[VENT + Advice] Arranged Marriages and parents

Spittens · 2021-03-15T20:47:55+00:00

I am sure someone will be able to say this far more eloquently than I do here.

I think it might be best to draw a hard boundary with them about this. Tell them exactly what you said above, that you don't feel they have your best interests at heart, that a marriage/relationship is more than just a breathing legal man, and so they need to stop or you will cut contact entirely. You will have to mean it, and prepare yourself for the likelihood that you will have to follow through with your threat.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-03-15T22:25:14+00:00

I think this quote is helpful in these types of situations:

YOU didn't disappoint your parents. Your parents held rigid expectations and never adjusted them even when it was clear they didn't fit you. Children grow in all directions. It's not your fault if your parents weren't prepared to grow with you.

Nice_Pass2393 · 2021-03-15T20:41:33+00:00

My family is kind of like this, only thing I was able to do was spend as little time with them as possible. I have a baby now and they are somewhat nicer because I guess I'm furthering the bloodline, bit I'm a single mom so I definitely get judged, at least it's not straight up bullying though. I still try to avoid family gatherings unless my mother really pressures me to go, but even then I try to leave early and stick to myself. Before I had the baby I used to travel out of state a lot so I was pretty much a stranger to my family, i was away so much that it was kinda like I moved out.

mekhge12 · 2021-03-15T21:29:37+00:00

I had the same experiences and so did my sister. The truth is that you’ll have to look out for your own interests. What mattered to my mother was what people thought.. primarily, how educated and well off her potential SIL would be. It’s a pride and appearance thing. In all honesty, you have to stop giving a damn about what will happen when you create boundaries. Some parents have to be taught to respect boundaries and you might have to get tough with them, but you’re an adult now. I view this as harassment; forcing you to talk to strange men. Please be firm and if it keeps happening, then move out or limit contact till they understand how serious you are.

Bex_The_Hex · 2021-03-15T21:59:32+00:00

You have full autonomy here, remember that first and foremost. They can't make you meet these men, or go on a date with them, or marry them. What they want is only important to them, and it isn't your responsibility to make them happy.

The best way to detach yourself from the whole thing is to stop engaging with it. When they bring it up during a phone call, tell them this isn't up for discussion and you'll talk to them in a few days. When you go visit them, or go out with them, and they bring it up, say it isn't up for discussion and you'll talk to them in a few days. I'd they come to your home and mention it, tell them it isn't up for discussion, open the door, and tell them you'll talk to them in a few days. Don't answer any questions about it, don't try to persuade them, don't ask about standards or qualities or men, don't engage in the conversation whatsoever. This isn't up for discussion, period.

You don't want them to find you a husband, so it isn't something that needs to be discussed. But furthermore, you need to show them that their disregard and disrespectful behavior have consequences: the talk/visit ends immediately, and they aren't allowed to talk to you for a set amount of time. The time out is not just as a consequence to their behavior, but also to give you a break and work through any emotions or focus on yourself.

Yes, this is hard to do, even for people like me who don't put up with toxic/dramatic/overly complicated people in their lives. Setting boundaries is HARD. But, you have to do what is best for you, and your parents are stressing you out with this topic. Take care of yourself, and make it clear that disrespecting your boundaries isn't tolerated. Good luck

Ok-Butterfly2156 · 2021-03-15T23:42:32+00:00

So, my sister-in-law was from a very religious strict background and was forced into an arranged marriage at 20 years old. You want to know how that went? Horrifically. He abused her, was a misogynist, hated that she gave him two daughters instead of sons and got divorced a few years later.

He has joint custody but gives zero shits about the girls. One time the second youngest was injured under his care. He did nothing and returned her with a huge gash on her leg that required ER treatment. He just slapped a paper towel on it and said 'deal with it'. That girl had to wait over six HOURS before she was taken to a hospital.

The girls are now nearing 18 and last I heard he said he was done with them and never wanted to see them again. He remarried and had a boy child, you see. So his daughters are dead to him.

So.

Don't do it. Remember this. Do not budge. Nothing good will come from it.

LadylikeElectricland · 2021-03-15T21:31:36+00:00

Hey, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. In case you need to hear it: It's okay to cut your family off. They do not seem to be concerned with your happiness, so why should you do them a favour? Easier said than done, I know, but please consider it as an option.

PS. I remember being really touched by this article.

Galileo_Spark · 2021-03-15T21:40:18+00:00

I’m really sorry to hear your parents are trying to push marriage on you and also about the way they treated you when you tried to commit suicide. Know that just because someone is family, it doesn’t mean they have the right to be disrespectful to you and to try to control your life. You are well within your rights to distance yourself from them and to make yourself less available to them for your own self-preservation. Especially if you have set boundaries with them and communicated you wants and needs and they still aren’t listening.

If you are highly educated and have a good income it only makes sense that you would want the same in a partner. You want someone on your level, because couples on the same level have better longevity. It sounds like your parents don’t have your best interests at heart if they can’t/won’t listen to what you want, especially since they were trying to set you up for marriage at 16. Do what is best for you even if that means reducing or cutting contact with your family.

to_learn_to_fly · 2021-03-15T21:56:17+00:00

I don't see any other option than to distance oneself from such parents. Not necessarily cutting all contact, but living on your own and drawing strong boundaries as to the frequency of contact and topics you refuse to discuss.

abby_ch238 · 2021-03-15T23:03:46+00:00

Went through the same thing, emotionally abusive family, made me feel suicidal etc. It’s harder said than done but cutting them off is the best way. I spent years in therapy too but not having known that my anxiety issues were related to their abuse and not because I am defective. I am more confident in myself now that I am no longer in contact with them because I don’t have to hear their constant abuse, belittling etc. You can try moving out but these kind of parents have zero respect for boundaries, they will wear you down over the phone too. I tried to just maintain phone calls and I would feel suicidal after speaking with my mom. But I understand that it’s hard to do, it really does suck for me now because I don’t have a family anymore but I’ve never been able to go back to them because I value the peace I get, I am kinder to myself now because I don’t hear my parents constant belittling. And another thing is, if you are always used to being treated like this by your family, your brain is going to think this is acceptable behaviour and you will make excuses for the people in your life, including men that come your way.

LevellingUpTime · 2021-03-16T01:16:35+00:00

It's crazy.. you'll have parents from an Asian country come to a Westernized one because they want the best for their children/daughters. Then when the daughters are thriving, making money, gaining an education, being independent, they want them to be traditional and get married to some scrote 20 years older than them and become an overworked housewife who's depressed and burnt out after 5 years

My advice: you're an adult. You have been for quite a while. They can't force you into a marriage (I assume you're in the UK or US or similar) and if they're trying to imply they don't want you as family until you're engaged then they're not worth it. They are a LVF (low value family) and as awful as it will be, you should consider distancing yourself if not cutting yourself off from them completely

Champagne_bitch · 2021-03-16T03:00:08+00:00

Since you make 6 figures, I can only tell you to run away, no contact, never look back. I were sold to another family by my very very abusive parents. My lips are stitched because I got hit by my dad until my lower lips split. My mom hit me with a wooden chair until my back bleed, she also locked me up in the toilet without electricity and water for 3 days straight. The most traumatic I ever heard from them are, "don't hurt her face. We can't sell her off for marriage later." I am 21 now and I still can't forget it even when I try to.

I ran away at the age 16 after raped by the alleged husband they sold me to.

Carpedictum · 2021-03-15T23:22:07+00:00

Do you live on your own?

If so, just hang up the phone or walk out when you don’t like the turn the conversation is taking. Explain yourself one time and then every time after that, just say, “That’s enough.” and hang up or go. No more explanations, no more letting yourself get upset, just calmly go. They’ll either stop or only have very brief interaction with you.

This is what I did with family that wanted to argue politics. They kept acting like I’d never addressed the “argument” they were making, when I had fully and thoroughly. So I just stopped. It was hard but it was sooooo much better for me.

Honestly_th0 · 2021-03-16T08:19:11+00:00

The mother of one of my friends tried to set her up with all these guys. She finally agreed to one when the mother offered her $500 just to show up for the dinner and meet the guy. My friend cut her hair real short and wore a tux 🤵‍♀️ to the fancy restaurant. The guy was wearing a similar tux and was super embarrassed. They had an awkward and fairly quiet dinner. My friend made $500 and her mother stopped trying to set her up on dates 🤣

IntelligentQuality6 · 2021-03-15T23:24:27+00:00

Shared experience. Go no contact. Save your sanity.

sugaredberry · 2021-03-16T03:13:48+00:00

I’m sorry but the only way to deal with abusers like this in my opinion is No Contact. Sounds nuclear but they literally tried to auction 16 year old you off to a 28 year old pedo. It’s too late now for them to learn love or respect towards you.

Honestly_th0 · 2021-03-16T09:26:14+00:00

I’ll probably get a lot of hate for this, but here goes anyway: I see a lot of people on this thread arguing for no contact, but I think it’s important to recognize that this is a lot easier for some women than others, especially depending on cultural background. For example, if you make six figures and live independently in a city away from most or all family, no or little contact is easier. But imagine living in a place where literally everyone is your extended family AND being guilted/forced/coerced into living with parents until marriage. This might not be OP’s situation, but it is the case for many women around the world. So, I think it’s important to also try to offer alternatives if no contact is currently not possible.

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-03-16T09:43:34+00:00

Honestly, if they have been like this for all your life, please move out ( if you live with them) and try to distance yourself from them as much as possible. What I have noticed that now usually arranged marriages are less about marriage itself and more about status. Your parents don't have your best interests in mind if they have been forcing you since 16 when your possible counterpart would be 28 YO. That is just way too much.

Arrange marriages are done in my community too, but I have noticed the good parents that arrange marriage for their children look for

age gap: they must not be a lot of age gap. 5 years maximum
Must be compatible look wise
Must be compatible financially
How is the family the spouse is coming from. They must not be too regressive and have rigid / misogynist standards
Should have a common goal when it comes career

No good parent will make their teenage daughter talk to a 28 year old when they know all about rapes and assault, let alone marry. Its very clear they don't care about you. I bet they are only forcing you to marry because of their "status" in society.

Title	[VENT + Advice] Arranged Marriages and parents
Author	YogurtandBananas420
Upvotes	131
Comments	26
Date	March 15, 2021 8:01 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m5tg5t/vent_advice_arranged_marriages_and_parents/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/vent-advice-arranged-marriages-and-parents.751164 https://theredarchive.com/post/751164

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