Being poor and marrying an HVM: how do you avoid sinking his standard of living?

LivelyLychee · 2021-08-21T02:40:48+00:00

OP, it seems like you posted this not to listen to advice to address your problems or to get other perspectives, but to virtue signal and rant about not being well off. I’m locking this post.

worldlysentiments · 2021-08-20T20:20:52+00:00

Poverty trauma. Realizing that you are deserving of these things if they are available to you and he can manage it financially; is the first step. You are worth the vacations or nice things if he can afford it and would like to provide it while you do your work at home. You two will have to compromise on what to do for those fun things like if he wants a budget of 15,000 for a wedding, then maybe see what you can do for 10k. Find a comfortable middle between your two ideals.

JadedByEntropy · 2021-08-20T21:23:36+00:00

Being ungrateful or even put off by nice things he obviously plans to provide will be more off putting than a gold digger to him. Nothing is worse than being rejected for kindness.

You have to accept his financial gifts as his love language and not shut him down so often.

CarbonicCassiopeia · 2021-08-20T20:30:11+00:00

Here's my two cents:

- Finances is one of the biggest issues that leads to separation. It's good that you're thinking about this. Always be open to discuss and communicate about finances. It sounds already like you two are on the same page about most things, so keep that in mind and don't sweat the small stuff.

- On the other hand, you say you trust him and that he's a frugal person. Do you really mean that if you're here asking for advice though? You seem to have anxiety about money in general (and maybe rightfully so considering your past??). Don't let your anxieties rule your life or interfere with your relationship. If you really say you trust him, truly live like that and don't let the fearful voices in your head lead you elsewhere.

- You must accept gifts gracefully (ESPECIALLY from your significant other). Understand that giving gifts is a way some people show love. Appreciate that he wants to give you a fabulous wedding and take you on amazing vacations. Do not ever deny love given from your significant other. At the same time, I'm sure in some ways he appreciates your thriftiness (a feminine quality!), so I'm definitely not suggesting you completely change your lifestyle and go on a shopping spree and buy a Fendi purse and Luis Vuittons.

- I am also a very frugal person. Thanks to my frugality (and my husbands), we go on multiple vacations a year, did exactly what we wanted for our wedding, and are planning on retiring early. We get to spend our money on exactly what we want (and no more), and never need to worry about emergencies. Respect that your husband has done his "frugal due-diligence" to earn these luxuries, and that you'd be a lucky wife to have a husband that wants to give you these things.

- Read Laura Doyle's Empowered Wife and/or Surrendered Wife. She talks about dealing with finances and receiving gifts in feminine ways. I think this will help you the most.

Edited for formatting

_player_0 · 2021-08-20T19:00:53+00:00

Are you afraid that:

a. he's not responsible with money,

b. that he made a mistake choosing you (or vice versa),

c. that he doesn't have the amount of money he says he has,

d. that you having this new lifestyle will mean you're giving up your power to him and somehow you'd owe him, or

e. that this marriage seems to good to be true?

It sounds like you're afraid of what you could have or you feel somehow unworthy. So you're trying to hold on to the familiar.

Have a conversation with him.

Edit: you see people's value - including your own - as being very closely linked to money (which is understandable based on how you describe your life) but that's actually misleading. If you're making a decision to marry with that mindset, you're in for all sorts of trouble. I'd suggest therapy to get out of that way of thinking. It will affect your life, your decisions, how you view yourself, and definitely how you choose a life partner in many negative ways.

ananonh · 2021-08-20T18:18:17+00:00

You are supposed to trust that your husband will protect your financial safety and security. If you don’t then you are not ready to be married.

SirNemesis · 2021-08-20T22:22:58+00:00

Do the math. If he's earning enough that he can support the lifestyle he wants and still save a large portion of his income, then there is nothing wrong with that and it's not sacrificing financial security.

sweetdovely · 2021-08-20T21:55:07+00:00

If you believe he’s frugal and good with his money otherwise, what leads you to believe he’d throw those values and ideals aside when it comes to vacations and weddings, and that he’d spend tons of money on those things if he couldn’t reasonably afford them?

It seems to me like a lot of your fear is coming from a fear of the unknown. You’re used to having to roll your sleeves up and toil to make ends meet. According to comments, you really only went on vacations every 4 or so years, whereas he goes on them frequently.

Have you discussed why he wants a nice wedding? They’re not just status symbols for others, do you know for certain this isn’t a projection of a fear?

abacabbmk · 2021-08-20T23:17:49+00:00

If he's HVM he doesn't care about your money. Be a champion in all other aspects. That's what men want.

softrevolution_ · 2021-08-20T22:03:07+00:00

You're terrified. It's gotten pathological. I would suggest you talk to a therapist about this problem -- plenty of good ones exist on Medicare, or you can go to a sliding-scale charity place, that was what I did when I was uninsured. Best care I'd ever gotten.

When you are more secure in yourself: are you friends with your FMIL? Can you go to her for advice in becoming a woman more on their social level? The kind of things a daughter normally learns from her mother? It might be a way to cement your bond as family and show her that you find her valuable.

SDezzles · 2021-08-20T22:44:40+00:00

On your previous posts you said that you weren't good with money. Is this part of the issue?

I think the best way you can help yourself is through financial education. A trip to Europe makes a lot more sense if you can see exactly how much the investments are netting.

Money makes more money if it's in the hands of financially intelligent people. It disappears if given to anyone else. You need to move from the former to the latter category if you don't want to introduce excess strain on your relationship.

Graham Stephen and Dave Ramsey are an easy place to start if you like Youtubers.

I'm not saying you need to step up and control everything, but you have no right to walk into that amount of power and have no idea how it works.

financeandfirepower · 2021-08-21T01:05:11+00:00

My wife was very similar. She adjusted just fine and still appreciates it all. I like to provide and it gives me a goal every year to get better.

Jenneapolis · 2021-08-20T20:53:09+00:00

Let him lead. If he knows your background and has decided to be with you, he values your perspective and what you bring to the table, so relax and just let him.

ChrimsonChin988 · 2021-08-20T21:55:47+00:00

I think you sound perfect.

Just gotta get over the unworthiness mental hurdle because if left unaddressed it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Also he's not a HVM, as I'm assuming he is maybe mid 20s, he was just born into a family that is well off. I was born into wealth myself and it's ridiculous to me that a girl like you would look up to me because of money my dad has made. If he's not made his own success he doesn't even deserve you looking up to him, just my 2cts.

Travis_Ryno · 2021-08-21T01:13:15+00:00

Dont make unreasonable demands which fall outside the expectations you two have set prior to marriage.

Then just follow his lead on this; be ok with however much he wants to do that. Whatever changes he may make for you will then be purely his choice, and therefor you will have every reason to be happy for him and yourself.

Back when I used to work a minimum wage job, I used ti absolutely love buying my gf those expesnive ass red bulls because it made her happy, which made me happy, which made everything cool even if was a dent to the finances.

Nos had she demanded them, it would be different, but the way she appreciated it every time like it was literally christmas morning lol...made a constant joy out of it.

As long as you are kind and appreciative--never demanding things, never guilt tripping him, its all good. Many of us, as men can feed off the joy of a kind woman. So just understand that, respect what he chooses to do, and relate these concerns if you feel you need assurance.

Title	Being poor and marrying an HVM: how do you avoid sinking his standard of living?
Author	sister-goose
Upvotes	24
Comments	44
Date	August 20, 2021 6:12 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/p8apgg/being_poor_and_marrying_an_hvm_how_do_you_avoid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/being-poor-and-marrying-an-hvm-how-do-you-avoid.1059184 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059184

Comments