Patterns Of Thinking And Behavior Often Displayed By Narcissists

There was a request for more sections and red flags for abusive partners, especially when it comes to narcissistic partners, but I ran out of characters for the last post. HERE IS PART 2 - NARC EDITION

CLICK HERE FOR PART 1

Once again if you see your partner exhibiting any of these traits PLEASE RUN. It is not worth the emotional damage caused by long term abuse. If you have any questions feel free to message me or comment below. Sadly, I'm pretty experienced with this subject.

SIGNS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Gaslighting

Gaslighting uses 5 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. When you speak up about an issue, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and annoyance of their own. It causes the victim to question their own emotions and sanity and, over time, the victim becomes insecure and unsure of themselves.

• Me: "You said you were going to take out the trash and put your clothes away while I was at work" Him: "I never said that" Me: "Yeah, I asked you earlier and you said ok" Him: "You must have said it while I was gaming I don't remember that. You have to make sure I'm paying attention when you ask me to do something"
• "You were the one that wanted to do polyamory, you started all of this" (absolutely not, he had been talking about threesomes and poly within the first year of our marriage and pushed the idea on me)
• "You're getting your relationship advice from someone that doesn't know anything. Your friends are just going to take your side, you shouldn't listen to them."
• "Yeah, I did X, Y, and Z to her, but I told you about it after and I didn't c*m so we can work through this. I don't know why you're so upset about it, I wish I didn't tell you what I did, then you wouldn't be upset. Hey, you hurt my feelings 4 years ago when you did X and I forgave you for it."
• "I can't give you space to cool off when we're fighting cause it feels like you're ignoring me and hurts my feelings. We need to work things out now" (usually saying this while yelling and then it would push me into having a panic attack)

Isolation

To get away with their reign of terror and manipulation, the narcissist will seek to isolate their victim and drive a wedge between you and your family and friends. Narcissists need to shrink your world for them to maintain control over their victims.

• Moved to a different state multiple times
• Anytime I would make friends and start to gain a support system he would criticize them and put them down and make me question my relationship with them
• Talked sh*t about my family and turned me against them multiple times

Triangulation

Triangulation refers to a specific behavior that can come up within a two-person conflict. This tactic can show up in nearly any type of relationship between friends, family members, romantic partners, or even coworkers.

• Compared me to his ex and talked about his ex quite often
• Used posts on reddit saying his biased version of a fight we would have and showed me people's responses to his posts
• Used polyamory to triangulate me and another woman

Push-Pull Dynamics

This is when one person pushes a romantic partner away, only to pull them in again after they become cold and distant. This causes uncertainty and an anxious attachment style in the relationship. A common trait of narcissists is the initial love bombing then pulling away right after in order to make you crave the attention they previously gave you.

• Love bombed during the beginning of the relationship
• Treated me poorly until I had enough and wanted to break up, then love bombed me again and future faked until he had me in his control again
• Acted cold when I wanted attention/affection, but then when he wanted affection it was required for me to give in to his needs

Projection

Projection is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid being held accountable for them. It is used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability. Narcs dump their own traits on others in a way that is painful and excessively cruel.

• Classic example of this is the guy who is cheating accusing his partner of cheating and demanding to see her phone.
• He claimed that I was the one who was selfish and abusive
• One time I confronted him and said I thought he was a covert narcissist and he came back later and said he read about narcissism and that I was the one who was the narcissist and that I had undiagnosed mental illnesses and Borderline Personality Disorder (I do not and was actively in therapy for awhile at this point)

Nonsensical Conversations

Mindf*ckery rather than an actual conversation. Malignant narcissists use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem, and make you feel guilty for being a human being with thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own.

• Word salad - unrelated words and concepts all smooshed together, including contradictions and disjointed phrases, or random irrelevant and impromptu comments
• Circular conversations - they keep bringing up the same points over and over again until you are in an endless loop and eventually get worn out and give up usually
• Ad Hominem Arguments - a personal attack on someone's character or motive rather than an attempt to address the actual issue at hand. This type of personal attack fallacy is often witnessed in debates in courtrooms and politics. Often, the attack is based on a person's social, political, or religious views.

Blanket Statements and Generalizations

Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives.

• Overgeneralizations - black and white thinking and comments like "you always do X" "you never do Y"
• "You're never satisfied, you're asking too much"
• "We always end up doing what you want to do, I never get to decide"
• "You're always too sensitive" "Why are you always attacking me?" "I always apologize"

Deliberately Misrepresenting Your Thoughts and Feelings

Your differing opinions, legitimate emotions, and lived experiences get translated into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality. Narcissists weave tall tales to reframe what you’re actually saying as a way to make your opinions look absurd or heinous. They put words in your mouth when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries. This is also known as “mind reading.” Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling and jump to conclusions.

• Me: "Hey, I asked you to do the laundry earlier and you didn't. Can you do it now?" Him: "I didn't get to it because am tired. You just think I'm a lazy piece of sh*t don't you? You don't understand how hurtful you are to me"
• "I can read you like a book. I always know what you're thinking"

Nitpicking and Moving the Goal Posts

Abusive narcissists employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided evidence to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof. They raise expectations higher and higher or switch them to make you feel unworthy and never feeling "enough." They will obsess over your weaknesses to distract you from their own shortcomings.

• Often made fun of me for my college degree (he hadn't even graduated college)
• I was NEVER "supportive enough" or meeting his emotional needs
• Criticized my skills and abilities towards my hobbies often until doing them became unenjoyable

Changing the Subject to Evade Accountability

This type of tactic is what I like to call the “What about me?” syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”

• Past mistakes are never forgotten, even when you have a full discussion about trying not to bring up the past and are told you are forgiven\
• Me: "Hey, you didn't clean the dishes like you said you would" Him: "Yeah, but I did a ton last week and you never help out with anything. A month ago I had to vacuum the floor and you never help out with that. Also, you never ask me about my day and you are always attacking me. Why don't you care about me?"

Covert and Overt Threats

Narcissistic abusers feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.

• "If you break up with me I will kill myself"
• "If you don't open up the relationship then I am going to break up with you"
• "If you can't satisfy my pregnancy kink then eventually I will need to find someone that will"

Name-Calling

Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.

• "You're just a sl*t"
• "Stop being a b*tch"

Destructive Conditioning

Toxic people condition you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, frustration and disrespect. They do this by sneaking in covert and overt put-downs about the qualities and traits they once idealized as well as sabotaging your goals, ruining celebrations, vacations and holidays. They may even isolate you from your friends and family and make you financially dependent upon them.

• Had extremely unstable finances once I was with him because he couldn't hold a job
• Criticized my passions and goals often to the point that I no longer found job in them
• Isolated me from family, friends, and co-workers

Smear Campaigns and Stalking

When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you’re labeled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a preemptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you won’t have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behavior while projecting it onto you.

• Talked poorly about me to his online friends and co-workers
• Tried to get people on his side during the divorce by lying about me and spreading rumors

Love-Bombing and Devaluation

Toxic people put you through an idealization phase until you’re sufficiently hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with you. Then, they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first place. Another variation of this is when a toxic individual puts you on a pedestal while aggressively devaluing and attacking someone else who threatens their sense of superiority.

• Talked about how awful his ex-gf was when we were dating
• Gave me loads of attention and moved the relationship along quickly, then when we got married let the mask slip and devalued me often
• Would treat me poorly and not help out around the house/get a job until I told him I wanted a divorce then would magically get a job right away and pretend to change for a few weeks until he had me under his control again
• During our horrible polyamorous situation constantly compared me to the other woman and was ready to jump from our relationship to the new relationship

Preemptive Defense

When someone stresses the fact that they are a “nice guy” or girl, that you should “trust them” right away or emphasizes their credibility without any provocation from you whatsoever, be wary. Toxic and abusive people overstate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first building a solid foundation of trust. They may “perform” a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship to dupe you, only to unveil their false mask later on.

• Always referred to himself as an empath

Bait and Feign Innocence

Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security simply to have a platform to showcase their cruelty. Baiting you into a mindless, chaotic argument can escalate into a showdown rather quickly with someone who doesn’t know the meaning of respect.

• "You would look sooooo much hotter if you lost weight. Why are you upset that was a compliment. I mean yeah you look good now, but I'm just being honest. I wasn't trying to upset you, I don't know why you are crying"

Boundary Testing and Hoovering

Narcissists and toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they’re able to commit without consequences, the more they’ll push them. Survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers. Abusers tend to “hoover” their victims back in with sweet promises, fake remorse and empty words of how they are going to change, only to abuse their victims even more horrifically.

• FUTURE FAKING - "I promise I'm going to get a job and then you can get back to school. Once you finish that you'll be making a lot of money and then I can go to school. I'll major in X and then we will have a ton of income and we can buy a house. Then after that we will travel and it will be amazing. I'll keep working on helping around the house, I've already improved so much"
• "I'm so so so sorry that I hurt you. It kills me every day that what I did was so horrible. I will never do anything like that ever again. I love you so much, you know that. We made a promise to each other that we were going to stick together. I'm such an awful person I hate myself for cheating on you and it will never happen again."
• "You said that your boundary was that you wouldn't stay with me unless I got a job by X but that is completely unreasonable. I need at least X but it's not my fault that it's so hard to get a job. You can't have such a rigid boundary, that's ridiculous"

Aggressive Jabs Disguised as Jokes

Covert narcissists enjoy making malicious remarks at your expense. These are usually dressed up as “just jokes” so that they can get away with saying appalling things while still maintaining an innocent, cool demeanor. Any time you are outraged at an insensitive, harsh remark, you are accused of having no sense of humor.

• Constantly "joking" about my degree
• Making fun of me or embarrassing me in front of my friends
• "I just have a dark sense of humor. No, that jokes not racist, I'm just edgy. People can't take a joke these days"

Condescending Sarcasm and Patronizing Tone

Belittling and degrading a person is a toxic person’s forte and their tone of voice is only one tool in their toolbox. Narcissists use sarcasm chronically as a way to manipulate you and degrade you. If you in any way react to it, you must be “too sensitive.”

• Was "fluent in sarcasm"
• Treated me like a child sometimes during arguments when he wanted to belittle me

Shaming

Shaming is an effective method that targets any behavior or belief that might challenge a toxic person’s power. It can also be used to destroy and whittle away at a victim’s self-esteem: if a victim dares to be proud of something, shaming the victim for that specific trait, quality or accomplishment can serve to diminish their sense of self and stifle any pride they may have.

• "I can't believe you did X, you're such a horrible wife. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're going to have to work incredibly hard to gain my trust again after this"

Control

They isolate you, maintain control over your finances and social networks, and micromanage every facet of your life. The most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions. They chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights, emotionally withdraw, re-idealize you once they start to lose control, and vacillate between their false self and their true self. The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely you’ll trust your own reality and the truth about the abuse you’re enduring.

• Often "couldn't get" a job or quit them, which placed the financial burden on me and made him rely on me while draining my money on stupid video games sh*t (also meant I felt too bad to kick him out cause he never had a job and wouldn't be able to survive on his own)
• Isolated me from support networks
• Emotionally manipulated me in order to gain control and would increase conflict until I gave in to his demands

Bumbling aka Intentional Helplessness

This is when a man feigns ignorance, intentionally messes up tasks so you don't ask him to help you again with tasks, and never works to improve his knowledge or abilities.

• Intentionally messed up folding clothes and would refuse to let me teach him how to do it "Oh, well I've always done it like this I can't learn a new way to do it. If you want it done your way then you are just going to have to do it"
• "I can't plan out a week of meals, you're too picky. You should make the plan." "No, I can't go to the grocery store and grab what you need because I might forget something. You're better at shopping so you should go"
• "I can't do the dishes because I have childhood trauma from doing the dishes. I can't go to therapy because I had a bad therapist when I was a kid. I will try to do them but it just gives me so much anxiety" (and then lets the dishes pile up until I lose my mind and end up doing them)
• Let the apartment get so disgusting that I always end up being the one to clean because it grosses me out
• "I can't learn to clean the bathroom, it's too complicated. I might forget a step. You are so good at it, you should do it"