TL;DR

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One of the most persistent redpill tenets regarding dating standards for men is that one avoid dating single mothers at all costs. Now while most other red flags that are commonly mentioned here are on a sliding scale (age, partner count, number of tattoos etc.), this one is pretty black and white: Once her "child count" is > 0, she's basically toast.

While the redpill community is already decided on that subjct (so I am preaching to the choir here), not everyone outside of it is. In the past, I've had my share of discussions with my pals about dating women with kids, and though they usually weren't to keen on dating them either, they generally haven't put much thought into it and - more importantly - weren't strictly opposed to it (the exception were those guys who didn't want to have kids at all). Now while everyone is free to tank his life if he insists to do so, I wouldn't wish it on them, and I guess neither do you with your friends. So I took upon myself to compile a short list of reasons against dating single mothers.

I) Personality flaws

The root cause of single motherhood is usually that they're the result of bad decisions, and those bad decisions were the result of personality flaws of one sort or another on part of the mother. And while the feminine imperative has pushed an awful lot of propaganda down our collective throats of how awesome and selfless and great and competent and all-round angelic beings single mothers are; reality is more that the average single mother is actually a pretty sub-par woman. It's not that women who aren't single mothers can't have their more questionable character traits - it's that single moms are almost guaranteed to have them.

  1. low FTO (future time orientation): Often enough, a single mother ends up in her situation because she simply didn't think things through. Having a kid is no cakewalk, especially not if you have to take care of all by yourself, yet she did it anyway. And this isn't the result of just a single bad decision, but of a string of them: She decided to have sex with the wrong guy, she didn't properly take care of contraceptives, she didn't abort, and she didn't put her baby up for adoption. She made one stupid call after another and as a result she's burdened by a little bundle of joy that has cost her her easymode; and now she's surprised how hard it is to get by or to find a date because men aren't falling over themselves to take care of her and her kid.
  2. questionable taste and/or standards: While low FTO usually plays into this, oftentimes her choice of partner is a red flag in itself. The woman in question either had sex with a guy who didn't care at all; or with a guy above her league who just didn't care enough for her. Or the guy didn't bail, but was such a shitty partner that she ultimately left. Either way, the fact that she has a kid by that guy tells you a lot about her.
  3. insufficient attraction: This is basically the other side of #2 - in this case the stupid decision isn't that she picked an unreliable or abusive guy she was attracted to, but that she picked a guy she wasn't attracted (or to whom she stopped being attracted). Whether she left because she wasn't happy or made him leave because she sucked the happiness out of him - both outcomes don't reflect well on her, especially considering that she had a kid by him.
  4. manipulative: This is the case when the woman didn't have a kid by accident, but intentionally went through with the pregnancy because she hoped to be able to lock down the guy. Whether she succeeded for a time or not is secondary; the fact is that she was willing to put pressure on a guy she suspected wasn't willing to stay with her
  5. insufferable: This is when she has dated a dude who had ample reason for wanting to leave her despite the kid (if he didn't but still left, it's a case of #2). Maybe he was a decent guy who was just too frustrated to continue to put up with her, maybe he was an asshole himself, but at the end of the day she drove him away and therefore had a huge part in the breakup.

These points can occur alone or in combination (the only ones that are mutually exclusive are 2 and 3), they can be black and white and shades of grey (f.ex. if a couple whose relationship is already over decide to have a kid to "save" it, it can be either 1 or 4 depending on how much she let herself be talked into it and how much talking she did herself); and the frequency of each point may vary depending on what type of single mother you're dealing with - while the stereotypical trashy single mom very probably is guilty of 1 and 2 (and possibly 4 and 5 on top of that), even an otherwise decent divorcee is still probably guilty of 3.

If you want to err on the safer side, consider all these hard rules. Out of all the single mothers I got to know, all except two were already undatable for one or more of the personality flaws mentioned above alone (without going into the reasons mentioned below). And one of those two one was still guilty of 3. The possible exception to these rules, as has been mentioned here a lot before, are widows (or women with kids who lost their partner without being married). "Possible" because her partner dying doesn't automatically make her beyond reproach -however, at the very least it's possible that she did nothing wrong and would have sticked to the father of her kids no matter what, but life fucked her over. And to them the following still applies.

II) The downsides of the kid

Now that we have covered the personality flaws that made sure that a woman became a single mother in the first place (and which alone should already be enough to make any reasonable guy reconsider dating one of them), let's go into the actual reason why most men won't date a single mother in the first place: the kid.

  1. Kids are expensive: This is the most obvious drawback, because contrary to popular belief in the manosphere, getting by as a single mother isn't a smooth sailing. Kids are expensive in terms of time, money, attention etc.; and men are usually paying for this one way or another: either directly through money, or indirectly because they have to "share" the woman's spare time.
  2. Kids usually are a limited commodity: With this I mean that there's often a hard limit on the number of kids a woman is willing to have - and for every kid she already has this means she'll probably want one less from the next guy (though she might throw him a bone and have one more if she has already reached her limit). This means not only is a man in a serious relationship with a single mother he'll be expected to pay handsomely for that privilege, but he'll also lose out at least partially on any future biological children.
  3. The man takes the backseat in the mother's priorities: This is crucial. A guy who dates a single mom not only will have less quality time with his partner because she has to arrange their social life schedule around the needs of her kids, but he for all intents and purposes does not matter as much to her. This is often discussed but rarely actually elaborated to its fullest extent: women themselves say (in guides like "X things you should know about dating a single mom") that a man wanting to date her must expect that she won't be as freely available as a childless woman (makes sense); manospherians object that you'll take a backseat behind everything else (her kid, herself, her spare time, her family etc.). But what it actually means is that ultimately, a man dating a single mom is disposable to her. Think of it: Assuming the woman had to make a life or limb-decision "the kid or her partner", whom would she pick? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. Now I wouldn't blame any woman for that; actually, I would count on it, and be fine (well, as fine as I can be) with that if it was my own kid. But that also makes a woman a sub-par partner if you don't really have a connection to the kid - and in those rare cases where she would pick the guy, a sub-par mother. It's a damned if you do damned if you don't-situation.

III) Single mothers are incentivized to be manipulative

And finally: Due to their predicament, single mothers will be strongly incentivized to use you, manipulate you, and deceive you. The thing is: if we believe women who are in that situation (and in this case we have no reason not to), being a single mother is hard, exhausting and lonely. And with the hit her romantic prospects have caught due to that state (see above), she's caught between a rock and a hard place, and has ample reason to be a lot more compromising when it comes to dating, albeit with an ulterior motive - expect single moms to be basically wall-hitters on steroids in that regard. Now not every woman will steep that low, and plenty would rather soldier through on their own instead of dating a guy with the sole intention of shifting part of her workload onto him. Alas, plenty will do it (remember, we're talking about a group of women who owe their state to being worse than the average specimen), and not every one is as transparent as Lori Gottlieb about fully intending to take advantage of a partner (bonus point for being transparent about not feeling attraction for a guy like that). And it's the latter group men have to watch out for, because odds are that she'll do practically everything to actively manipulate him into thinking he found a unicorn.

  1. She'll shift her standards: This is where the deception starts. As we're aware of, women in their prime oftentimes have, well, particular standards about who they're willing to date and/or fuck; while women past their prime may gradually adjust their priorities and aim for more reliable and less exciting types. Single moms, however, have an additional priority on top of getting hitched: Having someone at their disposal who makes their life easier (or bearable at all). And if they're desperate enough, they may be willing to basically sacrifice themselves for their kid and start something with a guy they don't feel attracted to at all.
  2. She'll sell a bill of false goods: Another consequence is also her willingness to nail down a guy at all costs. People in general will be on their best behavior while dating, desperate ones will go far and beyond that and actively try pretending to be unicorns even for completely unremarkable people of the opposite sex - and single moms might even do so for guys they aren't even that attracted to in the first place. She'll be the perfect partner in ever regard - until he's hooked, has put a ring on her and signed the adoption forms, that is.
  3. She'll take advantage of her partner and won't have a bad conscience while doing so: Now, the result of a woman like that not feeling affection for her partner but a lot of responsibility for her child is one who will do basically anything that serves her and her kid, no matter how it affects the guy in that equation. Her resentment for him (after all, she's trapped with even though she never actually wanted to) and the fact that she's doing it for her child will help her assuaging any feelings of guilt she possibly has.

Summary

Now the items on this list aren't absolutes. Even among single moms, the she-devils who have next to no redeemable features and will do basically everything to first get you hooked and then squeeze you out are a psychopathic minority. Alas, they aren't just TRP alarmism: Because on a sliding scale, all of the above simply is far more likely to happen if a guy foolishly decides to date a single mother. So, when dealing with one, one has to account for the following:

  • she's a woman who most likely has questionable character flaws which are responsible for her predicament.
  • odds are that she's either a bad partner or a bad mother (or both.)
  • if you can date a woman of her quality without kids, why would you date one with them? Equally important: if you can't date a woman of her quality without kids, then you won't be happy with that one either.