She wants to get a mediator. Settle this without getting messy with lawyers.

Throwaway_858493 · 2023-07-11T02:56:54+00:00

Get a lawyer. Then go to mediation. Don’t let her know you have a lawyer. That’s what I would do.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-07-11T06:52:23+00:00

I just got done with a similar situation. Really ugly in the beginning until she finally said she was going to drag it. I then told her I have a lawyer and I’ve had one on retainer for a while. Shit changed. We agreed to keep it civil. Within two weeks we were divorced. Pretty easy as the courts won’t question if there isn’t anything crazy.

I suggest retaining a lawyer but don’t use them for everything. Make it like insurance.

ranger69danger · 2023-07-11T06:22:09+00:00

Yo dude. You will not get raped as bad or as good financially as you might be thinking.

Your life, your paternal impact on your children, matters. Lots more than you will ever know.

I suffered the severing of a marriage in CO recently. It was real bad with her insanity (no kids thank dog). I paid, bigly, to be free of her negativity in my daily life, to have the freedom to pursue what is most important to me, blah blah.

Whatever this costs you financially you 1) are no longer to be subject to her shitty homelife, 2) get to walk awayish with yourself, the man who begat those children and first won that decepticon female childbearer to whom you are (currently) legally married.

You can do this. Lesser men have and will. Do not let her win. Don’t fuck this up.

Gattsama · 2023-07-11T13:23:25+00:00

I sent you a DM with an overview of the process. Mediation is a great idea IF you know your rights and are there to openly work out a fair deal. The bottom line is:

50/50 split of assets and debts. Remember the debt part too. You can agree how that's divided or agree to wave parts. But if you go to trial, it's 50/50. Can negotiate at mediation
child custody, residency, and support. Custody is not the same as residency. You want 50/50 custody and 50/50 residency (how many nights they spend with you). Child support varies based on how much you each make and normally how many midnights you each get! So if the nights are not 50/50, the parent with more time gers more money, all things being equal. Many states have a set formula for child support, and it can NOTbe negotiated as in theory it's for the child.
spousal support is based on length marriage and the imputed income of each partner. Imputed income is how much the courts thing you can / should make. Even if one partner was a stay at home parent, they can be imputed to minimum wage or higher if they have a degree or previous work history. You need to check the common rules where you live. Support can be waved or negotiated.

People often accept the 50/50, negotiate spousal support (if any) and then really dig in over the kids. Sometimes trading assets / debts / support to get the deal they want.

The thing about divorce is the courts will pretty much issue a standard deal all things being equal. So it's best to learn what that deal is likely to be, go to mediation, and work out something similar but with a division that works best for both of you. For example, maybe you keep your 401k, and she keeps more home equity. It's still 50/50 but makes more sense and is more functional.

As others have said, you want an attorney on backup, and anything you work out in mediation, you want to have an attorney review prior to filing that. In my case we each had attorneys, did mediation over zoom, never spoke to each other directly, the mediator went back and forth between two zoom rooms.

Be safe out there.

wisstinks4 · 2023-07-11T04:51:29+00:00

OP, sorry, your wife has been making bad decisions and decided to blow up your family. I’ve never been a fan of men having to do the pick me dance or begging for their wayward wife to come back. I rather see marriages that can stand some turmoil, still come out together in the end. however, your wife sounds like she’s lost to the streets. Men that make an effort to improve your marriage or relationship. It seems better to end it and move on without her.

Wishing you well in the next chapter of life in the brave, promise that you can find a better woman who will treat you with respect and deserve you in a real way.

PutInternational5252 · 2023-07-11T06:24:02+00:00

You could try a collaborative mediator. I wish we had started with one, but lawyers got in both of our heads and we spent a lot of time, money, and hatred in just a few months. I've found the financial side to be fair so far, but we haven't had our first settlement discussion. We also got a clinical psychologist to help with coparenting. We'll see. A lot of what you're going through is fear of the unknown, and once you talk to lawyer or she starts talking to her divorced friends the fear and anxiety will pile on.

Still protect yourself. Don't move out, gray rock, don't give her a grain of anything that could turn into a DV charge. Screenshot all the bank accounts and credit cards. Take as much responsibility for the kids. Everything you do will be held against you. I'd at least start doing consults with lawyers so you have one to go to if it gets nasty.

ronin2722 · 2023-07-11T12:44:41+00:00

Bro, I dont have kids, but am going thru hell hell right now too. Don't ever give up, don't let them win and never let them you see you you sweat. We got this my guy!

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-07-11T13:24:40+00:00

The rental house proceeds may be all yours really, if you owned that house before the marriage you may be able to argue that it wasn’t a marital asset.

No idea on alimony but I think in most states it’s half the duration of the marriage. So even though it sucks, it only sucks for about 6.5 years. Same deal with child support, it falls off as the kids age out.

Divorced life isn’t so bad really. Fight for 50/50 custody and try to ignore the financial stuff. You can make your money back, but you can never make back the time you lost. Things will be tight, financially, but you can use your extra time to make more money. These issues are solvable and don’t need to be solved with a gun to your head.

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-07-11T16:05:59+00:00

Remember, when a woman walks out, she'd 100% done with you. You are her enemy and she is yours. Anything she wants is for her benefit.

No-Exit6560 · 2023-07-12T07:35:40+00:00

Well, from my experience here goes…

I’m a millionaire from property investing, got her to sign a nuptial agreement.

Things were great until they weren’t and we got a divorce, we have one young child and she has 3 from a previous marriage.

She didn’t get shit because of the nuptial agreement, she’s a little salty about that.

FYI you’re not a fool, you made a decision based on the information you had and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now, my suggestion is to fight for 50/50 custody if nothing else but to be able to ensure your children are influenced in a positive way by you, their father and see that first hand. As a side benefit you should also not have to pay any(typically) child support as you’re 50/50.

ronin2722 · 2023-07-14T21:52:29+00:00

Its hard I had to walk away from my job, I am struggling so bad financially right now. It seemed like it was going to be civil at first then she talked to a lawyer and now she's turned into a monster, worse then she was before when I decided I had to leave and for now leave everything behind. All my crap minus my clothes, computers and my pup are all back in Colorado and I'm in Illinois now, so thats going to be another battle to get it all but currently I can't even pay my bills. I just got a new job hoping to start next week, but while its nothing great it will help. Just hang in there my guy, we can't let them win. Everyone wants right for every type of life, unless you're a guy getting divorced then you're screwed. Even when I was the one that left her, so we will see what my lawyer says next week when I retain her.

Title	She wants to get a mediator. Settle this without getting messy with lawyers.
Author	quahog_clambake
Upvotes	11
Comments	28
Date	July 11, 2023 2:54 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14wer7d/she_wants_to_get_a_mediator_settle_this_without/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-wants-to-get-a-mediator-settle-this-without.1224839 https://theredarchive.com/post/1224839

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