I still don't understand how someone is supposed to be confident

Intelligent_Expert10 · 2022-12-09T15:19:00+00:00

It’s a long journey.. I’m trying to be more confident for like 7 years and I had better results in some things long time ago then I have now, but I have more compliments now ..

It’s like a dance or anything at all, confidence is just a repetitive behaviour. You get better with experience, if you have experience you feel confident on what you are doing.

The usually mistake people (even myself) do, its that they feed the Ego confidence and not the real confidence.

“I’m a badass, people will think I’m cool” no you are just stupid and probably boring (depends os a lot of factors)

The advice “just be yourself” is a shitty one in my opinion as people sometimes are just too comfortable to change but if they are looking for that change, they don’t feel good about themselves in some points of their life so “being yourself” will not help for sure, as you need to “improve”

What you should do is like a tree of things that you want to improve at.

The core is what you want to improve, the little branches are the things that you need to do to get to the core.

You want to get a better body ? Ok body/physique is your core. What do I need to achieve it ? Probably Gym, nutrition, changing my routine, my habits, eat better, drink more water, stop smoking, sleep better, bla bla this list goes on and on lol

But sometimes people are not willing to avoid certain things, the person you will be in the future starts today with your attitudes/habits.

I know a lot of people that only want certain things and are always crying about things they could easily do or become better at just by changing little things in their life. (Me included and it’s important to look to the inside sometimes)

The fake it until you make will only result if you are getting results as I said before we learn from experience so if it was not working your mind will trigger you to become the version you were before..

With girls it’s the same, you want better results ? Probably (what might help) being friendly, asking things, looking for advice, be the initiator, frequently contact them, playful, better body/physique, clothes, grooming better etc etc

don’t forget that even if don’t want to acknowledge that, dating is kinda of a competition

I could keep talking about this but I’m working 😂

MettaSuttaVegan · 2022-12-09T15:27:22+00:00

What's the underlying root cause of your social anxiety? Don't get me wrong, but I see the question and confusion of how to "be" confident as analogous to confusion as to why installing new firmware on faulty hardware wouldn't work.

I only ever got more confident by resolving trauma. That's me though. Maybe I am the odd one out? 🤫

Change happens not only by addition but also obscurely, by subtraction.

spiraldinosaur · 2022-12-09T15:59:50+00:00

You get confident by putting yourself into situations you feel confident in, and/or by regularly exposing yourself to things that help you learn to overcome that anxiety.

Remember that socialising isn't about "validation". It's about connecting with someone. If you find people you have something in common with, then you can connect. For example, I saw from your profile you're interested in Pokemon. I don't know much about Pokemon, so I'm sure if I asked you about it, you could feel confident to tell me about it, right? If you go to the gym for the first time, you're gonna feel totally out of place and worried that you look like you don't know what you're doing (because you probably don't). Fast-forward through 6 months of membership, and you're gonna be walking in there like a regular, doing your thing, knowing what you're doing.

You don't have to fake it. You have to build confidence through experience. Stop making things about validation and make everything about just doing your thing. Nobody is watching you, nobody is judging you, and those who are don't matter anyway. As with all forms of anxiety, you have to put yourself into those situations, feel the discomfort, and reflect on it later to see that actually, having that conversation didn't hurt you, you're not banned from the gym because you used equipment wrong, and your life hasn't fallen apart because you said "Thanks, you too!" to the waiter who said "enjoy your meal."

Gradually, over time, you learn to become more comfortable in these situations, or you create friendships with people who you become comfortable with because you know each other. It's all a matter of exposure and practice, and reflecting on how that exposure doesn't cause the disasters that you think it might.

beigs · 2022-12-09T16:15:17+00:00

Confidence doesn’t just exist as a silo.

It’s caused by a number of things, one of which involves loving and accepting who you are as a person, knowing your strengths and limitations, and the ability to withstand / grow with (constructive) criticism.

I find false confidence tends to be drawn from a sense of insecurity, is extremely fragile, and can border on arrogance as overcompensation.

So, what is making you anxious? Is it anxiety? I found a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy (if taken seriously) and medication at the beginning helped immensely for my anxiety. I also treated my adhd, and that calmed me down and finally stopped me from spiralling. This wasn’t instant and I constantly need to check in with my mental health so I don’t fall back on bad mental health habits.

From there, I took steps outside of my comfort zone. Not big ones, but ones where I was sure the outcome would be good. Then ones where I wasn’t sure, then I’d continue. I hate change, so this was really hard for me. It wasn’t for dating, but for career, classes, friends, hobbies, vacations. I conquered my fear of the ocean and am now a certified diver. I faced my social anxiety head on and did an archaeological dig for a few months overseas alone and met friends.

Eventually, the little things allowed me to do bigger things and gain confidence in my self. This spilled into different aspects of my life, including relationships, career, etc.

Me, socially awkward anxious and adhd me, can now make friends easily, and good friends too.

Naus1987 · 2022-12-09T19:49:15+00:00

Think of your favorite hobby, and think of what it’s like when someone asks you to talk about it.

That’s confidence.

zonadedesconforto · 2022-12-09T19:16:12+00:00

Honestly, I think “being confident” is a foreign concept to non-Western people, myself included. I’d rather exchange the “feel confident” for “feel comfortable” advice. Being comfortable and safe in one’s shoes is a better way to frame it

Ifhes · 2022-12-09T20:09:28+00:00

You won't ever turn confident from one day to the other. It takes time and work. Work on yourself, what makes you feel so bad about you, your childhood and how it affected that AND how to be accountable today to heal that wound. What about your parents make you feel bad about you AND how to heal that too. Try to be conscious how much time you spend finding excuses to feel bad instead of finding solutions and ways to improve yourself. You'll be shocked how often the first one happen.

It's very possible. 4 years ago I was like you, maybe worse. Yesterday I uploaded a selfie on Instagram because I liked my look.

hongos_me_gusta · 2022-12-09T22:11:23+00:00

Hi, the 'fake it 'til you make it advice only temporarily works or works at a surface level. You may find help on r/socialanxiety as well.

I can reccomend the following advice and resources I've mentioned to others with social anxiety.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy. CBT type writing or thinking and Exposure Therapy done with a heirachy on a frequent basis over a long term is the answer. Dr. Aziz Gazipura's youtube channel &/or his book '..Solution to Social Anxiety' details both very well. Youtube has a wealth of info on doing Exposure Therapy and CBT as well. Also, the forms from this book, 'Managing Social Anxiety,' are great: https://academic.oup.com/book/28747/chapter/234412205?login=false.
Self Esteem. Improving your overall feelings of self esteem can only positively impact your social confidence. Check out a book like Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathanial Brandon. Youtube has summaries and the whole audiobook. R. Burns Felling Good as well.
Social Skills: besides improving one's cognitive and social confidence, learning actual practical social skills can help. check out a youtube channel like Charisma on Command or Vanessa Van Edwards for practical social skills advice.
Attachement theory and Trauma. CBT writing will help, but understanding and healing any trauma you've experienced and / or knowing your Attachement style can help. Check out, A Secure Base by John Bowlby or Attached by Levine & Heller. Also, Gabor Mate's new book on Trauma.
Time & Work. Understand that you will have to dedicate significant work over a long time to change. You'll have setbacks as well. Patience and consistency are key in changing your thought and behavior patterns.

Stargazer1919 · 2022-12-10T00:14:47+00:00

Speaking as someone who used to have ZERO confidence or self esteem.

It's not an easy journey to build it up. It's really tough, but that's also what makes it worth it in the end. Here's the key steps to what I went through: (in no particular order. This all happened over the same time span.)

I realized that the bullying abuse I went through was largely the cause of it. Therefore, it was due to the problems that other people caused and there was nothing inherently wrong with me that made me deserve it. It's not a cure but it does help a lot when you realize other people's bullshit holds no value to you.
Building self esteem and confidence is something that has to be done little by little. Like building a house brick by brick. Start with the smallest stuff, even if it seems stupid. Start recognizing and congratulating yourself on everything you do well. If you did a great job at work that day, if you did something nice for someone, hell even if you just managed to do the dishes that day, it's worth telling yourself good job. Rinse and repeat. Keep doing this with everything. Eventually your attitude will start to improve and it'll be easier to tackle bigger things, then you can congratulate yourself on doing a good job with that. Even if you fail at something, there's something good you can tell yourself about it. It was still worth trying, you learned something from it, or whatever. I hope you see what I'm getting at here, it boils down to changing your habits and letting it snowball into bigger and better things.
Once you've gotten a better grip on those things, you can work on showing such good feelings and attitude with others. A little bit of "fake it till you make it" can help here but really it's about letting that positivity be genuine and then sharing it with others. I'm still working on this part myself. I find it easier to stand up for myself now. I don't trash talk myself anymore or throw constant pity parties for myself. Other people are more likely to come up to me and have a good attitude, so our confidence and good attitudes rub off on each other. I understand now I deserve better that what I originally grew up with and I won't allow that shit in my life again.

I believe this all adds up to genuine confidence and self esteem.

domitori3 · 2022-12-09T17:44:17+00:00

There is this book that I'm reading right now. Called "The user's guide to the human mind" by Shawn Smith. An amazing resource for someone with social anxiety. Highly recommend.

Reasonable-Pea-162 · 2022-12-09T20:24:22+00:00

Confidence comes from competence. Get good at a variety of things that bring satisfaction. You will feel better about yourself, and this will translate in conversation.

Could be cooking, woodworking, sailing, gym and fitness stuff. whatever. Especially good if it brings you to meet a new group of people with a shared interest. The more interests and hobbies you have the better.

2022-12-10T17:32:46+00:00

it’s tough because most people “fake it til you make it”

the red pill teaches people “confidence comes from options” but most of the guys in there have ONLY ever had <2 options for female attention at any time

genuine confidence comes from options BUT it comes from experience, which most never get. so how does one get confident? they have to shock their system.

they have to do something that scares them or that puts them outside their comfort zone, to teach their subconscious mind that their fears are learned and not real. that in most cases they are in prisons of their own design.

it’s not something you can know with your mind. it can only be learned by doing.

wasted_basshead · 2022-12-11T21:42:38+00:00

Try it when you buy yourself a new outfit you feel better in! Or when you get a new hat you like or something. Then try the eye contact, open/confident posture, etc..

Gmed66 · 2022-12-16T04:01:46+00:00

It's honestly not that big of a deal. Do you lack confidence and make it visible? That's a big deal. But otherwise just being "average confidence" is what you need as a man. Being too confident is a turn off. And displaying confidence isn't going to make you more attractive.

Look at it this way, lack of confidence is a turn off. But confidence is not a turn on.

YellowLeatherWeather · 2022-12-16T22:31:37+00:00

Confidence is built off the affirmation from others and conscious/subconscious knowledge or social proof that you are better than most other people in some way society values.

If you are taller than most people, wealthier, better looking, have a valuable skill, are naturally charismatic etc. You'll just naturally act confident due to constant positive affirmation all you're life. Even more so if that thing is something immutable like a physical trait or natural talent.

That's not to say you can't gain confidence over time. The difference is the less 'valuable' you are, or have been signaled socially to believe you are throughout your life, the harder it gets to actually gain and hold onto that confidence.

The easiest way to build confidence for men is through working out and building muscle, or getting a good job and making great money. After that the second easiest way, if crass, is to use that new value & status to sleep with a bunch of women that you know other men would struggle for.

But confidence isn't the same as satisfaction or happiness. Having a community of good friends and family, a loving partner and a set of hobbies you enjoy won't make you confident, it'll allow you the social and mental security to focus on working on the things that grant true confidence without worrying about feeling anxious about FOMO.

That being said, despite what people living in a bubble of being one of the many tall white attractive 6 figure earners all over reddit, society does value certain things over others.

A short, ugly, bald, ethnic, less endowed, poverty stricken man and a very short, ugly, overweight, ethnic, poverty stricken woman, both have 5x the work to do to gain that confidence than others without those perceived flaws. It always stays an uphill battle too, because others like to maintain the social illusion of their status over others. The above mentioned redditor irl doesn't truly believe having those qualities helped them earn anything they have, so it must be that struggling persons fault if they can't just 'get it' like they did.

That's my understanding of things. If you're not in such a bad place that you have some friends, parentsl support, or are otherwise better off in some way than others, use it to your advantage. Learn skills, social, physical and/or mental and cultivate them towards a measurable metric of value society would recognise.

2022-12-09T16:43:00+00:00

Honestly fake it. This is gonna sound stupid but if you purposefully do things like every morning look into the mirror and tell yourself you’re amazinv or beautiful eventually you believe it. But you have to consistently do it and genuinely do it

Or doing something to your appearance taht feels dressed up and focus on how good you look

You have to actively change your negative thought processes. It’s hard! I tell people to look in the mirror and say something nice and they seriously struggle or they giggle

banes_rule_of_two · 2022-12-09T16:59:22+00:00

Fake it. Fake it till you make it actually has significant psychological data behind it and worked for me personally.

redmaplesyrup · 2022-12-10T23:00:53+00:00

Take the red pill

Unrandomtizio · 2022-12-09T13:05:59+00:00

What if you want to try to be confident and try to look a girl in the eyes when you talk with her buuut she doesn't want that she doesn't want to look at you and look at her phone? Yeeey confidence

Title	I still don't understand how someone is supposed to be confident
Author	Pomeranian111
Upvotes	27
Comments	48
Date	December 9, 2022 1:01 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/zgwrmj/i_still_dont_understand_how_someone_is_supposed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/i-still-dont-understand-how-someone-is-supposed-to.1142330 https://theredarchive.com/post/1142330

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