Do complacent men ever change?

2340000 · 2020-06-02T14:39:35+00:00

You're praising him for being hygienic? Driving to see you? That is the bare minimum. Plus he only planned one date in 4 years! That's 48 months of opportunity!!

C'mon, men never change. You've just activated his insecure attachment. He's suddenly leveling up? I doubt it.😒 You know what you need to do.

TradcatAlice · 2020-06-02T15:15:24+00:00

Idk why women come on here and say they love their significant others because they do soooo much and then they go on saying how their boyfriends treat them with the bare minimum.

I'm sorry but my girlfriends do more for me than that. We can't let men pass with the bare minimum anymore.

lival42 · 2020-06-02T15:40:57+00:00

Let's sum up here:

"He's been crying"
"He said he...
...can't believe
...hasn't been living
...wasted his time playing
...not been planning"

These are a lot of words. But has he made any action in regards to these words? You mentioned that "he is leveling up" - what specific actions has he performed? What has he planned, executed, and completed - and most important - are his actions commensurate to the level of activity you are putting into your relationship with him?

cutsforluck · 2020-06-02T15:11:46+00:00

OP, I think you know the answer here.

I'm going to try to say this as diplomatically as I can. However, I've been in a similar place as you, and wish someone grabbed me and shook me lol.

It's nice that he feels bad for treating you poorly. However, without concrete action and a plan, this doesn't mean anything. Feelings and words mean nothing, if they are not accompanied with meaningful changes in behavior.

From what you're saying, he's lazy, and you've let him get away with it. Even worse, if you tolerate this shoddy behavior, it lowers your own self-esteem (because you think you deserve to be treated poorly).

Please know you deserve better.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-06-02T16:57:22+00:00

Why is he crying instead of planning you a date ASAP? What the hell?

My ex was like that. He would get all sad and emotional when I stood up for myself and told him what I didn’t like. Most of the time it ended with me apologizing because I felt so bad for him. #manipulation

If your bf really wanted to change and actually cared about your feelings, he would start planning something ASAP, not moping around getting you to feel sorry for him.

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-06-02T18:30:14+00:00

A good guy and a nice guy isn’t necessarily the right guy to be with.

Your boyfriend certainly sounds like a nice guy who has done plenty of nice things, however like you said IT ISN'T ENOUGH. A man who wants to see you happy and flourishing will be actively investing time and money in you and will be working to advance your quality of life and create a comfortable future for you. It isn’t enough, like you said, to be someone fun to spend time with and someone who gives you thoughtful presents. You said he is gutted to see you leave? Obviously. But what is he actually doing? Nothing really. Four years of patterns are hard to change. Telling you about how sad he is and crying is very manipulative.

Nikita_kitty93 · 2020-06-02T16:37:15+00:00

Sis, your standards are so low they are below zero. And I say that because I was in your exact situation, including the dead bedroom. Except mine was 5 years. I adored my guy, by the way. He did a lot for me (I have tons of stories like yours), but he too was completely complacent, lazy and he too only took action when I threatened to leave.

Here are my thoughts:

1.Once he has your heart back, will you have to always remind him/threaten him that you're ready to leave? Just to get what is absolutely standard, basic minimum? Every six months? Every year?

My thoughts, as a person who always gives fully: Don't do that to your heart. Embrace your own nature, which is to love fully. Don't keep teetering on the edge. Don't turn yourself into one of those people who always has one foot out the door. You don't need to always be on edge, in fear, and holding yourself back. You can find someone to love fully and be happy, even if that person ends up being yourself.

Can you truly forgive 4 years of neglect? Even if he turns around now, given his core personality, he likely will only get up to 50-80% of what you needed. But that's after 4 years of neglect, and you will be constantly fearing he will go back to his ways. Is it worth it?

(In my case, it was a sad "No" and I left, and my life has been SO MUCH BETTER.)

Whether he loves you or not DOESN'T MATTER ONE BIT. This is a weird thing to realize. We think love = good treatment but this is not true. Some people can love you more than they love themselves. They can love you to hell and back.

But if they are at their core not a giving, thoughtful person by instinct, the way they live you will never be right. You will constantly have to be at them nagging and reminding them to get them to act properly.

Good luck.

Capable_Okra · 2020-06-02T20:33:53+00:00

NO.

And louder for those in the back:

NO.

Nikita_kitty93 · 2020-06-02T21:03:25+00:00

From what I have been reading,it seems that you are in denial about your situation and always making up excuses for him..and stop saying your low-vlaue because of one mistake, u are grown and u recognize your mistake so learn from it..and how much longer are u willing to stay till u see an improvement,it's been 4 years already.. love and prioritize yourself more girl

nutshit · 2020-06-02T21:52:23+00:00

No if a man wasted 4 years already who’s to say he won’t slip into those patterns again (they do) and then you’re married and stuck. Find someone better

NumerousPainting · 2020-06-03T01:21:33+00:00

1 tip... if his friends are as complacent as him, then forget it.

Men like fitting in with their friends. If they don’t have the encouragement and/or pressure from their circle to be better, then it’s unlikely that he’ll change.

AutoModerator · 2020-06-02T13:49:52+00:00

NOTE: This sub does NOT support the commercial porn industry, as it is an institution that promotes and normalizes sexual aggression, incest, pedophilia, violence, racism, degradation, low sexual satisfaction, and objectification of women and girls, many of whom have been drugged, raped, misled, trafficked and otherwise coerced to appear on film.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	Do complacent men ever change?
Author	PrincessLevelUp
Upvotes	50
Comments	42
Date	June 2, 2020 1:49 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gv7oeb/do_complacent_men_ever_change/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/do-complacent-men-ever-change.674627 https://theredarchive.com/post/674627

Comments

NO.