Is it possible to overcome Alpha Widowing or should I just settle/stay single forever?

Vinegar88 · 2022-11-02T21:57:47+00:00

"I took him for granted many times"

"I was not emotionally stable and mature enough"

"I was very focused in my career"

I don't think a man would stay in a 7 year relationship just to have a "stepping stone." You don't paint yourself as a woman inspiring commitment from an "alpha" type of man.

It's been four years. You have to get over it, and drop the woe-is-me bit, especially at your age. I feel bad for your current boyfriend, I can't imagine the feeling of my partner describing me as "good-enough" and how you can't picture him as your husband. Cut him loose, so he can find someone who won't constantly be measuring him against another man.

sicrm · 2022-11-02T21:14:49+00:00

not saying this to be mean, but if another guy like your ex wanted to seriously date you, it would’ve happened sometime in the last 4 years.

that doesn’t mean you should just stay with this guy though.

if you can’t respect him like you would ex you built up in your head, at some point there’s a chance he’ll notice and your relationship will start to go downhill.

Jenneapolis · 2022-11-02T21:33:43+00:00

You said that this guy used you as a steppingstone to get to greener pastures so I take that to mean you believe he actually never had an intent to settle down with you. Keep this in mind when you evaluate future men against him. Did you really have him if he never intended to get serious? What is the saying, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? It’s the same phenomenon as women hooking up with incredible guys and thinking they deserve the same in a relationship when in Reality those guys would never settle down with them.

To be clear, I am in your shoes at a similar age. The choice to settle or not is entirely yours to make but it’s tough out there and I can’t believe you would toss this guy aside only because he doesn’t fit into some image you have in your head of your husband. We are not 25 anymore, we have to compromise somehow and if this guy makes you feel peaceful and happy, not sure I understand the issue.

rachie2312 · 2022-11-02T21:39:37+00:00

Personally i cant offer much of RD advice since im very new on this but i can tell you is that what you are giving a priority matters. In your score of things; masculinity, status, looks (the things you missed now) are pitching higher than loving, caring, loyal. But you forget that those 'amazing' traits abandoned you after you give the best years of your youth to him. Loving, loyal, sweet come from the inside not outside things like the ones you are giving focus and faded as he did. Maybe your ex was once all of those things but he was not for sure at the end. My terapist often say to me that we day-dreaming about things that never truly happened and build a fantasy but is not real. In a world when you married him, there is an equal oportunity for you to be miserable, sad and already divorced by now; or maybe happy but the fantásy take away the bad parts of everything and the reality of a situation. You cant fully now how married life would have been with him -good or bad- but you cant to continue living there because is not real and your ilusion is doing more harm than good. Maybe remembering the bad parts of him will do more good to you, because you humanize him more giving him bad attributes not the perfect guy in your mind because he is not. If he used you as you explained is something to think more often, along the lines of "he is handsome, masculine and tough but he used me so i DESERVE BETTER.

Is also the way you think of yourself: as you are more than your current bf. Settling is often a term for accepting less than we deserved and sets you for unhappiness right at the start.

You set yourself as a type of Alpha widow which is often described as a Chad (10) dating a 5-7 or lower girl. Using this paradigma, then the chance of finding a 9-10 again in a 5 average world is very difficult because there are 20-25 girl compiting for their attention and lot of them dont settle easily and if they do is often with a younger girl. Avarage men and women can be happy together.

Change your mentality about your ex and yourself.

OkProfessional9405 · 2022-11-02T21:47:10+00:00

I think your dating market value 4 years ago (and the 7 years before that) is quite a bit higher than your dating market currently and that will change even more over the next 4 years.

So the challenge I've seen is not falling into the trap of demanding/expecting to attract your peak market value match when you are no longer at peak market value. Most of the high value men your age want to date the 10-15 year younger version of you.

There's a wave of 'post family' men in their 50s and older who would still see you as a prize, though I'm not sure if marriage is your goal, many would be post divorce and would just want an at will partner to enjoy time with.

I guess the first question that comes to mind is what is your goal now? You probably have moved passed the family stage, so where do you see yourself ideally?

AdorableCelery891 · 2022-11-02T21:06:23+00:00

Are you attracted to your current guy?

Marissa_Smiles · 2022-11-03T01:43:20+00:00

This is difficult. I don’t believe your previous partner invested that much time for game. It sounds like he genuinely cared for you. You admitted that you made the mistake of not appreciating him while you were together. Are you continuing this cycle with your new guy? You listed some great qualities. Why does that feel like settling to you? It’s possible he just isn’t the right match. If that’s the case move forward fast. But leave the thoughts of your ex behind you. No more comparisons. Live in your current reality. I do not mean to be hurtful, you’re 36 and have expressed wanting a family. It’s possible you won’t get everything you want in a partner in the short amount of time you have. No matter how smart, good looking etc you can’t compete with girls in their 20s.

bottomLobster · 2022-11-02T21:29:46+00:00

You mention your standards, others will talk about it as tingles or chemistry, but your ex was not your prince charming at all, was he? I believe you can change who you are attracted to, if you really want, but it's not an easy process.

sunglasses90 · 2022-11-03T12:07:30+00:00

If your goal is marriage you shouldn’t be dating someone you definitely feel is not marriage potential…. For whatever reason.

It’s true that you’re in high competition for men your age. Plenty of women in their 20’s are happy to date guys in their 30’s. You may need to bump up your age range to 40’s so that you’re the younger one which give you an advantage. Dating older usually helps form a more redpill relationship naturally if that’s your goal. Also, If you’re a relatively high earning career woman dating older also helps you find someone earning more than you. My fiancé is 9.5 years older and it works really well for us.

Don’t settle because it’s not fair to you or the guy. But definitely figure out what’s not working about these relationships and come up with some new approaches. Don’t waste 4 months on a guy you know you won’t marry - that window to have children is closing.

Easy-Distance1 · 2022-11-02T23:38:14+00:00

You have the classic rose colored glasses on. Also, how old was your ex? How'd the pressure of no commitment not rise & what do you do for work that distracted you so? clear into your early thirties? Cause my advice would be adopt the mindset that this very well may be as good as it gets for you

MuckPump · 2022-11-03T01:44:57+00:00

In all sincerity it sounds to me like your insecurity is a major factor in all of this. I’m be rather presumptuous, but I don’t get the impression you feel you measure up to your own standards. If you follow your explanation very closely, you say you don’t seem to see the “worth” of your last relationship until he left you, which you then blamed yourself for and put him on a pedestal for veneration as YOUR “Alpha Male”. It sounds to me like you’re chasing yourself here. I know you say you’ve done therapy, but I hope you continue it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could be an excellent fit for you if you haven’t already tried that yet.

My advice is tough, but honest. Start learning to love yourself and you will eventually start attracting people who you’ll respect and value because you’ll respect and value yourself. Until you can get to that point, you will always find issue with someone who loves you because you will see that as an inherent flaw since you don’t feel the person you are is worth loving. In a nutshell you’re settling for them, because you believe they are settling for you. Stop beating yourself up and start accepting who you are! When you believe you are worthy of love, you’ll be ready to accept the love that IS right for you. I sincerely wish you the best. You sound like someone who is kind and just wants to be happy. You can have it, just not the way you are currently going about it.

marissa_ds · 2022-11-02T23:39:47+00:00

This will be unpopular but let me empathize with you: a close and dear friend divorced and married a person that she wasn't proud of. The guy had good characteristics, just everybody knew she was out of his league. She tried hard, and once married, the guy blundered horribly. Nobody knows what happened, he kind of auto-destroyed himself, started behaving horribly. She stayed put for some time, then the guy started showing signs of cheating, and he finally cheated. She of course left, but in retrospective she repents much more of this than her first marriage. Trust your gut.

I have some recommendations:

- clarify what you want. Lots to learn in r/RedPillWomen .
- be clear with yourself, and then your current bf, about your current situation. I'd frame it as "I love you but I'm still undecided" or something around that argument. Maybe ask for time or space to evaluate? But I don't think it's healthy for any of you to continue as you currently are. As you describe it, I think it's better to risk losing your current bf than to continue with the eternal comparison. I almost think it would be best to let him leave and stay in touch as friends with a possible future comeback.

- try and move beyond your ex. If it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. We all do mistakes. The main thing is you learn what happened, where you could have done things better, but totally close that door. I don't know if it helps but, you know, every time he comes to mind you can think he might have cheated on you or give you an incurable sickness. In other words, he is dead to you. I hope you are still not in touch with him, but if it helps you can think of him as another person, different to who he was before. Whatever takes, please learn and move. You haven't moved if you are still comparing people to him.

Beyond that, I think the basic idea for someone looking is to move and try to know people that interests you. Like actively searching. For example, when you mention your friends breaking up with people you like, you might want to get close and try to get to know those men? I know it sounds more difficult, but I know there's plenty of fish in the water. I think you need to focus on having real options.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-11-03T14:09:59+00:00

Let the guy go.

ddeltadt · 2022-11-03T19:00:33+00:00

“I can feel how other people judge us as a couple, like it’s obvious I’d normally be out of his league”

I think you should read that sentence a few times over and ponder this very point. Are you looking for someone to start a family with and raise kids with or someone that makes you look good to complete strangers? And if you find that it’s the latter… figure out why.

LateralThinker13 · 2022-11-04T15:25:49+00:00

Reality check time.

During 25-32 years old I was in a 7 year relationship in what to this day I still consider to be the ideal man for me.

You wasted seven prime years and got no commitment from it. Doesn't sound ideal.

t the end he broke up with me in the most cruel of ways, I now think he used me as a stepping stone

This is pure cope.

I have been working really hard in developing myself, embracing my femininity, workout, looks, therapy...you name it, I really want to be the best wife and mother prospect that the right man for me could come across. I honestly think I have developed myself to be a great catch.

Okay, let's say you really are doing all of that. At 36. So here's my usual question:

"What do you offer men, that they want, and that other women do not?"

I just cannot seem to attract a man that I can see myself sharing my life with, I am hitting a wall real hard.

You've hit THE Wall.

At work, in the street, at the gym, etc I notice a lot of men check me out

Goddess save me from women who think getting male attention = value. This is MEANINGLESS. Men will check out the tits on a grandmother if they look halfway decent. Doesn't mean anything.

But the only men that ask me out for dating just do not measure up to my standards, I constantly compare them to my prototype of man who was my ex.

So... unrealistic expectations, impossible standard, not judging them by how they are growing and evolving, but by a standard they can't see and can't compete with? Yeah, that sounds both healthy and fair.

I really enjoy my time with him, we have a great connection and he makes me feel a peace and stability that I did not feel with anyone for years and which I am really needing. I just cannot help but feel that I am settling with him, that all his good characteristics are not enough since he lacks the looks, status, drive, masculinity etc. that my ex had.

Your ex LEFT. You are not as high value as you think you are. You are a 5, bitching because the 5 you're with doesn't measure up to the 9 you had and who LEFT you.

I can already feel how other people judge us as a couple, like it is obvious that I would normally be out of his league.

Wow, so what others think matters more than how much "peace and stability" he brings you?

what would be the RPW advice and way to go? Continue with my current boyfriend and assume that this is the best it can get for me (he really has a lot of good traits and I do not want to lose him, I just cannot picture him as my husband)? Or breakup and risk losing a good-enough man, continuing hitting the wall and end up alone?

Therapy, and lots of it. You have a really skewed (but albeit very common) inflated idea of your value and worth, and you locate way too much of your worth in what others think of you, and you ignore your needs in favor of pipe dreams that never were. I would tell you to settle for the guy you're with, but I'm not sure that's fair to him.

Can you treat him like the worthwhile partner he is? Or will you always pine for your lost alpha and roll your eyes at the lower-value partner who actually wants to stick around? Because if you aren't over that prior guy, and you can't recalibrate your self-image to reflect that you aren't all that, you're going to be miserable regardless of what you do.

And if you're going to be miserable, you might as well spare some other poor schlub from suffering with you.

/end of reality check

AutoModerator · 2022-11-02T21:01:47+00:00

Title: Is it possible to overcome Alpha Widowing or should I just settle/stay single forever?

Full text: I have come to the conclusion that I may be experiencing something similar to an Alpha Widow situation. During 25-32 years old I was in a 7 year relationship in what to this day I still consider to be the ideal man for me. He was definitely not the prototype of an Alpha guy, but he had many characteristics that I still long for and I have not been able to find in another man. I was very attracted to his appearance, intelligence, personality, sense of humor, values... but I still took him for granted many times during the relationship since I was not emotionally stable and mature enough at that time. I was very focused in my career and did not ask for further commitment from him, since I assumed eventually we would get married and start a family. At the end he broke up with me in the most cruel of ways, I now think he used me as a stepping stone meanwhile he was developing professionally and then moved on looking for greener pastures.

It has been 4 years and I have not been able to really move on. I always think of him as the one who got away. In my mind I still have the fantasy of our wedding, home and children which will never happen. I have been working really hard in developing myself, embracing my femininity, workout, looks, therapy...you name it, I really want to be the best wife and mother prospect that the right man for me could come across. I honestly think I have developed myself to be a great catch. I just cannot seem to attract a man that I can see myself sharing my life with, I am hitting a wall real hard.

At work, in the street, at the gym, etc I notice a lot of men check me out (many of them even being next to their couples). But the only men that ask me out for dating just do not measure up to my standards, I constantly compare them to my prototype of man who was my ex. I am dating for 4 months now a really loving, caring, sweet, loyal, good hearted guy who clearly wants to build a future with me. I really enjoy my time with him, we have a great connection and he makes me feel a peace and stability that I did not feel with anyone for years and which I am really needing. I just cannot help but feel that I am settling with him, that all his good characteristics are not enough since he lacks the looks, status, drive, masculinity etc. that my ex had. I can already feel how other people judge us as a couple, like it is obvious that I would normally be out of his league. I am just very lonely, love-starved and feel that I am left behind when all my peers settle and start families.

With 36 y.o. and this situation, what would be the RPW advice and way to go? Continue with my current boyfriend and assume that this is the best it can get for me (he really has a lot of good traits and I do not want to lose him, I just cannot picture him as my husband)? Or breakup and risk losing a good-enough man, continuing hitting the wall and end up alone?

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mistressusa · 2022-11-04T03:58:39+00:00

If you want bio children, then settling for your current bf seems to be your best bet. Dropping him and starting from scratch at 36 seems risky. Especially given your lack of success in the last 4 years in attracting men of your ex's caliber.

Title	Is it possible to overcome Alpha Widowing or should I just settle/stay single forever?
Author	Glum_Palpitation_587
Upvotes	20
Comments	41
Date	November 2, 2022 9:01 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ykhap6/is_it_possible_to_overcome_alpha_widowing_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-possible-to-overcome-alpha-widowing-or.1138378 https://theredarchive.com/post/1138378

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