Why do you need a define relationship talk?

Aaren_Augustine · 2020-01-26T22:36:26+00:00

Some people work well with defined boundaries. That way, we can know who will help us meet our needs and who we can't rely upon. This is generally the basics of being assertive.

I’m talking about the whole are we boyfriend and girlfriend? It seems really high schoolish.

Adults learn to be assertive. This is learning to be an adult, not at all childish.

KazROFL · 2020-01-26T22:54:43+00:00

Yeah they want to avoid commitmentphobe people who just waste other people's time.

Mulkvistee · 2020-01-26T22:43:50+00:00

Some people understand the currency of reciprocity and want to define a thing so they can set their own expectations while understanding the other person's. Doing so makes it much easier to assign the correct meaning to their actions if you're actually watching what's being done rather than listening to what's being said. It also gives someone a heads up to take you as seriously (or not seriously) as you take them, which is only a drawback to a person that was hoping to win a 'who cares less' contest.

AnswerWithLoVe · 2020-01-26T23:16:41+00:00

I need to make sure I'm on the same page with someone so, as another person said, I can categorize correctly and know whether I should take someone seriously or not. Ambiguous boundaries/relationships are a no go for me after a certain amount of time.

LittyKitsune · 2020-01-26T22:35:36+00:00

To get what you want, essentially.

I've experienced this from the opposite end. I find that guys are just as quick to start asking "what am I to you" and that kind of thing if the sex isn't coming on their timeline as women are when the commitment isn't. Also serves as a kind of warning shot before an impending breakup more often than a relationship saver imo.

I mean I have never heard of a lasting, happy relationship beginning with "I forced him to define it lol." Who knows. Maybe it works sometimes?

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2020-01-26T23:37:57+00:00

, I’m Not talking About exclusive- I totally get that. I’m talking about the whole are we boyfriend and girlfriend?

isnt this the same thing

Willow-girl · 2020-01-27T04:51:29+00:00

If a man is really into you, he will push for exclusivity because he wants you all to himself. If he's NOT trying to put a ring on it, that means he's just not into you ... he doesn't really mind if you get away.

A super-common mistake women make is to settle for being a placeholder for an attractive Lukewarm Guy. They quit dating, give up all their FWBs, and fixate on a guy who isn't willing to give them a commitment. Then they're upset, and left high and dry, when he meets a girl he's really into a dumps them without a backward glance.

Girls, don't do this! If a man doesn't want to commit, keep YOUR options open, too! Continue going out on dates with new prospects, even if your heart isn't in it at first. Eventually you will probably meet a guy who IS into you and is even more attractive than the one you've been pining over! But you're not going to find him if you don't keep looking.

2020-01-26T22:21:36+00:00

You don’t.

FinchRosemta · 2020-01-26T22:44:50+00:00

I expect more out of relationships than J do friendships. I have various levels of friends to get different things from. I'll only have one SO.

Some people don't dwell well in ambiguity. I am one of those ppl. I need rules not this wishy washy go with the flow thing. I'm probably won't have a DTR but I have my own internal timeline and things aren't progressing the why I want then no need to stick around. It just means the person isn't on the same page as me and that's ok.

goatismycopilot · 2020-01-26T22:56:53+00:00

It means something to some people and they don't really need to justify it. Saying GF/BF might mean something to specific people. Others no.

Why are you interested in grilling people on their relationship needs though? If what you are doing works for you why compare?

garbage_gemlin · 2020-01-27T04:16:34+00:00

Having the relationship talk IS organic, and it is important. A relationship is more important than a friendship and it has stricter boundaries. If you are friends, it is usually fine if you don't see smebody for a while because they are busy, and it's cool if they have lots of other friends. If you stop being friends, it is acceptable not to talk about that and just let it end.

In a relationship, that would be insane. You don't want your SO to have other partners (well, some people do, but it is rare). If a relationship ends, there has to be a talk where this becomes clear and the terms of ending are discussed. Because a relationship is different than a friendship, it also needs to be defined at the beginning. If you don't have "the talk" or something similar (it doesn't ahve to be a big thing, just two people discussing what their preferences are, what is acceptable in the relationship etc), you are in a very different thing than a relationship (at least IMO).

For me, there are big big big differences between a committed relationship, and an exclusive fuck buddy. A relationship means you have duties to care for eachother, usually some boundaries to one's interactions with the opposite sex, and with an expectation of permanence or semi-permanence. So, in a relationship, flirting is probably not ok, you prioritize your partner's needs, and you are pretty sure that if all things keep being good, you could be with them for years.

An exclusive sex friend is very different. two people may decide to exclusively fuck eachother so they don't need to worry about STD's, but there is no sense of permanence, only one boundary to interactions with the opposite sex (no sex, but in many of these, flirting, kissing, and crushes on other people are fine), and little to no expectation of emotional care. Freqquently people who have an exclsusive fuck buddy are actively looking for new partners on the side, somebody that they will actually want to date.

SOMETIMES, if two people have the expectation that they will date, the monogamous sex is a pre-cursor to the relationship, and all of the possible relationship boundaries will be observed. For example, before my bf and i started dating, there was a short period where we were monogamously fucking but not "in a relationship". Because i really wanted to date him, and knew there was a chance of that, i simply acted like we were already in a relationship and did all of the stuff I knew he would want, like making sure not to talk to or flirt with other guys. So it felt very much like dating, but it still wasn't the same. When we had "the talk", as in decided to formally be in a relationship, the whole thing had a very different and nicer feel that I can't really explain. It felt good for my want to be his girlfriend to be put into words and clearly accepted by both parties. It's just very different when you have the talk.

EsauTheRed · 2020-01-26T22:41:51+00:00

Lots of chicks don't have the time for that organic shit

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IcyMartinis · 2020-01-26T23:09:31+00:00

It’s because of what you said, people want sexual exclusivity. In modern times that usually means “boyfriend girlfriend” no matter how silly it seems. It is just an arbitrary title we have now that people wait longer to get engaged and married. And if they are going to meet your family and such but you aren’t married yet you need a title. Not sure what is confusing about this.

Sure it’s more real to only use fiancé and husband / wife for titles but do you think most people these days want to be proposed to right away? And the majority of people will want exclusivity before they want engagement.

Jathrowaway97 · 2020-01-26T23:11:02+00:00

Some people like being ambiguous others like to be explicitly clear. Having the talk benefits both because if you’re not on the same page the talk will reveal that and the two people can move from there.

akaean · 2020-01-27T00:36:08+00:00

Anyway, boyfriend and girlfriend is a fair distinction to make, and its not necessarily connected to whether or not someone is exclusive or not. I've been sexually exclusive with a friends with benefits before for a while. On the continuum of seriousness we were below formal relationship, but would not sleep around until one of us had found someone in that more serious level relationship. We used effective communication to make sure our expectations were managed.

It can be very embarrassing to introduce someone as a boyfriend or girlfriend and being corrected. Some people want to avoid that. Because sometimes the sexually exclusive talk- both parties don't always intend on having a formal relationship.

blackedoutfast · 2020-01-27T01:19:01+00:00

For sex, I get it I want to be exclusive with my partner and I do talk about that.

When people say "defining the relationship" that's what they're talking about.

MikepGrey · 2020-01-27T03:45:00+00:00

Agreed, if it gets to sex were are getting checked for stds and going raw, but by then we have been hanging out for a month or 2 and have good chemistry.

PapaPinyun · 2020-01-27T05:09:28+00:00

I define all of my social relationships- "so can I count on you to (some social and friendly exchange of time and value and labor)," and things like, "one is no true friend until (some appropriate level of mutual commitment promise)."

Zippo-Cat · 2020-01-27T07:29:58+00:00

If you need to "talk" in a relationship, it's almost certainly already over.

As TRP puts it, you can't negotiate desire. No desire, no relationship.

Gravel_Roads · 2020-01-27T11:38:17+00:00

Defining a relationship helps in establishing agreed upon expectations for both parties. It's not necessary, but for those who don't overtly define a relationship, you have no one but yourself to blame if your partner fails to meet your unspecified relationship needs.

atlantisasalover · 2020-01-27T22:44:23+00:00

A lack of a conversation IS a conversation in of itself. Tale as old as time: girl and guy meet, flirt, like each other, fuck, meet each others friends, care for each other when sick, sleep over 5 times a week etc for a year or two then guy pulls the "Woah you're not even my girlfriend" card in an argument. Then girl realizes she went through all that only to realize she has nothing to show for it.

Having a relationship talk eliminates that.

Title	Why do you need a define relationship talk?
Author	KickKathleeenKennedy
Upvotes	3
Comments	36
Date	January 26, 2020 10:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/eudsd3/why_do_you_need_a_define_relationship_talk/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-you-need-a-define-relationship-talk.315150 https://theredarchive.com/post/315150

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