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Sinking further in the whirlpool. help

Reddit View
February 2, 2020
4 upvotes

Since my last post, I've been keeping my head low, avoiding conflict with the wife but things have gotten considerably worse.

A brief tl;dr; review of my situation. I'm immigrant in the US, Wife is US citizen. We have a kid ~5yro. Wife is verbally and now physically abusive.

This posts tldr; wife hit me with my laptop lid, ended up getting stitches above the eye. She also first added our current address on her license / ID and the next week went back to dmv and asked them to change the address back to her parents house; hid it from me while also living with me during the same 6,7 months period (in a bid to make it appear that we don't live together when i eventually file for citizenship - I have other documentation to show we've been living with our kid at this current address but this one just boggles my mind as it's just being petty)

Main post: since my last post I've been avoiding arguments/conflicts and simply leave the house if she's looking to pickup an argument/fight. Last saturday, she sent our daughter out with her parents for a trip outside the city. I asked her to refuse the parents as I wanted to spend time with the kid as it was my day off. The kid starts crying that she wants to go (she spent the prior 3 days at the grandparents house and was back home just the prior night); so I said NO. The wife puts the clothes on her and tell her she's going even though I said NO and when I mentioned that I wanted to spend time with the kid as I'm busy during weekdays. I have no issue with the grandparents hanging out with them both.

She sends the kid out and I'm just upset and fuming. Undermining like this in front of the kids has happened before where I put my foot down but the wife will ignore that and do as she wants.

Anyway, with the kid gone, wife wants to spend time together but this is a boundary (undermining me in front of kids) that I don't want to tolerate. I just left the house and spent time out till the evening.

The evening and the next day wife wants pretends like nothing happened and comes asks why i'm still upset and to let it go. I explain that she needs to stop undermining me in front of the kids. I am working so I tell her I can't talk and she needs to give me space. This usually for some reason makes her mad. The first two times she tries to push the laptop away from lap, hit its lid to close it, basically getting physical. I tell her leave and lock the door of my home office. She comes back in, banging on the door for a while. I'm trying to focus on work but can't so I open the door, she comes in and hits me in the chest twice with her fists.

I come to my bed and tell her I'm working and she needs to leave but she doesn't. As I'm sitting on the bed working on the laptop, she starts her usual tirade of how she has to put up with a 'piece' like me (talking about my looks or personality whatever) and blah blah. I get pulled into her frame and say something mean as a comeback (my fault, i should've stfu), She goes crazy and punches the laptop. Its a friggin aluminum laptop with sharp edges, the top/front of the lid hits my near my forehead and i'm basically seeing stars. Trying to process wth just happened. She leaves the room and I notice I've blood flowing down on my nose. I check in the front camera on the phone and there is quite some blood flowing. Later on I notice its a big fucking cut and I ended up getting 3 stitches for it 2,3 hours later at the urgent care.

I leave the house but with my bloodied face, I cannot leave our general area and not go on the main street looking like that. At that point I'm just standing there, in the fucking cold, (forgot to pickup my jacket as I rushed out) and contemplating if I should end it and report it. Googling on my phone what'll happen with the kid if I report. I see scary stories as to how child services take the kid away and put them in the system in such situations. I change my mind instead of reporting. After about 20 minutes freezing in the cold, shivering and bleeding, I come back up and tell the wife she should thank the kid as thats the only reason she isn't in a patrol car right now.

anyway, she claims how its an accident (yea you were punching me minutes before that and threw the laptop / punched the lid a few times before the last hit took the laptop to my face). I'm super depressed the next 2,3 days thinking how I ended up in such a situation.

fast forward a few days and with her constant nagging trying to make things ok, I try to let go.

It's been a week and today we went outside for dinner.

She had to took her Driving license out for some reason and I noticed it had her dad's address on it. I asked her whats up with that (as I made her update her address to our new place about 7 months ago) and she says oh its the old card, the new one is at home or something. (this kinda stayed wtih me as she was hesitant to update her address but because I'm an immigrant and will be applying for citizenship soon, I realized it'll be a problem because her friggin state ID says she lives with her dad when she's been living with me for the past ~3 years.

Back 7 months I sent her to update her address on the license and she went begrudingly. We had an argument a few days later after that and she threatend she'll go back and change her address (pointing that it'll create an issue whenever I apply for citizenship). anyway I thought that was just a meaningless line she said.

But when I saw her card today and noticed it was issue AFTER the NEW card she got when I asked her to update her address to where we live, I noticed something was off. I matched the temporarily slip for her license/ID from 7 months ago and yes, she actually went back a week or so after to again chagne her address to her dad's home (meahwhile living with me as usual).

This is super petty and I cannot beleive I've been living with someone so petty. The citizenship isnt the problem as I can apply as a solo person in 2 years, rather than as a married person in 6 months but the thought process of hers. (she has threatened to not sign my citizenship paper work in the past over smaller arguments and thinks its some weapon). I confronted her just now and at first she acted like not knowing anything and said she never changed the address on the card but when I showed her the dates from the 7 months old temporarily slip from DMV and the date on her new card (pointing to her dad's address), she said I pushed her and that she doesn't trust me and that I'll leave her blah blah (we have been married for over 5 years) but every fight, her only line is how she brought me to the country and how she wont sign my paperwork if I don't do x and y. e.g. a few weeks ago she has been pusing for a kid but I'm not financially in a position to bring a new life into the house and she said she wont sign the paperwork unless I have another kid wth)

I'm at cross raods. On one hand I dont want to live with a physically and verbally abusive person and on the other hand I don't want to leave our kid as the collateral damage if I leave the wife. :(

What should I do?


Post Information
Title Sinking further in the whirlpool. help
Author kundata
Upvotes 4
Comments 65
Date 02 February 2020 05:01 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/318757
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/exjbp2/sinking_further_in_the_whirlpool_help/
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Comments

[–]RStonePT[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children) | Copy

Question. Why did you make a post in this shithole instead of posting in OWS weekly with your plan?

[–]FereallyRedHard Core Red23 points24 points  (3 children) | Copy

Fucking codependent mess you vomited is way too much to unpack all your poor behavior, get to work here reading the sidebar.

No kid wants to live where mommy gives daddy stitches and daddy just rocks impotently in the corner.

She's using the green card as a weapon, and you're allowing it. The relationship is splintering and you're too busy applying patches to see the ship is sinking.

Get the fuck out. Take pictures of your stitches. Get a damn lawyer.

That green card is a paper tiger... you can apply for permanent resident status on the fact your child is a citizen....wife has no say anymore.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I have a 10 year permanent resident visa / green card. I believe The citizenship due to child being citizen won't apply yet as the kid has to be over 18 (she is 5). I'm more concerned what extent the wife would go to to burn me considering she basically set her dad's home as her address for years while living with me all this time. This is just so whenever I apply it was to cause a an issue for me by surprise because the govt would say hey she doesn't even live with you according to her license. (I have other bank and health insurance etc docs to prove otherwise...)

I still have the stitches (removing next week at doc visit) but I'm mostly scared of having the child go to child protect services if I report the wife for the assault. The child could be very very emotionally hurt being away from us during this time :(

[–]Tyred_Biggums9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

The child is already going to be fucked up. Worry about yourself first. You can’t even do what’s right for you, let alone the kid.

Excuses and more excuses. FFS.

[–]TimeToDigDown5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Have to put your own gas mask on first before you can save anyone else.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you were here, I would throw my desktop at your head.

You literally have done no work and are wondering what to do, except of course, the work.

[–]marv86kw2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've never read vomit of this caliber. Ever.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

What should I do?

Pretend your being told this exact story by a good friend of yours, who then asks for your advice what to do.......

Think very hard. What would you tell him?

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I would leave in a heart beat if it weren't for the kid. I don't want to have the kid grow a life with one parent missing half of the week or month. This is too much that no man would tolerate. I know that. :/

[–]ImNotSlash7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Years ago I decided my son would be better off with separated parents than parents constantly fighting and arguing. I made damn sure every minute of visitation the state or she gave me I took. My relationship with him is struggling right now. But I assure you it is not because of that decision.

Think of what (s)he won't see should you leave.

[–]Tyred_Biggums3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re clearly not a man - what does that make you?

[–]SepeanRed Beret6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

What I'm not seeing in this post is any mention of lifting, AA, STFU, dread, or cockiness.

[–]RoccoPinkman3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

He’s going to ask her permission to be cocky later on, if he’s been a good boy she will let him.

[–]Jaggarojo6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're not leading your family.

All you have been doing is externalizing the blame. How your WIFE is always arguing. How your WIFE is destroying your marriage and kid. How your WIFE has been making you miserable. What you're not getting is that your lack of leadership is the underlying reason behind your whirpool. You are the only one responsible for being the bedrock of your family.

You may be STFUing, but without complementing it with the other theory, it's useless. It's not relevant by itself.

That said, to rework the marriage from the ground up, you must devour what you've been avoiding for the past months: the sidebar. You thought you could find a quick fix to your problem here, but no, it'll take a whole mentality shift for you to start seeing results. And based on your behavior, it'll take you at least one year.

[–]part_wolf5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy

This bitch smacked you upside the head with a laptop and you took her out to dinner? Are you fucking kidding me?

[–]MagicPiper6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

You need a therapist. You are so incredibly codependent that you’re not seeing it (based on your replies to advice given to you here). You’re seeking validation in answers, but not working towards the answers yourself via the side bar.

I was in a similar situation. I left and I still see the kid whenever possible. I was also codependent and had a bit of oneitis. But I left and it was the best decision I had made in a long time.

You are doing a disservice to your child by staying in the relationship. For one, you’re inadvertently teaching your child how to be codependent to your wife. You’re teaching her that to cave to your wife is ok. And if you stay, you’ll reinforce that taking abuse in a relationship is how relationships work.

You need to leave so you can become the solid parent; the one that teaches your kid how to be a solid adult, how to love them selves, and how to be complete. If you don’t get out, no one will teach her that. Because your wife was able to become like that because her parents enabled her. And if those are the same grandparents taking the kid, guess what, they’re going to reinforce it too.

But to get there, your best bet is to get a therapist. They will help you unravel your thoughts and help you see your truths.

Ask for sliding scale if you don’t have insurance to cover it. And if that’s too expensive, if there’s a Jewish center in your area, they typically have discounted therapy. I’m not Jewish and I’ve used the one in my area. But get a therapist. And don’t tell your wife. And don’t do couples therapy, she is beyond that.

Just get one for yourself, read the side bar, and get to working on yourself.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thank you. Do you advise filing for separating while I talk to a therapist? I can't get myself to file for the physical abuse as she might lose rights to the kid and I think that'll be a disservice to the kid. I also want to work on the sidebar but seeing as how things are, I'm not sure I wanna stay for long if she continues this abusive behavior with me in front of the kid.

[–]MagicPiper0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My advice is that you talk to a therapist and read the fucking side bar. I don’t even know why you have any excuse to not read the side bar. All it’s going to do, no matter what you decide, is help you! Seriously man, you’re incredibly beta and codependent. I’m not going to give you any other advice because you need to start making your own decisions. You’ve been given tons of advice, use what you have, and stop asking questions.

[–]HawkWasp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know what really not fair to the kid? Leaving him/her with a fucking insane mother who thinks physical abuse is tolerable. Guess who's going to become her punching bag when you're out of the picture?

You're not just being a shitty person, you're being a shit father. Man the fuck up.

[–]Errant_Gunner4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy

Get her mad enough to assault you again. File a police report this time. You missed a golden opportunity to get her convicted for assault and battery last time. Your kid will go to social services for a few weeks. You need to get a restraining order during that time. Change the locks on your house. Remove her from any joint bank accounts. If you are in a state without a waiting period, file for divorce immediately. Request an immediate custody ruling based on your wife being arrested for domestic abuse. Testify against her in court. Take care of your kid when you get her back, and ensure that you cut her off from her mom entirely.

[–]teaandtalk5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

I'd get a vasectomy.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

Well she been demanding for making a 2nd baby but that's not happening with our financial situation and her attitude and the verbal and physical abuse makes sure it won't ever happen.

[–]teaandtalk1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You never have sex with her? If you do, dispose of your own condoms. She's proven that she is abusive, I wouldn't put reproductive coercion past her.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

If I was a betting man I'd say she is knocked up in less than 6 months from now.

That's how much frame you have.

[–]AlohaMaui8080 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

At this point HOA based on all OPs responses to everyone, both this post and the last, it's pretty clear OP intends to do zero work to change his situation.

He literally appears to just be seeking more negative attention from this sub. He's wasting everyone's time and I can't see much of value for the community from this shitshow.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes the shitshow is the value.

[–]part_wolf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There’s value here; this is a textbook example of what not to do.

[–]weakandsensitive6 points7 points  (9 children) | Copy

Undermining like this in front of the kids has happened before where I put my foot down but the wife will ignore that and do as she wants.

this is a boundary (undermining me in front of kids) that I don't want to tolerate

You tolerated the boundary violation just fine.

I would suggest not being an autistic fuck and stomping your feet even more ineffectively.

This is super petty and I cannot beleive I've been living with someone so petty.

Really? Have you looked in the mirror? I'm pretty sure the biggest bitch in the house.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -1 points0 points  (8 children) | Copy

I get it I've been tolerating this far longer than any sane person would but I'm mostly stuck just for the sake of the kid. I don't want to be the dad who abandons his child. That's what makes this hard for me. What would you do in my situation?

[–]weakandsensitive6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

I'm not you. You're not me.

You couldn't do what I would do.

You haven't done jack shit for research, because you'd know that spousal abuse is one of the conditions for protection under green card status. -- https://my.uscis.gov/exploremyoptions/green_card_battered_spouse_or_child_or_parent

[–]Tyred_Biggums4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

You’ve invested more time getting him out of this situation than he has.

Google searches are hard.

[–]marv86kw1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

He's still a pussy regardless of what color card or nationality he holds.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

color card

Looks pink to me....

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. I'm already a permanent citizen/green card holder though so I'm not sure if that one applies to me. She's basically been using the incoming citizenship paperwork as a kind of weapon in most any conversations when she's angry or upset. And the going to dmv and setting her dad's address as her address - while living with me is one of the parts for this. It wasn't even something I was aware of and came across it last night by chance when I confronted her otherwise I'd have applied in four months and would then be trying to clarify to the govt why her address is set as her dad at that time.

[–]weakandsensitive7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh cool. If you want to make excuses for her, that's on you.

Also, go fuck yourself.

[–]rightsided2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

As we all know here, we all talk too much. STFU and quit trying to set boundaries by 'explaining' them to your wife and having a temper tantrum that lasts for days. She saw you were butt hurt proceeded to add salt to the wound. Now you're getting smacked around in your own home. Pathetic. I'm a foreigner in a foreign country in a similar situation as you, jfyi, sans the mental and physical violence.

Your wife only does what you allow.

She also doesn't trust you or your leadership abilities. Hence the shit tests, refusal to sign paperwork, etc.

Why are you avoiding conflict? Weak. Embrace that shit dude.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm not well versed in the ways of the red pill. Do you have any specific examples as to how I should proceed? It's much easier to just end this but I can't because of the kid but the more I tolerate the more violent and worse she is getting with the verbal and physical abuse and the general undermining me in day to day stuff.

[–]rightsided0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read NMMNG and WISNIFG.

Earlier in the week: "Honey, I'm taking (daughter's name) to the park this weekend. "

Clear. Concise.

If she come back and says your daughter and Grandpa has plans, then that is what it is. Make plans next weekend. Stop having hissy fits and temper tantrums of little shit like that. Take the time to work on you. Loser.

[–]Tyred_Biggums2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

So first you were using the green card as an excuse. And now the kid.

A kid is going to be really fucked up in the situation you have now. Who cares if you see the kid half the time - they will be far better off.

You clearly have zero self respect and zero boundaries. Physical abuse is a big red line to cross. Take pictures. Hell go to the cops and file a report if it’s still fresh.

Are you willing to burn it to the ground? Clearly you’re not - no HV man would accept this behavior.

You really need to talk to a lawyer immediately. Find the cash.

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I didn’t read a lot of this because I’ll be honest with you. I’d be ashamed of myself if my wife were physically abusing me. Your wife is behaving like this because you’re in essence, a fucking pussy. Your wife doesn’t respect you because she doesn’t see you as something to respect. You have zero boundaries and I doubt you’ve even tried reading the sidebar. You’re a lazy timid faggot and that’s why you’re in this mess to begin with.

If you had any sense in your head you would lawyer up, divorce your wife, and take your son out of this extremely toxic family dynamic that YOU are responsible for and give that child a better life. Leaving your child with a physically abusive woman would make you a double faggot. Set some boundaries, read the sidebar and start giving a shit about your life.

[–]kundataLost a fight to a laptop, Bitches get Stitches[S] -2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

I have considered taking the child legally but I work full time and cannot take care of a 5 year old alone by myself. The child also loves her mom so it doesn't seem fair to take her away like that (I know I've tolerated enough bs from the wife) but this is why I always stop from involving the law.

[–]fannyfire2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Excuses.

Absolute excuses.

You’ve got a child living in a toxic environment and all you can think about are excuses as to why you can’t do anything about your life. You’ve accepted zero responsibility for your life and this is why you are in this situation.

You’ve got four choices from what I see.

1) You can leave your wife and take your kid. 2) You can leave your wife and abandon your kid with a known physical abuser. 3) You can forgive your wife, read/do the sidebar and try to salvage what shit of a marriage you have. 4) You can do absolutely nothing and keep being physically abused while your child grows up in a toxic environment that YOU are responsible for allowing.

[–]learning00071 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm pretty sure you've been given some pretty good advice the last few times you posted the same story. You've followed none of it, so now it's your fault. Maybe you'd be happier in one of those relationship forums

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're not in a whirlpool, you're being flushed down a toilet. This is because she sees you as shit. I'm not gonna say she's wrong.

[–]tap09885340 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In France, not too long ago, if a man was beaten by his wife he would be punished. They would bind him and parade him through town riding backwards on a donkey and the villagers would rub dung in his face.

This is what you deserve for tolerating her.

[–]RicoDunne0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

From you weak frame and submissivness and her aggressive misandry I an going to venture you are Indian. 3rd most aggressive women in the world.

India es a feminzi paradise of weaponized false accusations taken seriously by beta cucks. But even a shrew can be tamed by an RP guy.

[–]sidepiecebandit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Since my last post, I've been keeping my head low, avoiding conflict with the wife but things have gotten considerably worse.

This is your problem. Reactive and in her frame.

[–]marv86kw0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dump her and the kid, wouldn't want your pussy ass a father figure. They'll be fine without you, if that's what you're worried about.



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