Communication is everything…

Gattsama · 2025-01-28T06:25:32+00:00

You are confusing communication with honor, morals, and trust. People had the option of believing the lie your eX told or confirming with you. They choose to believe her on face value. The real reason is that they were never actually your friend. They were acquaintances.

Most of us are lucky yo have a 2-5 true friends in our life...

New_Kangaroo9490 · 2025-01-27T15:44:06+00:00

This hits so close to home my STBX broke and destroyed our family due to lack of communication. 19 years of my life went to the toilet just because he can not communicate. The sad part of it all is that I learned to live with that. However he couldn't and told me that he wasn't happy because he couldn't find the words to express his feelings and needed for us to divorce to find who he was. So fuck me, fuck our kids fuck our life.

Adventurous_Fact2083 · 2025-01-27T15:03:07+00:00

Recently found out that she still acts the same by yelling at my kids and her new bf. Glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore. Good riddance.

warwww · 2025-01-27T12:53:49+00:00

While communication is important, it isn't everything. The truth is that if someone doesn't love you, no amount of communication can surmount that.

You could be the best orator, the most articulate w.e but if another person doesn't love you it is best you find someone that does instead of going all philosophical and going into "deep introspection". Love is complex but simple at the same time.

Now if there were things you could have materially done better I.e. being romantic, making her feel loved etc then you can improve on those but I never bought into the whole "communication is everything" mantra. If she loved you she'll be by your side.

pieperson5571 · 2025-01-27T10:32:39+00:00

Take it as a gift.

When people drop you, it's a gift of peace.

You no longer have to deal with them.

Take it as a chance to form better bonds.

Updateme.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2025-01-27T02:03:02+00:00

Yeah; I knew our communication was bad. I didn’t understand just how bad until reflecting on it afterwards. There’s a lot I could have done to improve that. I didn’t have the skills as a youngster, and had built huge walls up as an oldster.

Riff_Raff1 · 2025-01-27T01:55:51+00:00

Couldn’t agree more — communication is key!

In my case, I realize I wasn’t always the best listener. But I also know my wife was wasn’t listening either…. When we hit rocky times, and I kept bringing up our inability to communicate, she’d argue with me endlessly. I can still hear it — her claims that her girlfriends think she’s a great communicator, so obviously the problem was me. Meanwhile she had no ability to take any accountability for her actions. Her favorite thing to argue about was what I was thinking…. The absurdity knows no bounds!

During our 2nd marriage counseling session, I watched the female counselor, whom my wife chose, argue with my wife on whether she was a good communicator. My wife claimed she was — the marriage counselor just looked defeated, and said plainly — “no, you’re not!” That was the last session my wife agreed to go to, but of course she blamed me for HER decision to not go to counseling. It was still my fault (in her mind).

Unfortunately, too many of us have been there…. Best of luck to you.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-01-27T00:51:23+00:00

Yep. Pretty much same. Difference is she told me what she thought of me at the end, too. Destroys me still. Now I’m trying to figure out my way through the divorce process without crying everyday. Six months so far. 👌🏽

Electronic_Tennis660 · 2025-01-26T23:51:19+00:00

EXACT same story on my end. I truly hope that all women are not like this.

Ark161 · 2025-01-26T23:11:28+00:00

Yeah, it is kind of crazy how some people just get in their head and let it fester until it becomes some kind of infectious wound. I am fortunate in the fact my STBXW at least admits that she is partially at fault for our divorce. Accepting that has been a bit of a struggle, but with time and reflection, I have gained some clarity.

Like your case, my STBXW went from standard everyday wife to stonewalling and treating me like I was some kind of monster. Literally out of left freaking field, nonchalant after dinner, says she wants a divorce, and walks out. It took me 4 months of what I can only describe as the most painful, egoless, embarrassing effort to figure out what the actual hell happened. Turns out, because back when we first started dating, I was going through some shit and had a mental breakdown and yelled at her for saying some really out of line things. She wasnt being malicious, it was just the absolute worst time to say what she did. Afterwards, I realized that I did what I did and apologized. Oh this was 12 years ago by the way and the only other time I raised my voice was maybe 3 other times when there was actual concern of harm to her (construction projects, medical emergencies, etc). I have never verbally abused her, I never threatened or acted in violence/intimidation. I was the embodiment of "I WILL TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU". In her head, she legitimately felt she was in danger because asking for a divorce has a statistic of violence. Screw the past 13 years we have been together and all the crazy we got through together, all because she refused to communicate.

Then, after clearing that up, I found that she felt we had become incompatible over time and that we were not what she thought a marriage should be. There was a thousand little things that made her come to this conclusion while she completely refused to acknowledge the majority of any successes we had. In her mind, those successes were outweighed by the seemingly very small things. I gave up my party hard lifestyle to settle down with her, I gave up making music so I could spend time with her, I literally chose her over friends when they started shit, I accepted that I was never going to have kids because of her health issues, I accepted that sex was not as frequent as I would like to the point I just didnt expect it, She wanted space and I gave her all the space in the world while re-assuring her I was here to help anyway I could. I never protested when she wanted to go hang out with her friends or go do things with them. Sure, I have my flaws, but at no point do I think I deserve losing everything I held dear because of it.

It is only with time that we find clarity in this nightmare. The world tries to gaslight us into thinking it is solely our fault, that we could have done better. There is always two stories and the truth is somewhere in between. I am so deprived of affection, I honest to god have no idea who the fuck I should start dating if at all once all this is done. It is a mindfuck when you realize you had to beg for a hug, but are some how being made to seem like the monster.

GobiEats · 2025-01-26T21:52:54+00:00

Hey man, don’t feel bad, it happens to a lot of us. My wife keeps saying I told you what was wrong, you should have done this, you should have done that. All without taking accountability for how she acted. It would almost be easier if one of us cheated or hit each other. Nope, 16 years and I’m left shocked as to why we are getting divorced, communication is one thing but action speak louder then words. Her actions have taught me a good lesson, be ok being alone, have all your money under your control, never let someone be part of that.

Thankfully we have 3 awesome boys and I have enough money to rent a townhouse so I can have 50% custody.

Title	Communication is everything…
Author	FlyingSaucer51
Upvotes	24
Comments	21
Date	January 26, 2025 9:40 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iarb2g/communication_is_everything/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/communication-is-everything.1542230 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542230

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