Cheaper to keep her?

leviathynx · 2022-07-01T16:10:52+00:00

I would sit down and calculate everything. That includes the future. The longer you stay with her, the bigger her share of “joint property” gets. So estimate the cost of divorce now vs 10 years from now. That includes child support, alimony, house,retirement, etc.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-07-01T16:18:20+00:00

So... your plan is to just remain married until you die?

If you decide not to file, you may at least want to file for a legal separation. Otherwise, you may end up having to split everything you accumulate between now and the time you do divorce (i.e. if you make retirement contributions or win the lottery, she could ask for half). Also, if she runs up a lot of debt or gets into any legal trouble, you could end up on the hook for paying for it.

Also, the longer you're legally married, the more likely it is she could ask for alimony and the longer you will have to pay. It's expensive to get divorced, but it will only be more expensive down the road.

So, unless you think there is some chance you'll be getting back together, I'd just bite the bullet and get it over with.

OwnerAndMaster · 2022-07-01T17:08:46+00:00

The only time you should wait to get divorced is if you believe she's about to get higher reportable income in the near future, or you yourself are about to get less

Jagged_Rhythm · 2022-07-01T17:31:07+00:00

Peace of mind is worth a lot. I was pretty concerned about my financial fallout too, but now that it's all over and done, there's no amount of money you could give me to get me back in that situation.

talkinboutlikeuh · 2022-07-01T16:30:44+00:00

I’d start documenting that the kids are with you and talk to a lawyer. Maybe that way she’ll have a hard time going for custody just to get the money.

akihonj · 2022-07-01T18:03:05+00:00

My advice is this

If it's cheaper to stay married to her, she's not living with you, so you're separated, she's paying her own costs and you're covering yours. Stay as you are.

If you meet another woman you have a ready made excuse why marriage is off the table, you can easily explain that costs for divorce and family law make getting a divorce impossible unless you want to be bankrupt.

Now if you do meet somebody she can try to file for adultery but you can counter file that she cheated first causing the breakdown of the marriage and as far as you are concerned you're separated but can't afford divorce.

In many parts of the world including CA they don't care about adultery anyway.

My view then, you're landed here, can't get married again because you're already married, you can meet somebody else but have a valid reason for not doing marriage again and if that woman doesn't like it then she needs to contact her politician to change the law because there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have to cover any of her bills, she's living elsewhere she pays for herself. You cover your costs.

No government can force you to divorce unless the marriage is illegal to begin with, if that's the case they then cannot enforce divorce law.

So stay as you are and wait until the time is right.

A win win.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-01T21:59:22+00:00

In CA, a marriage of 10+ years means there is no defined end date to spousal support. So if you aren't married that long yet, GTFO before then.

If she's underemployed, then her income can be imputed. So if education/background qualifies her for a job in CA that makes $100k, but she's only making $50k, you can have a vocational evaluation performed so CS and SS will be calculated at her having a $100k income. All said and done, that's about $5k but it's got a huge return on investment when you look at how much you save with CS and SS.

Lastly, the sooner you divorce her, the sooner you can start rebuilding. I'm four years past divorce and in my 50s, and I doing very well financially. My only regret is that I should have filed sooner.

stent00 · 2022-07-01T16:47:20+00:00

Ditch the cheating trash can and don't take back from the curb once you kick her out she belongs to the streets

SlappyHandstrong · 2022-07-01T17:58:21+00:00

The emotional relief of having her truly out of your life is priceless

occoptionplaya · 2022-07-01T22:08:57+00:00

I would divorce for cause and maybe the court will have sympathy on you because she cheated. Staying in a loveless, miserable marriage is not the answer. I tried for 7 years and gave up. Currently going through the process. I'm going to get absolutely screwed, but I'd prefer to have less money than be a miserable excuse for a man and stay in the marriage. Good luck!

lostcanuck007 · 2022-07-02T06:47:55+00:00

yeah,..that was exactly my thinking, and basically allowed her the time to come up with a plan to completely ream my ass.

don't fall into this mindset. Cameras, audio recorders, talk to a lawyer. prep the kids, prep your finances.

have an agreement ready to sign when you approach her, you could simply say that you will tell the whole world about her "activities" including her family and your kids. Or she can piss right off and accept getting nothing. Talk to a lawyer before you do this. Coercion is a thing.

also putting your assets into a blind trust/scorp that is offshore and taking on a shit ton of debt before you do this would be a good idea if your state has sharing of debts AND assets.

This is a war, not a battle, this is gona take some time. But the alternative is NOT to live with a serpent, getting rid of the serpent should be the key.

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2022-07-01T16:19:41+00:00

You could also do a post-nuptial agreement. But a clean break now is better.

Eve-3 · 2022-07-01T16:21:20+00:00

There's nothing stopping her from creating new debt that you'll be required to pay if you stay married. You can say you cut her off but nothing is stopping her from getting a line of credit now.

Have her income determined by a specialist and use that number to calculate alimony. You can't force her to work but no reason you should be the one to suffer for it.

stent00 · 2022-07-01T16:44:47+00:00

Ditch the cheating trash can and don't take back from the curb once you kick her out she belongs to the streets

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-07-01T17:02:28+00:00

You don't say if you've passed the Golden 10 year mark. That bit of information will make a big difference in the calculations.

Metallicatica · 2022-07-01T18:01:02+00:00

The cost benefit analysis shouldn't be about money, it should be happiness and time. You get neither of those things back - you can always make more money.

ShaolinSoccerStar · 2022-07-01T18:37:09+00:00

Here's another thought...do you want your kids to grow up seeing their dad (who sounds awesome, btw) in a loveless trainwreck sham of a marriage?

Throwaway4120213 · 2022-07-01T18:38:21+00:00

Of course there is no sense of urgency on her end. They longer you guys stay married - the more assets you will earn and save and the more your retirement funds grow (all of which is half hers once you do file even if you are cutting her off now. The longer she stays married to you, the longer she is out of the workforce and the older she gets - that’s better for her to ask for indefinite alimony.

If I were her - I’d also milk this with freedom to date around and then divorce you in 10yrs when you will be handing over half of a bigger amount and paying alimony until she retires.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-07-01T22:02:18+00:00

Not all costs are monetary.

How much would it benefit your state of mine to have her out of your life? How much better will the children do?

You haven’t told us where she is right now or what kind of involvement she has with the children, or how long you have been married. CA has some weird laws that might sting now, but are a whole world of hurt later.

Physical-Pie748 · 2022-07-04T18:53:37+00:00

NOPE! nothing costs too much for FREEDOM. prepare for the divorce, hide your money, speak with men who have experience with divorce and who can tell you how to hide money.

talk with entrepreneurs in cars = richard cooper (he does 1on 1 coaching about how to survive divorce) and with The Lead Attorney (he can tell you divorce strategies), and with Coachgregadams = Greg Adams (he can tell you tell you things about divorce/co parenting/custody)

WartimeDad · 2022-07-01T16:16:33+00:00

Terrible idea

X-32A · 2022-07-01T16:20:43+00:00

Honestly, I was in a similar situation. Losing her extra income is also added to the formula. From a financial plan. it didn't look great. but I had a hope to find a better person who's genuine and would build the shit off and at least I am happy.

AffectionateAd6060 · 2022-07-01T19:13:32+00:00

how have you caught her cheating? sounds like a salacious story that the peanut gallery would love to hear about! what's the skanksters way of lying and trying to pretend all is normal?

rsmiley77 · 2022-07-01T19:17:36+00:00

From an economic perspective it will only get worse from here. I was where you were. Cut her off.

jkw118 · 2022-07-01T19:48:29+00:00

So reality here is, until your divorced legally your somewhat together. If she does certain things it could come back to hit you.

So for ie, if she hits somebody they sue. Depending on the laws and what's going on you may be on the hook for it, doesn't matter about anything else. She kills someone or permanently disables, she goes to jail the kids sue her. Then since your tied still, they can go after household/maritial finances. Whether she has access to them or not. (hey but what if she's really cheap and barely has any insurance, more then likely you'll get even more screwed)

It's also a q, of whether the house/mortgage etc are all only in your name. And making sure she's not on anything at all.

It all depends on the state, laws, what happens...

jalopkoala · 2022-07-01T19:48:50+00:00

Your life is currency as well. But you don’t know how much of it you have left. You may only have a month left. Or a decade. Maybe 50 years if lucky.

eyesayhello · 2022-07-01T20:03:48+00:00

If you've been married for 10 years in CA you're looking at lifetime alimony. Is she decent in bed at least? I'm just trying to find a positive here.

JohnnyMnemo · 2022-07-01T20:12:12+00:00

You might be correct...for now.

But unless you have something in writing, she can and probably will wreck your credit, and you could very well be jointly responsible for any debt that she runs up. I think that's state dependent.

In some states, if she gets pregnant while you are married, you are automatically assumed to be the father and would have to play child support--even if you haven't touched her for years.

mfolivas · 2022-07-01T20:52:08+00:00

bro, I did that...and I can tell you that you're a ticking time bomb! From the bottom of my heart, I can tell you that your life is so much better than living a mediocre marriage. If she doesn't love you or is not willing to do anything to save the marriage, then I think you should definitely consider at least separating.

JSNTFS · 2022-07-01T21:38:57+00:00

Talk to a lawyer. This is not a place for amateur internet advice. A qualified attorney will be able to tell you the cheapest way to get out of this situation.

pacinor · 2022-07-01T23:02:20+00:00

One of the things they look into is how much earning potential she has. Any Master's degree will be considered in that equation. She's expected to work barring a disability or other valid reason for being unemployed

whatskeeping · 2022-07-02T01:48:32+00:00

I waited till the kids were over 18.

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-02T01:51:55+00:00

She’s estranged. Meaning she can come back at any time to try to claim what she believes is hers. I guess the inflection point of when to file would be the peak of your ability to get sole custody.

oldskoolflavor · 2022-07-01T16:46:52+00:00

I would:

-Start planning my escape route. Won't be 100% clean, but as best as possible.

-Cut spending money on her or on any properties like now.

-Also start focusing on myself. Wanna go out and spin plates? Do it. Loyalty went out the window when she cheated on you. Just make sure you don't get caught. This will give her rope to hang you as well as a narrative as to why "things ended between you two".

-Have some caution when trying to hide money.

-Don't go all fkn Rambo on her either, but don't be winnie the pooh.

Signal_Drummer88 · 2022-07-01T18:06:13+00:00

Yes it's always cheaper to keep a giant pile of shit VS paying to get rid of the pile of shit which only stinks more as time passes by.

MangoSaintJuice · 2022-07-01T17:00:44+00:00

Get them evidence and take it to a lawyer without letting her know

hombredelgato · 2022-07-01T18:42:05+00:00

As a cheater she's proven she is only capable of thinking about herself. This is not going to change and eventually she's going to start thinking about how to get as much out of this as she can. In other words, you're hoping the clock on a live time-bomb isn't going to run out of time...

Correct-Perception94 · 2022-07-01T23:31:06+00:00

Does she get alimony if you can prove adultery? I'm pretty sure she doesn't...

recce22 · 2022-07-02T12:45:13+00:00

Here are some peanuts for you...

It's called "alimony..." You better get your shit together and if you make good money, pony up and get a Divorce Lawyer. You've been warned.

Title	Cheaper to keep her?
Author	SixOfWandsRedux2022
Upvotes	39
Comments	91
Date	July 1, 2022 4:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vp4b9u/cheaper_to_keep_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/cheaper-to-keep-her.1121828 https://theredarchive.com/post/1121828

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