Need Help: Are Women capable of loving husbands unconditionally?

anothergoodbook · 2020-11-24T15:49:29+00:00

This is a conversation my husband and I have had. I want him to love me unconditionally. Even if I keep the house a mess or become really overweight. However he asked me if I would love him unconditionally if he decided to stop working or if he wouldn’t spend time with the kids.

What you had in that relationship sounds like you were a caretaker. As I’m learning more about codependency- that’s definitely what it sounds like. You were an enabler and didn’t really love her. It fulfilled some deeper need in you to give her all of that attention. And when she didn’t return that - it is causing you to question everything.

I’m learning there’s a balance to relationships. I need to take care of myself first. And then give out of the excess to my husband. I also can’t expect him to give more than I do (and vice versa) although sometimes life circumstances upset the balance from time to time. I am committed to him because I promised to be although I don’t always feel loving toward him. I do love him. But no. It isn’t unconditionally. Or at least staying in the relationship is not without conditions. I expect him to not hit me for example (an extreme example). I could still love him and want the best for him, but from a distance.

AnarchoNAP · 2020-11-24T16:33:02+00:00

Men don’t love their wives unconditionally either. If she cheats, murders the children, stops having sex with him but opens an Only Fans, cashes out the 401k to go on vacation, etc. And I don’t think this is a bad thing.

lookitsmeyay2 · 2020-11-24T16:29:01+00:00

The relationship dynamic you had and the way you view love seem very unhealthy to me.

I'm going to approach this from a less gendered point of view. The perfect love has three aspects to it: infatuation, liking the person as a person, and developing a bond over time. Everyone is capable of experiencing all three of these, but what causes infatuation or likeable traits differs from person to person. Once there is love, how people express it and want it to be expressed ALSO differs from person to person (aka the 5 love languages: giving gifts, saying nice things, touch, acts of service, and spending time together).

Loving someone with no pretenses is impossible if you have a high self esteem and solid set of values. High self esteem --> high standards for what you want and how you're willing to be treated based on what you value most. The unconditional part is loving someone when they're going through something difficult and they need comfort and assurance. It's accepting them for who they are, flaws and all, but these are not strong flaws in your eyes and NEVER do you give someone a pass for mistreatment. If you can give love despite mistreatment, that speaks to an inadequacy you feel inside, not to your capacity for love.

Truly unconditional love is not a thing for healthy individuals, but it's perfectly reasonable to find someone who loves you for who and what you are, shares the same goals and values as you, and wants to build a life together and grow with you. Love yourself first, though, and draw some healthy boundaries for your well-being.

firedrill134a · 2020-11-24T15:52:08+00:00

Unconditional love is for your children, not for your life partner.

RaspberryInk · 2020-11-24T15:57:14+00:00

Your post is very contradictory. You seem convinced that men can love unconditionally, yet women are slaves to their nature? Why would you think men could escape biological programming, but women couldn't? Regardless of how you think humanity came to be, we've all been here for the same amount of time.

The truth is a bit of both--people are driven by their instincts, but there are also plenty of examples of unconditional love. Whether it's really unconditional, or just based on a benevolent needs being met is a different discussion, but also deeper than what you're talking about. The truth is there's no dynamic of love where it can't be reframed as "meeting a need,"... but I also don't know that this makes it any less legitimate.

Also, side note, but if you think something along the lines of 'only I can think for myself, but you're just a responsive robot,' you're not really a "dream guy." That's a big red flag in the personality department.

2020-11-24T15:34:59+00:00

No and I believe that men can't love their wife unconditionally either. Many men lose interest if their wives become too fat or don't provide sex.

Noseatbeltnoairbag · 2020-11-24T15:37:09+00:00

I find it interesting that God commands men to love their wives, but He commands us to be submissive to our husbands. The reason is because a woman's greatest need is security. A man's greatest need is respect.

A Christian woman with a Biblical mentality will naturally want to be Biblically submissive to her husband. I desire this very much. A man with a Biblical mentality will want to love and secure his wife and his love for her, making her want to be more submissive, and the cycle continues on. Yes, I think we can unconditionally love our husbands. Even when the marriage vow has been broken, we still love them. But, it's the man who keeps the home bound, and in order, (husBAND). We as women are to offer a support role, tend to our husbands, and raise the children. But the foundation starts with them, as God identifies the man as the head of the home.

Throwaway230306 · 2020-11-24T16:28:59+00:00

One downside of the Western culture of romantic love is that people form unreasonable and hyper earnest ideas about love, among which is "unconditional" love in long-term romantic relationships. I see this expectation and subsequent dissappointment even in RP circles.

For much of recent history, marriage was first about mutual duty, obligation, and need, held in check by social expectations and consequences. Your grandparents' marriage seems to be a great example of this. Loving acts may have been expected unconditionally, and rightfully so, but "love" itself was not. This is normal and healthy.

This structure collapsed after the sexual revolution, so now no one feels obligated to fulfill their duty, and that's too bad.

But it's the strange preoccupation with unconditional love (which in RP circles quickly turns to women=bad!) that's unreasonable.

Mewster1818 · 2020-11-24T16:54:41+00:00

I'm Catholic and I don't think any adult relationship should be unconditional. When we consent to each other and make vows to each other, we are agreeing to conditions such as faithfulness.

There are things that should be deal-breakers and the expectation should always be that we must uphold our part of the "deal". Now what those deal breakers are for you and your husband is up for you to each determine and set as boundaries, with the mutual understanding that these are things that cannot be condoned and will result in a termination of the relationship. All other things that may arise you therefore consent to work through, so long as it is mutual work.

Marriage is ultimately about creating a union in order to have and raise children. There are ways in which biblically we should care for one another, however romantic marriage is only a fairly contemporary notion and even the definition of what is meant by love has changed. Ultimately I do support many parts of romantic marriage, however I do not support that we've forgotten the root purpose of marriage or that it has long been conditional on factors such as faithfulness.

I also don't think conditional love is not "true love". I absolutely love my husband, I really never worry about him breaking those conditions because I have placed my trust in him and he has vowed before God to honor those conditions. But were he to be unfaithful or abusive, then these are not things that I could allow in the marriage and I would expect him to absolutely hold me to the same standards.

PawfullyPlayful · 2020-11-24T17:13:51+00:00

As someone who lost their Fiance to illness, I will keep it simple: Yes.

I was with the same man my entire adult life. I loved and adored that man with every fiber of my being. His illness caused limb loss and weakness and even still, I loved him more than anything. Leaving him never crossed my mind.

It's been 2 years since he's been gone and I have moved on, but there is never a day that he does not cross my mind. I loved him for everything he was, money or not and I would do it all again just to see his smile again.

littleudonbowl · 2020-11-24T16:20:22+00:00

No way - my husband is currently unemployed, but I know he is actively looking for work and tutoring university students on the side right now to bring in extra income. We are a team. If either of us tried to damage the relationship intentionally (like cheating, refusing to provide for the other, etc), I would not be able to handle it.

gi_m3lo · 2020-11-24T16:39:31+00:00

These people, both men and women are hard to find. But i promess you that yes it does exists, usually they (or we) are younger and haven’t had many heartbreaks etc because that really damages someone

raspberry_rain · 2020-11-24T18:06:17+00:00

I think there’s a balance. There’s unconditional love and then there’s a one sided relationship. I speak from the perspective of an LTR, not yet married, so it’s a little different. I wouldn’t leave my man or lose respect or love over something out of his control, a job loss, an injury or illness that left him unable to work/function/have sex, inability to have kids, etc.

I WOULD leave or lose respect/love over something within his control. Completely letting himself go, refusing to work when capable, etc. and I would expect the same in reverse. If I quit my job, decided to live on welfare, and quit showering I’d have no right to complain if he left me!

That said, we aren’t married so we are still vetting. Once married, that changes, I was raised in a religion that only allows divorce for unfaithfulness. I no longer formally practice that religion but I still subscribe to that view of marriage. I’d only leave a marriage over physical abuse or chronic infidelity. I believe once you choose a spouse you’re CHOOSING to love that person for life. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

johnzlikesit · 2020-11-24T18:57:23+00:00

A general question: is the whole RP theory based on woman choosing their offspring over their SO? If that's the case, isn't that a pretty flawed theory, as I think both sexes at least majority have a desire to choose the offspring over their SO.

FlouncyMcTwinkle · 2020-11-24T15:32:11+00:00

The red pill answer is no, we cant / arent. Recommend you read some Rollo Tomassi for more info

Brandonxxxi · 2020-11-24T15:38:37+00:00

No. Women only love conditionally except for their children. They are incapable of sacrificial traits that makes unconditional love except for their children. Men are capable of unconditional love.

Need Help: Are Women capable of loving husbands unconditionally?

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Title	Need Help: Are Women capable of loving husbands unconditionally?
Author	johnzlikesit
Upvotes	0
Comments	73
Date	November 24, 2020 3:23 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/k06y5b/need_help_are_women_capable_of_loving_husbands/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/need-help-are-women-capable-of-loving-husbands.331521 https://theredarchive.com/post/331521