Advice

WartimeDad · 2021-04-04T16:43:05+00:00

Being controlled is the worst. I’m really sorry. She’s emasculated you to this point here. Make this your lowest point. From here rise up and regain control.

Start by spending an hour exercising to the point of true physical exhaustion. Make the muscles ache. Push all of that depression and pain into literal pushing and pulling of heavy weights.

Don’t worry about her family. Don’t worry about her. Don’t think about what she will do to you. Think only about yourself and what makes you happy in this world. Do you like sci-fi? Do you like music? What do you like? You might be in a place where nothing sounds good and you like nothing. But if you have even a colorless tiny thing you can recall liking, try to bring some color back to that thing.

You love your kids? Spend time with them. Focus carefully on them. Enjoy that moment.

You’ll need an attorney. That’ll be a next step. But don’t worry about that right now. Get through this moment.

You can do this. She’s got you all twisted up into thinking things that are literally not true. Re-own your mind. It’s your life.

Here for you man. Stay strong. You’re not alone.

fatherofamazinggirls · 2021-04-04T16:26:20+00:00

It may seem hopeless, but it's not. Your kids need you.

If you divorced you would get half of everything man. Doesn't matter how good they are as attorneys, the law is the law.

trickymw · 2021-04-04T16:41:16+00:00

Cmon man, I’m feeling really down in the dumps right now also, and have been emasculated by an extremely controlling, and mentally unstable wife for 10 years.

Think of your kids, of family and friends. It always gets better. Shit I get it, and I know that light is hard to see, and it doesn’t feel like it, but if it’s terrible now, it can only go up.

All the best my friend.

hotlinehelpbot · 2021-04-04T15:51:46+00:00

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please reach out. You can find help at a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

USA: 18002738255 US Crisis textline: 741741 text HOME

United Kingdom: 116 123

Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860)

Others: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

IndifferentSkeptic · 2021-04-04T17:56:51+00:00

I got real close to killing myself, too. I was almost homeless, bankrupt, couldn't see my son, and my reputation with family and friends was destroyed due to lies and false accusations.

Four years later I am so glad I didn't pull that trigger. Life actually got better. Sure, my car is still a beater, and I'm still renting an apartment instead of owning a home - but I'm making progress. My kid knows I'm alive and working hard, too.

macscheid · 2021-04-04T20:22:50+00:00

8 months into separation. Don't let her win.
Take half her business and drag her into a legal battle. Give her the hell ur giving yourself.
Stay strong. I was there, and with a new lady you forget a lot of bullshit. You matter and the world needs you.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-04-04T23:55:15+00:00

> My kids will be better off with me dead

No, they won't. Consider what happens to children without a father:

85% of youth who are currently in prison grew up in a fatherless home.
Children from fatherless homes are twice as likely to drop out from school before graduating than children who have a father in their lives.
7 out of every 10 youth that are housed in state-operated correctional facilities, including detention and residential treatment, come from a fatherless home.
Living in a fatherless home is a contributing factor to substance abuse, with children from such homes accounting for 75% of adolescent patients being treated in substance abuse centers.

More at https://lifeisbeautiful.org/statistics-on-fatherless-homes/

Half of the marital assets are yours, regardless whose name is on the account or deed.

Mavik52 · 2021-04-05T00:25:32+00:00

The only control she has is what you allow. You have taught her to treat you a certain way by not defining boundaries and enforcing them. Many men end up feeling this way. And since you have children you don't get the luxury of rolling over and giving up. The absolute worst thing you can do is convince yourself that you are not enough for your children. Sounds like you are close to rock bottom, but you haven't stated any real issues that many men have experienced that are worthy of rock bottom, ie.. False DV charges, infidelity, etc.. So you are ahead of the game, time to pick yourself up and get to work. Perhaps you need to take a look at the married red pill sub. I am reluctant to recommend it because much of the content promotes behavior that is a bit manipulative and childish. But the ground level start for where you are is sound advice. Forget about her, focus on yourself. Lift heavy weights, get your diet straight, invest your time in hobbies, and a support group of men. Do not DEER. After a few months of getting these things straight you will have a much easier time setting and enforcing boundaries. And if you still aren't in the relationship you want to be in at that point its fine, you were doing all of this for yourself anyway.

EnglishmaninNJ · 2021-04-04T19:45:03+00:00

Don't do it, seek help. I experienced suicidal ideation, hopelessness, my STBXW drive me into the ground. I had no freedom, finances, no car, no phone, dead bedroom, you name it. After she'd bled me dry, she told me she wanted a divorce.

I Ieft, took a few months to get my head straight, and now I'm a kick ass dad and spend more time with her family than she does. It's never hopeless, while you're alive, things can still change.

patently_pleasant · 2021-04-05T03:27:53+00:00

First off, and most importantly, YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! It brings me great pain to read this and I know it will get better. Your kids need their father right now. Please seek help and be there for yourself and for them.

Second, no judge would throw you on the street while your wife gets everything, especially if you’ve been together for many years. You will walk away from this as whole as possible. I hope you talk to someone about how to get on track emotionally and physically to be independent.

Finally, there are TONS of pro bono organizations that would be willing to help you. Direct message me if you want me to help you find something near you. Best of luck to you! It gets better, I promise.

passingby1time · 2021-04-04T17:47:04+00:00

Life goes on for everyone but your kids will never be ok without you. It looks like you hit rock bottom so there is only one way now. Reach out to whoever you have left. Family or friends. You need them more than anything right now. Get a lawyer ASAP and let the lawyer fight for your rights. She could take everything but she will never take your mind. Her control stops at you. Don't give her the control of your actions. Nothing that she said can hurt anymore. See if you can record all the interaction. Stay strong. You have reason to be alive and there people that wants you alive

rsmiley77 · 2021-04-05T00:14:37+00:00

I hurt so badly for you guys who have contemplated suicidal. As someone who has lost loved ones to suicide I’d just like to remind you that you may not know it... but you are loved and appreciated. You may not it but you are. Stay strong brothers.

Pokey_McGee · 2021-04-05T16:00:37+00:00

First, by killing yourself you are only passing on the pain you feel to everyone else. Please don't. I know it may seem hopeless and fruitless but those feelings come and go. There can and will be joy again in your life. Your children will absolutely NOT be better off without you. They will need you more after the divorce.

Second, I don't know what state you are in but in a marriage/divorce both parties are entitled to a portion of the assets. She can say what she wants, but unless you have extremely unusual circumstances it doesn't matter what she says.

Third, if you don't have any money at all, there are programs that can provide representation for free/reduced cost/the spouse with all the assets pays for it. I am paying for both my and my ex's lawyer as part of the divorce.

My man, you asked for advice, everything I said above is factual. My advice is that you start taking charge of your life in small ways. Decide to not be a passenger in your own life and start making the moves to get into the drivers seat. Nothing drastic right now since you've set a precedent but instead do it in small ways.

You can do this. 50 is nothing. Don't be intimidated by her family or anything she says. If it's as bad as you describe, none of them are on Team You. They are only going to say or threaten things that work to their advantage. Be an active participant in your own life. You weren't designed for this. You got this.

macscheid · 2021-04-04T20:23:48+00:00

If ur wife owns a business she has to give u half the equity of it.

cant-take-much-more · 2021-04-04T21:46:28+00:00

Take a deep breath my friend, you are in a way better place financially than you think. She is using intimidation hoping that you will just lie down and roll over. Start by finding a good attorney who will be willing to fight for you, they are out there! Just hearing what an attorney has to say in the initial consultation will make you feel a lot better! Stay strong!

HelixFish · 2021-04-04T23:14:34+00:00

50% of all that is yours my friend. No need to despair. Doesn’t matter who’s name is on anything. Unless you had an aggressive prenup you’ll be fine. Taking that first step is the hardest. Go talk to some attorneys.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-04-05T18:24:04+00:00

Man, I hear you. My wife utterly broke me and ground me under foot. The divorce took me to some dark places I had no idea existed. That said, with a lot of support from therapists and advisors, I have gotten along, and things are much brighter right now.

I hear you about the lawyer thing, my wife has a few in the family. I'm not a lawyer this is not legal advice. As I understand it In my state, assets acquired during the marriage get divided. Doesn't matter if that car is in my name, if I got it during the marriage, it's both of ours. The car I bought in my name before the marriage is mine. Same goes for bank accounts and house, etc. House bought before the marriage in her name, you get half the equity built up over the marriage.

TL;DR this is far from hopeless. I encourage you to get a therapist TODAY, call right now! Doesn't matter if it's the perfect one, just get in to see someone and get some hope. You only need a little. Your kids need you, nobody will look out for them like you will.

MTCicero8 · 2021-04-04T23:17:21+00:00

if you have no assets then you have nothing to loose and in a divorce would probably stand to gain financially.

Go get some medical mental help. If you are having dark thoughts like that this is the priority. After you have stabilized go get a free consultation with an attorney I think you will find you have more freedom than you think.

Pulling for you.

Zealousideal_Ad5173 · 2021-04-05T01:57:57+00:00

sorry to hear your stories, many of us also going through so please take care of yourself and you are special. Think that way and there are many people who will respect so please be strong. We somehow will get through this. Reddit great place but if required please seek help for mental support.

principledbeast1 · 2021-04-07T15:06:22+00:00

If you work, do you contribute to a 401 or IRA?

Title	Advice
Author	beatendowninmd
Upvotes	14
Comments	26
Date	April 4, 2021 3:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mjysoi/advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/advice.817276 https://theredarchive.com/post/817276

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