Is being “BB”, settled for, or being seen as the “safe/stable” guy a valid concern?

mjornir · 2022-10-08T13:53:15+00:00

. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t view me as attractive but sees me as a stable option.

As a man, you have agency to leave if you feel your needs aren’t being met or you are not valued. Hold fast on your boundaries for someone that actually respects you and wants you for who you are.

Sorry that happened to you. You deserve and will find better. Not all women are going to be like that

xvszero · 2022-10-08T15:27:55+00:00

There might be some women out there who marry a man just because he can provide, just as there might be some men out there who marry a woman just because she has a hot body. But MOST people tend to want more out of their relationships.

Being safe / stable isn't a bad thing though. My wife thinks I'm hot and she likes that I'm down to earth and we have a stable relationship.

Desire is complicated though, no? Like I as well find my wife hot in part BECAUSE she is down to earth and stable. It's an appealing part of her personality and attraction to me is based on a lot of things, not just looks.

alexbrove · 2022-10-08T15:36:14+00:00

Red pill makes you think that women walk around rating the opposite sex on a sliding scale of 1-10.

Red pill makes you believe that all women secretly despise their ugly husbands, and they fantacize about an attractive man that they slept with in the past when they were still young, before they 'hit the wall'.

Please remember that this is just a story that is being sold by red pill and it is far from the truth.

The truth is that most human beings are drawn to each other because of some level of attractiveness between them. This attractiveness to each other starts even before they have an initial conversation. After this, they may find they are even more attracted to each other as they get to know each other. This is how attraction works.

For most well adjusted women, they want someone that is a best friend and a lover. Someone they find attractive on a physical level but also connect with on a mental, and emotional level.

It is only gold diggers that will typically marry a man that they do not find physically attractive since they are more interested in money than love. But for most women, if they do not find you attractive, it's unlikely that they'll date you, let alone marry you.

thetruthishere_ · 2022-10-08T14:13:30+00:00

I will not be in a relationship with a man Im not 100% attracted to and want to F silly. Im 100% in or not at all.

Im not some anomaly.

rhymeswithgarlic · 2022-10-08T14:00:25+00:00

It's a valid concern. It's natural to want strong mutual attraction with someone. And you'll find it. Keep looking. You're really young. Keep working on your career, and your confidence will grow. As you become more confident, more people will be attracted to you - women and men alike. Just be patient and thoughtful and don't settle for another nasty woman.

2022-10-08T19:43:08+00:00

TL;DR: Yes, it's a valid concern.

Longer answer:

It's a valid concern, but I have a few caveats:

Be on the lookout for red flags, and be prepared to cut your losses on very short notice.

The person you're eyeing or seeing may seem perfect at first, but don't be afraid to cut losses when things aren't working out, or you perceive your needs to be unmet despite repeated attempts to try and remedy the situation.

Be prepared to be single for a long time, if not for the rest of your life.

If I were in your position, I'd be fine with being single for a long time. Take your time in continuing to develop yourself, and try your best not to compare any prospective partner with other prospective partners, but with your current happiness and contentment.

Set and stick to your standards and boundaries.

Try not to lose yourself in the relationship or looking for one. If your partner tries to test you or breaks any of your boundaries, you tell them off. If they repeatedly do so, you're better off cutting your losses since they're willing to repeatedly and shamelessly disrespect you.

Be prepared to have at least a person or two trying to shame you for having personal preferences and standards. You're looking out for your own wellbeing in this scenario, and you can confidently tell them as the head of security of your own happiness and peace of mind to back off.

All the best.

Naus1987 · 2022-10-08T15:57:06+00:00

Sadly, the best solution to this is learning how to read people. But if you struggle with reading people then it may be challenging for you on your own.

Another good alternative is to work on your friend circle. If you have good friends, and you listen to them -- they can often call out red flags you may miss. But again, you have to listen to them. I've watched a lot of my friends date walking train-wrecks, and I'll call out the red flags, and they just handwave the advice away saying "this time will be different." And then when they're crushed and at their low, it takes a lot of restraint not to chime in with a "I told you so."

--------

Another way to go about this is to consider the trauma arc. I'm sure that line raised suspicion on some people reading. ^.^

Anyways, the general idea is to never date someone with trauma, or someone who isn't actively trying to heal their trauma. Because the person they are with trauma is fundamentally different than the person they become after they're healed. A lot of people (men and women) get used as crutches to help fill a void in a wounded person's life. And then once they're healed, they expand their options and consider leaving to explore greener pastures.

An example of this is someone with low self-esteem may settle for a person they're not attracted to, but enjoy being with, because that person is healing their self-esteem issues. However, once that person's self-esteem is healed, they no longer need their partner's reassurance, and will start seeking out people who provide other benefits. Like someone who's more compatible in hobbies, or has less baggage.

All of this is to say someone with a weakness will seek out a crutch first, but once they're healed they may move on. This happens with both genders.

And when it comes to "being the safe and stable bet" this breaks down into simply, don't date someone who isn't already safe and stable. Don't be someone's crutch. Instead look for someone who doesn't need a crutch, and they won't treat you like one.

Obviously, it's easier to win attention and affection if you flash your money, and woo people over with your stability, but as you said -- you don't want that to be your defining feature. So make sure you don't flaunt it. And make sure you don't date someone who's actively seeking it.

Once you've shielded yourself from bad apples, then you gotta work on actually meeting and dating people, and that's a whole other topic and many more paragraphs. So I'll leave that part out for now. ^.^

Meiguishui · 2022-10-09T01:45:19+00:00

More often than not, if you’re not a millionaire+ you don’t have to worry about women being with you if they’re not attracted to you. It’s just not a thing no matter how much RP claims it is. Being a “safe/stable” guy is a good thing and it’s what most women would want in a long term relationship. If that’s you then you’ve got the goods. And in my experience the more I can trust someone the better sex and intimacy becomes. And actually it’s not a bad thing if a woman fantasizes about past encounters sometimes, because despite all of that she’s choosing to be with you over them. Sometimes I do that and it only enhances our sex life together. I might not always explicitly think of the other guys but in my mind might dress up my bf in their style. And sometimes not. What matters is we’re monogamous and enjoying intimacy together.

Yupperdoodledoo · 2022-10-08T16:18:22+00:00

No. It’s pretty rare for a woman to date or marry a man she isn’t attracted to. Date women "in your league" looks-wise who have similar incomes to make sure to avoid the few like your ex. Each of my LTR were average-looking men that I was madly attracted to because we had chemistry and they were good lovers so I associated them with pleasure.

luridlurker · 2022-10-08T21:09:09+00:00

I want to be desired for who I am as a person, not the stability that I offer.

Date an equal to you. Date someone else who is also stable. Being in a stable place (emotionally and financially) is a good baseline for both partners.

Tenagaaaa · 2022-10-09T00:06:27+00:00

It’s a valid concern. Which is why you shouldn’t lead with money or a luxurious lifestyle. Find people with similar hobbies, things you enjoy. There’ll be more common ground. Don’t be too quick to please, you’re just as much of a catch as the girl you’re interested in is.

Tl;dr: find someone with similar interests, keep things casual and easy, slowly get to know them and make your decision from there.

RatDontPanic · 2022-10-09T05:24:12+00:00

Of course it is a valid concern, don't let the blue pill crowd tell you it isn't. You need to avoid women like that and seek out someone better.

no_bling_just_ding · 2022-10-08T13:07:42+00:00

this subreddit will say no only crazy men worry about this shit and women just have different priorities at different stages in life and that this mentality results from viewing women as sex objects & immaturity and entitlement.

there's your thread in 1 comment

Aggressive_Orange855 · 2022-10-08T17:26:39+00:00

Yes it is, especially with the amount of single mothers out there .

at 25 you probably will only barely start seeing them, in 10 years that is pretty much all that is left, well them and whales.

meisterkraus · 2022-10-08T22:42:33+00:00

Yes but remember being settled for and treated good is different then being settled for and treated bad.

softnmushy · 2022-10-08T16:30:21+00:00

It’s a concern, but i don’t think you should worry about it too much. The vast majority of women will not express romantic interest in you unless there is some minimal level of physical attraction.

Your stability will make you more attractive to some women, especially in future years as you get older and women become more mature. But that’s a good thing. It means you will be more attractive to women interested in a serious relationship.

Laurely4u · 2022-10-08T17:47:22+00:00

Let’s imagine that I was lucky enough to get set up on a date with British Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, and he came to my front door in his wheelchair. Maybe I could imagine myself enjoying some fine dining with a man of such great intellect. It would be an honor and a privilege to listen to him speak. We could spend time with his intellectual friends and have truly high level conversations at dinner parties. I could imagine the prestige of myself being seen with him, I could imagine myself with a visa to live the UK if he eventually married me. If we were to marry and if he dies, the pension would leave me set for the rest of my life. To my chagrin Mr Hawking only takes me on a date to McDonald’s and he tells me to order something off the dollar menu. Furthermore he tells me that he is super tired of always talking about astronomy. He is phobic of commitment and he doesn’t see himself getting married anytime soon. With me he only wants to talk about his sexual proclivities. Maybe we could split the cost to get a room together at a hotel for one night. On my next date I get asked out by Vern Troyer the diminutive but talented actor who played “mini me” from Austin Powers. In my imagination I could see myself going out on the town with him when he is invited to A list parties. Wow, it would be fun for me to be introduced around to various famous celebrities. It would be amazing if he could get me a tiny non speaking bit part in his next movie. I could imagine my life riding around in his car up and down Rodeo Drive. Maybe he would even take me shopping at some of the high end stores. But to my disappointment he says he wants to keep our special relationship a secret, and we can never be seen together at the same event. He thinks it is best that we remain on the down low and not make it public. He only wants us to be friends with benefits so it’s better if we don’t live together but only meet up on the weekends for no strings sex. He wants to keep our finances strictly separate; I pay my bills and he pays his. Instead of riding in his car on Rodeo Drive, we could climb into the back seat and I could ride his big three inches. My point is that each person has only one social reality and is mainly good for whatever they are good for. For some men, if you subtract out the perks and extras there isn’t enough left. Not everyone can be a 10/10 Adonis.

ComebackDaddy · 2022-10-08T20:12:10+00:00

Only if you are insecure in assuming that role.

2022-10-09T05:47:34+00:00

I am sorry about your terrible experience with ex. People say hurtful things at the end of relationship and it may not necessarily be the truth/fact so take it with pinch of salt. I have ADHD and people who neurodivergents can fall for cognitive dissonance very easily. Life is not black and white.

Emotions like lust and anger is all temporary reaction to a stimulus not a rational response. These reactions are high in young people and eventually they learn regulate their emotions and make wise decision. Look at all the handsome movie stars who are divorced, why did that happen? Lust is not sustainable in context of long term relationship but works very well for short term/casual relationship. This is were RP influencer miss touch with reality as most of them don't have successful marriages themself. They keep pushing men that having high body count is achievement at the same time shaming women for seeking sex.

We all are by product of parenting we received and we learn and grow from our experiences. Things that work in casual relationship wont work for LTR.

That being said attraction works differently in men and women. For women the foreplay starts outside the bedroom. No matter how handsome the man is he still has to "turn on" the female partner because their genitials work differently from men which needs more than lust. Men can get turned on by naked body or even jus boobs and ass. On the flip many women feel used for their body and not loved for the person who they are. There is reasons rom coms and erotica are popular in women and porn in men.

Matured people tend to judge partner on traits that has bearing on their day to day life not just looks alone. During honeymoon phase it may look all fantastic but things do change after that. What people are attracted is very subjective and people are not monolith.

You are free to leave any relationship where you are NOT valued Or taken advantage of but dont assume that there is only one way to be love because RP said so. Seeing you a stable guy vs finding you attractive is not a mutually exclusive thing. Seek a relationship where there is passion and compassion. If you want to grow old with affection and wrinkly solving puzzle on newspaper then valuing traits that has bearing on day to day life is wise.

2020mademejoinreddit · 2022-10-09T11:23:22+00:00

Yes, it's a valid concern. You should be appreciated for who you are and not what you bring. That, at best is just a bonus that shouldn't matter.

It sucks to read the you were in an abusive relationship. I know how that feels.

Glad to read you're on your way to do good things for yourself.

That being said, don't apply that abusive woman's attributes to others. Also, don't apply the "safe" thing to other women either. Generalizations are dangerous and often misleading.

Here's a little tip, never reveal how much you make. Keep it to yourself. Especially in the initial stages of dating. No matter how much anyone asks, ANYONE. DO NOT TELL THEM.

There will be women who will be more interested in you, than what you make and how "safe" you are.

How do you recognize them? Well, often times it's obvious, but with experience you just know who's what type of individual. Like I said, let them know almost everything unrelated to money or your lifestyle aside from your hobbies when you talk about yourself, except what you make and how financially stable you actually are.

That stuff comes waaaaaaaaay later, if at all. Especially if the woman you're with is financially stable herself.

Remember, in 2022, women are financially stable themselves. Often times, more so than many men. So..yeah. No need to reveal anything. If she forces you to say or tries to get it out of you or you get a hint that she's trying to do that, then it's time to back away subtly and politely.

That's it. Good luck, relax and know that you're a good guy, i.e. if you actually are ('cause I don't know you personally).

Yesm3can · 2022-10-10T14:07:12+00:00

Is this a valid concern?

I feel that it is a very valid concern for men, women, NB...from all kinds of walk of life and sexual orientations. Nobody, except people with little self-esteem or quite desperate, wanted to be settled on. We all want to be first choice and that is ok.

How to know that you are your partner first choice? Well...I kinda have a bad news for you, usually the answer is time. Even people on Reddit who found out that they were 'the safe choice' usually found that out after several years together...or several months together if they are lucky enough.

Another problem is, sometimes not even sexual/dating history matter. I used to know ladies who never got together with anyone, because they aimed specifically for the type of guys who can offer them stability. And there were also gents who went for non-attractive ladies to make them mrs. Right-now. Something to give them attention and affection till they have some chance for upgrading.

I think in the end it really is down to luck.

fathergoose77 · 2022-10-10T20:35:17+00:00

It is positive to be safe and stable just as you would like your partner to be age and stable herself (right? This is not a bad thing).

It is possible to be attracted to someone and also think they are safe/stable. That is typically what he seen as marriage material, and to many people, they will feel more attracted to their partner if they feel safe with them.

Learn to avoid people who will take advantage of you (this applies to both men and women, men can also befriend you to take advantage of your money/possessions/kindness, it’s not gender exclusive. Best way to do this is to have clear boundaries for yourself (example: I’ll pay for their coffee and small meals but not expensive meals, their bills, anything that is their responsibility, or I will ask to split the bill if it is over X amount of money, or I will not pay people people who constantly “forget” their wallets). Learn how to say no to things you are not comfortable with and the people trying to take advantage of you will vanish.

Also, this is something that is a general rule I have, but I won’t invest in things like gifts and fancy dinners for people until I know more about them and have developed some sense of trust (guy friends as well as women). Basically don’t wear your wallet on your sleeve.

Hope this helps a bit.

Title	Is being “BB”, settled for, or being seen as the “safe/stable” guy a valid concern?
Author	printerpal
Upvotes	20
Comments	39
Date	October 8, 2022 1:03 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/xysal1/is_being_bb_settled_for_or_being_seen_as_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/is-being-bb-settled-for-or-being-seen-as-the.1134610 https://theredarchive.com/post/1134610

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