One of my biggest pet peeves with modern dating is how lazy and informal it's gotten. Either guys just want to fuck with no strings, or they want to "hang out" or "Netflix & chill" until you wake up from a weed-infused Cheeto dust fever dream coma, with both of you having sat on the couch "hanging out" until you're in a de facto relationship with some lazy LV loser, both of you getting fatter and dumber by the day.

We gotta stop letting this happen. But, I kept finding that even older, HVM were pulling the "so wanna hang out?" card and if I were to block/delete every dude who said this, I would have no matches (like most men, haha). I started to realize, maybe men are conditioned to think that asking for "dates" is too formal? Or opens them up to the possibility of rejection, and their egos can't handle it? Regardless of the reason, I'm not playing this "hang out" game. Half the time it's just lazy, and half the time they are hoping that if you are willing to "settle" for "hanging out", you're willing to "settle" for just "hanging out in his bed".

So I started trying out different approaches to this question, with varying results. Sometimes I hit it a little too hard and got defensive and that definitely didn't work. Sometimes I would try and make a joke but usually they'd just be like "hahaha, so wanna hang out?" and completely miss the point. But I found the best approach, with the most consistently positive results, would go something like this:

Him: Haha so, you wanna hang out some time?

Me: Sorry, I don't do "hangouts". I have friends for that. You can ask me on a date, though!

95% of the time, he will say something to the effect of "I love dates!" or "I would love that!" or a couple of times I had guys say "hey, I respect that" and it's followed up with a request for dinner. I was genuinely shocked at the positive responses. I think many men want to respect us, but we as women have just gotten so used to accepting and tolerating the bare minimum that they haven't been expected to try very much, if at all. Why put forth effort if you've never had to?

So, re-write it in your own words but make it clear:

  • You're not on dating apps to "hang out"
  • You have actual friends for that
  • You're open for dates, if he chooses to ask you.

And that's pretty much it. If he doesn't ask you, he was never going to actually date you, so you've lost out on nothing but wasted time. If he snaps to attention and actually comes correct with a date invite, there you go!

I'll leave you with this quote from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man:

“I'm sure that if woman laid out the rules- requirements- early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on. A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything-someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have- your benefits- are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he DESERVES them.The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud beneficiary of your benefits. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait.”