As a man, you do not get sympathy, but you can get respect.

Thought I'd share a quick story and a few profound lessons learnt along the way.

So recently I had a court date for a traffic violation, and it so happened that I somehow lost my speaking voice (mostly to due being outdoors quite a bit and apparently developing acute laryngitis) right before the day of the set hearing. "Like what were the odds Goddamit?" I kept asking myself, but having long promised to not allow any excuses (no matter how legitamate or grave they might seem) to derail me from doing what I have to do in any given circumstance, I picked some tea, clinched my teeth and on the way I was.

Now this is where things got interesting and eye openning. All the way from every single initial interaction with the court clerks, to the prosecutors and the judge, I could not help but feel this lurking subtle contempt and disdain from pretty much everyone I encountered or engaged with, one simillar to what a lion would feel for a wounded gazelle. I was perplexed. Even one of the clerks I have always spoken and friendly chit chatted with before, this time, without making any eye contact, just quietly passed me the papers with a patronizing tone I was yet to hear: "I have already told you, your courtroom is upstairs, sir". And it finally hit me.

This time, no matter how trivial, there it was, a glaring weakness, one I could do absolutely nothing about in the moment, and one that everyone could clearly see and almost naturally use as a right to feel superior and more in control. "Screw it, I've made it here, might as well get it done with" - I told myself with the last few notes of what was left of my voice and proceeded to the courtroom. As the dreadful silence took over the room with everyone preparing their case, I stood and politely asked the prosecutor if we could discuss the matter privately. It was apparent now in the midst of this silence, how legitimate my situation and request was, but again, as I now expected, it was blantly denied with the prosecutor asking if I want to go straight to trial.

And at that very moment I knew, the only thing I can do, is really stand up in the face of anything or anyone, even if it meant having to whisper to get my point across in front of 100 smth peers in the courtroom and a myriad of blood thirsty court staff. And so it came my turn to now face the judge.

First hesitantly looking over my case, she probed me with a few questions, as if to see how I would react. But I wasn't going to back down. I kept answering all the questions, as if the numbing pain or the judgemental stares from anyone in the courtroom did not exist, and it was just my truth against her, against the world. The silence continued. I could feel every single part of my body willing to just call it quits, but I knew I couldn't. And suddenly, after what seemed like an eternity, she saw it. She saw my willingness to go on, even with barely being able to speak, willingness to stand and fight my truth. And there it was, this unspoken mutual acknowledgement and regard between us. "Case postponed" she abruptly stated. It was all over, and confused at first, only after I had realized what just happened.

As a man you can't show any weakness, regardless of the circumstance, regardless of how true or trivial it might be. You do not get any sympathy, from pretty much anyone, only judgement. Such is human nature. Behind all the facade and smiles, a lot of times it is a cold world. One, that resembles a soulless jungle more than sometimes we can admit or want it to be. One, where showing any weakness can mean putting yourself in an unfavorable position and at a mercy of the other "lions" of this world. And one, where the only thing you can get as a man is, respect.

Respect for standing up in the face of adversity and doing what you have to, respect for standing up for yourself and your truth, regardless of how you might feel or appear to be. And that I find, is what any man can and frankly, should live for, respect.

It took me a while to fully realize, but inevitably, the answer will always be the same. As a man, you will ultimately be judged and treated based on your will to fight for your place in this jungle called life and only then, maybe then you will be given what you deserve. And it shall not be easy, but it shall be worth it, as long as you keep on. But until then,

Stay strong, my friend.

A note to self.