Trust

toooldforthisnonsens · 2023-01-31T00:12:11+00:00

I refuse to allow my ex's character flaws to own my future. She's not living rent free in my head.

QuietVisitor · 2023-01-31T01:38:40+00:00

Was married 19 years.

After divorce and a few years of rebuilding, I also considered this question.

For myself the answer is:

1.) any woman I date, I make clear in the beginning that I’m not going to marry again, I might not ever live with a woman again, and that even if we get physical, it will take time for me to love.

2.) related to love… it’s important for me in any post-divorce relationship to define love as actions and not words. Show me love. Don’t tell me.

3.) I’m not interested in relationship titles, external expectations, or timetables for advancement. Again, I make this clear at the beginning. Some women bail out immediately, some say they can live with it but really can’t.

4.) be as honest and authentic as possible. Any “game” you front to be with a woman, is not sustainable.

The underlying point to each of these is that I expect my woman to know that I’m flawed, not a pushover, expect her to demonstrate value (just as she would expect from me) and trust is grounded in these for me.

Frequent-Bench-648 · 2023-01-31T06:34:15+00:00

All I know is my ex gave me a lot of data points to evaluate my future partner ..

Slow_Way1108 · 2023-01-30T23:18:20+00:00

There needs to be a shared moral compass that's deeper than "I love you and want the best for you/us"

that's the standard I'll be moving forward with once all this is finalized.

Gattsama · 2023-01-31T05:57:37+00:00

Trust means different things. Do you mean trust like absolute certainty = the sun will rise tomorrow. Or do you mean trust, like I trust the bank will deposit this cash I gave them into my account and not walk off with it.

People hate to see trust as transactional for some reason. So instead think of it as conditional. The important thing is to release the BS Disney fantasy of soul mates, unconditional love and blind trust.

You don't trust based on words, you observe their actions. You also need to come from a place of abundance. You aren't lucky to be with her, she is not special or unique. There are tens of thousands of her out there. She's not one in a million, she's one of a million. Be prepared to walk away at anytime.

And most importantly you have to have strong boundaries and value yourself. No female should be your primary source of worth, drive, validation or support. That all has to come from within, she can step into the role from time to time.

I was with the eX for 17 years and married 12 years. Separated Oct '21 and divorced Nov '22. I started seeing a new girl regular Dec/Jan. We both have strong boundaries. I never cross them, and so far she's doing the same. This requires open honest vulnerable communication. The key word being vulnerable, you have to be open and willing to accept rejection.

Rejecting is a good thing. It let's you know this isn't going to work, so you can move on to other people and projects. If you are not self centered, know what you want and able to set & standby strong boundaries do not even consider a relationship. Bad things are likely to happen.

No insult, but keep in mind the only consistent thing in everyone of your failed relationships is you. You can't control or change others, so work on what you can control (yourself) and then consider being open to others.

Good luck and stay safe...

playerknowmore · 2023-01-31T22:30:14+00:00

Stop treating women like they are the main character. You are the main character and the prize. This way you only have to trust yourself. I look at myself as a prize to be taken away from people who do not deserve me.

Least_Attorney9006 · 2023-01-31T00:31:48+00:00

I have two philosophies with relationships after my divorce.

Trust, but verify. I’m going to assume the best, but make sure they are worth being trusted.
If we can do it in religion, we can do it in relationships.

I’m taking leaps of faith.

I’m going to quiet the lingering doubt in my head that the person is going to be untrustworthy.

After my ex wife, I can never fully trust again. But I recognize that that lingering doubt will always be there.

And I don’t want to make that lingering doubt prevent me from having an amazing relationship.

I’m going to verify everything I can about a person, but I’m the end I’m going to make the conscious choice to silence that last voice in my head.

xjeeperx · 2023-01-31T02:38:18+00:00

Not looking for anything, I’d be open to a relationship, but I’m not marrying again. If it gets serious and she wants to be part of my life then she shouldn’t have an issue. I don’t mind the commitment and monogamy, but I won’t be put back in the same position I was before. Maybe that means that I’ll never fully trust anyone again, I’m not sure. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself before I can fully answer that question.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-01-31T15:49:03+00:00

> How do you ever trust again?

Take the time to understand female behavior. Learn about intersexual dynamics. You can start by internalizing what hypergamy means. Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi.

OldMotoxed · 2023-01-31T21:17:06+00:00

(shrug) Time heals all wounds...you'll meet someone and click and suddenly you start trusting them. You might be a little more careful and mindful of how you divide expenses, share money, structure ownership of assets and so on, and that's smart, but trust will come.

I've been divorced twice and lived with/been engaged 2 other times and dated a ridiculous number of women. The last time I got divorced was 2016 and at that point several other recently divorced work colleagues and friends told me that they'd never get married again. I told them that I would if the right relationship presented itself. Here we are 7 years later and literally all of them are remarried. I'm the only one that's not married at this point, but I do live with my partner.

Title	Trust
Author	Old_Ad8951
Upvotes	7
Comments	23
Date	January 30, 2023 10:52 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10pgqzl/trust/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/trust.1150636 https://theredarchive.com/post/1150636

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