Hello wonderful community,

I thought I’d make a post dedicated to my least favourite form of ghosting which I believe is called the ‘slow fade’. Hopefully my insights will be useful to you all because I don’t want anyone to have to suffer the same consequences I did.

What:

The slow fade occurs when someone you are dating or talking to, slowly eases communication and communicates less frequently until they are gone entirely. Breadcrumbing or ‘putting you on the back burner’ is similar except they keep you around with minimal effort and never commit to completely disappearing so as to keep you as an option. I find this usually occurs through Snapchat (sending a vague image with no text, streaks etc.) or Instagram (reacting to your story, liking photos). Basically any social media where they can interact with you without sending a message with any substance or directivity.

The warning signs

  • Lovebombing (intense comments, overly complimenting you, over sharing early on)
  • Relationship moves too fast (pressure for sex early etc)
  • Relationship seems “too good to be true”
  • They just got out of a relationship or are struggling mentally

  • Messaging you too frequently (eg. Constantly, using you as a distraction)

  • You feel uneasy and anxious

  • They slowly ease communication & message you infrequently after getting to know them

  • They stop making plans or showing any interest after they had previously been very enthusiastic.

  • They disappear with no explanation or break up text

When:

Can occur after any amount of time but in my experience it happened after a two week long period of intense lovebombing. There’s no way to tell how long someone is committed to the facade, they might keep it up for years. There’s really no way to prevent it other than usual vetting for red flags. I found that lovebombing was a clear pretence though, and it’s a part of why it feels so jarring when they disappear because they had previously been so loving/attentive & interested.

Why:

It is a way for them to end a relationship with you whilst leaving space for them to possibly return or reappear in the future. They might do so when they are bored or their other options have failed. It leaves ambiguity and allows them to control the narrative by returning for more.

In my experience I was dating someone for a couple of weeks who lovebombed me very intensely. After about two weeks, communication slowly became less frequent until we had stopped talking entirely. 6 months later he returned, upset and claiming he was hurt that I had rejected him and left the relationship. When I explained that it was his inaction and inconsistency that lead me to stop reaching out, he gaslit me saying that that never happened. I blocked him and moved on.

Watch for lovebombing early on in a relationship. Trust your gut if communication has slowed, or they are texting different.

I find a lot of dating subs shame women for feeling anxious in the early stages of dating when the other person is inconsistent or becomes more unavailable. Trust your gut because it knows before your mind does. In the early stages of dating, you should feel secure & effort shouldn’t be too intense or feel like not enough.

If someone pulls this on you, block them so they can’t return. You snooze, you lose.