Car crash conversation - now what?

Equanimous-Fox · 2024-11-29T10:53:59+00:00

Update 2:

We’re about two weeks later. A few days after the original post, she asked me to come over and apologised for her (re)actions.

All good and well, and I didn’t want to hold a grudge so forgave her (I really did) and tried to move on with giving her space.

Then this week on a number of occasions again harsh language, personal attacks, the whole shebang. To the point where I had to interrupt her mid sentence on a call - when she went on an angry turn again to tell me all that’s wrong with me - to say « enough, I don’t accept this ».

I’ve now asked to file. I think everyone here was right.

HalfTheMan611 · 2024-11-17T19:43:23+00:00

Bro, she's clearly done. A committed wife would never put someone they love through that. As heartbreaking and gut wrenching it is, find all of your inner resolve to let go, and file. Be stoic, don't beg, don't lose your cool. I've been there. Quite disgraceful but all too common. I'm on the other side now, excited about the prospects of a new life. I can't believe I wasted so much time with my ex, but every day is a gift. FtB.

Equanimous-Fox · 2024-11-17T17:14:37+00:00

Update: I disagree with a lot of the posts here suggesting that there's cheating - emotionally or physically.

That said, I'm not 100% sure yet how I feel, but a growing part of me believes that I should just let it go and file. I tried a few times this afternoon to talk about what happened. While I did get some apologies, they were quite short, and when I asked for some accountability, I was accused of "it never being enough." The biggest bout of anger was reserved for "you ruined my night" - with little awareness that she obviously ruined my weekend too. But I didn't have a dinner party to go to.

Fundamentally, I don't feel like I'm getting any respect anymore. I find my stbxw to be mean, uncaring and selfish. And I'd rather be alone than be with someone who won't actually respect me deep down. Life is too short for that.

It really saddens me because I hung in there for the last few months and tried to be by her side as she figured things out - just like I'd been in our marriage. But it feels like if I'm going to keep being selfless, she's going to keep treating me like this whenever there's an opportunity.

Thanks all for the advice.

InspectionOk3946 · 2024-11-17T14:06:40+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing you can do differently or say to make this person give you the basic love you’re looking for and you deserve better.

It’s a big realization to come to that her problems are detached from you. I hear you that you want to help fix this, to talk it out, but that takes two people and she’s not interested. It’s not you. You deserve better. Let her go and know that her happiness has nothing to do with you either way. You can’t make this person happy and it’s not your fault. You’ve tried and tried and she doesn’t want to do the work with you because she can’t do the work for herself.

You deserve better.

No-Asparagus6937 · 2024-11-17T13:32:50+00:00

Cut her off man. She is done. You dont need her in your life. Hit the gym it helps tremendously with confidence and date. Dont get into a relationship immediately but dating helped me a lot.

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-11-17T10:02:51+00:00

* STD checks: STBX is maybe currently branching out..
* If suspicion confirmed: DNA parental test for kids (dont ask/tell her) while u have them accessible.
* Don't leave the house even if she wants u out, unless u wanna drag the divorce for years while $ bleeding financially.

Wedditwong · 2024-11-17T05:20:37+00:00

“Repulsed by the sheer existence of me” is how I feel. That and the holding onto hope for nothing…

DivorceTA1988 · 2024-11-17T02:11:43+00:00

It’s no fun, we all get it, mine moved out “for space” and then we actually started couples counseling shortly thereafter. Yeah, it turns out she was seeing someone the entire time so shocking therapy didn’t work. And I read all these posts saying not to do XYZ and guess what I still did it all because you can’t help it.

But once whatever was going on with Mr wonderful blew up and my ex tried to come crawling back I was strong enough to say “no.”

Internal_Echidna5646 · 2024-11-17T01:48:39+00:00

As others have said there is literally nothing you can do about it right now. Once their mind is made up it's over. You should stop communicating with her. Hire a lawyer & file. You can always stop it down the road.

She will need to see you thriving or at the minimum completely indifferent to her in every way before she changes her point of view if ever. You can't convince her with logic or money. You shouldn't have to convince her of anything in the first place. Believe me I've been there. You want it to work, the feelings are still strong but none of it is being reciprocated & it sucks.

Also the comment "I can't be myself in this relationship" unfortunately probably means she is seeing someone else or has someone lined up. Or she wants to start going out more or doing other things without you. You can't stop her from doing it & trying will only push her away more. Detach yourself mentally & physically.

ImportantArm9722 · 2024-11-17T00:53:17+00:00

Go find someone who chooses you. When my wife and I split... a good friend told me "It's really hard to mess it up with the right person" and that hit hard. There were no issues in our marriage that couldn't be resolved but she did not value me enough to do it the "hard way". Okay bye. I know my worth.

If she isn't actively choosing you and willing to fight for you... why would you want to be with that person?

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-11-17T00:17:20+00:00

When someone is done romantically and their former partner is still pursuing them and holding out hope it is extremely repulsive. I never understood this until it happened to me. That repulsion is next level. Your wife is done. Give yourself some grace it is natural to hold out hope (I was there too in the beginning) but you need to accept it is over.

You need to divorce and go no contact for a few years so you can let go and heal (yes it does take that long). That distance will be good for your ex too. Friends is something you can revisit 5 years down the track when you have both moved on and have other partners. Most likely you will realize how incompatible you are and won't want to be friends then and that is completely ok.

If you have kids together keep all communication about the kids only and keep most of it either email or text, you need as little face to face as possible in the beginning.

Definitely get yourself into a divorce recovery group (either local or online) and get yourself some individual counselling for the first year to help you navigate the transition. You cannot do it alone.

HoneydewLeading7337 · 2024-11-16T21:34:36+00:00

Has anyone been in this situation?

Everyone here can relate.

How the hell do you bring it to some kind of resolve?

You get divorced.

From your description it sounds like she's done. If that's the case there's simply no option moving forward that includes the two of you being together. It's unfair, but relationships can end either mutually or unilaterally.

I'm sorry. Things are going to get worse in your life, and something that meant a lot to you is over. It's going to be very painful, but it's going to happen.

Decide how miserable you're going to let this make you.

soontobesolo · 2024-11-16T21:32:30+00:00

You leave her behind and move forward with your life. Accept that it is over, and that brighter future is ahead.

Major-Interest8549 · 2024-11-16T21:25:48+00:00

Read up on Attachment Theory before doing anything else! I went to counseling for a while before I realized it was not me, causing the lack of connection, but my x with a less than poor attachment. It explained everything, and I ran from a 20 yr marriage. 2 weeks in my own place now, and I am instantly happy without the Detached Avoidant twisting reality for me. Read up and decide.

Title	Car crash conversation - now what?
Author	Equanimous-Fox
Upvotes	5
Comments	24
Date	November 16, 2024 9:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gsx03a/car_crash_conversation_now_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/car-crash-conversation-now-what.1535975 https://theredarchive.com/post/1535975

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