Being a single mum is hard but being a single mum to a special needs child is much more challenging.

As FDS says, the man you choose to be your children’s father is extremely important, so important that I’d engage in genetic counseling before having children.

There are seemingly HVM who will take off or tune out due to the stress of having a child with special needs so it’s also important to vet them genetically.

Ask if they have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents with genetic disorders, developmental delays and learning disabilities, ask if they’ve tried for children with previous partners. Lots of miscarriages are a red flag for a possible genetic anomaly.

My son has two rare copy number variants and his primary symptom is autism. He has a half brother who is autistic and I didn’t think much of it because I was taught that women’s behaviour during pregnancy—what she eats, whether she breastfeeds, etc.—were responsible for autism.

Wow was I ever wrong. Turns out their dad carried the copy number variants but they didn’t affect him as severely.

Vetting a man isn’t just vetting their behaviour but their genetics too. If you do have access to prenatal genetic counselling, I highly advise you to do it.

Please take this lesson from me. I didn’t genetically vet, plus I ignored red flags in his behaviour and for that I have been rewarded with a life as a single mum caring for a non-verbal autistic child who will go deaf. I love him. That doesn’t mean it isn’t heartbreaking and that I haven’t had to end my career to be a full-time caregiver.

Fortunately, I have help from my family—another reason not to move far away from your family for the sake of a man. No immediate family usually means no support once the baby arrives and even less if they have special needs.

And if you do end up in my situation with a special needs child with a NVM as a father, the best thing you can do to make your life easier is get as far away from that NVM or LVM as possible, secure full custody and as much child support money you can get.

Don’t make my mistake. The vetting doesn’t stop with their behaviour.