Working on myself just makes me feel more isolated

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-03T13:02:40+00:00

Whenever I feel that intense loneliness, I give myself a hug. Literally and emotionally. Touch like that can be very influential to the subconscious, and it let's it know that im here for myself. Then I say some loving words to myself and plan a nice meal or treat and it helps a lot.

But I honestly also grieve the state of men. I SHOULD be able to find a partner much easier, there should be more options. It's crazy that I have to be so defensive around men. They really shouldn't be like this. All of that is out of my control, and its ok to move on. Almost externalizing the loneliness helps. Like this loneliness isn't my fault, it's normal to want a partner, men have just made themselves undateable.

Determinedblonde · 2022-01-03T10:58:42+00:00

I have a similar issue, but I’m 27.

1) Block scrotes the second you identify them. This will ease some stress.

2) do you enjoy running or are you forcing yourself to do it? It’s hard to workout if you don’t like it.

3) do you think therapy is helping? I’ll try again. Last time I did, it drained me so much that I couldn’t force myself out of the house. (I will try again though).

4) We can’t make good people appear, but as a fellow autistic woman, I tend to find I don’t force myself to go out enough. I think your sensory issues are worse sadly, so do you have any hobbies where there might be small groups together, like a book club?

jkklfdasfhj · 2022-01-03T10:56:23+00:00

Perhaps instead of looking for people to connect with, look for things you enjoy doing it want to try. Think of this as a journey of exploration rather than answers. It takes time to grieve, find yourself, and with the way women with autism are not believed, I can imagine just how much harder it is. Perhaps find groups of other women with autism as well. I know you said you tried meetup, but it's a vast site and dependent on where you live and what you can access so I wouldn't count it out.

Do you have some personal goals? Can you get another pet, a personal trainer, learn a new skill that is active and group/team based?

Also check out female level up strategy as some of the things you've mentioned are addressed there. That might be a better place to ask questions. You could also split this into separate questions to get a bit more depth and breadth.

samedinuitmort · 2022-01-03T10:13:35+00:00

Do you have any hobbies or special interests that you could join meetups and group activities around?
Art related, sports, games, etc.

Volunteering can also help you get out of the house. There are websites that are dedicated to listing local volunteering opportunities for basically every country I’ve ever been to, I’m sure yours must have one as well. Pick something you can handle and hopefully that’s a specific area of interest!

If you are involved in a religion, there are also many community involvement opportunities there. (Men in religion are not necessarily any better than outside, FYI. Might even be worse using it to gaslight, so beware).

Allow yourself time to grieve your losses before pushing forward, but do push forward when you’re ready (such as getting a new pet).

Best of luck!

sexualfoodpantry · 2022-01-03T16:37:51+00:00

What you'd like and what you need can be two very different things. Finally admitting that to yourself can be a really long process.

It took me more than half a decade until I admitted to myself that I'm actually happier single, even though I knew all about the dark side of marriage and kids and had every reason not to want to date again, ever.

I can imagine the FOMO is much harder for some people if they are still young and idealistic.

_cnz_ · 2022-01-03T12:23:54+00:00

have you tried incorporating some DBT into your sessions? It can help to create more actionable steps to get out of the house more and build your social circle. I think it would pair well with ACT

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-01-03T10:51:16+00:00

Never let men make you feel ashamed for not having kids. Some of the very same scrotes would still be mad for different reasons if you did have children. It doesn't make logical sense. The fact that some women make it to 40 without kids shows that it's not impossible, and makes scrotes feel embarrassed about their poor life choices. But they also want a childless woman to care for their children.

Antique_Fortune6974 · 2022-01-03T19:29:38+00:00

When I read what you put,the first thing I thought of was the saying. "Success is a lonely road" I don't know if that helps,but also I think that it may not seem like it right now but things will get better. Especially when you're on the right track.

Also,can I ask what instances made you connect the dots when finding out about being diagnosed with autism? I feel I may have it too and was wondering if I could relate..

Edit:spelling

WestAtmosphere · 2022-01-04T00:22:57+00:00

I'd avoid OLD as of right now, it's really a needle in a haystack type scenario where 99% of men there are LV especially past a certain age. There's a shit ton of bitter men and they multiply on platforms like reddit and dating apps. If anyone is attacking your lack of children it's probably because they wish they were not tied to children. Wouldn't be surprised if many of those men walked away from their families.

Honestly it's really hard to give advice because your situation is a bit different. But it really does sound like you may need more time to yourself. Is there any chance you can start small to making steps to being in public? Like others suggested volunteering is great venue to just get out, it doesn't need to be directly interacting with people and gives you some social interaction. I used to be really self-conscious but got into 2 volunteer positions where I help to feed the homeless. I'm just preparing food, not direct interaction but it's nice to be able to connect with people who are in the same cause even if majority of them are 2-3x my age. These things are also very casual like 1-2x a month but helps me to feel like I have more purpose especially in times of self-development.

Just know and hopefully take comfort that there are so many people going through similar things you just may not see or hear about them because they may have insecurities of being out in public or discussing them. I'm personally going through a lot of self-development in my 20's and it's not really relatable to my peers so it is isolating. But be proud you actively realize the struggle and are wanting to work on moving forward!

abirdofthesky · 2022-01-03T22:29:29+00:00

Can you volunteer somewhere maybe? Have some interaction that’s more structured than meetup?

Loneliness comes in many facets, and sometimes small interactions with strangers are just as important as close social intimacy. Saying hi to your barista in the morning, waving to the person who always puts their mat next to yours in yoga class, chatting with the librarian about recommendations, all matter. But those are so hard to come by during the pandemic in areas following restrictions. I know with working from home and studios being closed I’ve been really really missing that sort of interaction. Getting into online communities has helped somewhat, but it’s not perfect.

KindredMaximus · 2022-01-05T04:05:12+00:00

That's exactly how I feel, right now. Also, I'm really working on myself and wonder if the two step forward, three steps back that I'm experiencing is due to - at the heart of it - being lonely. I've met many struggling women who are having difficulties which really stem from them being alone in the world. Thankfully, they don't mass murder people when they are lonely.
I've started looking into singles meet-ups and also singles group dinners - haven't tried one yet though. When I did online, I actually met some nice men who I may have continued with, but my baby sister died. (I think this may be an age thing - a larger proportion of men my age can at least fake sincerity, I suppose?). I actually got the news that she was dying WHILE I was on a first date with a man who was telling me the story of his sisters death and that's no lie. I do wonder if he still thinks to this day that I made excuses to not see him because of my sisters dying that I just took his story and lied to him, that night!
If you have any success in this - I'd love you to come back and tell us, so that we might learn. If I manage to find a way - I'll be sure to post. Don't give up and don't let it take you backwards.
I've also met many women my age single by choice because of the state of men. They are having great lives and so I do know it's possible to have a great life while single. I also hear such awful things boyfriends and husbands do from my girlfriends and one session of that, is enough for me to think - ''maybe I'm just better off by myself." The things women put up with to be in relationship, just boggle my mind. Any man who ever calls me a name again or gives me the silent treatment, is not getting a second chance from me, EVER. I also think if I were happier with where I am at in life - I wouldn't feel so lonely.

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