RPW with mental health issues. TL;DR: I'm batshit crazy and it's ruining my relationship. Has anyone successfully managed their mental health problems to have a happy red pill relationship?

Bakerofpie · 2015-01-04T17:11:45+00:00

Shit, I'm crazy too, but how long have you actively been putting forth effort to fix this? When I noticed my bipolar causing issues in my relationship I contact my doctor to let them know what's going on immediately, and I turn myself over to my husband. I tell him I can't think rationally and I need him to be my brain for a moment. Follow orders without being a bitch about it, and hopefully after some intense self reflection and perhaps a medication change and exercise you will be clear headed enough to thank him for helping you get through the episode.

My mental illness affects every facet of my life, but it's possible to minimize the effects on a marriage. FIND A NEW THERAPIST ASAP. You can have a mental illness and still be a good wife, but it is most definitely marriage on hard mode. You will have to work HARD, make no excuses for yourself, take responsibility for your own behavior and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get yourself under control. This hits close to home for me because I couldn't even imagine putting the man I love through a life of dealing with me unmedicated and not actively working every day at keeping my shit together. Don't ever tell yourself it's not possible.

Iva3442 · 2015-01-04T16:42:47+00:00

Your therapist seems to be telling you "get your man to do more" when you're very obviously telling us that the guy has no reserves left. Tell me a bit about your therapist's approach to therapy, is she CBT, does she work with borderline patients a lot?

Unfortunately I seem to have burnt him out. Now when I cry there is no more warmth. I feel completely alone

This is a very telling part of your post and I invite you to analyze it. You cry, and the fact that there is no more warmth is distressing to you. You shouldn't be distressed by this. When you cry, you need to cry for yourself and yourself alone. It's a physical manifestation of psychological distress, and it's something that should be done to relieve your psychological distress, not to elicit a reaction from another person. That's your borderline thinking at work. If you need warmth from him, you have to communicate, openly to him, that you need warmth from him. You have to be humble enough to ask. And it's going to be hard for you, like really hard. Keep this mentality in mind, keep yourself in check, it's going to be second nature to you to make emotional displays to try to get reactions out of him. Make yourself break this habit. If you need something from him, ask him for it. Your tears are about your emotions, not his reactions. This won't be easy for you. Don't get discouraged and keep trying to improve.

Get to your local library and study bipolar disorder relentlessly. Study psychology relentlessly in general. The more you understand your problems, the better equipped you'll be to handle them.

Yes it's possible for you to be a good wife, but you got dealt a shit hand in life, and you're playing this game on hard mode. Recognize that and work with it, and don't give up on it.

redpill_ta · 2015-01-04T14:33:07+00:00

Guy chiming in.

So I've been in a relationship with a severely depressed girl. She cried every day. I tried to help her, got her a therapist, managed her panic attacks, her meds, her doctors etc. But, yes, in the end it burnt me out (we were together almost a year, but we split when she was commited.). But you know why? Because she was not trying. She was not trying to get better, she was not trying to control her emotions.

I've also had therapy and as other have said, find a new therapist. I hear you usually need to try three or more before you find someone (I found my right match on the 2nd try). They (if they are any good) know this, so don't worry about it.

But the most important thing for you to remember is: you're in control.

You say you feel like you're batshit insane. Fine. But you don't have to be. Yes, I know it's hard. It may even be impossible to be completely "not insane" (due to underlying physiological problems) but you can do much better. It'll just take time and a lot of hardwork fighting your inner impulses.

May I suggest reading a bit about how the brain works and why we act the way we act. Only than can you change the way you act (this has helped me immensely).

For starters you can browse this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_bias http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

But I suggest reading a few lay books on the topic, like this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

ModernClassicLady · 2015-01-04T19:25:19+00:00

I'm still new to RPW, but as a FORMER BPD, I had to chime in, and that's right, I said FORMER. In fact, the vast majority of women diagnosed with BPD go on to live normal, happy lives after defeating their negative patterns of thought. That is one of the great things about borderline - it is not for life, it is not hormonal, it is not caused by biological misfirings in your body - it is simply negative patterns of thought that can be changed.

That being said, NO you will not be able to have a happy relationship until your BPD is under control. You will be unknowingly and unintentionally hurting the people around you until you realize what you are doing.

Go to a therapist that specializes in BPD. Learn about dialectical behavioral therapy, if you can. Practice mindfulness activities, like yoga. At the end of the day, try to view your day as if you were an outsider - imagine what your actions would look like to a random person watching you on a TV screen.

Once upon a time, your BPD helped you - that is why you developed it - it helped you through a bad situation. However, now it's hurting you because life as a whole is not that bad situation, so you can't react to it in the same way.

I noticed that you only noticed how tired out your husband was when he stopped caring for you. that is a selfish thing to think. You need to care for him too. As a start, appreciate him daily. Make yourself do something for him if you have to - cook his favorite food for dinner, give him a foot or back massage, come home from the grocery store with a snack for him as a surprise, etc... Additionally, tell him on a regular basis that you are thankful for his help with your problems and that you think he is helping you get better.

I don't know if you can save this relationship. Maybe you can or maybe it's already too late, but you CAN change. You are not doomed to a life of BPD if you make the conscious choice to get better.

persistencepays · 2015-01-04T16:57:53+00:00

"Is it ever possible for me to be a good wife?"

Yes! I believe your posting here is proof of that!

I'm not qualified to comment on mental health issues, but based on your wanting to be better, here are some ideas for you; I realize they may or may not be relevant or possible given your mental situation.

Every time you say something negative to yourself in your head, interrupt it and say to yourself something positive, like "I am becoming a great wife!" or "I am so thankful for my husband!" Being thankful has a positive impact on mood.

When you tell a typical man, in detail, about a problem (like your feeling depressed) that he can't fix, he experiences tension and anxiety. They you feel worse because he's not being sympathetic.

Go out & do something social with a female friend. Outpour your emotions to her (and provide her with a friendly ear to her problems too). Then you won't need to pour out on your husband.

Are you busy enough? Do you have skills you want to develop? Focus and engagement are powerful tools for improving mood. Try a complicated recipe you've never tried.

One time per day, tell your husband "I love you" with a hug, kiss or affectionate touch (can be as small as squeezing his hand for a second). Don't do it for his reaction, just focus on giving love energy with no expectation of anything back.

orangekayla · 2015-01-04T19:26:17+00:00

RPW has helped a lot with my mental issues. I have anger management issues that stem from anxiety. It used to be that when I did not feel in control I would get anxious, and lash out as a result. Letting my husband be in control has granted me some freedom from my anxiety. I know he is in control, and things will be righted in the end.

When I do get anxious and start getting into a tizzy, my DH knows that I'm feeling like I have no control over events and will give me a task. Laundry? I can do that. Baking? That's doable. Knowing that he knows how to help me with my anxiety keeps me more at ease too, because he knows how to help me manage, and he makes me feel like he has control over the uncontrollable, if that makes sense. It gives me time to calm down and be productive. Do you guys have any techniques you use when your symptoms pop up?

This is my opinion, but I don't think that your therapist is doing any good for you at all if you're feeling this way about her. You need to see somebody who is like minded. You CAN be a strong woman without asking the world of your DH. A strong woman will take all of our advice to heart and overcome, for herself and for her husband. I do think you can become a good wife again, you're on the right track. The first step in solving a problem is recognizing it. Be warm and gentle. Show him that you appreciate his support in these trying times, he will need that right now. This last piece is so important too, with out it, he will continue to be burnt out. Show him you love him.

wendy-fly · 2015-01-05T01:13:56+00:00

Ooosh, BPD is a rough one. It's rough on your husband and rough on you and I admire you both have gotten through 11 years of that madness. In my opinion, RP type relationships are actually wonderful for mental health issues in women IF AND ONLY IF you have an extremely good captain. Someone else said this and it's true, you both are playing this on hard mode. With BPD diet and exercise isn't going to cut it, this isn't just depression or PMS. This is a personality disorder which means that every level of you is screwed up. It's called "borderline" because it is borderline bipolar, borderline narcissistic personality disorder, borderline antisocial personality disorder, borderline anxiety disorder, borderline nearly every other mental health issue. It destroys lives and marriages and is incredibly hard to treat and frankly, most therapists won't touch it with a 10 foot pole because of the push/pull/ 'I hate you, I love you', 'I'm going to kill myself if you don't call me back in 10 minutes', 'You are the worst therapist ever and I'm calling your boss to say you sexually harassed me unless you get in me to see you tomorrow' bullshit. Now, of course, BPD exists on a spectrum and a person can be mild to severe and I hope you are mild for your own sake. BPD people resent authority and take shit tests to a new level.

You owe this to your husband to do everything you can to be a good wife.

First, if you haven't, get educated on BPD. I mean, really really educated, like PhD level. What is it? Why? How did it happen? Then get even more educated on YOUR BPD. You need to be doing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is the most evidence based therapy for BPD. You need to revisit medication for the borderline depression, mania, and anxiety. I'm not convinced your therapist is bad but if she isn't doing DBT with you and isn't an expert and specialist in BPD, you need someone else. You need an expert. People with BPD can play most people like violins and you need someone smarter and more savvy than you are. In most countries there are intensive programs for people with BPD that meet 3-5 days per week, 3-8 hours per day. It is a crash course in relearning how to think, act, and feel. It is called Intensive Outpatient or Partial Hospitalization (partial because you are at the hospital all day but go home at night). Find these programs and make it happen for your husband and for you.

You also need to take a no-tolerance policy with yourself. There is zero excuse for saying the things you've said to your man, no mental health reason, nothing. When in doubt, STFU. Get yourself the Surrendered Wife book, read it, do it. You need to apologize to your husband and live the apology. It sounds like you don't deserve his warmth and affection and you are like a child, completely out of control. Step up and be an adult.

If your husband is a good captain and once you know your BPD inside and out, you need to do what Bakerofpie said, which is at the FIRST sign of relapse, you give yourself over to the care of your husband. "Husband, I'm relapsing and I need you to tell me what to do," and then do what he says. Also, if he says, "Evilalter-ego, you are relapsing, you need to do X, Y, Z," you need to do it regardless of if you agree with him or not. You have to let him be the steel core to your mental health. Stepping into a first mate role will be the best thing you've ever done and bring you peace and stability. You won't need to be controlling everything, deciding if you should be close, deciding if you are happy or unhappy and what you should do about it. You can calm the storm in your heart. You can stop feeling so empty and feel fulfilled but it's going to take a serious amount of work and a really good captain.

Good luck!

evilalter-ego · 2015-01-04T15:53:14+00:00

I have struggled with some things in the past, depression, etc, and it took a lot of work to break through. I have a few resources that might help: You Can Be Happy No Matter What by Dr. Richard Carlson is the book that started my transformation a few years ago. I've also heard Feeling Good by Dr. David D. Burns is quite good. I have a copy but never needed to open it.

I never went to therapy, this has worked for me. I'll have the occasional down every couple months or so, but I get myself back on track very quickly. Just be aware it's a long process, it's painful, and not an easy road. Speaking of roads, The Road Less Traveled by Dr. Scott Peck is another fantastic book I highly recommend.

Unfortunately I seem to have burnt him out.

This happens when one partner asks more and more of the other, but is unable to reciprocate due to being continually stuck in the "low" state. You have to cut this cycle RIGHT NOW. How? Sit down with your husband and tell him you appreciate him being there for you all this time, and that you understand it wasn't easy for him to be in that position

This is often literally painful to do, as it requires you GIVING and going against your current instincts. Do it anyway... the end goal is to reprogram your destructive instincts/habits and break free of them. Then tell him you have made the decision to no longer put that pressure on the relationship, and that you are taking the steps necessary to fix this INTERNALLY. It's crucial that you understand and accept that your transformation must happen internally, not externally. Nobody can help you but you.

when I cry there is no more warmth. I feel completely alone

Stay there, get used to that feeling, and desensitize yourself to it. Do not despair and try to change it. It's like being stuck in quicksand. The more you struggle, the more deeply you sink. You have to accept your current situation and state of mind, accept that your SO has done everything he can to help, but now it is YOUR turn to take action.

be better about asking for what I need, getting him to do more, etc. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping and is pushing him away more.

Yeah, stop that. Your therapist seems to think the reason for your unhappiness is external. It's not. You often hear people talk about how you must first be happy with yourself - it's not bullshit. It's 100% true, and it's simple. But it's not necessarily easy to achieve.

is it ever possible for me to be a good wife?

Yes.

Are there any red pill women who have overcome severe mental health issues?

I'm a man, but I believe both sexes suffer from these issues, and the steps to correct them are the same. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows? I'm not a fucking therapist lol. Good luck.

Bea_Noemi · 2015-01-04T18:29:45+00:00

BPD is unfortunately one of those things that gets mentioned a lot in RP when there is any sign of a woman seeming unbalanced. True BPD is a struggle and I empathize with you. The women they talk about on RP (usually) are immature women with bad habits. A mental illness cannot be diagnosed on a Reddit Forum. Okay, now that my rant is over:

Keep to your treatment. Having a fulfilling relationship is possible. From what I've read, medication isn't super useful although it's used to tame the behaviors of BPD. Your spouse sounds like he is understanding of your illness and as long as you stay aware, it will be better. It's hard to stay away when you're feeling lousy because your rational mind has been taken over.

It's possible to get a hold of this, you just have to work unbelievably hard, every single moment. That is the card that you were dealt. If you're willing to work harder on this than anything else you have ever done, you can make this work.

gabilromariz · 2015-01-04T12:37:00+00:00

If you are unhappy with your therapist, look into getting a new one that understands what you want to acomplish and help you get there.

I believe you can control your emotions or at least severely improve your state with the right tools and help. So look into taking the best possible care of yourself, with adequate diet, exercise and a therapist that is working WITH you, not against.

It seems like whenever you're having a bad time, you rely solely on your man for support and he's a bit burned out of that. Consider finding other sources of support for when you feel bad like a girlfriend you can call on for rants or your mother. If that's not happening, try venting your feelings at 7cupsoftea.com until you get a better grip of yourself.

Lastly make sure your man knows how much you appreciate his help and support, even through your worse times. Whenever you're feeling better, do something that shows how much you appreciate him :)

leftajar · 2015-01-04T17:06:24+00:00

My therapist is quite a feminist (or at least a believer in strong women) and lately she's been encouraging me to be better about asking for what I need, getting him to do more, etc. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be helping and is pushing him away more.

Yikes, that can't be helping. You're like a credit card owner who just keeps borrowing more and more. For a long time, you've been making withdrawals from your husband, without making many deposits. And your therapist is saying, the solution is to withdraw even more? No surprise it didn't work.

BPD is tough. Of all the disorders, the personality disorders are the toughest to cure. Really, there is no cure -- just management.

My best suggestion would be take it upon yourself to begin a program of exercise and meditation. Like, take a 30-minute walk every morning, and meditate for 10 minutes. That won't "fix" anything, but it may give some regularity to your emotional state. Also, it'll feel really good.

KyfhoMyoba · 2015-01-08T15:05:06+00:00

Get a new therapist. The one you have will destroy what little relationship you have left.

cccch_ · 2015-06-27T11:05:26+00:00

DBT therapy and mindfulness meditation worked wonders for me. Also keeping an emotion/self reflection journal :) if you know how you work you can start to take control and make conscious choices on how to correct the negative automatic behavior/reactions.

evilalter-ego · 2015-01-04T16:30:44+00:00

I have a question: Are you currently medicated or have you considered medication?

Also, if you feel your therapist is not helpful, there's nothing wrong with changing to someone who better meets your needs. It's important to have a good relationship with your therapist and know that they'll give advice that fits what you need, not what they want (such as trying to force your SO to do more, even though it sounds like he's done plenty).

Also, I think it's safe to say after so long, anyone would burn out dealing with such heavy issues. If my anxiety was extremely crippling, I couldn't expect my SO to shoulder that burden forever with smiles and warmth. It gets hard for anyone. Shrinks even have trouble dealing with all of their clients' problems and talk to other shrinks because of it. If he's taking care of you, it's likely he has no time for himself, so of course he would burn out. The only person who can fix your problems is you, and your SO is probably getting stressed out because he's trying to fix them for you.

Second question(s): Have you always had issues with BPD? Do you know what the root of the problem is or where it began?

As the others have said, there are also methods that don't involve actual medication. I'd advise looking into treatments and seeing if you can ask a psychiatrist for advice on what might work.

lostatsea93 · 2015-01-05T17:47:01+00:00

Maybe I missed it, but I did not read you mentioning considering medication anywhere in this post. I am not a doctor, nor am I saying you need to take medication....but it may not be a bad thing to consider.

I also struggle with mild/severe depression, depending on the circumstances. I have gotten really good over the years at managing it with yoga, sleep, diet, no alcohol etc. I have really prided myself on knowing my triggers, taking my me time when I need it to keep it under control.

This past year I endured quite a few "blows" to life, so to speak. I moved across the country, started a new commission only job in a new market, which happens to be one of the most competitive ones in the country, took on an (almost) insurmountable amount of debt that I am paying down aggressively...and just everything else that comes from starting over from square 1. I had a lot of tearful days and fearful days. It was really starting to effect my relationship. Even though I could put a happy face on, I would go home and cry it out. or just have an overall hard time getting out of bed every day

Its not fair to your SO, but its also not fair to you. You enjoy to see all the colors and beautiful things around you. You deserve to enjoy life the way it is supposed to. Inner peace and happiness cannot be manufactured, faked or "sucked up". Mental illness is serious and can not only ruin your relationship, but your life.

If you are open to medication, I would recommend it. I started taking the lowest dose anti depressant again, and it has REALLY helped me manage my emotions.

TempestTcup · 2015-01-04T15:04:35+00:00

Not one particle of RP on this thread

Your mental issues make you selfish, self absorbed, self obsessed and force everyone around you to dance to your tune and walk on eggshells. This is the opposite of giving, yielding, demure, serving femininity.

Instead of therapy, try taking yourself in hand and being grateful to the poor man that puts up with you. Read the surrendered wife, slap some duct tape over your mouth and turn yourself over to your husband

I don't usually recommend anything like domestic discipline because it's so corny, but I think something like www.takeninhand.com might benefit you

evilalter-ego · 2015-01-04T21:02:09+00:00

Arm chair diagnosis here: you are unrelentingly selfish. I understand your post is short and has only a little information, but as that's all I've got to go on, here goes.

Your first point, in the title, and in your post, is that YOU have a mental health problem. It is also conveniently leading with an excuse for your role.

The entire post is about you. The only thing you say about your SO is that you are now having trouble manipulating him and how that's affecting YOU.

You're lying to yourself and you're lying in this post. You try to take the socially acceptable position in the last paragraph and ask how you can be a "good wife." But no where else in the post do you indicate you care about giving or acting correctly towards your SO. Instead, it's all about how you no longer feel his warmth, you feel alone, and how you believe he views you. Your SO doesn't exist except as a reference point to what you feel isn't correct in your life. It doesn't seem you care about having a good marriage or about being a good wife. You want to know how to get what you want.

Pizza-n-Lice · 2015-01-04T10:12:30+00:00

Psychological issues are often hormonal, have you had yours checked? How is your diet? It matters a lot more than you think - for example, in the minnesota starvation experiment, the people began acting crazy(like cutting off fingers) and unstable on too few calories. Pay attention to what you did the day before, or on the day that you feel better. There is reasearch showing that foods that irittate the intestine affect peoples behaviour. So you might try to opt for things that are easy for your body to digest, don't give you gas etc... balanced meals of protein, fats and carbs, to keep your blood sugar stable throughout the day, not going too long in between eating etc.

Don't take your psychological issues as something you have to be stuck with forever! You can get better even if you have dealt with it for so long. Maybe take up some relaxing activity, like yoga? Not as exercise where you push yourself, but to really feel any problem in your body, many people get an emotional relase from different poses, practice breathing exercises; these are really important and can make a huge difference.

NSACOP · 2015-01-04T23:34:36+00:00

I have PTSD from trauma, and I would also go through many depressed episodes, in the past. My therapist was also very feminist and blue pill, I suggest first of all, trying different therapies for different situations/feelings/needs. One for your personal issues, one for your relationship, and one to learn how to deal with these situations in a more mature way.

Regretfully I have gotten to the point where I was almost physical with my partner in the past some two times. I have to say, first you have to learn to distance yourself, come up with what to tell him even if it's just "I need to vent this is nothing involving you" or "we both need to fix xyz" because it's best to spread the problem and work together to fix a problem than to blame him or yourself entirely. First find out what you have to do, calm down then talk to your partner and work for an outcome.

Along with that discipline yourself, lose weight, and do more feminine things. Take 2-4 days out of the month to self pamper and give him alone time too, do your nails and let him go to bars with friends. A good amount of distance will help you distinguish your problems from his, and also cherish a little more the time you have together.

I also recommend learning to bite your tongue. Some things are worth fighting for, not everything that goes wrong is.

SmallOrange · 2015-01-04T23:47:20+00:00

I had very severe depression and panic disorder (that developed into agoraphobia) and it was getting in the way of my life in the worst way manageable. The only thing that I found that worked was to change my lifestyle, most importantly, what I was eating.

I started eating whole foods, a lot less carbohydrate, absolutely nothing processed and nothing with sugar. The key was to eat more healthy fats and adequate protein. I can still remember the first time I was able to leave my house without medication and I cried tears of joy... I had suffered from mental illness since I was a child, and now have been anxiety and depression free for 2 years.

I would highly recommend looking into lifestyle factors. Food is something that I have researched extensively as it really saved my life. I have seen cases of people with both mental and physical disorders who have gone into remission or who have seen a dramatic improvement in overall health and well being just from managing diet alone.

How is your every day stress? How is your sleep? How is your physical activity? What are the things in your own life (outside of your relationship) that you can manage and control? Start there and see where it goes.

When the worst part of your disorder is triggered, is there any way that you can draw your own attention to it and modify or curtail the behaviour and is there anything specific that sets it off?

TempestTcup · 2015-01-12T14:18:59+00:00

Get your diet and gut flora in order.

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