Advice for dating religious men?

circescircus · 2020-06-28T13:10:23+00:00

Same as vetting all other men.

Men from x religion and y culture are not special or a different breed of male. Just vet them the way you'd vet anyone else, don't give them any special exceptions, don't give them the benefit of the doubt. Also be super aware of bad people pretending to be religious.

outside-perception · 2020-06-28T13:15:28+00:00

The biggest issue with religious men is that they often use it as a front to have high expectations for women but not go by it themselves. I'll use an example.

Near the tail end of my legal contract with my ex, he admitted something that said a lot about his character; he went back to his ex HS sweetheart before we met. They both went to private Catholic school. He stopped practicing at 16. She was still active. By the time they got back together they were in university. He admitted that he made fake promises to her about going back to the church in order to appease her HOWEVER, he would've only gone to mass a handful of times then never go back.

The above is so common it's sickening. He would've lied about church to get laid and have her carry his children. To be convincing.

So how do you vet that? Watch their actions. How do they word things. See how they speak about G-d. To me spirituality is a big deal but we have to be extra careful because they will sniff that out like piranhas. I try to keep my own pendants and spiritual symbols private. I do not make it known. Watch how they treat others. How well they remember stuff.

For example: my HVM is thoroughly 100% Ashkenazi Jewish. He doesn't talk about it constantly. He only answers what I ask in regards to that (please note Jews do not proselytise so it is different - it goes against their culture to do so). He treats everyone with respect no matter their appearance. He speaks to everyone accordingly and respectfully. He doesn't wear it on his sleeve

His actions speak about his character. His spirituality is simply a part of that. He doesn't use it for anything and he doesn't use it as a front to talk over others or have a superiority complex. Unfortunately, many religious men do.

Edit: also on a level of Judaism something interesting: mothers and rabbis are considered the same in terms of respect and value.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-06-28T15:50:22+00:00

The majority opinion isn’t avoid them. A few vocal commenters don’t form the bulk of FDS.

You need to find a HVM that is a match for you. If religion is important to you, then screen for religion. But the qualities of a HVM don’t change because he is religious. I think a lot of women put that as their number one thing then ignore all the other concerns (eg. His take on gender roles).

boringcatwrangler · 2020-06-28T16:24:58+00:00

As a devout catholic, I realized early on that a lot of my beliefs would result in a serious amount of physical and emotional vulnerability within a marriage. As a result I’ve learned to be even stricter with vetting men who claim to share my faith.

Religious men can be high value, but that’s heavily dependent on their emotional health. Personally, I’ve found a simple way to weed out disingenuous types is to suggest attending daily mass together once a week.

Maybe tailor that to your particular faith?

goatismycopilot · 2020-06-28T16:36:01+00:00

Religious men are exactly the same. If anything you have to be cautious because they will talk a better morals and character game than non religious men and it can be easy to get hung up on their words get distracted and not look at actual behaviors.

I live in the south of the US plenty of self declared evangelical Christian men. They still watch porn, ask for anal, and cheat on their wives when married.

degnan1214 · 2020-06-28T15:05:00+00:00

Be very careful, take your time, and vet them like you would any other man. I would be wary of a man who was "returning" to his faith or had started being more active after being inactive for a while. (He may be just coming back to find a wife.)

There are all kinds of men at church. My pastor and his wife were high school sweethearts and are still happily married after probably 60 years. (They're almost 80.) Another man has been his wife's caregiver for I don't know how long and is such a sweet, gentle man. One younger man was caregiver for his wife and took care of his very young children as his wife died of cancer. He's remarried and seems to have a beautiful life ahead of him after such a tragic start. A true HVM.

I can't speak to how great a husband these men are behind closed doors, but our church wouldn't tolerate infidelity, verbal or physical abuse (that they knew about) so I assume that all these men are reasonably free of such behavior.

My own dad, while having his flaws, changed a diaper now and then and gave his kids a bottle too. He was my mom's biggest advocate and very proud of her. I witnessed HVM behavior up close, and for that I am grateful.

Then you have the man from a "good church family" who married the PASTOR'S DAUGHTER (from a neighboring church) and cheated on her with a co-worker. I don't know how that girl could have vetted that. The unfaithful husband's family is mortified—that's not how they raised him! The pastor's daughter is now (last I heard) dating another church guy, who as far as I heard is a decent guy.

When you have a network of church people who know each other well, they often can share information and family history and can help "vet" a guy for you. Listen to them. Listen to the grandmas and the aunts and so forth. They often keep abreast of everything that is going on.

I wish you well!

Blackishcat27 · 2020-06-28T18:48:10+00:00

It honestly depends on the man. My dad was actively Mormon and was high value through and through. My husband and I grew up in it but are out now and he's also high value. I think for someone whose religious the big danger is assuming they're a good person because they say they're Christian or whatever religion it is.

JaneIsaPain · 2020-06-29T05:56:45+00:00

I met some great religious men back when I was religious at university.

Most religious men tend to be conservative, which tends to mean anti-women traits like abortion should be illegal, contraception should be banned, women should stay home with their kids. Etc. Sometimes it is impossible to separate their religiousness and conservatism.

gracefullrose · 2020-06-28T14:07:35+00:00

I agree with the comments so far about the hypocrisy shown by men claiming to be religious. As a non-religious person myself I was easy going about whatever cult the person wanted to identify with. And without fail they were all willing to take me to bed and then explain afterwards why I was sinning against their god by whatever it was they didn't like me doing.

Pretend-Valuable · 2020-06-29T09:29:05+00:00

I think it depends on what you are looking for. I'm a Christian, and knew I wanted to date a Christian man, so that we would have the same views on going to church, and hopefully match in our opinions on other issues.

However, just because a man says he is a 'Christian', it doesn't mean he is though. I still had to vet men, ask the hard questions, see how they live, watch their morals and attitudes etc. I've finally found what I believe to be a HVM, who is a Christian, actively lives it, and has many other high value qualities as well. It takes time, and I had to learn to not settle for someone just because they said they were Christian and would have been willing to go to church with me.

So for me, I was avoiding non-religious men rather than religious ones! It really does depend what you are looking for in a relationship and how important certain values are for you.

Abderral · 2020-06-28T13:42:09+00:00

DANGER! DANGER!

All religions, moderate or radical or any other bs, especially if it has a male on the front (jesus, muhammed, budha etc) are anti-women. They are instruments to controle women and enslave them in all kind of ways, and a male who does not recognize this is not your ally. Men like religion so much because it surves them and their interests FIRST and gives them all kinds of privilege. Think very carefully about your religion and pose some critical questions and see how religion are the original form of patriachy.

Summerisle7 · 2020-06-28T14:52:36+00:00

I would not date a religious man unless I was also a member of the religion. Being judged by a belief system you don’t believe in is not fun or fair. Also I’d watch him like a hawk for signs of hypocrisy. Hint: Pretty much every religion on earth frowns on casual or pre-marital sex and on porn use.

F1shB1rd · 2020-06-28T17:21:13+00:00

I recently got back into religion and though I was hopeful that I could possibly find a good man through church or church groups (my ex-husband is atheist) my christian friend made a great point. She said, yes, you could meet someone, but be careful. You came to God broken, so chances are so are a lot of men who go to church. So, yes, definitely proceed with caution. You don't know why people go to church or started going.

paperbackbaker · 2020-06-28T13:10:52+00:00

Liars, 2faced, hipocrites,will do the most abusive shit in bed and then wine to you when their ex starts doing pole dancing for fun. 0/10 would not do again.

Title	Advice for dating religious men?
Author	m3dli
Upvotes	23
Comments	26
Date	June 28, 2020 12:43 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hhdr2g/advice_for_dating_religious_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-for-dating-religious-men.701736 https://theredarchive.com/post/701736

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