Just propose already

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-08-29T16:48:19+00:00

You really need to read the handbook. This guy's telling you to your face he doesn't want you. he's not willing to put effort into you. He's not willing to commit to you. He's not willing to even show you that you're important to him, because you.

This isn't meant to be mean. At all. I'm really sorry you are in this situation. If you want your dream you're going to have to find it with a different man because this guy is not going to it to you.

VivaLaSea · 2020-08-29T16:56:17+00:00

It sounds like you’re begging this man to marry you when he has no real desire to do so.
And do you blame him? You’ve given him everything, a house, a baby, your unconditional love without him ever having to give you that ultimate commitment.
And he heard you PERFECTLY clear. You’ve told him multiple times, he’s not dumb he just doesn’t care about your feelings.
You don’t have to be romantic or an extrovert to propose. He can propose in the privacy of your home. Stop making excuses for him.
If he really loved you he’d marry you.

heliodrome · 2020-08-29T17:08:40+00:00

The only man that ever proposed to me with an actual ring was a man I had left a week before after 4 years together and no marriage in sight. I didn’t marry him and thank god.

hgd29 · 2020-08-29T17:52:07+00:00

You mention you are the driver of the relationship, but is there truly a partnership between you?

It sounds like he’s just along for the ride, and now that you’ve invested in a home and a child he is confident that you won’t leave. You’ve been VERY clear about what you want from him, he has heard you and he has outright ignored you for YEARS.

He’s comfortable and happy to stay in this state forever, if you’re not you need to leave. You already tried cOmuNiCatiNg. It hasn’t worked.

It sounds like you’re very capable of taking control of your life. It’s time to do what you need to do to be truly happy.

wavesandtea · 2020-08-29T17:15:51+00:00

So did he, like, never attend his own graduation because being the center of attention makes him anxious? Does he never have birthday parties either? That sounds like a huge dumb excuse. That just made my blood boil.

wavesandtea · 2020-08-29T18:11:22+00:00

My LV husband used the line "I want a small intimate wedding because I don't like huge crowds"... Come to find out later he is fine with crowds and thrives in them. He just wanted to save money and spend as little as possible.

If you do have an intimate wedding make sure you splurge and make it worth it. Like, "Oh I'm so glad we're doing a small intimate wedding, now we get to have top of the line everything!"

At least that's what I wish I said/did...

IntrepidStorage · 2020-08-29T20:54:44+00:00

He doesn't love you. He has positive feelings for you, but love isn't a feeling, it's a choice and an action. He chooses not to love you with his actions.

IAteTheDragon · 2020-08-30T02:40:32+00:00

If you leave him, your life will not be better overnight. You will probably not find someone better tomorrow. You may spend a very long time alone and encounter many assholes. However, you can stay with him and decide to stop being in love with him. You can get yourself super gorgeous and happy. You can take up hobbies and go places with the intention of having men flirt with you. Get yourself into a single mindset. Basically my advice is to use him as a place holder while you find your dream man because I’m devastated to tell you that is exactly what he is doing to you. He is not and most likely never was in love with you. Stop wanting to marry him. Meet someone else while you use him for convenience because he is doing the same thing to you.

ThrowingItIntoTheSea · 2020-08-29T18:04:28+00:00

Why in God's name would you have a child with a man you're not married to? Oh honey...

Check out this outline for the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others.

In their research they found this

The proposal stage

Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months.

If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish.

For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.

Do not give wifey privileges like a baby and a house to a man who is not your husband if you wish to be married. They no longer have incentive to marry you.

bye-raspberry · 2020-08-29T17:24:28+00:00

Normally I'd say you're a forever girlfriend already, but since you do have a child together and you say you are happy and enjoy life with him BUT marriage is important to you, if it were me I'd give him an ultimatum. Propose or lose me. If he still drags his feet, he doesn't care if he loses you. Drop him and find someone who values you like you should be valued.

ThrowingItIntoTheSea · 2020-08-30T13:48:17+00:00

Let me look into the crystal ball for you, and I’ll tell you what is going to happen in the future if you choose to stay with him:

You will continue to do everything- in the relationship, in the parenting of your child, in the domestics... Hans Solo. And the more you do, the further he will withdraw, because.... he can. You clearly can handle doing everything, so what incentive is there for him to participate?

This man is a passenger in his own life. He’s just along for the ride because you make it easy. Why rock the boat? He’s perfectly happy having all his needs met, living comfortably in your house, going along with your decisions. It’s easy street. He likely takes personal pride in being so “simple” for what he wants in his life... but under the surface he doesn’t want ANYTHING because he doesn’t really KNOW what he wants.

That’s not good enough, frankly. Because it is going to erode you as a woman, a mother and a human being. Ask me how I know. I was together with the same type of man for 16 years, married for 10. By the end, he was totally checked out, and I was severely clinically depressed and seething with anger. I had given 200% of myself to the relationship and our child. He could barely be bothered to look up from his computer or phone. This “harmless” and “easygoing” man nearly killed my entire spirit and soul with his utterly directionless life.

It is NOT NORMAL to not want “something”. It is not normal to be lacking dreams and ideas about the future. If your dream is to pack groceries at a grocery store until the day you retire- then thank f*ck, at least THAT is a dream. It’s far better than the answer of, “I don’t know” or “there’s nothing I really want, I’m fine with this”.

Get out. Just get out.

Walking away from a relationship where nothing on the surface is really all that wrong is the hardest situation to leave. You could stay. You could stay your entire life. But at what cost? The resentment of being the driver 100% of the time will put you into a parent-child dynamic and your sex life will also go right out the window (if it hasn’t already). Find yourself, then eventually find someone else who has a vision for what they want in their life. You and your child deserve someone who participates with excitement and energy in your lives as a team. Not you alone at air traffic control.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-30T15:55:53+00:00

He got you to play house with him, readily available sex and a child, all for the price of NO RING. He’s had over 6 years to do it, but no motivation to do it, as the situation is extremely comfortable and favorable for him. Just make peace with the fact that your dude has no intention on ever marrying you and, if that’s really important to you, break up and just move on with your life already!

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-30T17:28:21+00:00

Read the post in the Handbook 'If he has to be dragged, leave him behind.'

It will tell you everything you need to know.

heythere360 · 2020-08-29T17:58:23+00:00

If you want to be with him don’t expect to be married.

You already have a child and a house with this man. You made these decisions unwed. If everything else is as good as you describe it, I don’t think it would be that fair to uproot your daughter just because you’re finally coming to terms with the truth that has been truthfully expressed for years.

He doesn’t want to marry you and he never will. If things are good I’d try to work it out. Two good parents raising your kid is better than one. I’m the meantime build your own capital and make sure you have enough money to support you and your child should he leave.

Men who don’t want to marry the mother of their children are one foot in and one foot out. Their chill with the status quo but they don’t feel confident that the marriage will last. Best course of action is to adopt the same mind set and make your moves.

If he’s a good father and a good person like you describe, I’d just say you accept the truth and stay with him so he can raise his child. When the kids older and you feel confident enough to be on your own you can choose to leave (you can always choose to leave). But I’m thinking of the baby and the reality that you knew what it was the whole time.

It’s not fair to have kids and buy a house with a man who told you he doesn’t want to get married from the start and then act surprised year after year. He’s being honest with him and yourself. You’re the only one lying to yourself year after year.

You need to accept it in your heart and make your own decisions from here.

wavesandtea · 2020-08-29T23:59:05+00:00

This is like my 3rd comment (hehe, I just can’t get this out of my head) but here is what real effort looks like:

The last episode on Netflix’s show “Love on the Spectrum” there’s an autistic couple. The guy, despite his (scientific) social anxiety wants to give his girlfriend everything she thought she couldn’t have. He takes her ON VACATION AND sings her a song ON TV and proposes to her.

nycgirlhere · 2020-08-29T17:43:30+00:00

You should watch Steve Harvey, look up his relationship advice on YouTube or read his book Think Like a Man...

havingababypenguin · 2020-08-29T16:59:24+00:00

What would motivate him to propose? You said life is sweet. You have a house. You have a child. He isn't going to marry you. Leave him or lower your standards.

Just propose already

Comments

I agree with you that if she can afford it, she should go, and I also agree that the child should come first.

If mother and child will have a similar quality of life, why bother having the father around?

If they can manage an amicable split where both parents are involved, the child is cared for, and both parents are financially independent, then it's in the child's best interest that they do so.

Title	Just propose already
Author	wonderwall07
Upvotes	15
Comments	41
Date	August 29, 2020 3:58 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iiuspw/just_propose_already/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/just-propose-already.211804 https://theredarchive.com/post/211804