Things are so bad

Xan-Diesel · 2022-07-15T18:23:14+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. There isn't anything you're going to be able to do to control her behavior - now, during or after the divorce. You can't negotiate desire and it's extremely unlikely she'll decide to honor her commitments or alter her principals. All you can do is control yourself and you should start immediately.

Recognize that things will likely never get better and will almost certainly get worse. Realize that things will get increasingly difficult for you as time progresses. There is zero benefit to waiting longer to divorce than necessary. In divorce we generally hear the longer the marriage the larger percentage of your retirement accounts she'll be entitled to - as well as longer period of potential alimony payments. In addition, if you continue earning higher wages as you're suffering through your marriage, you could potentially end up paying a larger sum for child support.

This is all without factoring the major impact on your emotional wellbeing which will continue eroding the longer you're subjecting yourself to the chaos. Many men, including me, lost their entire lives through the process but realized after it was over that we had lost our concept of who we were long before. The sacrifices we justify making to create a happy household for our spouse and children end up taking a major toll on our sense of self. The faster you're able to rip this band-aid off the faster you'll be able to create your authentic self again.

Remember: there is *nothing* you can do to prevent your girls from having to deal with your wife's affair partner (or anybody else she subjects them to). Unless you're able to prove he's some sort of convicted pedophile or get an order of protection or something, she can do whatever she pleases. Just like she's doing right now. In the event you're able to secure 50/50 custody you can do the same and create the kind of life for your daughters they deserve while they're with you.

Good luck - you can do this!

Colfax_Ave · 2022-07-15T18:48:38+00:00

I'm going to echo what Xan-Diesel said - by far the hardest part of my divorce in the long run has been dealing with losing my kids half the time. And having no control over what happens to them. Yeah, the grief, loneliness, jealousy, emasculation all sucks a lot. And I went through all of that, but the thought of some other man who I don't have a say in getting to raise my kids half the time just kills me.

Honestly, I used to drop them off, then pull around the corner and cry in my car for 20 minutes. I still do that sometimes 8 months later.

I wish I could give you some thought that would help you cope, but I haven't really found one. I just try to pretend I'm single and don't have kids when they're with her. If I dwell on it, it will drive me crazy.

Maybe one small thought that helps me is that if she continues to be as chaotic as she is and I can give them a stable home half the time, then in 10 years they'll realize what's up. Maybe at some point, the court will care about what they want and they can choose to come live with me, who knows.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. Just know that you're not alone. A lot of us on here have been through this and we're here for you whenever you need to talk

AggieDan1996 · 2022-07-15T19:58:10+00:00

Divorced in 2018.

Morality clause in the divorce decree helped with that in my case. Between 8pm and 8am no romantic partners were allowed to be in the house, hotel, RV, etc. while exercising custody of the kids.

Yeah, it was a complete pain in the ass which left us scrambling from time to time at 7:50pm. One time at my current wife's house, my daughter needed to use the bathroom before we left. So, I stepped outside waiting patiently for my daughter to complete her bowel movement. It must have been an epic one as it took forever. Because, kids will be kids and do the most inconvenient things at the most inconvenient times and take the most time doing it.

If they're like my ex, the restriction will push your ex to dive into the relationship way too fast... to their detriment.

First thing the ex's new husband said after the ceremony? "Now I don't have to leave at 8pm." They married in 2020. Last year he was "helping out his mom" and staying with her. They bought a house last summer. He never moved in. My ex announced to the kids they were getting a divorce.

As for yourself, get therapy. If your employer offers it as part of your insurance, dive in. Cry when you need to and start rebuilding yourself. Activate or create your support group... You need people not tied to her.

If she's not willing to dump the chump, file. Split the bills 50/50 and keep track of shared expenses. Work with your lawyer to see what your new budget is going to be and make plans to live within that budget. Save what you can and spend the rest.

TheBoyBand · 2022-07-15T21:41:46+00:00

FILE!!!!!!!! ASAP!!!! our stories are similar. DM if you want to, I had sane scenario and made CRITICAL mistakes!!!! FILE

recce22 · 2022-07-15T20:09:41+00:00

Looks like it will be more than 50/50. You’ll end up having to pay alimony!

Sounds like she’s a narcissist.

Keep yourself and your children safe!

mehmench · 2022-07-15T21:34:12+00:00

Quite honestly the sooner you start the process the better. It might not be as bad as you think, it depends on how old your children are. If they are older teens then they do deserve to know the truth in the kindest possible way.

I told mine 'I decided I couldn't stay in the relationship that wasn't monogamous and so I filed for divorce.'

Their mom was pissed for sure but it didn't alienate anyone from anyone else.

She does need to get a job and if you own a house you'll probably have to sell it and find a place to rent. You'll lose have your retirement and any cash and then you'll have to figure out a child and spousal support calculation if the kids are going to spend any time with her. She has a masters, she's employable - if she refuses to work then get a vocational assessment done and have her income imputed at that level. Even with 15 years in you won't pay spousal support for ever - I was able to negotiate my 16 year marriage's spousal support to 8 years. I had her get a job as soon as I discovered her affair (she's a CPA by trade and very employable).

Now she's making 6 figures within a year of joining the workforce and my spousal support is more than I want to pay but low enough that I can live with the number and child support is down 50% from when we started this bullshit a few years ago.

Find a good attorney, if you're in southern california I can send you a recommendation.

david10277 · 2022-07-16T00:16:54+00:00

31 yrs..4 kids...I make 4x her salary.

It's tough, it's a headache but you can do this The next chapter will be even better , yes it's hard to see but once you remove her toxic energy and start living for yourself your life will be full and fun.

Money can always be made, pay her ass out , go to Colombia and fuck some young women. Leave the trash to kick rocks.

She is useless to you and serves no purpose

SixOfWandsRedux2022 · 2022-07-15T21:32:38+00:00

I'm in CA and teetering on the edge of divorce. Hasn't happened yet due to finances as well. If you want to chat......

sicrm · 2022-07-16T03:08:33+00:00

the longer you stay, the more you’ll pay.

look for a lawyer that has experience in long marriages like yours with kids and work on a game plan.

Front-Lion-5098 · 2022-07-15T19:14:59+00:00

Stay strong man! Stay in the house for as long as you take it! She is gone, lost and so let the trash have her. She will come to her senses some time but it will be too late.

Best to you and the kids. Please don't tell me she met this loser at her shitty PT Job!?!?!?

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-16T01:57:39+00:00

Do everything you can to focus on the business and execution of the divorce. It really sucks to basically have to forget the betrayal because the law doesn’t really recognize it.

lostcanuck007 · 2022-07-16T08:05:38+00:00

i dm'd you

Seemedlikefun · 2022-07-16T19:01:44+00:00

Look up clueless alien syndrome. Thats what you are dealing with.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-07-16T05:07:07+00:00

She’ll also at a minimum get 50-50

Well brother, you are telling me you have nothing to lose by going into debt hiring a lawyer. Find yourself a cut-throat lawyer and give them a $10,000 retainer. This will be pre-marital debt and will be split with the ex-wife assets.

You also need to make sure you have your finances separated from any joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards after you have paid the lawyer.

Since she is a STHM you have been paying all the bills and you'll need to keep doing that, but you don't have to make her life easy with pocket money. She can get a job if she wants pocket money.

She’s increasingly unhinged — despondent, angry, and openly hostile.

Get yourself a voice activated recorder. Always use it. And I mean always. When she becomes completely unhinged and calls the police on you the voice recorder might be the only thing saving you. And if she ever starts getting violent make sure you pull out your cell phone and start recording video. California is a two party state so the video recording would probably not be admissible in court, but if she's violent and you can show that to the police it might be her going to jail instead of you.

Last and most important. You don't know this women you are divorcing. She is NOT the women you think you married. The women standing in front of you now is an evil, skank, witch that will absolutely destroy you even more if you let her.

Also, buy the book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. Read it. Pay close attention to what it says. It will help give you the right mindset to get through this and come out the other side even stronger.

You got this brother. Stay strong.

donnamommaof3 · 2022-07-23T04:12:37+00:00

Tell her you’ll see her next Tuesday BAM💥

Title	Things are so bad
Author	SixOfWandsRedux2022
Upvotes	37
Comments	51
Date	July 15, 2022 6:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vzv7f5/things_are_so_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/things-are-so-bad.1123695 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123695

Comments