How to Prepare to Leave

Given the recent post history on this subreddit, I decided it’d be best to create another helpful guide on how to leave your LV/NV.

Now, to preface, this post is primarily dedicated to those of you who can afford to leave with little to no damage to your physical safety. If you believe that leaving your NV/LV man is likely to produce irreparable damage to your or your loved ones’ physical health, reputation, or safety, please seek an adequate support of human services in your country/state of residence.

You may also use the following link that provides a list of various informative resources for DV survivors. Additionally, this website details how you can stay safe before and after leaving the abuse.

Remember that you are strong, intelligent, capable, and loved — you can do this, no matter how hard or unimaginable it may be. I encourage other FDS members to share helpful tips/websites/resources that may prove useful as well.

Now, let’s continue.

We already know that emotionally abusive, manipulative, and toxic relationships (or entanglements) tend to yield a form of addiction. This is what we call trauma bonding, a psychological response that arises from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. It is extremely serious that you cautiously approach whom you let into your life, be it of romantic nature or not. The longer you stay, the more you risk developing a deep, unhealthy attachment to an abusive, manipulative, selfish person who will deprive you of your livelihood, if not worse.

If, after browsing this subreddit, you find yourself in a position with an on-and-off boyfriend, ‘friend with benefits’, or just an occasional hook-up who strings you along, this post is for you to utilize. Even if he parades as a ‘good guy’ with exceptional moral framework, and ‘truthfully’ feeds you some bullshit about his inability to commit, stop playing yourself.

You know that this relationship or ‘situationship’ is not fruitful: he will never provide any form of emotional or spiritual fulfillment, let alone make you cum. Keeping this useless man around will only leave you full of regret, grief, and lost opportunities. Do not let the dead weight (i.e. negative value, no value, or low value men) hold you back. So, let’s ✨drop him✨:

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• YOU DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM. His feelings, past traumas, or delicate inner world do not matter. Even if his mental illness or addiction is properly tended to and treated, his treatment of you (or other women to come) will not change. He does not care about anything that has to do with you, unless it serves his best interest, you understand? If some part of you protests against this notion, congratulations: you successfully gaslight yourself into thinking he’s worth any value. The reality is, however, he is not worth your time, energy, — and most importantly — love and affection. Let him wither in his own dread.

• STAY DETERMINED. It will take you awhile to be completely mentally and/or emotionally ‘ready’ to leave. The more time passes, the more you expose yourself to continuous shitty treatment (that may escalate to verbal/physical abuse), risk of STIs/STDs, potential pregnancy, and other horrors of allowing LV/NV men access to you. Do not entertain an idea of the ‘happy ever after’ with him — it does not exist. You have to rip that bandaid off, otherwise he will continue to use you.

• SHIT LIST. Write a list of all the shitty things he has ever done or said to you, even if it’s something small. Re-read it whenever you think of him.

• DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If he has ever threatened you over text or other forms of communication, make sure you document it. Even if he has not, screenshot the shitty messages he has sent you. You might need them, just in case.

• BLOCK AND DELETE. You would have to go no contact, so be prepared to stay consistent with it. Make sure to block and delete him on every single form of social media (yes, even LinkedIn, Skype, Spotify, or your old Gmail account). As u/Pahapan added, you DO NOT owe him any closure. DO NOT ‘break up’ with him in person under ANY circumstances, it’s dangerous. Send him a brief text that you’re not interested anymore, if that makes you feel better, but that is ALL you need to do, no more. Once again, you have to delete and block him afterwards. If you skip this important step, you are likely to get sucked back in.

• PRIVACY FACILITATES YOUR PEACE. Additionally, your social media needs to be private. Change your passwords (on every social media account) to more complicated, long ones. Store them in a password manager app or elsewhere safe. You never know, he may be savvy enough to hack you (or know people who do). Clean up your follower list (as well as any thirst-traps — they screenshot and pass them around like nudes) to get rid of any unwanted lurkers, be it your mutual friends or people you have little to no relation to. These people have no fucking business having access to your private life. Even if the only photos you post are that of sunsets, remove any mutual followers you two may have. Open up your privacy setting and set them accordingly, so that no one could PM you on Facebook/Instagram (I made sure that only “friends of friends” can send me friend requests and even then, that does not warrant accepting them). Needless to say, do not accept any new followers, unless these people have been thoroughly vetted. I once decided to experiment on a guy I had blocked. Several times, after I would un-block him, he would send me follow requests. Somehow (via one of those paid apps maybe) he was able to find out that he was no longer blocked, so he would attempt to slither back in. He’d keep sending requests until I had him blocked once again, that f—king clown. Nonetheless: protecting your privacy also protects your peace.

• CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. Although this is optional, it is highly recommended. Stay cautious and smart. Get yourself a Google number, so that you do not have to disclose your primary one to people (both men and women) who have not been thoroughly vetted. My friend’s ex had the audacity to reach out to me (someone he does not know), asking for her phone number and home address to send “a gift to” (of course, I blocked the creep). Therefore, ask yourself: can you trust your (potential pickme) female friends not to disclose such information? Note: If you decide to continue using your old phone number, withdraw access to or do not grant said access to ANY application (new or old) to have your ‘contact list’ — he will get a notification and will reach out.

• LET SOMEONE KNOW. For the sake of your own safety, let your close, trusted friend know that you will be cutting the guy off — in case he shows up at your place or threatens you. If he does threaten you, make sure to document it (any prior evidence of him threatening you or being verbally violent needs to be documented before you block and delete his traces). If he persists, make sure you inform him that you will be taking legal action against him.

• PREPARE A BREAKUP KIT. Go get yourself some mild pain killers in case you get a headache from all the crying. Stock up on some soft tissues, snacks. Consult your medical provider to see if there are any herbal supplements, vitamins, or minerals you could take to help your body manage the stress. Buy yourself a foundation or a skincare cream you’ve always wanted (if the budget allows). Some bath salt, maybe? Or that new fuzzy, fancy robe you saw? Get it. Make yourself comfortable, safe. You are loved and pampered. Make sure to keep your space clean, stay hydrated, and eat (meal prep before breaking up, if you will).

• EDUCATE YOURSELF. Read and finish the entire Handbook. I suggest you start reading Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”. Other book suggestions: “Codependency No More” by Nick Anderson, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith. The rest of the recommendations are listed on the sub’s menu.

• CONTINUE READING STRATEGY POSTS ON FDS. Any helpful, informative content on this subreddit or other FDS platforms will prove useful to you. It will help you safely navigate the current dating environment (once you make sure you’re ready to put yourself out there, of course). Once you understand the teachings of FDS and have read the rules/Handbook, start exercising your new mindset! It will help you sit more comfortably in your new mentality and standards. I am pretty sure that a couple of women on TikTok/other social media content creators are now bringing the FDS teachings onto their platforms, as well — expose yourself (cautiously) to learning from them, too.

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Do not let them waste your precious time. Remember: you can do better.

Edit: grammar and clarity. Also added more information. I’ll make occasional edits to add more information if need be. Please enjoy and I hope it helps!

Thank you so much for all the awards! I am incredibly humbled and thankful for the recognition ❤️