How Women Keep Score

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2024-02-12T01:06:56+00:00

We already do this in a cute “tongue in cheek” way, not so much a formalized scorecard… if he does a grand husbandly gesture (date night, flowers when he’s on a business trip, planning a vacation, good sex, etc), I’ll tell him thank you and say something like “500 hubby points for you!”. When he makes my coffee or a shoulder rub etc, sometimes I’ll say something like “that was so nice thank you… 10 husband points in the bank haha”.

And if something goes wrong or we have a little spat… when we make up, we will ask how many points we spent from the “love bank” to get an idea of how big (or small) the fight was in each others eyes. And if anyone is “in the negative”, it gives us easy language to communicate needing more affection/gestures etc that doesn’t come across as accusatory (something like “hey I think the love bank is a bit low.., can we work on that this week?” Or “that fight was really draining… let’s fill the bank back up”)

It’s an easy way to quantify some of these small/cumulative things and communicate in a way that makes sense for us. 😊

rosesonthefloor · 2024-02-12T01:26:37+00:00

Perhaps the metaphor might be helpful for others, but the idea of having/awarding/deducting “points” in a relationship doesn’t really resonate with me. Although I agree with some of your points, as I understand them.

I agree more with u/Wife_and_Mama that people will be generally aware of a feel for the balance in a relationship, and that that affects their behavior and how they approach the other person, without points being needed. And I agree with you, too, that there can often be a disconnect between how partners show and receive love from each other which can then lead to relationship imbalances.

In a healthy relationship, partners should laud each other’s successes, share their positive feelings, compliment each other, help them out, give them thoughtful gifts, and express gratitude sincerely and often. But I don’t think that needs to be quantified so granularly, nor should points be “deducted” for missteps, when the goal should be always be finding ways to build back that connection rather than punishing our partners for their mistakes. That reeks of a covert contract, and that will absolutely lead to resentment. So I agree with you also that communication is necessary.

But I think it’s more up to us as women to recognize that often, men express love and their loving gestures differently than we might want or expect, and that’s okay. That’s part of loving another human being - they’re going to be different from us in many ways. And to recognize the ways that they do show us their love, and allow that to shift our perspective from a place of lack (“he didn’t do this”) to a place of gratitude (“but he did this”). Reducing loving acts to points takes the love out of it and makes the relationship more transactional (“you do this and I do this”) rather than an expression of care for the other person (“I do this because I love you, and you do this because you love me”).

I also don’t think it’s necessarily our job to balance the relationship unless we’re the ones not holding up our end, or setting up a covert contract by doing way too much and having un-communicated expectations. (It’s also possible if it’s way out of whack that the woman failed to vet properly, but for the purposes of this comment we’re assuming that she has.) Nor is it our responsibility to outline specific ways for him to “even the score,” which could come across as nagging or controlling.

That being said, women should absolutely ask for what they need. That is crucial so that our partners know how they can help us when we need it. But I also think that for the most part, that balancing is up to him. And if you’re with a good man, he will do absolutely that, if you let him. Because part of submitting is allowing him the space to decide what that looks like, rather than deciding that for him.

And maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t imagine any man reacting super well to being “scored” on what he does in the relationship for a week, then having that quantified and compared to what she does in such an explicit way, for the purposes of her telling him what he can do to “even the score”. Boyfriends and husbands don’t need us to give them report cards. And I don’t know, it just sounds like a recipe for turning a relationship into a competition rather than a shared team activity.

CountTheBees · 2024-02-12T01:36:08+00:00

I think doing this might play into another typically feminine behaviour, ie mistaking what we think we are attracted to vs what we are actually attracted to. For example, the idea that him taking out the trash helps me submit to him is nonsense. Someone keeping such a scorecard might also be very bad at distinguishing what she is actually attracted to.

Several TRP theories underscore the fact that women are not good at distinguishing what attracts them, and often make a man less attractive to them than when they started the relationship. A controversial example of such a strategy would be dread game in a relationship where the man does not have enough alpha green flags. It could even be passive dread game (raising SMV) rather than overt flirting or encouraging interest from other women. The point is that him changing his SMV will absolutely threaten the woman and make her feel bad, especially if her own SMV is now far below his. If such a woman was keeping such a scorecard she'd probably put "spending too much time at the gym - minus 50 points!". But the idea is that it will also strengthen her attraction to him and encourage her to improve her own SMV. This is the basis of the Male Action Plan from Athol Kay.

Such a scorecard as you suggest is likely to encourage more beta behaviour in the man, which could backfire if he is not alpha enough in the first place.As someone who has fought the battle over domestic duties, lost, and submitted anyway in a previous relationship - I don't think that, domestic chores for example, matter. What matters is his ability to be the rock when everything is going wrong. And that's simply not something that happens often enough to record on a weekly or daily basis. It could happen maybe twice or four times a year. I don't even know how many points it would be - a thousand, a million, a billion? It outshines everything I did.

How many points do I award for him keeping the ability to plan out the next five years in his head and subtly correct us towards that plan? What if I don't even notice him doing this when it's always at the back of his mind? How many points do I award him for my relatively carefree, blissful existence knowing everything is in train? And how many points do I award myself for doing things that bring a smile to his face that I don't even know I'm doing?

I can't speak for how others minds work but the way I see relationships is a lot more holistic than this. I know there's things he's doing I don't notice and I know there's things I'm doing the he doesn't notice and it doesn't matter because I'm happy, my needs are met, we're on the right track and we have great plans that we are progressing towards.

The only time I've gotten resentful were times when there was too little communication about future plans because he felt the need to hide some of his worries away from me. But once I got the information I needed I felt much better because I could track where we were again.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-12T00:35:50+00:00

I feel like people just keep score cards in relationships in general. If you're the only one putting anything into a friendship, that knowledge is retained somewhere. If you call your sister and she never calls you, you're aware of that. This isn't unique. How far into the back or forefront of the mind is really the issue.

So, yeah, I have a scorecard for my husband, but it's not anywhere near the front of my mind, unless things have become pretty noticeably unbalanced. I also absolutely communicate these issues to my husband. I've actually said:

"Hey, I'm really glad you have hobbies you enjoy, but you've been really into them lately. You're kind of falling down on your job with things around the house."

This wasn't a fight. There was no drama. He apologized. I thanked him. He fixed the issue. I can communicate without nagging. So, in short, I think you're just ascribing something fairly normal and human to women, as a fault. To some extent, people should keep track of these things, in jobs, in friendships, with family, and in relationships. It just shouldn't be a primary focus. I guarantee most men keep track of how often they get sex or how many times they get a weekend to go golfing/fishing/hunting.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-02-12T03:41:11+00:00

First of all, I often think there are two ways to view human nature/relationships/love: some like to act as audience members enamored by magic tricks, and some would prefer to be behind the curtain to watch how the illusion is manufactured. I find that I very much like to learn about both: my knowledge of the behind-the-scenes does not ruin the magic of the trick. Others may prefer just one.

I think your post is very much the latter: you are describing something in technical terms and because of the format it simply won't resonate with some people. No big deal, I've written posts like this before myself.

As for the content of your post, I have more experience with my partner keeping score than the other way around. He does it subconsciously of course, but he will become resentful if he feels our responsibilities are out of balance. My preferred way to combat this is to ask him to give me 1-2 tasks to do that day. Helps me prioritize what'll actually make the most impact on his mood.

RatchedAngle · 2024-02-12T00:32:45+00:00

This is where females, sadly, become too passive. Women very rarely confront of discuss their desires for small /thoughtful acts from their men.

Women who do this are often accused of nagging and told to STFU, even on this very subreddit. “Don’t be a pain in the ass to your husband. Smile and be pretty and be a soft place for him to land, and then he will naturally give you what you need.”

At some point we need to admit that we’re giving women mixed advice.

And what should women do if the man doesn’t show interest in the card? Or he calls it ridiculous (as most rational mature HVM would)? Or he forgets about it the next day and goes right back to what he was doing?

teachtao · 2024-02-12T17:46:52+00:00

Reading this reminded of the revolutionary couple therapy that came about in the mid 90s, foam bats.

While I do see the idea and potential benefit for some people in some situations, this is so far from RP philosophy I'm not sure why it was shared here. A good leader won't need a scorecard, I get that this could be fun or helpful for some in some circumstances but it is a fundamental power shift in a relationship that will not benefit a relationship long term.

How is it not an overt tool to manipulate a man to do things you want? How is this letting a man take the lead? How is this submission to man worthy of it? It feels like the opposite to me.

When I read the comment "Telling them their partner is going to tell them to stop nagging or that they're "stupid" actually perfectly highlights why red pill isn't a good relationship strategy." I raised my eyebrows. While relationships certainly need a framework to discuss the emotional aspect of a relationship, I think it's important to note that the nature of men should be kept in mind, being half of the relationship. I'd suggest that some modification to level out the power dynamic in this would have some benefit. Maybe two scorecards or maybe none.

Enjoyed the principle but this needs work, imho.

Agreeable-Comedian24 · 2024-02-12T01:47:59+00:00

This sounds incredibly unhealthy. If I brought this metaphorical score card to my bf he would think I’ve lost my mind.

Years ago I dated a man who said, in this relationship we’re not keeping score. That really stuck with me because people do ‘keep score’ to some degree in all parts of their life. But keeping it to a minimum in romantic relationships seems much healthier. As others have said if things seem unbalanced for a while then it may be time to pay more attention but this is not good advice.

Sweatpant-Diva · 2024-02-12T00:29:09+00:00

OP is a man for sure.

d4nm4r1ch4n · 2024-02-12T01:35:45+00:00

so sorry for holding you accountable for the shit you do

so sorry for noticing changes in patterns

you might want to marry a Dory

AutoModerator · 2024-02-12T00:08:20+00:00

Title: How Women Keep Score

Author Egoistchan

Full text: I have a challenge for the RPW in this group that are in LTR's. This also works for vetting stage but is more or less oriented for couples. I want to introduce the following idea, and please sit and think about whether or not you engage in this behavior.

a) Women keep a scorecard of their partners behavior that influences their willingness to submit.

b) A lack of submission, or the presence of resentment, is because women become aware the scorecard is unbalanced and want it evened.

c) women do not confront their partner about the uneven scorecard, leading him to be blindsided when one day they suddenly break down or argue over "something small" (in his opinion)

Let me explain. Women give points to their partners based on what he's done - forever. Say for example, your partner goes to work 5 days a week - he gets awarded 5 points. Say he takes out the trash - that's 1 point per time trash taken out. Say he surprises her with a fancy dinner date - that's 10 points! Say he gives her a sweet forehead kiss - that's 1 point! And so on. Most women are aware of this behavior even if they don't consciously "keep score".

Women also do this with their behavior - if she cooks him dinner, she awards herself a point. If she takes care of him while he's sick, she'll award herself 3 points. And so on. She's mentally keeping track of every single gesture in the relationship, and very often knows exactly what she's done versus what she gets in return. This is how her mind works, and how women track their partners commitment and feelings of love.

So, women keep a scorecard. In this system, men can lose points without even realizing it. If he brushes off her need to vent about a problem, he loses 3 points. If he yells at her in public, that's 10 points. Etc etc. He is not keeping a scorecard and usually forgets what's happened within a few days. But she hasn't! She's mentally adding up ALL the things she's done for him in the relationship and also HIS points.

If she's done 30 things worth 1 point each, and he's done 3 things worth 5 points each, she concludes he doesn't care for her anymore EVEN IF those 3 things worth 5 points were sweet gestures, like a dinner date. Women care very much about the quantity of gestures they receive. If she's used to getting a forehead kiss worth 1 point every day, she will feel ignored if he stops giving her forehead kisses, regardless if he's performed an action "worth" more, like buying her a brand new car.

This is a crucial different between men and women. Women prioritize regular, small, loving gestures. Men prioritize big, more irregular, loving gestures. By buying you a car, he's awarded himself 20 points, but to his partner he gets at max, 10 points. It's not that women don't appreciate big gestures, or being provided for, it's that they feel more loved and appreciated by performing regular, smaller gestures like they do for men. When they don't receive the gestures (the scorecard becomes unbalanced to a ratio of 20-to-1, let's say) THEN women begin to feel very resentful and taken for granted. Men think they have suddenly become ungrateful, but 99% of the time the female partner simply wants to recalibrate the scores.

This is where females, sadly, become too passive. Women very rarely confront of discuss their desires for small /thoughtful acts from their men. They assume that their partners see them struggling and intuitively understand what they need. But as I said before: men do not keep score! They simply don't remember what they've done (or haven't done) that will keep the scorecard balanced.

I challenge women here to physically write out their scorecard. They way you award points will depend on you, but please just try honestly write out the acts you awarded points for versus what you took away. When you've done this for a week, tell your partner. Tell them the big gestures you appreciated from them and show them the points they got. I guarantee men will be very interested in this process (the competitive ones will hopefully try beat their positive score in the future!) AND also tell them what you deducted points for. Don't be petty and deduct a point for something silly, like he forgot something at the store. Deduct points for things that impacted both your mental state as well as your feelings for him. Then tell him how he can even the score!

I guarantee this exercise will make you more self aware as well as aware of how men show love and affection. Good luck.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-12T00:08:20+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disapear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

basedtrader_dev · 2024-02-16T03:57:04+00:00

So if I kiss my girlfriend on the head say 10-15 times in rapid succession, does that equate to 15 points? Or is a logarithmic transformation applied in that scenario?

Title	How Women Keep Score
Author	Egoistchan
Upvotes	30
Comments	48
Date	February 12, 2024 12:08 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1aommzn/how_women_keep_score/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-women-keep-score.1245175 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245175

Comments