A question about women and their need to be desired

cats_or_get_out · 2015-10-01T11:47:45+00:00

I suspect this is one of those personal questions disguised as a PPD issue.

Well, he married you. He chose you. You think he married "up" and you're now bewildered as to why he isn't lavishing you with the desire you crave.

I'm willing to bet a big part of the insecurities has to do with your pregnancy. Based on previous posts though, I think this transcends the usual pregnancy insecurity.

It's like you are waiting for this man to abandon you. Whether this is rooted in reality, I don't know. But I think your terror of abandonment creates this crazy insecurity in you. You probably drive him nuts with this behavior. It's like you are provoking him to be the asshole you think he is underneath.

This is also classic Borderline Personality disorder stuff, which is a very serious health concern. I'm not a doctor, but I've seen the struggles my family members with this have had. I think once you deal with your own stuff, you won't be so obsessed with this idea that your husband doesn't desire you.

The other alternative is that your husband is abusive, which you have hinted to. Well, girl, you are bringing a baby into this home. If he is abusive, then you are morally obligated to protect that child.

Ultimately, these are questions best solved in therapy or with the council of a trusted professional (like clergy).

Best wishes to you.

misspotatohead0 · 2015-10-01T10:32:26+00:00

Would you leave a man who said that you were less than his physical ideal and that he enjoys sex with you and is OK with you but would enjoy it more if he was with a better looking better feeling woman?

I would leave this guy because telling me he was 'OK' with me but would be better if I looked better would be really hurtful. If he found me beautiful, but also found other women beautiful well that is reasonable there are some incredibly beautiful women out there (and sexy men). But to say that I was okayy, no thanks.

wtknight · 2015-10-01T12:21:57+00:00

I don't lie about how attractive I consider my wife, even though I know that there are more attractive women out there, and I tell her truthfully that I find her attractive quite a bit. Both of us are pretty equal appearance wise, so neither of us ever feels insecure about this, and we both consider our personality match more important than appearance, anyways.

grendalor · 2015-10-01T14:19:08+00:00

This is one of those areas where the truth hurts, I think.

Most men are not married to women to whom they are not attracted. There are probably some guys who do that, but the overwhelming majority of guys do not. So if he married you, he's attracted to you, unless he is in that small minority of guys who married someone he was not attracted to.

Having said that, because most guys can't marry the hottest women out there, most guys are going to be more sexually/visually attracted to other women than they are to their wives. That doesn't mean they act on it -- most don't because most can't. But that inactivity, or impracticality of activity, doesn't mean they aren't attracted to those other women -- they are, and in some cases, in a more visceral way than they may be to their wives, although they are still attracted to their wives and want to have sex with them.

I do think a lot of guys lie about this, because there isn't a really good way to say it that doesn't come off as a slight at his wife. So most guys act as if this is not the case, even when most of them are married to quite average looking people (and are probably average looking themselves), meaning that they will inevitably find other women more visually attractive.

SteelChicken · 2015-10-01T15:05:44+00:00

Smart people in relationships never ask these questions. DO I LOOK PRETTY? IS MY ASS FAT? Don't even go there. No one likes someone who needs validation. Be awesome, know your awesome and let people choose what they choose.

nemma88 · 2015-10-01T09:24:25+00:00

Do you feel the need to be beautiful in your Husband's or partner's eyes even if you are not?

No one deserves to be someones second best.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T10:02:09+00:00

I'd want him to be attracted to me, I know there are women who are stunning and I don't need him to desire me more than others. It depends how early it is in the relationship, if he randomly says that after the first time I have sex with him I might.

TheChemist158 · 2015-10-01T14:09:18+00:00

Strictly persist l psychically speaking? It's fine he thinks there are hotter women. As long as I look good enough. Overall is another story. If he thought that a lot of women were overall better, and he settled for me because he couldn't get, that would be another story.

RareBlur · 2015-10-01T15:16:41+00:00

If your spouse tells you that He/she could have done better then why would you stick around? Obviously if he wants to try he should.

However, I really doubt that a loving spouse would say such a potentially hurtful thing. Your spouse CHOSE you. That was a conscious decision. It doesn't really matter if you weren't the hottest person on the planet. You were the best match for them, they wanted you and no one else and they didn't want anyone else to be with you except them. Presumably, you would have felt the same as you both agreed to marry.

The post sounds like there may be some insecurities in OP. If the spouse is saying such things then there are probably different issues going on.

Really, do we all have delusions that we are all super models and will remain so our whole lives?

BaadKitteh · 2015-10-01T18:23:53+00:00

If he said that to me, that I was "OK" and he would like sex more with someone better looking, he can fuck right off and see if he can find her. There's a difference between what we think sometimes and what we say out loud, out of decency, respect, and caring for someone's feelings. You don't have to lie to not say incredibly hurtful things. Most people have a fairly firm grasp of tact, whether they choose to exercise it or not.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T18:51:19+00:00

I'm not deluded enough to think I'm the most beautiful woman my SO has ever seen. Hell, I know what a couple of his exes look like, and they're objectively prettier than I am. I have no doubt that he sees and notices better-looking women than me on a daily basis.

But fuck 'em, he chose me, he thinks I'm hot and he tells me so all the time. It really doesn't matter to me if I'm not the hottest. If it did, I'm afraid I'd be playing a losing game, so I've learned not to worry about it.

My ex on the other hand used to remind me frequently that I wasn't his ideal, "but I'm glad you're a plain girl because I don't have to worry so much about another guy stealing you." (Yeah... he was a dick.) It was hurtful and really fucked with my self esteem.

Knowing on some level that you're not the hottest person in the world to your SO is one thing. Being constantly reminded of it is quite another.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T13:15:15+00:00

Would you lie to your wife or partner about this just to keep the relationship intact?

Never.

Do men often lie to women about how desirable they really find them because they know that women won't tolerate anything else?

Betas do.

Villaintine · 2015-10-01T14:14:05+00:00

Men: Would you lie to your wife or partner about this just to keep the relationship intact? Do men often lie to women about how desirable they really find them because they know that women won't tolerate anything else?

In more beta times I absolutely would. I'd have caved to expectations/niceties to avoid the fallout that comes with being truthful. These days I only reserve that behavior in work relationships- particularly with my boss- basically because they pay me.

Fortunately, embracing abundance mentality as well as following the "Two or None" rule (which I can no longer find the link to) means that I never get invested enough to feel pressured to lie to assuage their insecurities.

GridReXX · 2015-10-01T14:40:49+00:00

Chloe, what you're describing is the reverse of how it normally works.

Usually, it's the woman who settles physically and doesn't enjoy sex with the husband. Usually, it's the woman who has less physical and sexual attraction for the man; not vice versa.

Men: Would you lie to your wife or partner about this just to keep the relationship intact?

This is one of those hypotheticals that almost never happens in the real world. Chloe, please read this because this is important. If your husband found you sexually unattractive, he would NEVER have married you or had anything at all to do with you. Men have absolutely NOTHING to do with women who aren't sexually attractive to them. So if he married you and has sex with you, he finds you sexually attractive. The fact that there are more sexually attractive women out there than you is irrelevant. The fact that he finds other women more sexually attractive than you is irrelevant. He finds YOU sexually attractive and he has sex with YOU. That's the important thing.

EDIT: Also important, and something you're missing: Men have much, much wider attraction filters than women do. Most men find most women attractive enough for sex. Most women don't want anything AT ALL to do with most men. To most women, most men are sexual blanks. Most women are sexually attracted to a narrow band of men, probably about 20% of all men. Most men find on the order of 50% to 70% of women attractive enough for sex.

The different ways in which men and women view sexual attraction are coloring your views on this. You think your husband sees sexual attraction the same way you do (sexually attracted to only a small percentage of the opposite sex). That's not how it works for men, not at all. END EDIT

As for the actual question: Depends on why I want to keep the relationship intact. I might if I really wanted to keep the marriage; and most men who get married and have kids want to stay married unless she's cheating on him or abusing him.

Do men often lie to women about how desirable they really find them because they know that women won't tolerate anything else?

I don't think so. I think that on the very, very rare occasions men lie about this; they do it to spare feelings.

closetrpw · 2015-10-01T17:33:13+00:00

I realize I'm not as hot as some celebrities, but it's very important to me that I be the most desirable woman he believes he can get. I want to be the physically hottest woman he's dated, but more importantly, I want to be the one who he connects the most with on an emotional level.

If he believes he can do better, I'd leave- especially if that had a concrete manifestation (he'd rather be with a specific other real life girl we both know). If he'd prefer me to be hotter (and described me as just ok) but settled with me because he didn't think he could do better, that would probably more be an issue with his self-confidence and would make me unattracted to him due to this lack of confidence.

Also, if I found out he were more in love with another girl (in the past or in the present), I'd leave. If I found out he used to shower another woman in more affection than he does with me now or took her out on fancier dates than he does for me now or even if I just got the sense he cared more about another girl, even if that was in the past, I'd leave. I don't want him thinking some other woman was his "great love" or whatever. Just like a guy will leave a woman who has had anal before but refuses to do it with him, I would leave a guy who did more bf/husbandy things before but refuses to do those with me once we are fully committed unless he had a reasonable explanation (for example, it led to him being super beta).

TrialsAndTribbles · 2015-10-01T14:01:23+00:00

The issue is all people settle. That is what a match is. Men generally don't have sex with women they don't find attractive. There's also the wife goggle effect, so even as you get older (less attractive), your husband will generally still think you're great.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T18:37:15+00:00

Could you deal with it if a man had settled for you physically but he still enjoyed sex with you and acted like he wanted you? Do you feel the need to be beautiful in your Husband's or partner's eyes even if you are not?

I mean, the other posts make a good point. Technically most people settle for someone less than "10/10 most attractive person in the world". But obviously there are other things at play in terms of who you date/marry beyond simply physical attraction.

Do you feel the need to be beautiful in your Husband's or partner's eyes even if you are not?

I wouldn't say I feel the need, as in "if I don't do this they will leave me", but I do want to look my best for my partner. That means keeping in shape, dressing up when we go out together, etc. I tend do those things anyway regardless of who I'm in a relationship with, but I do want to be physically attractive to my partner. I'm not crazy about it though; I don't wear a lot of makeup anyway so I'm totally cool with them seeing me without it or wearing an old T-shirt or something. But yeah, I want to be attractive to my SO, for sure.

Would you leave a man who said that you were less than his physical ideal and that he enjoys sex with you and is OK with you but would enjoy it more if he was with a better looking better feeling woman?

Uhhh what a nasty thing to say. I probably would leave someone who said that, because fuck you. If that's how you feel, please go off and find that "better looking woman" and stop wasting my time.

Is the quality of sex really determined 100% on how attractive the person you're banging is? You'd rather bang someone who's a 10/10 but a limp fish in bed, as opposed to someone you have good physically chemistry with?

I also don't know what you mean by "better feeling" here.

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T20:00:23+00:00

I have said this time and time again.

It's not about whether or not a woman is desired, it is about who desires her. That is what creates validation. Women want hot, attractive guys to show sexual desire for them. This is what turns them on. No women gives a crap if a bunch of old men desire them. This concept is actually seen in other areas of life as well:

Say you were an artist, selling oil paintings you created. Would it really matter to you if 10-20 poor people said they liked your work, but could never in million years buy it? No. Now, if an art collector from Beverly Hills walked into your gallery and wanted to buy your work and said he loved it, that would give you a massive sense of validation.

[deleted] · 2015-10-02T10:09:00+00:00

Would you leave a man who said that you were less than his physical ideal and that he enjoys sex with you and is OK with you but would enjoy it more if he was with a better looking better feeling woman?

I have met men that I was more attracted to sexually as well. No one gets together with their first choice. Even if they do, they will still want variety and get together with other attractive people. So no. I won't be upset and I won't leave.

The perception that you can only love one person and only being sexually attracted to one person is a damaging one.

dreckmal · 2015-10-02T21:05:39+00:00

Would you lie to your wife or partner about this just to keep the relationship intact?

No.

I need to be sexually attracted to you if I am going to have an ongoing relationship with you. Period.

Lying about it makes everything exponentially worse down the road.

gasparddelanuit · 2015-10-01T17:23:12+00:00

I think it's fairly obvious that men lie about this all the time. Obvious to men anyway. I think this approach is common amongst men. That's not to say they do not find the women they marry or date desirable on some level, just that they often publicly exaggerate the degree to which they find them desirable, to keep the woman happy and to conform to public mores. For this you can blame the media for raising women's romantic expectations.

In truth there are very few truly honest relationships out there.

alreadyredschool · 2015-10-01T09:04:31+00:00

Men: Would you lie to your wife or partner about this just to keep the relationship intact? Do men often lie to women about how desirable they really find them because they know that women won't tolerate anything else?

Why should I lie? my girl knows that I find her hot but also that there are other women who are hotter, we even make jokes about it, because the belief that you two only find each other attractive is absurd. And why would you be with a women you don't desire or find hot?

[deleted] · 2015-10-01T16:33:13+00:00

Ideally, I'd want to be the most attractive woman he's ever been with. But, if he's way out of my league then I guess I'd settle for him being "ok" with my appearance. It would still make me feel like shit, though.

Title	A question about women and their need to be desired
Author	chloe1204
Upvotes	12
Comments	52
Date	October 1, 2015 8:57 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3n2xuz/a_question_about_women_and_their_need_to_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/a-question-about-women-and-their-need-to-be.279301 https://theredarchive.com/post/279301

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