OPEN Q&A THREAD FOR MEN: Explain to FDS what a rapist looks, talks, and acts like. Also provide a full proof way to know they’re not safe to be alone with before you’re actually alone. [Trigger Warning]

IrbissItuin · 2019-12-31T08:40:46+00:00

You can't tell, there is no foolproof and universally applicable method to do so (even if you think you know the person well), since everyone is different and the red flags can show themselves in vastly different forms or not at all.

an0nny · 2019-12-31T13:37:01+00:00

My first rapist was tall, bald and husky. He forced my head down on his dick while I cried. The second was tall, thin and mexican. He was my boyfriend. We ended up with a daughter. The third was short, only 5'4, and built like a model. Also boyfriend. I woke up to him fucking me more times than I can even count. The fourth was tall, thin, and shy and quiet. Also boyfriend.... Took nudes of me while I slept, fucked me and touched me in my sleep... And the other two rapists drugged me so I don't know who they are.

They're all capable of it. Any man could do this if the situation presented itself correctly and he thought he wouldn't get caught. Don't trust any men.

acceptedintegrated · 2019-12-31T14:59:50+00:00

All men are socialized to rape, as it is the primary way we are taught in male supremacy culture to perform our sex and differentiate maleness from not maleness. The chapter on rapist ethics in this book: Refusing to be a Man: Essays on Social Justice https://g.co/kgs/MM1t8x goes into it in much more detail.

Clearly the argument from men than women should be able to tell who's a rapist is a con to deflect from the fact that we all are. IMO, the most effective way to reduce individual risk is to learn as much as you can about how we are socialized into a culture of male supremacy, and how to spot the men that have done the work to heal from that trauma. Not being willing to date the porn sick or otherwise sex addicted is a good start.

This book, especially the part about how men get caught up in eroticising our unprocessed trauma is helpful in learning to identify the pathos and spot it in the wild. To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power https://g.co/kgs/ZLBZJr

Personally (as a bisexual man, and if I'm ever ready to date again) I can't imagine being willing to date a man unless he's made recovery from this his top priority, and has already done a significant amount of transformational work. Men who have not done this work are virtually guaranteed to transmit their pain to those closest to them

mlhender · 2019-12-31T13:40:09+00:00

These are some of the commonalities and signs I tell my daughters to look out for (this is not a 100% accurate method nor is it an exhaustive list). Some of these are from my personal experience in college dorms and some from this NY Times article.

Alcohol. Of all the commonalities, this is the most common. They will want their targets to engage in heavy drinking. This should always and immediately spark a major red flag.
They, generally speaking, are narcissists.
They have a belief in “rape myths” — they would agree with this statement: "no means yes"
They will use hostile language towards women in general. They might say agree with these statements: "getting back at these women", or "I was repaying her for sexually arousing me."
Men in high school or the first couple of years of college are the most likely age group to cross a line with someone they know for the first time. Therefore, these are the age groups to be most suspicious of when warning signs or red flags appear. Again, be very careful with alcohol with these age groups.
They may, or may not, commit other crimes. Sexual assault "specialists" may actually not do any other type of crime - there is no correlation.
When confronted, they will not express remorse, confusion, or even concern for the victim. They will believe they have done anything wrong, nor that they are the problem.

Thank you for this opportunity as I hope to learn more here from others to help me better coach my oldest daughter who will be heading off to college in a year.

Tarsiustarsier · 2019-12-31T08:59:06+00:00

I am not sure there is a way to be completely certain and I am probably not more qualified to answer this question, than any of you.

Either way my suggestion would be: A rapist probably doesn't have a lot of empathy towards his victims and that might show in his behavior. He might want to proceed faster than you are prepared for, he might touch you without your consent and he might show a general lack of care for your or other women's problems.

As for a way to avoid being alone with a rapist: -take your time to get to know someone

-trust your guts, if something doesn't feel right take it extra slow or stay away from him completely

-stay away from guys who are not empathetic towards women in general or yourself and from guys who don't respect your boundaries

headphones9 · 2019-12-31T15:51:56+00:00

Some people I've noticed are more likely to be rapists

The mentally retarded. A lot of them are total creeps and when my sister was 13 she workes at a haunted house and this 20something year old guy who was full blown mentally retarded (idk his diagnoses or I would use that term) got kicked out for creeping on her and other young girls.

Guys who sell themselves as the "weak beta male" types. Gavib McInnes called this type out of Joe Rogan like 5 years ago, and said he had "specific comedians" in mind but would not name names. Then Louis C.K. and Aziz Ansari happened

Guys who commit other acts of violence. If he is willing to physically assault a man not in self-defense he may be willing to sexually assault a woman, tho certainly not always.

Guys with no jobs, guys with very low paying jobs, guys with unstable employment, basically anyone exhibiting symptoms of NPD or ASPD

Guys who pressure you or undermine you

Guys who try to get you alone

Guys who love bomb you

Guys who feel entitled

Guys who sell drugs

Guys who take drugs

Guys with face tats

Guys who have cheated in the past

Guys who verbally say over and over how good they are

YOUTH PASTORS - STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOUTH PASTORS.

If you want to know more about recognizing patterns of predators a good book is "The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker"

Also, because rapists are so hard to spot, it is important to take charge of your own safety. Learning to handle and shoot a pistol and carrying it everywhere is your safest bet if you're in the USA. But if you're not comfortable with that pepper spray, a tazer, or those cat ears can help as well.

Also predators have a sixth sense about who will be an easy victim. Tell yourself right now that if anyone tries it with you that they won't make it out unscathed. That you're willing to fight back, and that you're going to immediately go to the hospital and get a rape kit done, and then go to the police. And probably contact an advocacy group in the area if the police are dismissive.

Also if you do get assaulted don't blame yourself for being weak. Maybe that last part about mentality won't work for women (tho i think it will help), but that is based on my experience as a man dealing with other men threatening to kick my ass. Usually other guys, even guys who probably could kick my ass back down if I look them dead in the eye unafraid. Even if they can kick my ass is it worth it to them to take a few hard blows to the face? Probably not because they're looking for an easy victim.

DefBurning · 2019-12-31T08:33:08+00:00

The people who say you should "know who the rapists are" just aren't aware of themselves. They're too immature. If you've heard of the idea of "Will vs Representation" then its similar to that.

(I'm going to explain it for anyone who doesn't get the reference, feel free to skip this paragraph) The idea of W. vs R. Is that people constantly struggle to properly communicate, by matching what they say (representation) to what they mean (will). If they tell their SO to "smile more" they may mean to express concern. What they don't realise is that they Represented their concern in a way that sounds sexist and dismissive.

The guys who say that stuff are mad because they were mistaken for the rapists. They mean well, but they don't phrase it properly and end up creeping others out. They just haven't grown up enough to see the other persons perspective.

I agree with you that its impossible to tell. All you can do is be cautious or carry mace or somethin. Your post made it sound like you were upset, forgive me if I'm wrong, but i hope everything's ok

mandoa_sky · 2019-12-31T15:40:01+00:00

mine was my landlord, so...

all ladies, only agree to rent somewhere if your landlord is a lady...

datfishd00d · 2019-12-31T23:21:08+00:00

I have a "trick", as in, if a guy says this, I'll RUN for my fucking life.

If he SUDDENLY brings up that he is a good guy, and who has defended women from being sexually abused before, with 0 context. Run. First time that happened, the guy raped me when i got at his house. Second time, the guy guilty tripped me and tried to coerce me into sex (didn't happen).

Also, if they admit to having forced women before or being too pushy "but now they've changed". Nope.

Shabalon · 2019-12-31T08:43:45+00:00

That super friendly guy who wants to know about your life

andy_el_gato · 2019-12-31T13:59:15+00:00

You cant know from looks but I would guess rapist are resentful men who are not successful with women. I think some men try so hard to be too nice at first with a woman and that can be a red flag if he stops being nice as you get to know him. I do think that some of the stratergies that are discussed on this subreddit are very useful to prevent being stuck with a rapist which are usually crap men. They usually abuse power and dont respect the women around them. I have seen that its easier to take advantage of women who are not aware of possible bad intentions and so knowing about the possibility of a potential rapist is a great defense mechanism for women. If you want extra insurance, you can always arm yourself with pepperspray, knife, gun, tazer, etc. and train in order to ensure your safety.

Rape is terrible and I hope the victims get the help they need.

nasuits90 · 2019-12-31T14:29:23+00:00

You can’t. End of story.

Nori_Zekken · 2019-12-31T17:27:55+00:00

Well this is an odd question without a definitive answer. You can’t tell what a person’s true intentions are just based solely off appearance. Verbal actions can be taken out of context or misread and so can physically actions, however though some actions raise eyebrows*, but unless you can read minds, the nice and friendly home room teacher could be the one you need to avoid and not the creepy looking, fatass baldy on the train ride home.

As for a way to be safe, just arm yourself with a handheld, concealable weapon, like pepper spray or a small bladed weapon (depends on what blade is considered legal based on your home state laws and how big it can be), and always have a buddy system with you if you get weird vibes from a person.

*Actions that may signal alarm could range from unwanted touching and grabbing, frequent vulgar comments made to you, or physical force, etc

Sinnerman1122 · 2019-12-31T11:37:12+00:00

Honestly I'm really not sure apart from regular red flags such as manipulation threats and sociopathic tendencies I dont think it's possible to predict but I'm pretty sure once you've known someone for a while you'll have a gut feeling alerting you to danger.

finalbosskitten · 2019-12-31T19:28:54+00:00

Girl here. I think they're mostly liars or trying to degrade/blame women. Apparently many rapists look like regular men and can be "nice". Though bias speaking: when I see them mug shotted they usually look kinda more off then other mug shotted men. Might be media bias, idk. https://www.nsopw.gov/en/ if you wanna eyeball sex offenders. There's also statistics-for-thought; 56% of men are married, but the last statistic taken in a census seems to put rapists at about 25%~ married men. Not that important, just found it interesting.

Relatively, it's non-intimate acquaintances that are the highest offenders (though intimate ones or exes at just 6% below at 33%). Over 30 year old women, the offenders tend to more likely be strangers. It's already been surveyed that many men (almost half? not sure) would commit rape if there were no consequences, and it's not an uncommon fetish, so you can't really trust what's going through their heads either.

Be weary if he tries posturing/virtuesignalling but never doing any good, also avoid disheveled, ungroomed/dirty men in general. No alcohol/open drinks. No unempathetic men. This isn't a "get comfy with other men" thing though. Just make sure you avoid being alone in a private space with male acquaintances, cut them off if they seem to want you and they're single+you don't want to date them. Many girls have an appeasement issue--and even if your female friend is doomed to be Pickmeisha, you should still try to inform her. Make sure any man you're with is patient sexually and doesn't react angrily if you (either purposefully or accidentally out of fear) blue ball him or want to wait for sex.

Maybe we need to discuss psychology here and gather the perception of rapists from their victims and data that involves their character and traits...like this: girl in India (I believe she was raped) ended up making it her thesis and interviewed many rapists. X

Her interviews reinforced the views that rapists had a poor opinion of women in general, but their utter lack of remorse came as a surprise to her.

The one exception, a rapist of a 5 year old, solely showed remorse because he took her virginity, therefore, she's "worthless." Noted that it was a myth that women that get raped put themselves in bad situations. Moreover, I noticed something that fit into my prior theories:

But she did say she saw a pattern of "cognitive distortion"

So...when the woman "acts out of line", like defends herself against attackers, etc., it's her fault she gets beat.

"With few exceptions, the murderers clearly blamed themselves for their crimes, (understanding how they destroyed lives). This was not the case with the rapists.".... They tried to justify their crimes.

They basically refused to take accountability in some way and blamed everything on women. Yup. This is India...but, tbh, I see this pattern with men pretty frequently here, whether or not they're rapists, feeling more outrage against the rape victim than the perp, etc., even in cases where they know nothing. I've seen dudes refer to how a minority of men get falsely accused and use that as proof all women are harpies and rape is a joke. It's...a bit insane.

I'd say pay attention to this all, watch for signs of sociopaths that put on masks, take notes about how the dudes around you act in terms of remorse and accountability. They can virtuesignal/lie, though I'd say when put through rage, frustration, a bumpy time, etc...pay close attention. When they do immoral wrong, do they scramble for excuses?

Also, this isn't me saying that rapists can be labeled or that a woman is accountable for whether or not she gets raped.

dackaroo · 2019-12-31T21:18:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

friendly-thing · 2019-12-31T13:44:38+00:00

I just found this subreddit through that front page post about how you shouldn't be with a guy who wouldn't be there for you in an emergency. It was filled with women commenting about guys they were dating who wouldn't even visit them in the hospital.

It makes me think the problem isn't so much these super sneaky guys who are able to act like total gentlemen until they suddenly reveal themselves as rapists, as much as it is a case of not having strong boundaries and willingness to overlook red flags.

Cooper720 · 2019-12-31T20:00:40+00:00

You can’t. Anyone who claims you can know for sure has no idea what they are talking about.

That being said...

This is a big reason why I think quick coffee/drink dates in broad daylight are a much better idea for a first time meeting them than a full dinner. Even better if it’s in or near a busy transit hub with lots of people around. Even better than that is if you are on your way to class/work/see friends after so you are both aware right from the start there is a short time frame and if anything about him makes you uncomfortable you have a built in reason to say you have to get going.

The problem with a dinner date being the first meet up, and even worse if you let him pick the turf, is that it’s more likely you are going to feel obligated to stay if you have already ordered food. Not just that but generally it is less well lit, less foot traffic around you and if you go out onto the street after and it’s dark out with less people the guy could follow you.

jdc5294 · 2019-12-31T19:23:07+00:00

I keep seeing men on reddit repeat this idea that somehow women are supposed to “know” who the rapists are and “know” which situations are dangerous.

I don’t think this is true.

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