TL;DR Once the train is in motion, don't look back

I filed for divorce in August 2022 after several conversations with her about her wanting to divorce. You can check my post history for a little more info, but it was a shit show. She tried to make things as hard for me as she could (kick me out of the house, limit my time with the kids, paint me as abusive, etc.).

I decided to get to work on myself. I dropped 50-60 pounds, got in better shape than I had been since college, worked on my relationship with my kids, and did counseling on my own. I had my life pointed in a great direction. That started garnering attention from women, including my ex.

In March or so, she approached me about trying to reconcile. I think I knew in my gut that it was a bad idea. I have read the stories on here, and it seems like attempting to reconcile never really works out. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. I am weak though, and I let myself think that I could solve our problems and provide a stable family for my kids. In July, she moved back in with me.

Spoiler alert... I was wrong.

Marriage is a "two yes" situation. Both partners have to be on board for things to actually work. At first, it seemed like she was there. It quickly became apparent though that she was unwilling to meet my effort. Our relationship was exactly the same as it was before the divorce from her side, and that is a big problem.

We had multiple conversations about her not making me a priority, about me not feeling loved or appreciated, about our lack of intimacy, etc. It has become clear to me that she either just doesn't get it or, more likely, isn't willing to do any work on her part to fix any of those things. I have been a yes and bringing my best to the table. She has been a lukewarm maybe and expected me to be the one to do the heavy lifting.

I told her on Monday morning that I wanted to sit down and talk once the kids were in bed. Leading up to the conversation, I realized that everything I wanted to communicate had already been said more than once. I realized that I was a broken record at this point. I also remembered that there is a term for doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. When it came time to talk, I basically told her that I no longer needed to.

I spent that night collecting my thoughts and realized that I was already checked out. Yesterday, I told her that I was done and ready to talk about moving forward with the divorce. I hate it for my kids. I grew up in a divorced household, and I know how it impacted me. I also know though that they are never going to get the best version of their dad while I have this relationship in my life. Do I wish I could have fixed things? Sure. Do I now know that I can't, regardless of my efforts? Yes. Do I regret that I spent the last while trying? Maybe.

I do feel like I have wasted nearly a year trying to salvage a relationship that probably should have been left on the trash pile, but I feel like I learned some things in the effort at least. Are those lessons worth it? Probably not. I also feel comfortable though in the fact that I exhausted ever avenue of solution available to me before calling it quits. If my kids every ask, I can resolutely tell them that I did everything in my power to make the marriage work.

Once things are headed to an end, there is almost nothing that any of us can really do to stop it. The best course of action is to focus on yourself and your kids and building the future you want rather than looking in the rearview mirror thinking you can fix that wreck. 2022 and 2023 have taken a toll on me. Here is to a better year in 2024.