For BP: What is the point of exclusivity in a sexless relationship?

Cactuar_Tamer · 2014-11-09T15:43:16+00:00

The fundamental issue isn't the contract he made with the state, it's the contract he made with his spouse.

If he's at the point where he's considering betraying the contract, he should just dissolve it and be upfront about that.

Yeah, blah blah typical BP advice to bail when solutions fail and things are terribad, but in the words of RP, it works. Remove yourself from the shitty situation and find one that isn't. My parents were a second marriage, on both their parts, but man, did they get it right the second time around. People make mistakes. Move on instead of wallowing in them.

Sunk-cost fallacy will kill you.

17b29a · 2014-11-09T16:23:36+00:00

If you insist on having sex with someone else, tell her that and get divorced or have an open relationship or whatever. No need to be a dick about it.

Also, it's strange that you people seem to think a relationship minus sex is a friendship. I guess marriage is just an extended FWB relationship in TRP world.

Kileiki · 2014-11-09T18:15:41+00:00

Why not leave the relationship? Why is that not the first thing people consider when they're no longer happy?

I don't see the point in cheating. If you're not happy then just go. Cheating is what happens when you're too lazy or afraid to make a decisive decision - talk or walk.

Aerobus · 2014-11-09T15:55:52+00:00

The only situation I can think of is if both people enjoy the exclusivity without sex and feel that it is equally beneficial.

Reginleifer · 2014-11-09T18:09:13+00:00

BP is right, marriage vows include sexual exclusivity but does not guarantee sexual access, and they along with the rest of society (who do not actively identify with the subreddit) do not believe sexual access ought to be in the contract.

So as RP men, marriage is discouraged with most women and marriage is only upheld as "ok" in the context of wanting to have children for some reason.

Don't get married, it's a shitty deal for men. Eventually society will see the declining rates and attempt to get their commitment some other way, by putting in more common law or having live in relationships referred to as "business partnerships"...... and as a dude, get around those laws.

Eventually some form of compromise will have to be made, but until then just don't sign that contract if guaranteed sexual access is what you're after.

Then again most of you are from a country where people bitch about cable companies and airlines and still pony up the monthly cash and take the NSA finger up yer bootyhole.

LeGrandDiableBlanc · 2014-11-09T21:21:17+00:00

Edit: let's assume divorce is a last resort or even a non option.

The best strategy is to always be willing to lave a relationship if it isn't meeting your needs/goals. Always be willing to take the L.

To answer your question, there is no point to exclusivity in a relationship with no sex when you yourself want sex. The relationship should be ended.

Alkaven5 · 2014-11-09T22:00:25+00:00

Cheating is wrong because it's dishonest. It's also not the only solution here. The man could try to patch up his sex life with his wife, suggest an open relationship, or leave her.

The important part of the contract is not with the state, it's with the man's wife. The wife expects him to stay by her side through sickness and health, be faithful, etc. Cheating is a breach of that contract. Is "witholding" sex also breaking the contract? I think actively refusing to have sex with someone as a punishment for their behavior is wrong, but that's different from being too angry with someone to want to fuck them. One is expressly manipulative, one is not. If his wife is refusing sex as a way of teaching him a lesson, she's in the wrong, and if she won't listen to reason, she's probably not a very good wife because she's a manipulative person. But I think this is uncommon because most of us don't marry these people.

If my husband went through health problems that made him incapable of having sex (of any kind) physically or mentally, I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker. That's why I don't think sex is an integral part of the contract. I would hope he wouldn't mind it if I found other ways to fulfill my needs, like sleeping with other people, but I would only do so if he were okay with that. Having a low sex drive is largely a physical problem. They aren't separate from mental and emotional states, but your sexual desires are influenced by physical things.

It's most likely that their sex drives are incompatible, or that hers has reduced over time, or that they don't know how to please each other (in my experience, women enjoy sex as much as/more than men but need it less--just my experience) and she's stopped wanting to try, or she's let sex become less and less of a priority compared to the rest of her life. A good sex drive is part of being healthy, so if hers has drastically reduced she should get it checked and make sure she's healthy (exercise etc); if she doesn't realize how important sex is to the husband, he should tell her and she should try to accommodate him; if they aren't enjoying the act, they should work on not being bad at sex. I think most dead bedrooms come from one of those issues.

But if it's a matter of complete incompatibility, then again, they should discuss it--specifically, the idea of an open relationship. If she can agree to it, then he'll have the benefits of cheating without some of the drawbacks (like lying to his partner.) He won't have the benefit of having sex with is wife, like /u/homo_homini_lupus says is the ideal, but cheating doesn't give you that benefit either.

And there's the final option, which is leaving her. If she won't respect his sexual needs and it's seriously distressing to him and she won't cave enough to have more regular sex or allow him to go to someone else to fulfill those needs, then she's a bit of a selfish person. She doesn't respect his needs and she isn't willing to take a hit for him, then she just isn't what a wife should be.

nomdplume · 2014-11-11T20:42:43+00:00

Edit: let's assume divorce is a last resort or even a non option.

Unless the man is entirely dissatisfied with the marriage as a whole, why would he be interested in getting divorced? Maybe he just wants to have some sex and intimacy in his life, not an entirely new life.

The "be willing to leave" argument seems tantamount to saying, "Be willing to shoot yourself in the foot if you aren't getting the sex you need from your marriage."

It doesn't make much sense to me...

GayLubeOil · 2014-11-09T19:11:23+00:00

All of society and bluepill are exclusive concerned about the vagiana operator. Are you taking care of her feelz? Are you giving her all the little toys she wants? Are you doing everything she wants all the time? Yes? Still no sex? Well then sex isnt that important anyway!

They dont give a fuck about you as a man. If you are tired over worked and masterbating into a sock thats perfectly for bluepill as long as you continue being a bitch slave.

How about instead of all of that progressive nonsense you have some self respect. Get your shit together eat right, workout, go on hikes with your friends. Just be a healthy productive man who lives for himself. Your wife doesnt want to fuck you. Thats fine. But you dont have to spend time with your wife.

She can sit on the couch with her feelings and needs and 160 pounds at 53' like every other shitpile 35+ american woman. Maybe after your self improvement binge shell wanna fuck again. Or maybe you can keep her around for companionship and fuck yoga milfs. You only have one life dont be a slave.

SirNemesis · 2014-11-09T17:11:36+00:00

Sexual exclusivity and sexual access are two sides of the same coin. If sexual access is withheld, then the agreement for sexual exclusivity is null and void.

Bakerofpie · 2014-11-10T01:27:30+00:00

If divorce is absolutely not an option and your spouse is refusing to fill your sexual needs to a reasonable level, I think it becomes time to be honest. If you are sneaking around behind your bitch wife's back just to get sexual gratification, you are still allowing her selfishness to run your life. I think it's better to be honest. Say you're going to go fuck other people, and if she doesn't like it, she can put out herself. This answer is coming from the completely hypothetical situation where divorce does not happen under any circumstance. Either she will still find sex with you horrid and unimaginable but learn to deal with you having other partners, or she will find a way to keep you sexually pleased on her own. I just don't see any need for dishonesty or sneaking around.

myfatbrokethewall · 2014-11-10T21:50:13+00:00

Edit: let's assume divorce is a last resort or even a non option.

A good reason not to cheat, if she finds out, divorce could be the result.

Also, if you cheated on your partner, could you feel comfortable inside yourself without coming clean? Would that "secret" forever ruin your closeness and intimacy?

Why not try to fix the deadbedroom issue instead of cheating?

I guess if you're at the stage where the marriage is over and you no longer want to fight for it, but for some reason you don't want to divorce, you could cheat. But if discovered, divorce could well be the result.

Those_Who_Remain · 2014-11-09T23:23:32+00:00

In a dead bedroom the relationship devolves into more of a roommate or friendship that a marriage.

I disagree. Sex is not the only way in which you can be intimate. The way I feel with my SO is different from the way I feel with my friends, even when we're not having sex. That said, I agree that most healthy relationships also have a healthy sex life.

Why should the man or woman feel bad at this point for cheating?

Because he's still cheating. If he is unhappy with the situation, he should try to communicate with his partner, try to solve it after that talk and possibly even end the relationship if the gap between desires is too great. Incompatibility is a real thing.

MissPearl · 2014-11-10T02:14:28+00:00

I think the framing of the question is the point under which you are holding each other hostage. For example is poly an accacceptable response to one half of a monogamous partner going asexual? Sure, why not?

On the other hand cheating is moving outside of the agreed upon limits of the relationship. I think it's perfectly fair to seek intimacy if you're missing it, but you should probably be honest about it.

GuildedCasket · 2014-11-10T03:55:00+00:00

You asked what the point of exclusivity is. The point is that you entered into a contract, and if you break it you are putting your partner at serious risk of being emotionally devastated. It is immoral to risk your partner's safety and mental security. It is also, to some extent, immoral to cut off your partner completely from sex without even attempting to fix it, but that does not justify cheating. Isn't "two wrongs don't make a right" taught anymore?

Lack of libido is a problem that can stem from many different places - it can be purely biological (easy enough to fix), or it can be from... God, hundreds of mental reasons. The very first thing you need to do is figure out why. For that, you probably need a therapist. Different reasons have different solutions.

For example, if the reason is simple boredom and complacency with the person you're with, then based on the relationship dynamic, you can suggest things from having sex outside of the bedroom, to trying new kinks even if neither of you were interested before, to setting up a sort of "roleplay" at a bar where one person pretends to be a mysterious seducer/seductress.

Different reasons for lack of libido call for different solutions, and dread game/cheating quite possibly only worsens many of those reasons.

Title	For BP: What is the point of exclusivity in a sexless relationship?
Author	an_absolute_rose
Upvotes	8
Comments	143
Date	November 9, 2014 3:37 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/2lrm6k/for_bp_what_is_the_point_of_exclusivity_in_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/for-bp-what-is-the-point-of-exclusivity-in-a.284403 https://theredarchive.com/post/284403

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