HVM that make less than you

yoursultana · 2021-08-28T14:54:39+00:00

Just because he MAY be a HVM, you don’t know him well enough to determine that, doesn’t mean he’s the man for YOU. He can be a great partner to another woman who makes less or the same as him. However, if you marry this man and he turns out to be horrid, you will end up forfeiting your money and assets to him Bc the law unfairly applies alimony to men.

You’ll also have trouble being compatible Bc as the man he should pay for the bills and dates. If he does take that role on, you’ll not be happy Bc he won’t be able to afford the lifestyle you desire.

Ladies you should only entertain men who make the same or more than you. It is self preservation and protection. Men generally cannot handle it ego wise and they will destroy you given the chance. Don’t risk it.

If your gut is telling you he’s good news: I’d say you can consider if he’s working towards better. If he has ambition and a good work ethic, he may be able to reach a better salary. But do not rely on potential. Remember he may not even be HVM, his mask may come off in a few months. Do NOT attach yourself in any form legally to him until he reaches such financial potential, for your own safety and security.

I’d say you can take the friend route or get to know him slowly over time whilst dating others and if he pulls through financially, you can date him more seriously.

Imaginary-Newt-493 · 2021-08-28T15:50:25+00:00

I dated a man who made less than me and it was fine for a while. Then the little comments started. He was upset not only at the money I made, but at the higher social status I have achieved. He paid for dates, but once in a while I wanted something fancier and I would offer to treat. A top notch restaraunt, a cruise, things I could afford and wanted to share with him. Rather than being grateful, he was resentful! We finally had it out and he fumed that I was "rubbing it in his face." Like I should hide my hard earned success? No thanks! He actually made decent money in the construction industry as a project manager, but he worked long hours and had lots of expenses from an adulthood filled with bad choices. I CHOSE my career, invested in the education to achieve it, and enjoy a lifestyle augmented by solid financial choices. That was the last man I dated who made less than me. Dating wealthy men is not always a picnic ( they always think women are gold diggers, even when you have your own money) but I want to enjoy my success, not hide it. OP needs to look carefully, not only at how much money he makes, but HOW HE EARNS IT. is he a professional? Do you share the same social class? Does he earn benefits, and vacation time? How does he respond when you buy something amazing for yourself? Does he roll his eyes, or does he say, "congratulations, you deserve it"?

Europa_Queen · 2021-08-28T17:10:15+00:00

I feel like one important factor here is the nature of his job and the reason he’s doing it. Did he just take the first desk job he could find that meets his basic financial needs, with no aspirations or enough work ethic to move up? Or is he doing some kind of not-for-profit work that he’s truly passionate about and that is helping others/the world in some way, but that can’t pay much because that type of work just doesn’t by design?

I agree with others that 5 months is too soon to tell whether he’s high value, and that you need to keep vetting, thinking about how this could impact your compatibility long term (also, prenups exist, and you should sign one regardless of who you marry!), and looking for signs that the income difference bothers him (typical trait of someone with a fragile ego & toxic masculinity). But personally, I don’t think someone making less than you is an immediate disqualifier.

honeybeeroll · 2021-08-28T21:21:32+00:00

I have a friend in a similar situation to you. And I'll say it depends on your income for your age, your personal preference, and his attitude and ambition.

My friend has had a very high paying job since she was in her late 20s, she makes way more than most people her age. It is hard to find anyone her age who makes. as much as she does. So of course her husband makes significantly less than her and always has. However. He is hard working, kind, ADORES her, and has eyes for NO ONE but her. Seriously he's like the only man who doesn't look at other women. I have interacted with him only a little over the 3 or 4 yrs they've been together and i could see that. Her sister is my best friend and so has hung out w/ him a lot, and agrees w/ me that he is wonderful and has eyes for no one else. He has never treated his wife like an ATM and has never been resentful that she makes more than him. Overall he's a wholesome and very supportive guy.

However this also goes back to my friends personality. She's a fiercely independent person who has long been ahead of the game career-wise among her peers. I think she's used to taking care of herself and doesn't expect someone else, even a man, to take care of her financially. I think she is kinda used to having more money than everyone else so this doesn't bother her.

But that's her personality. You have to pay close attention to your bf and how his behavior makes YOU feel. 5 months is early to say he's a HVM imo. But the best you can do is be honest with yourself about if the financial situation stayed exactly as it is forever, would you REALLY feel 100% secure in your relationship? And if the answer is no, that's okay. He may be a very nice guy, but just not the guy for you.

partypancakesbacon · 2021-08-28T21:08:04+00:00

Doesn’t ever help them to know how much more you make. Just note that you’re self sufficient. Money isn’t an issue for you, yet you’re not planning to support someone else either. That is that.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-08-28T15:25:02+00:00

Everyone else had great comments, I just want to add that if he has no ambition to better himself, his career, or secure his future, he is not a HVM. Retirement is extremely costly, medical bills are costly, how does he plan to handle old age? Not to mention without kids I imagine you want to live life to the fullest and travel is expensive. Are you just going to foot the bill every time?

It’s one thing to currently be in different income brackets but to date and continue to vet to see how he uses his ambition, discipline, and fortitude to build his career and secure his future. It’s another if he’s just content as he is, and has no plans to change. That’s incompatibility to me, and you will be on the losing end of that.

If you create a life with a partner who cannot meet you at least halfway or more in any aspect, the minute you have a set back they will not be able to give enough to help. You could suffer a horrible accident in 3 years and have a mortgage he can’t pay without working a 2nd or 3rd job. That’s not sustainable. That’s not secure.

fireforestfairy · 2021-08-28T16:34:27+00:00

I think it depends on how much you earn. If you earn US$230000 annually, then the guy is still earning a lot even if he earns half of what you earn. Both of you can live a nice lifestyle and he can still afford pampering you at nice restaurants. And yes, I think finding a guy who earns as much or more than you AND is HV is going to be tough. If what you earn is $47000 annually, then yeah, the difference is huge. It's the difference between living a decent lifestyle and living paycheck to paycheck.

Anyway, the mods here are right that marrying a guy who is less wealthy than you is risky. Where I'm from if a couple fails to agree upon how their assets should be split when they divorce, the assets of the couple gets combined and then split in half. This is one of the reasons why I am not interested in marrying someone much less wealthier than me. I have no idea what the law is like where you live so maybe things are different there.

Nobody here mentioned this but when you date a guy who is less wealthy than you, it is hard to know if he is only with you for gold digging purposes. At least when you date a guy who is around as wealthy or wealthier than you, you don't need to worry about this.

Vmchik · 2021-08-28T16:53:39+00:00

I hope you didn’t tell him how much you actually make because he could be acting so nice to get you tied to him. This doesn’t sound good and hope you’re prepared to kick him to the curb if any red flags pop up.

letsberealforamoment · 2021-08-28T15:51:09+00:00

How long have you been dating him?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-08-28T16:19:09+00:00

I wouldn't do it. If you divorce he's going to take you to the cleaners. Eventually he's going to not feel like a man and eventually you'll feel like he's not a man. I suppose he's going to stay home with the baby after you birth it and you go back to work? What happens if you get put on bed rest for your pregnancy? What if your injured during pregnancy? How are you guys going to survive?

The way I look at income where women are concerned is that whatever she earns means that she can ask for a lot higher-income from a partner.

How much do you do for him financially right now? Do you think he'd be less wonderful if this wasn't the case? How do you know he's truly high-value and he's not just playing the long game?

The long-term picture is this is going to curtail your life. You'll have less money in retirement, less money in savings, less money for vacations, less money for the house you want. Less of everything. Money is one of the top issues that cause divorce.

How do you know that if you have kids together he's not going to sit back while you do everything?

This is why on fds we don't consider even dating men who make less money. He needs to be on your level at the very least.

*I see that you said you are not planning on children, but I included some references to it for anyone else that might be reading.

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-28T17:24:51+00:00

You bought up an example of you winning the lottery and even in that you're idealizing being the one to uplevel this man's standards of living.
That's not the goal nor the reality. It sucks that money matters, but it does. Most hetero women are living at the level of standards their male partner holds. So seriously ask yourself... Would you be happy living life at the standard this man can afford forever? Would you be happy wearing a ring that he can afford on his salary? Going on vacations that he can afford to pay for (and waiting for him to save up which means maybe one nice vacay every 2-3 years)? Buying houses and cars within his budget?
If the answer is yes, great that means his standards are acceptable to you. If the answer is no, then you are setting yourself up to subsidize this man's life and you cannot be upset if that happens. Also, if he won the lottery are you fully confident that he'd choose you once his wealth granted him access to other women? I hope the answer is yes.

Pale_Jellyfish6020 · 2021-08-28T18:18:18+00:00

God they already do so little...isn't making a good living the least we can expect?

Men are super resentful when the female makes more - it might take a minute but it will happen and it will be ugly. I've tried it 3 times. Not again.

cat_realness · 2021-08-28T14:59:48+00:00

You don’t need to marry a man just because you deem him to be HVM. Part of being HV is providing especially if he wants to have children. Until men are able to get pregnant and give birth, they will need to step up and be breadwinners in order to be deemed HV. But let’s remember that people can always increase their incomes…

hensbanex · 2021-08-28T19:31:04+00:00

my partner and I make the same, but he is looking for another position with higher pay because my company has paths for me to make more, but his caps out at an amount he’s not comfortable with, so he’s trying to save now and search elsewhere while the market is good.

the key especially if you guys are younger is to see where his motivation and discipline are - does he have aspirations to have a higher earning job, does he desire the same type of lifestyle in the same budget as you, and is he making concrete progress towards those higher paying opportunities? does he have or is he actively working on things that will increase his earning potential, like certifications, trade apprenticeships, or a degree?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-08-28T14:52:44+00:00

[permanently deleted]

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-28T18:18:34+00:00

A person's financial standing, extenuating circumstances aside, implies things about their character. It tells you their level of ambition, what they're satisfied with, what risks they are willing to take. You are concerned about this for a reason.

As women we have to work twice as hard for half as much, as the old saying goes. Don't squander it.

If you are really into this guy, I think you can take a (time limited) chance and communicate that a solid couple income is very important to you, and ask him what he envisions for himself. Then see if he takes steps. Does he work toward big promotions, apply for new jobs, begin developing investment income? If not then he's happy where he's at and that's what you'd be settling for.

purasangria · 2021-08-28T18:57:13+00:00

I refuse to date men that make less than I do. It's not a good dynamic for a relationship.

hedwighedgehog99 · 2021-08-28T16:00:52+00:00

If you want a family, you need to have that financial backup and it has to be solid. If your kids have any special needs, this is critical. Be careful- If a man has no plans for retirement, then YOU are his plan: caretaker, medical costs and insurance, and finances. You'd better love your job because you will be doing it long after he "retires" from his. Both partners ideally should be able to stand on their own feet financially, including planning for retirement.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-08-28T19:08:05+00:00

Just like the pinned comment wrote - just because he might be a HVM and you like him, this doesn’t mean he’s the man for you. An easy way to not ever get into this situation is by not dating guys in careers that you know pay half of what you make.

AutoModerator · 2021-08-28T14:38:05+00:00

[1] - We Just Launched a Website: wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com. Click here for registration information. Please also join our Twitter and Instagram Pages for updates!
[2] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[3] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[4] - PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION from images (Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc). Failure to remove ID info will result in a 1-2 day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban.
[5] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

purasangria · 2021-08-28T17:27:48+00:00

[permanently deleted]

purasangria · 2021-08-28T19:05:36+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	HVM that make less than you
Author	LiquidSapphire
Upvotes	162
Comments	34
Date	August 28, 2021 2:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pdax80/hvm_that_make_less_than_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/hvm-that-make-less-than-you.1065802 https://theredarchive.com/post/1065802

Comments