“Set boundaries, find peace”

throwaway04357 · 2021-05-19T17:02:33+00:00

I go by how I would act and what I would do.

Would I ignore someone for days if I genuinely liked them? No. Would I be distant towards someone out of the blue just because? No.

I don't give men the benefit of the doubt. They're acting shitty because they know they'll most likely get away with it and if they cared there wouldn't be confusion. They know exactly what they're doing and how shitty it is.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-05-19T17:11:46+00:00

I would find someone where you don't have to ask for every little thing. Why do you need to teach someone *constantly* how to treat you? It is exhausting. It also opens you up to manipulation and gaslighting.

I would reserve setting and sticking to boundaries, like the author of that book touched on, for bigger things. (E.g. where you are willing to live, how to navigate in-laws, life goals, etc.)

An example I can think of is if you were hired at a company. And then one day you just don't show up. Should the manager have communicated with you that you can't just not show up without telling someone? No. That's a given of having a job.

In the dating world, there are many men that try to be with women without putting in effort. FDS teaches us to be quick to drop these men so that we don't waste our time and energy.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2021-05-19T18:54:24+00:00

Nedra wants you to teach LV people how to be HV.

I find that exhausting. I am so sick of being a mommy to everyone that I just won't do it. If you don't have your shit together, I don't want to know you.

blackcanves · 2021-05-19T20:19:11+00:00

I think it depends on the boundary, whether or not it should be verbally communicated. I'll give two examples - one where you should and one where you shouldn't.

Example 1 - No phone calls after 8 pm: If someone suggested a call after 8 pm (potential partner or friend), I wouldn't just block them. I would let them know that I don't take calls that late and would suggest an earlier time. Now, if they ignore this then you respond with action (in most cases blocking).

Example 2 - Name-calling: If someone called be a B****, then there is no need to verbally communicate that boundary. It is a fairly universal standard of respect. So in this case, you would just block the person.

In general, you want to ask yourself:

Is this boundary relatively universal? If yes - then there is no need to communicate it verbally. It is a given, and anyone that's crossing that boundary is knowingly disrespecting you.

Or is it uniquely specific to me? if yes, is it related to a known part of me/my lifestyle? If yes - then same as above. If no - then you can verbally communicate your boundary to them ONCE. And if disrespected then you respond with action. Never communicate your boundary more than once and never justify why you have a certain boundary. If they ask for justification then you respond with action.

If you ever have doubt about weather your boundary would be known then I'd say it depends on who you're interacting with. If you're dealing with a new female friend then sure maybe give them the benefit of doubt. But if you're dealing with a man (within the context of dating or not) NEVER give them the benefit of the doubt. The doubt is from years of being conditioned to put men first, to make excuses from them, etc. And in the end what do you really have to lose by cutting them off? A man, who's making you doubt something so early on? Definitely not worth the headache.

Honestly if you're still learning about your own boundaries and how to implement them, I'd suggest taking a break from dating. Instead, use that time to practice boundary setting with female friends. It's a lot risker to practice boundary setting with men. Personally, that's something that I'm working on right now.

2340000 · 2021-05-19T17:05:54+00:00

No, you don't verbally state your boundaries. What decent person treats people however they want UNTIL that persons "explains" their boundaries? TBH, it sounds like she might've drank the male logic Kool Aid. We demonstrate our boundaries exclusively with actions. Men who are interested in us give us all they can offer. Not a portion. ALL. You determine if you want him based on what he offers.

For example, if a man offers a date that's unacceptable to your standards do you tell him what you expect or do you block him? If a man always let's the door close on you, do you tell him you don't expect that, or do you block him? If he constantly talks over you/ignores you without authentic remorse, do you explain that you won't accept it, or do you remove your presence from his life because he crossed a boundary?🤷

Men understand human decency; from sex to common social courtesy. You cannot make everyone respect you. You only tolerate the ones that respect you the way you want to be respected. Period.

pickadaisy · 2021-05-19T19:03:50+00:00

It’s all libfem brainwashing to be told you need to communicate bare minimum respect expectations. If it’s not something YOU would need explained, or most of your friends, why does a big strong smart ruler-of-all-things man need you to communicate it?

Also trust your gut - if you FEEL that he should better, you’re right.

All of us will tell you the many times we communicated until our hearts broke, and still men claimed they didn’t know better.

sunshinetyger · 2021-05-20T02:08:24+00:00

Frida Kahlo told her husband, "I'm not asking you to kiss me, nor apologize to me when I think you're wrong. I won't even ask you to hug me when I need it most. I don't ask you to tell me how beautiful I am, even if it's a lie, nor write me anything beautiful. I won't even ask you to call me to tell me how your day went, nor tell me you miss me. I won't ask you to thank me for everything I do for you, nor to care about me when my soul is down, and of course, I won't ask you to support me in my decisions. I won't even ask you to listen to me when I have a thousand stories to tell you. I won't ask you to do anything, not even be by my side forever. Because if I have to ask you, I don't want it anymore.”

witchingsauce · 2021-05-19T22:33:06+00:00

Communicating boundaries only works for things that are not obvious. Example: I’m allergic to your cologne. Please don’t wear it when around me. Not being a ghosting piece of shit is so obvious you don’t need to communicate anything. If someone ghosts you they don’t care.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-05-19T16:45:14+00:00

I would ban someone that I was dating if he didn't contact for a day and a half. Adios!

throwitawayuserna213 · 2021-05-19T20:55:47+00:00

For me, I divide it into two categories:

1) My personal boundaries. These are things that are separate from socially known boundaries and are unusual / likely to be unknown before I verbalize them. These I state clearly one time and allow one warning if crossed. When first explaining my boundary, I ensure I have their attention, I state the boundary clearly, I back it up with brief (vague) reasoning so it can sink in, allow (again, brief) questions, and ensure they understand and verbally respond. The first time they break it, I remind them very clearly of what my boundary is. The second time they break it, they're done. B+D, no further explanation unless a breakup needs to follow.

2) Socially accepted boundaries. I don't need to say anything. Someone properly raised knows these. They break it once, I'm gone. B+D, no need to say anything.

This seems reasonable to me.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-05-19T16:50:13+00:00

I like to give men room to show me who they are. Do they understand respect? Boundaries?

If he thinks it's ok to ghost for a few days and return, you don't need to waste your breath telling him you don't like it. He chose that on his own. Just like how you shouldn't need to tell a man to do something special for your birthday. If he has to be told, that's your answer.

nightmarecake · 2021-05-19T20:34:32+00:00

My question to you guys is- What about if it’s something so obvious that it makes you feel stupid for even having to say it?Like, for example; “please don’t ghost me for over a day, and then wait for me to text you It makes me feel unvalued and insecure about myself If it continues to happen I won’t reach out anymore”

AHHH YES!!!!

its SO HARD to explain things like this to men, because

I think ive figure it out tho! I check if a guy shows appreciation and care for explanations.

99% of men have zero appreciation for how kind you are being, to explain this stuff. no thankfulness for the mental effort you put in to doing this. lemme guess, in the past a few times you spent over an hour tryna figure out the best phrasing for an explanation like that?

I always try to do an explanation ONE time for each man. They get ONE. If the man is a 1% rarity who is like "ohhh.. ok thank u for telling me. I really appreciate that. wow im a dumbass I shoulda known that on my own lol" and he acts to make changes, then I know its OK to give him additional explanations.

For the other 99% they are ghosted immediately after. I used to hate ghosting but now I understand why its a morally right thing to do.9

fiery_woman · 2021-05-20T13:16:55+00:00

I’ve been wrestling to articulate my frustrations with this topic. Super thankful for all your comments. Saving to come back and reflect.

nanofarm · 2021-05-20T23:18:57+00:00

This feels like a situation where the boundary is with yourself and has nothing to do with the other person. There are different kinds of boundaries for example: 1. Personal boundaries: ending a conversation when it crosses a line. This one is a good one to verbally express ONCE and then back up with action and no further explanation. “I’m not ok discussing this and if you try in the future I am going to have to hang up the phone/walk away/take a break from talking to you for xx amt of time 2. Psychological boundaries: you are not responsible for other people feelings or behavior. This means not trying to give the cold shoulder to punish someone and also not interpreting the cold shoulder as a punishment. You can’t “nice” someone into behaving and their bad behavior is not a reflection of your worth. 3. Physical boundaries: don’t touch me/I’m not a hugger

And in this case: 4: what we usually would call standards or preferences. You want/prefer a guy who communicates more consistently. The only boundary is with yourself ie it’s up to you to not date bad texters if you decided that it’s important to you. You need to have integrity with yourself and keep the promise to yourself to not change what you want. People are who they are for the most part so “communication” of playing hard to get or ultimatums etc won’t really do much. He might have his own preference to not have to text all the time.

Now, it is true that people aren’t mind readers and expressing your preferences is a great way to reveal someone value to you but remember that it’s a preference only and express it as such- you are giving him the gift of knowledge on how to please you. You don’t want to have to convince someone to please you. So, if he is otherwise slacking then let it go, why bother? But, if he is very clearly trying to make you happy in all the other ways then just tell him you enjoy touching bases throughout the day. Say it like it’s the simplest most common thing and he must have just overlooked it. Make it easy for him to ignore. See what he does. Walk away if he doesn’t take you seriously. Run away fast if he argues with you. A HVM who has a legit reason for not texting will not want you to wonder about his intentions. He will here you and try to text more and also let you know when and why he might be out of touch.

Marigold-ink · 2021-05-21T14:18:27+00:00

Women are not rehabilitation centres. It’s not our job to teach them how to socialize properly. You don’t date projects and potential. If they want to level up, THEY can go read self-help books on how to behave in a relationship (whether platonic or romantic) and go to therapy for issues.

If I have to teach a boyfriend how to properly behave in a relationship, I’m already turned off. I’m NOT your mother. It’s not my job to teach you to reciprocate affection, call people back, be interested in what’s going on in my life, take initiative to schedule dates, plan ahead for events and don’t dump that chore on me, don’t expect me to be your health and calendar secretary.

Title	“Set boundaries, find peace”
Author	TumbleweedForeign699
Upvotes	90
Comments	21
Date	May 19, 2021 11:39 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ng3h4s/set_boundaries_find_peace/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/set-boundaries-find-peace.754302 https://theredarchive.com/post/754302

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