Summary: Succes in self development can make you feel great, but you might become to cocky and think you can do everything at the same time. If you try to change too many areas of your life at the same time, you will probably fail, and this failure while hurt your positive momentum. Learn from this dudes mistakes.

Source: https://intplayer.wordpress.com/2015/09/20/stuck-in-a-rut/

I stumbled on this piece and related to it.

STUCK IN A RUT

It's weird. I've gotten myself into a rut and I've no idea how I got there. It's been a long time since I felt this lethargic and unmotivated. Some examples:

  • Last night I went out with a buddy and it took me two and a half hours to get into state. I started out a 4.5 and I peaked at a 7 (in terms of overall mood), maybe.
  • I've been binge gaming RTS games while at the same time worsening my attention span: on Monday I installed Rise of Legends, played it for one day, then uninstalled. On Tuesday I installed Battle Realms, played it for an hour, deleted it, then installed Planetary Annihilation, played it for a few seconds, then deleted it as well and settled on Command & Conquer 3 for the day. On Wednesday, I removed C&C3 and installed Act of Aggression... This cycle of installing, playing a game for a few hours and then replacing it with something new was a recurring theme the entire week.
  • I do the same for movies, but can't even be bothered to finish them. I've seen the first half of Avengers, Ant Man, Attack on Titan, etc... and I don't even care to see how they end.

This rut seems to have come out of nowhere, but it's hitting hard. I can feel my sleep going downhill, my thinking becoming negative and I'm losing all interest in what's happening around me, just sulking around feeling bored and ashamed.

I feel like this shouldn't be happening to me. I feel like I should know better, like I'm entitled to not having to experience ruts.

Didn't I quit porn since December 2014? Didn't I quit smoking and energy drink since April 2015? Didn't I quit drinking coffee in August? Didn't I rack up 16 notches in a little bit more than a year? Haven't I proven to myself that I can achieve things if I set my mind to it? Why doesn't this count for shit?

Haven't I read Gorilla Mindset, The Happiness Trap, Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life, The Motivation Hacker, The One Thing, Essentialism: A Disciplined Pursuit Of Less, Endgame, Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, Start With Why, Smartcuts and whatever else in the last two years or so? Why doesn't this information count for shit right now when I need it?

I'm immersed in self-development. It feels like I've read so much, done so much, followed all the rules they've set out for me. I got to the gym. I'm setting goals. I'm trying to make self reflection a habit. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do?

I'm in a rut.

What's even weirder is that, probably two weeks ago I felt good. Probably three weeks ago I felt great. In August I felt so confident and proud that I even had the courage to preach the self development Gospel and feel like I had the goods to back it up. These last months, on average, I've never felt structurally this good.

And now it's all gone.

Why? Why can you just wake up one day and have all your momentum be dissipated? Why can you just wake up a blank slate as if all your achievements never happened and never mattered? Why am I slobbing away behind my computer, growing annoyed, apathetic and angry?

I think I know the answer.

I've tried to bite of more than I can chew. Growing overconfident from a success streak I wanted too much too fast and ended up failing as a consequence, creating negative momentum, halting my success ramp and landing me into a rut.

It started in August when I created massive positive momentum by creating a morning ritual, and sticking to it. Then after completing my morning ritual I committed to simply doing 1 hour of work. Using Getting Things Done, I would crush all the shitty small little tasks I had to do in that 1 hour. Proving to myself day after day that I had the discipline to follow through gave me a huge surge of pride, and made me want even more.

So I started to go after more. I joined a Video A Day Challenge Facebook group and added making a video every morning to my morning ritual stack. I decided I wanted a night time ritual as well. I decided I wanted to stack even more positive habits after my 1 hour work block. I decided I wanted to work on my sleep, learn to meditate before sleeping, eat a tasty breakfast every morning, write a self-reflection every day, read at least one hour every day, write for my blog an hour a day, study for my masters two hours a day, get a job on the side, make a project out of positive thinking, purchase proteïn powder and start to bulk, write goals every morning, drink more water, make a plan to develop even better social skills, learn storytelling, and whatever else eludes my short-term memory at the moment. I wanted it all.

My god, I still want to do all of this at the same time.

Of course, I failed.

Some examples: - I bought black curtains to facilitate better sleep. I bought melatonin pills to fall asleep more easily. Instead my pitch black room was kind of terrifying, and the melatonin made me wake up in the middle of the night every time. With my head full of plans, it took me at least an hour to fall asleep each day. - I missed one day of the video challenge and immediately lost confidence and became frustrated with my inability to follow through. - I bought the Whey protein but never got round to eating it because I didn't know how it worked and it tasted weird. - I'd write self reflection but I'd be so critical towards myself that writing the reflection became a grudging chore and I'd quit halfway because it was too hard and then I'd feel bad about quitting again. - Eventually, because of the mental load, I even quit following through on my morning ritual which was the initial source of my pride to begin with.

The joy and pride of discipline was slowly eroded and I lost the ability to see the big picture and appreciate the wins. While cooking a very tasty breakfast, all I could think about was the Whey protein which I hadn't bought a mixer for, looked up the optimal shake recipe and added to my breakfast. While squatting deep in the gym my working memory was occupied with the fact I hadn't read a book the entire week. While in class for four hours straight I was thinking about the goals I forgot to write down that morning. While having a fun social day I'd have a bunch of ideas for self reflection and lament that I didn't have the time to write them down. While behind my PC wanting to write my self reflection, but lacking the motivation, I would lament my lack of social fun that day. Going out became a chore because I had to write a comprehensive field report. Going to sleep became a chore because I had another 60 minutes to mill away at all the projects that just weren't working out.

I stopped enjoying. I didn't want to talk to people anymore because I didn't feel good about myself. Writing goals filled me with resentment because I didn't complete them. Talking about self development filled me with shame because I wasn't living up to my potential. Everything related to self improvement became a prospect of dread, and the dopamine wells were drying up fast.

So how does one cope? Quick fixes of low consciousness, mind numbing addictions: gaming, youtube video's, tv shows, movies, et cetera. Anything to avoid having to think.

And that's how I arrived in this rut.

I did away with my PC last night as an emergency measure (writing from a university PC at the moment). I unplugged the screen and locked it up in the basement storage room. At the very least, I need to unplug from the shitty habits that are attached to my computer and the escapism it provides.

I could say now's the time to get my shit together and go at it hard, but the problem is that I want to go too hard and refuse to acknowledge that my capacities are limited.

My ego wants me to be some kind of polymath demigod who can acquire 5 habits a week, easily learn skills like meditation, nutritional awareness and self reflection, be a brilliant student, earn a fat stack of cash, run a popular and well read blog, have a Navy Seal work-ethic, read 4 books a month, run a harem of 3 and more, and more... and MORE, a.k.a. follow the Blueprint of the self improvement creed by the letter. But, ironically, by trying to do too much all at once, I end up doing nothing adequately.

And I know this. I should know this. I've had these kinds of ruts before. I've had these "self dev cycles" of highs and lows over and over again. And it was always the same story: I'd get overconfident and try to do too much at once, then get dissuaded by inevitably being unable to do it.

Why am I not learning from this mistake? I know it's a tendency I have and I know it sucks, so why do I keep letting it happen? Why can't I just be content with keeping it small, steady and slow?

My problem is that I've been unwilling to admit I can't do it all. Admitting this would somehow tarnish my ego, and I wasn't even aware my ego was this phat. Admitting I'm limited seems like an unacceptable proposition. I can say it, I can write it, I can rationally know it's true, but it doesn't register. I don't want to allow the possibility.

Why?

Why do I care so much about being exceptional? Why do I want it fast? Why am I impatient? Why can't I just learn form my mistakes and change?

I can't answer these questions for myself, so I guess I'm going to have to ask someone else.

Lessons learned: Be humble, go at one thing at a time, take your time.