Navigating the FDS as a WOC

backforbeskar · 2021-10-23T20:28:47+00:00

Being south asian. EVERYTHING about men from my culture irks me. I don’t even need to get past 15 minutes of conversation with an Indian guy to find evidence of LVM misogyny oftentimes combined with racism and porn sickness. They are obsessed with white women/light skinned women so you will forever be measured against women you can never genetically look like. But they all have a serious madonna-whore complex so they intensely lust after white women but don’t consider them wife-material. These men will marry indian women and then spend their lives chasing white women in the form of affairs, strippers, prostitutes and sometimes straight up rape/assault.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-10-23T21:36:14+00:00

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sleepysiri · 2021-10-23T21:00:36+00:00

Fetish. I am a fetish. My literal nickname by some pornsick losers in college was Arabian Beauty. I’m not even Arab.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-10-23T19:50:18+00:00

The dating scene is alright. I feel I have to navigate an additional layer of ick, since some gross, NVM Target my ethnic group because they think we’re submissive.

It’s an immediate turn off when a man finds out my ethnic background and spouts something in my native language. It comes across as very PUA.

LVM/NVM also have the audacity to act as if they know more about my culture than I do. They never stop to consider the effect of colonization, and why some people have, over generations, distanced themselves in an attempt to survive.

On the bright side, things like this provide another immediate measure to the vetting process.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-10-23T23:58:02+00:00

It’s notable that you didn’t mention white men but focused on men from our communities. I actually find (First World) men of color to be much better partners than white men. I understand that this is not the case for everyone and that many men of color are way more anti-black, etc, so there’s issues that make our experiences different.

I’m Latina. My experience is that I don’t want to date white men anymore. I am not your JLo, bro, thanks. I had a LTR with a white man and found that it was actually much worse in hindsight because it was so insidious. Brown men are much more up-front about their values (misogynistic or otherwise). White men have fine-tuned their communication so much that decades could pass by with his racism going under the radar. All of a sudden, his bestie posts “Blue Lives Matter” on FB and you are perplexed to find out he never talked to his besties about this issue. Say what? You went to multiple protests with me, shouting at the top of your lungs, and never bothered to bring this up with people you exposed me to???

I also dated a couple of Muslim men, and ohhh my. People are really posing as liberal and having all sorts of rooted misogynistic beliefs.

Anyone else think First World brown/Black men tend to be the best all-around? I’ve heard this a lot from my Asian friends about ABCs and others.

IworshipKalikadevi · 2021-10-24T07:41:53+00:00

As an Indian woman, Indian men are the absolute worst. So many points come to mind:

They are never self sufficient or independent because the entire society coddles them. Imagine neckbeards but it's actually socially acceptable to be a recluse reliant on your parents well into your 30's.
They view women as property and have a very strong madonna/whore complex. Every woman who isn't their mother/daughter/wife is a sl$t
In my community, a woman who dates or has male friends is seen as "no character" and shunned.
They have crazy expectations on women like light skin, good job, soft spoken while they look like troglodytes.

I honestly don't even see any positives with dating Indian men. To woc (and any woman honestly) I'd advise you to stay away from them because HVM Indian men are very rare due to societial factors.

Healthyfdslearnings · 2021-10-24T04:15:52+00:00

East Asian-American dating strategy: the SECOND a guy mentions Japan, anime, or any generalization about Asia, I'm outta there. No time for exceptions to racists in these hobbies, the risk is too high.

I expect his parents to be very liberal, and if anyone says something racist, I expect him to speak up against it and check in with me later too.

If a guy mentions anything about me being quiet, demure, smart etc. before I've actually done anything to demonstrate those qualities (some of which I don't have), I'm outta there. No time for you to project on me, boy.

I expect his friend group to reflect the diversity of where he lives. NYC and no POC friends? You have to be actively avoiding non-white folks to get that.

I listen to how he talks about international travel. Does he often make sweeping generalizations about people? Does he try to educate me on my own culture?

I watch how he treats my family who isn't as strong in English. Is he patient without being performative about it? Is he enthusiastic about meeting up repeatedly?

Oh, and I expect any guy who wants to marry me to learn my second language, if he doesn't know it, at least to a basic conversation level. Not only is this meaningful to me and communicating with my family, I believe this will be a strong demonstration to any kids we have about how much we value my culture and how seriously we expect them to be proud of it.

arwenagon24999 · 2021-10-23T20:16:39+00:00

Once (pre-FDS days) had a man make me speak in my native language on our first date. I counted to 10 like I was making conversation and he went "wow that's so sexy." 🤮Total PUA type too, looking back.

arwenagon24999 · 2021-10-23T21:37:57+00:00

Personally if I’m interested in a white guy I look to see if he has friends of color. I don’t know what it is, but I tend to avoid dating ones who don’t.

Odd_Consideration861 · 2021-10-23T21:33:06+00:00

I live in a place where there are far more white men than any other race. I have dated a few white men, all turned out to be LVM not because they're white but for reasons specific to them as individuals. However, what I have found to be common in my interracial dating experiences is the whole "I don't see colour" narrative, but slowly they reveal some problematic thoughts which, when you call them out, they will argue against your experiences as if they've faced racism themselves. One guy dared to say he knows what I go through because he's Mediterranean living in Northern Europe and has apparently experienced his definition of racism 🙄

I agree with an earlier comment about some men fetishizing WOC, but I find it fairly easy to pick them out. They say dumb shit like how much they love your skin, or your hair or accent or language. And they sometimes bash women of their own race.

What irks me about black men? Them upholding eurocentric beauty standards, wanting to be with white women as if it's an accomplishment while treating black women as something to settle for. They also show colourism, preferring lighter skinned black women with looser hair textures.

As a WOC, I would say all FDS strategy and advice applies to all races. I haven't had to adjust anything because of my background. I love the women of this community and I've learned so much! I'm so thankful!

_cnz_ · 2021-10-24T08:53:19+00:00

As a darkskinned West African women it sucks. I don't get a lot of attention but when I do its from typically non black men and women who are quite obsessive and fetishize me. This only started to happen during the wave of African models becoming more globally recognized (think Anok Yoi, Adut Aketch, Mayowa Nicholas) in the past 10 years. It doesn't help that I am petite and look very similar to models, so Im compared to them a lot. I've gotten stalked, harassed, and assaulted a lot in public so I tend to stay home now. It's a weird phenomenon as the beauty norm in my area is Asian, specifically Vietnamese and/or Filipino, with lots of issues surrounding antiblackness.

West African men (typically immigrants or those from a mixed ancestry) tend to be manipulative liars with financial issues so I avoid them like the plague. However I am open to dating West African men who are first generation American.

To protect myself in general, I vet non-black men to more rigorous standards to weed out for fetishizers (idk if this is a word lol). I'd rather get played by a black man than to be duped by someone who had a kink for black women honestly. In general, I date first generation men of color from cultures without antiblackness or men who are half black. I can't have sex so it also helps with vetting as well. All in all, I play a long game to which those with fetishes tend to duck when they don't get what they want.

Peak_Tree · 2021-10-24T22:23:42+00:00

I'm on my homeland so I'm the default and have not had to deal with the fetish side of dating. I'm also weary of foreigners that come here looking for a girlfriend (Some have entire blogs talking about coming to latin america to fuck around as much as they can. In the best cases that means them getting poor women as mail order brides, in the worst means pedos coming here to r*pe little girls).

bitchwithstandards · 2021-10-24T21:00:00+00:00

Made a new account and turned off my DMs because I would get massive hate for this lol, but I’m an East Asian woman who’s never dated or slept with an East Asian man.

BUT: it’s not my choice! No East Asian man has ever asked me out! It’s a bit unfortunate, because men in my culture are taught to chase, but they generally don’t find me attractive because I’m tall and thick and curvy. I get much more attention from other men of color, followed by white men, followed by women of all races (I’m bi and currently dating a woman).

On this topic, I have never come across a woman with an East Asian fetish. (Fetishizing does exist among wlw, especially white women fetishizing Black lesbians, which is gross — but on the whole it’s less common among women.)

I’ve received attention from East Asian women so I KNOW it’s not that East Asians finds tall thick women unattractive, just men. I don’t dwell on it, nor am I bothered by it, but I find it extremely ironic when Asian men complain about Asian women dating white men (always a red flag — shows entitlement), while flaunting stringent and rigid preferences for what Asian women should look like.

Trickier still, I want someone who is curious and knowledgeable about my culture but not a weeb and fetishist. Ideally my partner would speak my mother tongue so that they can communicate with my parents and grandparents and teach it to my child. But it’s easier than you think — I have met several men who speak my language, have taken a couple classes about my country’s history, and aren’t weird about it.

I still admire the male generosity in my culture. I receive it from my gay friends, actually, who take me out to dinner and treat me like a queen (a useful standard for any man who tries to date me).

West_Zone · 2021-10-23T22:59:19+00:00

I'm mixed race, but look racially ambiguous which clearly affects the way people (especially men) treat me. I feel like men put me on a pedestal. I have very "stereotypically" female interests, but am a huge fan of one specific sports club. Being a WOC who is a fan of sports (lmao as if these things are special or abnormal!! 😭) makes a lot of men put me on a pedestal and give me the classic "I'm not like other girls!" speech. This upsets me because I feel like they don't see me as a real person. They only care about the fact that I look different from other women in our area and have what is to them a "different" hobby (even tho it's mainstream as fuck??).

As I'm mixed race, I would prefer to date a guy who also has a mixed race background. Not someone with the exact same ethnicity (ethnicities? lol) as me, just someone who knows what being mixed race is like. However, I live in a very homogenous and small country, so I feel like meeting a man like that is very hard simply because most people here are white. I don't have a preference, but both [monoracial] men of colour and white men objectify me because I look "exotic". 🤡

I'm attracted to men of all races, but I think it's most likely that I'll end up dating a white guy. It's quite easy to weed out the one's who objectify me because I'm a WOC as they tend to say inappropriate things quite early in a convo. When it comes to white guys who seem normal, I usually try to see what kind of friends they have and how they feel about topics like immigration and racial slurs. And if they actively take a stand against racism.

Again, I would love to date someone who also has a multiracial background, but meeting someone like that in my city seems almost impossible.

Title	Navigating the FDS as a WOC
Author	freudianipslip69
Upvotes	179
Comments	32
Date	October 23, 2021 7:49 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qe0fkv/navigating_the_fds_as_a_woc/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/navigating-the-fds-as-a-woc.1082301 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082301

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