Hello queens, this is a topic that sadly has become dominating in my life for the past months. I am not sure what I am looking for with this post, but I need to talk to you.

I (19) went to university while maintaining a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half.

One night, I got terribly drunk at a college party (it was my first time ever properly party drinking). I didn’t know how much I could handle, and so I blacked out. The next morning I found myself in bed with a guy friend who, under the pretext of taking care of me, had carried me there after I had passed out. He took advantage of me being unconscious and raped me.

Needless to say, I felt terrible and told my boyfriend everything. I felt shame, disgust and guilt. I apologised to him for putting myself in that situation, because at that point I just could not get myself to call it what it was: rape.

He referred to the whole incident as “the assault version of the story”, as he said he was not clear on whether I am telling the truth. He told me he did not feel attracted to me anymore. He demanded that I report the guy, or otherwise he will believe it was cheating. After I agreed to do it, he did not ask me about how I was feeling once. I broke it off after realising that in his eyes, me or the relationship had no value anymore and that I wouldn’t be able to change that in any way.

Fast forward, he messaged me on a platform I forgot to block him on. He was hurt by a post I made which in his eyes suggested I had moved on after “only” two months (not true). We exchanged some words, he told me how proud he was of me for reporting my assailant and that I was a strong and resilient person in his eyes. He signed the text in a way that suggested he still felt attached to me.

I have been absolutely disoriented for the past couple of days. I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that he could reject me at such a terrifying moment in my life where I needed him the most, with the tone of his texts and our earlier relationship. I had never ever doubted his love for me before.

Do you have similar experiences which you are comfortable sharing? Please help me survive this :(