Separated for a 5 days

computergeek89 · 2023-11-01T15:01:48+00:00

Don't text her unless its about your son. Don't try to show her how much you love her. And when you are around her don't cry and don't make yourself look sad or pitiful. This will only make her despise you. It will not make her think "oh my what have I done" this will only solidify her decision in her mind.

This is hard, there is no getting around this and 8 months ago I was where you are now. You will be okay, you are not okay now, but you will be.

I work in IT and could not concentrate on my job or anything and even got in trouble at work because of this crap. 1st go to counseling. 2nd take up a new hobby ( I bought a cheap welder and am learning how to use it) 3rd make a list, listing the things about her that bugged you or made you angry. This is not to make yourself hate her and you don't need to live in the negative but in your state nostalgia is your enemy. Nostalgia will only remember the good and even make the good seem better then it was. This list is to help balance this. Every time you want to reminisce pull out your list and remind yourself she was and is not perfect.

These things among others have helped me a lot. While I still feel sad from time to time I feel like I am finally over that despair hump.

Keep plowing forward brother. This crap sucks there is no sugar coating it but you will be okay.

sicrm · 2023-11-01T13:50:44+00:00

first step is to stop texting her unless it’s about your son.

her only replying if it’s about your son or you taking care of yourself means she cares about you to some degree. that doesn’t mean she has romantic feelings for you right now.

look up ILYBINILWY.

also, finding an outlet if you don’t have one already can help (fighting gym, cooking, any hobbies you lost touch with, or a rage room especially if someone goes with you).

if you go with a fighting gym tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then get work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

visiting friends/family or a place you always wanted to see could be a good reset as well.

iSurvivedltd · 2023-11-01T18:30:10+00:00

Stop texting her morning and night. That won’t get you anywhere. A decision has been made and sorry bro-you need to accept it and start planning for life without her. I know she is.

To_Shrug · 2023-11-01T19:23:37+00:00

Its hard right now! You are in the very, VERY early days.

Right now everything is going to hurt. You can make it through this, but you need to give yourself some grace. This is going to suck, prepare and accept that.

Right now you need to workout, eat well and SLEEP! All of those things are necessary. Do what you can to get by at work. Hopefully you have a boss that is familiar with divorce. You are not going to win employee of the year in 2023. Accomplish work tasks and coast as much as you can right now. Your mind will be elsewhere.

You have found a great forum of guys here. Use this sub, read and search it everyday. There are a ton of men, just like you, who have made it out of this mess and have shared stories. Its helpful to know, you aren't alone!

I am truly sorry you're going through this - but, you got this!

Initial_Tomatillo_94 · 2023-11-01T19:09:46+00:00

It seems like I see one of these at least once a day. All I can say is it takes time. I actually went through the phase you are struggling with while still married about 3 years ago now. I knew she would file any day and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was going to move out of the country and disappear.

But she never filed and she just treated me worse and worse until I finally came to the realization that it would never work and I would never get her back, or at least not the old version that I loved. So I filed.

Since then, she said no to my uncontested offer that was heavily in her favor, she has tried to keep my kids from me, and I found out yesterday in discovery that she hid thousands of dollars from me over the last year and probably more prior to that. As a result, I hate her with the heat of a thousand suns. She is a manipulative and selfish bitch.

I say all that to say I get where you are coming from. I had good friends to vent to but time is the only healer. Work on yourself and get a therapist. Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

But most importantly, realize that she doesn’t want you around anymore. That hurts today, but one day it will be the thought that helps you let her go. She isn’t worth your time or energy my friend. You will be ok. Maybe not soon but probably sooner than you currently believe.

Hang in there man. There is a lot of us in this sub and we all survived what you are going through in one way or another. You will be shocked by how many similar stories you find.

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-11-01T15:43:09+00:00

As everyone else is saying, don't text her so much. If you chase her, it'll only make her run. You've got to know you'll be okay either with or without her (and you will, it just takes time). When you stop chasing, she stops running, and starts to feel what she's lost.

rhett342 · 2023-11-01T16:57:48+00:00

Like others have said, don't chase her. That'll just push her away and make you look desperate. She doesn't want to be qurh you anymore, she doesn't get to know your thoughts and feelings about stuff. Even if you get back together later I'd advise talking to a good divorce lawyer ASAP. Hang in there my friend.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-11-01T18:41:34+00:00

Mindfulness is a good way to ride the emotions.

There's a "watch the traffic on the highway instead of being part of the traffic" analogy (metaphor? never understood the difference.)

Don't make any major decisions when emotions run high. Do not concede large things to gain favor. And as others are saying, don't pursue - it usually forces things in the wrong direction.

cactuscharlie · 2023-11-01T19:55:23+00:00

You're dealing with a massive contradiction. This woman who you love and married you now says the opposite.

It makes no sense and never will. That is the bitter pill that we have to swallow. And the sooner the better.

Men are logical. Women are not. At least in my opinion. Maybe women are logical and men are not? Who knows. What I do know is that I will never fully understand why my wife dumped me.

I seek understanding, but it will never come. Together nine years. Married a year and a half. I remember her coming home with her new drivers license with her new last name(mine obviously). How proud and excited she was. We had sex right then and there. She would get so turned on by me calling her by my last name.

Eight months later... texts like "You don't understand. I don't want to be with you anymore. It is over. I don't want to talk. No amount of words will change anything" etc..

This makes no logical sense. Nothing on my side had changed at all. We never even had a single fight in nine years.

The bitter pill: She has left. You are not with her anymore and never will be again. Why? Nobody knows. What to do? Swallow the pill and let it hurt. It will never make sense.

ledemondelamour · 2023-11-01T22:59:26+00:00

You will be OK, know that. I was where you are, I couldn't eat, sleep or even go to work. I had a very understanding boss though. I am eight months in now and I look back at myself and can't believe how far I have come.

It takes time, self care and patience. Don't try and fix everything all at once. I tried to and it was disastrous, it is a marathon, not a sprint.

As everyone always says, go to the gym, run, swim, ride bikes, whatever takes your fancy, the endorphins are great. Read this sub to know you are not going through this alone and for the invaluable advice from men who have been where you are now. Reach out to friends and family and create a support network if you can. Book in to see a counsellor, it really helps to have someone to talk to.

Above all, if you are having bad thoughts, do not act on them, seek help, you will come through this. I still have bad days here and there, but they are occurring less and less. You will think about it constantly for a while, I still do, but you learn to set it aside and move on with your day and concentrate on what is in front of you.

Put your efforts into being the best Dad you can be, your son needs you in his life. Good luck my brother, you can do this, remember, one day at a time.

flinderdude · 2023-11-02T00:45:34+00:00

Ironically, the only way to get her back is to ignore her, be a great father, work on yourself and get things going for you. It literally cannot happen any other way, so just do that. It’s hard, but it gets easier, especially when you start improving yourself and doing things you’ve always wanted to do without her. She wants you to do that actually.

vinarch75 · 2023-11-01T17:55:17+00:00

Welcome to the reality. Accept the truth and move on.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-11-01T14:49:55+00:00

Processing reality takes courage, especially when your life has been on autopilot for so long. It often requires being stubborn and selfish, making harsh changes that demand the same appreciation that you express. Acceptance of what you deserve is the start, it replaces habits that detach self-focus. It's a "U-TURN" .

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-11-01T15:06:48+00:00

I think all of us felt like that at first so you are not alone. But like the saying goes out of sight out of mind.

Title	Separated for a 5 days
Author	amir9701
Upvotes	8
Comments	28
Date	November 1, 2023 1:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17lcbug/separated_for_a_5_days/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/separated-for-a-5-days.1237041 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237041

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