Anger turning into bitterness

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2023-12-06T22:29:40+00:00

How long have you been separated? After 18 months I'm starting to feel better. I have had a good time of reinventing myself. Making my life my own.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-12-07T03:48:21+00:00

Don't be afraid to ask for help and confide with people you trust. You might find unlikely resources.

My dad helped me through a lot of it. I didn't see that coming. We had the "you're sixteen so get out of my house" kind of relationship. But he was there during my divorce. He had a way of grounding me, was logical, compassionate, totally different person.

I tried not to lean too heavy on friends. But I confided in a few. I felt like a leech so I did it sparingly. One knew everything. She invited me to Thanksgiving in that first year of separation and left a standing invitation. I took her up on the offer in the first year. My kids went to my in-laws. It made a world of difference.

nothingbutalamp · 2023-12-07T14:42:00+00:00

2 years post separation\divorce I still get fleeting moments of anger\bitterness\resentment but it doesn't last long - I've spent enough energy being mad. Just have to keep moving forward in a positive way.

Forward-Transition-5 · 2023-12-07T14:59:34+00:00

So it’s different for everyone from what I’ve seen. The anger goes away after a while but there’s no set time limit. For some it may only take months and for others it may take years. It took me personally a couple years to get over that but I’m generally an angry person so it might be different for you. Resentment will most likely take longer to go away. I’ve been divorced for almost ten years now and I still get thoughts that bring out the bitterness from time to time but they never stay for very long and I think it’s mostly my personality type that lends me to it more than most. My ex and I have a child together so I still have to deal with her occasionally but the contact is minimal and at worst now I simply get annoyed at her. I did therapy during and after the divorce itself but it was never a long term solution for me. My therapy now is to just make horrible jokes about it from time to time and have a few laughs. You just need to find what works for you and don’t put some concrete time limit on it because no one including you has the answer to how long it will take for you.

organicwilly · 2023-12-08T00:28:38+00:00

You're going to process everything in phases. I recently took a parenting course and it talked about this specifically.

It's called grief. Being angry is natural, and becoming bitter is very easy to do. Be careful because I'm actually right there with you right now.

Anybody can become angry-that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. - Aristotle

Just make sure you're keeping your anger in check and not doing anything nuts. I've let my anger get out of check in the last couple days and it'll bite you. You'll end up giving her ammunition to use against you in court or do something in the heat of the moment that makes the news.

As far as keeping it in check, I'm keeping some physical distance from her and documenting my time away so that it is framed as peacekeeping and not abandoning my home.

infinite-ignorance · 2023-12-08T05:23:28+00:00

Some people say to forgive. That might work. IDK. I’m religious. I don’t believe in forgiveness when it hasn’t been asked for or when there is no remorse and no fault has been admitted. This is a Biblical principle. Another is that you tell somebody exactly how they wronged you.

What I do though is this: again I said that I was religious. I give it to God. In the Bible, God says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay.” I believe that. Others believe in Karma. Most of use believe in natural consequences. Regardless, the point is that you don’t have to hold onto the evil that they did and rehearse it in your mind to make sure that they will get punished for it. Should they be punished? Yes. Will they be punished even if you don’t do it or point the figure at them? Probably.

But regardless of what you believe, here is a pragmatic exercise that works: Write down in specific detail every wrong that was committed against you. Send it to the person that wronged you and keep a record for yourself. And then forget about it. You probably won’t get a response from the person and if you do it will never be satisfactory, but just drop it. Forget about it. God or Karma or life or natural consequences of evil actions are coming for them. And then live your best life. Come back in a couple of years and read it again. You’ll be surprised at how much you had legitimately forgotten. You might even be mad all over again. Fine. Then forget again. It’s not important to your daily life.

techrmd3 · 2023-12-07T00:51:25+00:00

Once you process the shock and numbness you transition into thinking about the divorce more freely AND this brings Anger hot and heavy

Yes it's part of the process. Yes it can lead to some Bitterness.

But overall it's healthy to let your thoughts process how the marriage could end and leave these feelings. Like many men you probably have every right to be Angry about this.

I have found writing about my thoughts concerning my Ex was really helpful for me to process these feelings. Remember to also write what you are grateful and thankful for. Sometimes I only was thankful for my morning coffee :)

But in the end this will turn into more of a feeling of letting go the Anger and the past and given that all women on average have their standard of living go down 30% on average... you can look forward to being 30% ahead and glad to be rid of the ex boat anchor!

good luck

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-12-06T22:31:46+00:00

The gym or bjj

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2023-12-07T14:28:59+00:00

Lift heavy things and put them down

Repeat, until the angry voices in your head go away

TheHypnoMonk · 2023-12-07T07:58:23+00:00

How can it be "ramping up", if you already have closure?

krazykanuck · 2023-12-07T14:59:01+00:00

Anger is an emotion that lets is usually associated with inward feelings of pain. Take a half hour and explore the feeling. Don't succumb to the conclusions your anger is trying to draw, try to understand the roots of it. Pretend you are talking to you as a friend. If you can figure out the pain, it may help you understand the anger and better redirect it to something more beneficial for yourself.

minilabthrow · 2023-12-07T15:34:33+00:00

Take as long as you need. I would say as a strarting point, the 20% rule is a good yardstick. I think for a lot of men, the healing doesn't start until the financial consequences are over with.

Title	Anger turning into bitterness
Author	computergeek89
Upvotes	9
Comments	24
Date	December 6, 2023 10:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18cfr8h/anger_turning_into_bitterness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/anger-turning-into-bitterness.1240222 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240222

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