Do we all really mean the same thing when we say ‘dominant’?

Tylikcat · 2026-04-09T03:48:32+00:00

There's some literature on this. If given a list of qualities, women will generally prefer "dominant" over "submissive" men if forced to choose one of those terms, but often when allowed to pick their own terms the ones that show up the most are things like "confident" and "assertive", and dominant does not. (I realize you're using the term dominant, but I wonder if the components of your term might map well to the confident and assertive others use?)

Meanwhile, a lot of folks here are definitely going with "domineering"... often in ways that seem rooted in insecurity rather than confidence.

lesliecarbone · 2026-04-09T11:23:53+00:00

The word dominant has several analogical meanings and connotations. In an interpersonal context,
I think of being dominant as being controlling, and I want nothing to do with someone like that.

avocadolanche3000 · 2026-04-09T11:57:53+00:00

I agree, and was thinking about this while watching that manosphere documentary.

All the manosphere influencers had “one way monogamy.” Each time they tell Louis about it, there’s a sort of cheeky smile they have about it, like they know that they’ve appropriated the “woke” language of ENM to trick their partners.

It’s frustrating watching these scenes as a blue pill male dom because the whole time you’re thinking “just admit it’s a kink! Stop pretending ‘fucking 2000 women’ is some “natural order.” MAYBE, if you can allow one iota of vulnerability into your sexual dynamic with your wife, you might actually have a fucking healing relationship with a woman!”

But I think the refusal to identify their D/s dynamics as a power exchange speaks to the heart of the distinction you’re trying to draw. They are too egotistically fragile to allow exchange to involve vulnerability, trust, and connection. Their “domination” rings hollow because they’re clearly afraid of being emasculated in any way.

They are “fake Doms.” They lack the quiet confidence that comes from actual security in yourself, and in your partnership. And this manifests not just as a power imbalance but as a kind of pathetic fear of women. These dudes are all afraid their women will leave them if he relationship were open, or if they found a richer, handsomer guy, or maybe they’re just afraid they’d lose followers if they had an MFM threesome or something.

So I think that’s the distinction: Domineering = domination + fear (of not being perceived as dominant).

matthedev · 2026-04-09T17:53:23+00:00

Sociologically, a distinction is made between prestige and dominance. Prestige would come from things like being cultured, knowledgeable, that sort of thing. Dominance implies force or the threat of force at root, meting out rewards and punishment to supplicate allies and extract obedience. Domineering behavior might get a person to a position of dominance in the short term, but in so doing, they alienate themselves from the people around them, who will probably regroup and push back later (see also how Donald Trump's bullying, domineering approach to foreign policy is going). A person can dominate a conversation, for example, alienating the people around them.

I'm not sure why grown adults are talking about romantic relationships in terms of dominance and submission or leader and follower. Personally, I'm interested in partnership.

On another note, I've noticed highly introverted people also tend to be submissive and often passive more generally.

procrast1natrix · 2026-04-09T05:24:20+00:00

No, they don't all mean the same thing.

First of all, be aware that there are many many more people both male and female out there looking for Doms. Whoever you are, if you seek a Dom you have limited your dating pool, and if you find one who is safe and sane, kiss their feet and appreciate them.

That said. Sexually. There are "pleasure Doms" that simply want to control your orgasm. There are gentle Doms that will control the pace and pattern of the sex, but like it soft and slow. There are Doms that get their kick out of requiring service and ignoring your genitals. There are Doms that enjoy frustration, stress or light pain or more serious pain. It's all negotiable.

The important thing to know is that it's totally ok to be into ABC Dom dynamic and not DEFG Dom dynamic. That's ok. Just say it. Be sub and still have boundaries.

All of this is for both men and women.

BobtheArcher2018 · 2026-04-09T10:16:04+00:00

Great topic. I do believe there are huge issues around the dominant or submissive ideas. People do probably have the wrong ideas of what is actually desired. Women have also been part of the problem because so many are reluctant to admit that the genders have different desires from their partner with respect to this. But it is gendered.

Men, for their part, don't seem to get the innate tensions inside evolved female nature with respect to all this. They laugh that many women seem to want a guy who is dominant (whatever that means exactly) in the bedroom and then is totally different outside of this. It is an impossible demand in many ways, but it also reveals the two sides of a woman. There are times she wants to be more submissive (again, term needs clarifying ofc), and times she wants to be egalitarian. The relevant literature makes it easily understandable why this kind of tension inside female desires would have developed.

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These_Rent_2503 · 2026-04-09T21:54:46+00:00

I think your definition of dominant is alpha male (confident, charismatic, commands respect naturally). A man a modern, educated woman would deem worthy to follow. In other words, a top 0.1% guy.

Head-Living2526 · 2026-04-09T04:46:13+00:00

Also. People on the internet speak about social situations so weirdly.

I have never met someone who quietly commands respect unless:

- In a work setting and they let the work speak for itself, but thats domain specific

- you are in a physical setting and the man is clearly physically capable and imposing

- he's really handsome and you're attracted, but he isn't doing anything differently.

Quietly commanding respect is just a halo effect imo.

This quiet confidence thing is such a cope that makes confidence undefinable, because it then has no measurable traits.

Head-Living2526 · 2026-04-09T04:44:03+00:00

Shocking lack of insight here imo.

All this means is dominance is something you allow a man to have, based on your level of agreeableness and submissiveness in relation to him.

Nothing to do with the man's assertiveness himself.

Natural leader is the absolute biggest lie I've ever heard in life. I have never met someone who is a natural leader or I feel inclined to follow.

Regardless, a natural leader to you appears dominant to another woman and a natural leader to another woman may appear domineering to you.

It's all individual compatibly I guess.

captaindestucto · 2026-04-09T11:42:54+00:00

It's the appeal of masculinity however you want to define it.

Whether it's obnoxious, overbearing, aggressive, or just assertive - those kind of men make better protectors/providers than shy, self-effacing men who don't push their personal interests out into the world.

So go ahead and claim you're looking for a cuddly feminist-approved version of a dominant manly man. You kind of have to say that anyway. But maybe use another adjective because "dominant" clearly means something else to most people.

Title	Do we all really mean the same thing when we say ‘dominant’?
Author	HungryDepth5918
Upvotes	8
Comments	86
Date	April 8, 2026 3:08 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1sfh985/do_we_all_really_mean_the_same_thing_when_we_say/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-we-all-really-mean-the-same-thing-when-we-say.1577498 https://theredarchive.com/post/1577498

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