Ladies, I need your help.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-05-16T05:14:57+00:00

Don't date this guy. There are multiple red flags here, the fact he is a police officer, he has no friends, his ex-wife is supposedly crazy according to him, and the fact that he's giving you in-depth details about his last relationship.

All of the details he's giving you also leads me to believe that you have given him lots of details. Don't be sharing your mess with someone you're trying to date. Don't talk about the in-depth details of your past abusive relationship when you haven't even been on a first date with someone. It's messy and that's for therapy not for predate conversations or for early dating conversations.

Even beyond the multiple red flags here with this guy, it doesn't sound like you are ready to be dating. I would suggest counseling if you can get someone to talk to or support group. I do/have done both and they are great. Also check out the handbook in our about section, it has so many great posts linked and books recs. Good luck!

*I would also like to add that police officers are four times more likely to be physically abusive to their partners. Average pop numbers are 10%, that makes 40% of cops physical abusers. The study is easily searchable on google. Be very careful with police.

blessedwiththree · 2021-05-16T06:03:51+00:00

I'm so sorry that you have experienced a relationship with domestic violence. Before you start dating, please attend counseling (if you aren't already). Abuse takes such a toll on us and can make us even more susceptible to picking another abusive partner or even just putting up with less than we deserve and accepting crumbs of affection from an unsuitable partner.

I am the ex-wife of a police officer. He was married previously to what he told me was a "crazy ex". I hadn't been married before and didn't have any long term relationship experience. I stupidly believed him and didn't question all of his statements about her or her actions. In fact, I'm embarrassed to say I even felt sad for him, protective of him and disliked her (even without meeting her). I now know that was him triangulating. He love bombed me and was exactly what I wanted in the beginning. He played the victim and my hero/put me on a pedestal. He appeared to be everything I needed when I needed it and when I did see the mask slip it was too late. I was suceptible because of my upbringing with an emotionally unavailable and abusive father. I thought it was a whirlwind romance, but it was typical of a relationship with a narcissist (however, he is the covert type). I dealt with infidelity, lies, emotional abuse, alcoholism and he discarded me twice (I left the second time). He punched holes in the walls and gaslit me constantly. Everything was my fault. Then he would be nice again and I would believe that he was just stressed or that it was my fault. I believed the nice person was really him and that the bad behaviors were from his previous marriage and upbringing.

When he left the second time (my youngest was 4 months old). I immediately sought counseling to work through my childhood and why I took him back/allowed the behavior/was so suceptible to his behaviors. I now have great self esteem and an awareness of what I expect in a future relationship. I block and delete like no one's business. I think it's likely I will remarry IF I meet a HVM. If I don't, then I will not remarry or be in a romantic relationship. A bad relationship or even a mediocre one will never be worth it to me, now that I have seen both sides. I have a much easier time now and I'm so much happier, even with three children under 6 alone.

Go with your gut on this one and cut him loose. At this point until you work through your trauma and fix your self esteem you are at risk of exploitation from predatory individuals. I know it's hard now, but you will get through this and you will come out on top!

Platipus6 · 2021-05-16T06:23:32+00:00

Sounds like an abuser who's big mad he lost his punching bag and is looking for a new victim. You sound perfect because you stayed with a guy for 6 years.

Don't forget, when an abuser isolates someone so completely, they're usually also isolated along with her. Gotta keep an eye on her and not let witnesses come over. He has a ton of spare time and he'll want to be all up in your business.

Please firmly solidify your social life and support system before you date again, and be extremely cautious of men with no friends who have spare time to be up your ass and cutting you off from your friends.

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-05-16T06:39:08+00:00

I’ve recently come out of an domestic violence relationship (6 years long)

I am emotionally a mess

You should not be dating right now. Even if this man wasn't a series of walking red flags, which he is, you are not ready to date. You need to focus on yourself, you most likely need to be in therapy. Now is the time for you to do some introspective work; dating while not over your ex will only end up in disaster and in you falling in the same traps, which you will do if you pursue anything with this man.

this nagging feeling that it’s all an act.

This is your intuition warning you, heed what it says. You already know this man is trouble and presenting and charming front, only to better con you. Don't ignore yourself. Men come and go, but you can't break up with yourself, you'll always be with you, so treat yourself as the one who matters the most, because you do.

companyofwolves · 2021-05-16T05:17:50+00:00

He's a cop, he has an ex he calls "crazy", you found him on OLD.

Three strikes, he's out.

souredskittles · 2021-05-16T05:45:20+00:00

The fact that you have a nagging feeling should be enough. We are usually right.

🚩 says ex was controlling and nuts (wonder what kind of shit he put her through)

🚩 cop

🚩 can not maintain relationships ( no friends/family)

⛔️ your gut is telling you to run

I feel like you are not in the right headspace right now to fully grasp everything he’s putting out. But as an outsider - Please run sis, run!

Marty_McFly_9021 · 2021-05-16T05:27:42+00:00

🛑 🚩 ✋!!!!!!

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-05-16T08:50:40+00:00

Please always listen to your gut when it comes to men. Don’t give this guy a chance, any guy that calls his ex crazy is most likely the one with issues himself that caused her to react that way in the first place.

Also please don’t read all our advice then proceed to ignore it and give him a chance anyway. I promise it doesn’t end well.

Focus on yourself and focus on healing. You are likely to attract other lvm’s when you’re not at your best because they sense these things like the depraved beings they are. Please walk away x

RussianCat26 · 2021-05-16T10:58:10+00:00

THATS MY EX! THROW HIM BACK IN THE TRASH!!

but forreal, If his name is Dave, he is not HV. Get off bumble. He is playing you.

RocketBish · 2021-05-16T05:33:23+00:00

Your instincts are likely right, if it feels wrong, it is wrong. If you are just out of an abusive relationship and feel like an emotional mess, I would say take the time to do self-care and seek counseling to deal with trauma before even considering a partner. It is possible that you are exceptionally vulnerable and could be at risk for entering another abusive relationship. It is a red flag that he has no social life, reminds you of your ex in very specific ways and is using the whole "crazy ex" story which is discussed a lot here. Abuse is cyclical and it's well known that victims sometimes seek out those patterns. Here are some articles that might interest you and be a good start for researching your situation and areas to be aware of. Best of luck!

https://kutv.com/news/local/40-of-police-officer-families-experience-domestic-violence-study-says

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201601/trauma-survivors-risk-future-abusive-relationships

BasieSkanks · 2021-05-16T07:21:58+00:00

I agree with everything that has been said. One thing I would like to add is to always trust your intuition. Do not give a man you have just met the benefit of the doubt if your gut is telling you something is off with him. Your intuition is telling you that this man is dangerous. I would recommend you read 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker.

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-05-16T08:44:35+00:00

You shouldn't be dating in the first place.

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-05-16T06:32:48+00:00

My first husband was a police officer, It was a horrible experience, he was very controlling, I found his attitude towards women and most (not all) of his colleagues attitudes towards women, to be repugnant. I wouldn't trust a police officer as far as I could throw them, many are mysoginistic, authoritarian, controlling and narcissistic. I was basically groomed by him when I was 19 and he was 10 years older.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-05-16T12:03:43+00:00

So many red flags he’s his own parade. ALWAYS LISTEN to those “niggling feelings”. It’s your subconscious picking up on danger signs.

stormy-serenity · 2021-05-16T16:39:14+00:00

Do not date a police officer!!! There is literally a 50% chance that he would physically assault you, police officers are notorious abusers/low value men.

staywiththecrown · 2021-05-16T17:25:15+00:00

I'm glad you're trusting your instincts and blocking him! You need to do that more often and take time to heal. Don't even date right now. Abusive men can smell out abuse survivors, so they'll be approaching you when you're still vulnerable.

I dated a loser scrote who gave me a bad feeling no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I looked him up, and I found out he was a sex offender 🤡 I confronted him, and he told me he was going to tell me after I fell in love with him so I wouldn't leave him. He had had no remorse for his actions whatsoever.

millrice · 2021-05-16T10:50:42+00:00

You haven't given out your address to him have you? Remember a post some days back here where a cop stalked a woman for days after being told a no and she was scared like anyone would be. Trust your gut!

Title	Ladies, I need your help.
Author	AlthaeaNailo
Upvotes	84
Comments	45
Date	May 15, 2021 11:54 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ndbt8q/ladies_i_need_your_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ladies-i-need-your-help.756729 https://theredarchive.com/post/756729

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