So, I've been thinking a lot about compatibility, and how often it comes up on this sub, what it means, and how it affects our relationships. I want to have a discussion about this because it occurs to me that we are potentially working with divergent definitions and perspectives about what it means to be compatible. I think there are several angles about it that are related, but largely separate, so I've broken it down into a ranked list, starting with what I think is the least relevant aspects of compatibility to the most.

*Attraction. This one is pretty self explanatory. Without initial attraction there simply isn't going to be a future between two people. The reason this is listed at the bottom is because I don't think it's very specific. It's pretty general, and I've seen many people say it's more of a threshold than a qualitative standard. Yes there are some people who have really specific standards but those people are probably going to find out the hard way that they are too picky.

  • Kink/Sexual preferences. This one is a little more crucial I think than attraction broadly. Relationships are about sex at the end of the day, at least partially, so sex is going to be important. Someone who matches your freak, to use a modern term I like, is always going to be a positive in a relationship, and by contrast not sharing those things is likely going to lead to a dead bedroom.

  • Life Goals and Worldview. This is where I think we get to the most important aspects of compatibility. A shared goal is extremely important to the health and longevity of a relationship. Working towards something together provides a foundation for your life together. Also if one person is looking for casual sex and the other is looking for serious commitment, you obviously are not compatible.

  • Interests and Daily Life. This is where I expect to get some pushback from people. I think shared interests, and the general "vibe" of daily life is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Whether we may like it or not, we may find that even if we are attracted to our partner, actually living with them is a nightmare. Either they are irresponsible in taking care of house chores, they have a different level of energy and need for adventure and outdoor activity, or simply have different interests, and this can lead to problems. Most significantly, I think, it can lead to resentment. Sharing your life with someone who, yes, may be a convenient sexual partner, but does not share your interests only leaves you half fulfilled. The other half of you, the emotional side that desires companionship in things other than sex, is being neglected. That part of you is going to end up resenting not just your partner, but the relationship itself. Even if you are attracted to your partner and the sex is enjoyable, you are still going to come to resent your partner for not fulfilling the rest of your needs. You are simply not compatible in this way, and this is going to be the most damaging component in the long run.

So those are my thoughts, feel free to disagree and expand in comments.