From my own personal experiences, discussions of weight have always been like playing minesweeper. They show up those red flags faster than any other vetting I have ever done.

I used to have an ED when I was younger - from roughly 13 into my 20s, so my weight would fluctuate a lot. And it would, invariably, always come up unprompted as a topic of conversation with men, even though it was at the time (obviously) the absolute last thing I ever wanted to discuss.

Things I've been told:

  • That everything about me is gorgeous, except my weight.
  • That ofc they like me the way I am, but if I did want to lose x lbs, I'd be even hotter and then I can wear x.
  • That they don't admit it to their friends, but they like a thick/chubby/insert whatever awful adjective they think isn't insulting here girl.
  • They totally get how hard an ED is, but have I just tried...
  • That it's okay, they'll keep an eye on my eating habits for me and keep me in check

I've had my weight insulted by men who I have had LTRs with, who knew about my history and how hurtful it would be. I've had SO MANY MEN react to being told that my weight is a triggering issue for me by saying something that's basically "dw, I like the fact you're not super thin".

I've had men offer to plan my diet for me, or berate me, in public, every time I have something unhealthy, even if it's just popcorn at a movie. I've had men who say they're understanding and respect that while I'm recovered, I am careful with my food...and then take me out to a fast food place, or do the "oh, well one treat won't hurt" thing.

I've had a guy who fetishised weight gain, and would make me feel awful for watching my diet or exercising. He'd gaslight me and try to make me feel like I was slipping back into unhealthy behaviours...to try and stop me from losing weight.

It is like a really awful holy grail of vetting material.