Dear RedPillWomen, I wanted to share my story with you, so hopefully it would help younger women looking for a traditional family life not to make the same mistakes that I did, and hopefully to get some good advice on what would be best to do in my situation...I feel pretty desperate and I think this community can provide some valuable points of view.

I was raised in a traditional family, but somehow my sister and I were educated with modern values in which education and career success were the most important goals to achieve in life. My parents never transmitted us the importance of finding a good partner at a certain age and settling to create a family before it was too late. Most of my life I lived according to modern bluepill values and if I look at my sexual past during my teenager years and early 20s I am totally ashamed of myself, having had more sexual partners than I can even recall and passing by many chances to have meaningful LTRs. Therapy has helped me to forgive myself and understand that this behavior was coming from a place of self-hatred and very low self steem.

When I was hitting rock bottom with this unhealthy lifestyle I met who was so far the love of my life (f26/m25). He was from a different country and I saw in him the opportunity of leaving behind my tumultuous past and start a new life, plus I loved him to pieces. After one year of living together, with no talk of marriage of kids on the table (I thought at that time I was too young for that) I decided to leave my country and all that was dear to me to move with him to his country.

The change was harder than I though it would be and I started to feel depressed living there, but I decided to continue my studies in there so I would be able to find a good job. I have been always very intellectual, an overachiever which always aimed at being the best in the class (what my parents always valued me for) and these studies became my obsession to the point and I forgot about being a good girlfriend for my ex.

At the end of my studies, since I was feeling so unhappy living there, I looked for a job opportunity in a 3rd country and my ex wanted to move there together. This job became my passion, I threw myself completely into it and I ended up being completely stressed out, not pleasant to be around, but somehow everyone around me was praising me for it since it has a certain level of prestige. Meanwhile, I noticed that my ex started to get kind of jealous for my success and not happy that my job was such a priority for me, we started to fight more and more, he started to go out more and drink heavily with a group of friends. Every time I joined them I felt unwelcomed, like my ex was laughing about me with them and make ironic comments about our "future", and heard comments like it is not a good thing to have a too dominant or too intellectual girlfriend.

One month after I stopped taking contraceptives (since I started to hint about the idea about getting married and we started to talk about having kids), just before my 32th birthday, we had a big fight, and he broke up with me out of the blue to go back to his home country. After seven years living together, it took him one week to pack his stuff and move out, living me heartbroken and completely alone in a foreign country. In one hand he said he wanted to explore his possibilities with other women and do things without me, since I had been his only girlfriend. But he also said we will get married and have kids, but I had to immediately quit my job (no compromise there) and follow him to his country. After this I fell into a deep depression and PTSD for 3 months, I survived thanks to my family and friends, he just travelled around and videocalled me, he seemed happy to see me suffer for him and he not once came to visit me.

After that we continued visiting each other for one year, since apparently he now really wanted me to join him in his new life, promised me marriage and children, but I was so traumatized by the whole breakup that I had panic attacks everytime I visited him in his country. My trust was completely broken and I was not able to have sex with him ever again. With all the pain in my heart, I had to let him go.

For two years after that I was in nun mode while trying online dating, with the hope of finding my hopefully future husband. I then faced the reality of being a 33 year old professional single woman in a foreign country: dates with men that only wanted casual sex, with psychological or physical problems, not at all physically attractive... But I didn't give up and put an effort into increasing my feminine energy and being a bit more submissive but trying to keep my boundaries.

When I was about to give up any hope I met my current partner (f35/m41). The first two months we dated it felt just too good to be true, he acted like a gentleman and treated me very well, he was also single and in the city for work reasons, and also wanted to settle and start a family. We were engaged after 3 months of dating and we moved together since I wanted to try out as soon as possible if we are compatible when living together.

Since then, everything has changed and all the possible red flags started to appear. He does not know how to cook and refuses to ever learn how to, leaves his messes all around the apartment without any kind of order or structure, skips showers and doesnt brush his teeth, makes chauvinist jokes and watches pictures of naked girls in their 20s in front of me, he stays up very late at night watching movies or playing video games and can sleep until later than noon during the weekend, many times his weekend plan is to be a couch potato, he has an explosive anger and has turned verbally abusive several times towards me when we have been having conflicts. He also seems to have a lot of conflicts with friends and people at work, and he claims that people cannot handle somehow that he is in the right or superior than them. Somehow I have the impression that I also trigger these reactions in him and I don't know how to properly motivate him to be a better version of himself (he anyway thinks that I am the one with the problem).

The first months of living together I tried to apply redpill principles, trying to make a nice home, cooking for us everyday, acting more feminine...but since he want us both to work full time and my job is much more demanding than his (he works from home) I ended up being completely burnt out after having to take care of absolutely all the house work. And it made me totally resentful to see how he decided to live like a spoiled teenager meanwhile I was trying to prove myself to be a good future wife.

After this experience I realized that somehow its not in my nature to be a redpill woman, at least with this kind of partner. I want to continue to be economically independent, since I don´t trust that a man would have much power over me if I have no income , but I am also getting more and more stressed and burnt out at my work. Now that I have lived with my partner for more than one year I realized that I have lost all respect for him, I start to reject him sexually and I dont trust him at all as a capitan, therefore I start to act more masculine and dominant to make things happen and we have strong fights constantly.

This man is the best prospect I came across after two years of onlinedating, and I feel he is my last chance at having a family life. We are supposed to get married in summer and we have tried for a baby, since my biological clock is ticking really strongly and on top of everything I have being diagnosed with fertility problems . Now I am divided between binding my life to this man, which does not make me happy, but offers me the possibility of marriage and kids, at the risk of being miserable for the rest of my life, or facing a breakup at 36 and trying to have kids via IVF with a sperm donor. I wish my parents would have warned me of this scenario when I started to make adult decisions that would affect the rest of my life and I would recommend all the women reading this taking the marriage/kids issue much more seriously at a younger age.

I really would love to know what you ladies think it would be the best option in my situation. Also I would like to know what do you think about the reasons for my exboyfriends behaviour, if he really intended to marry and have kids with me or he was just wasting my most fertile years knowingly and took advantage of me. To this day I still regret that I focused on my career when we were together and madly in love, instead of rising the marriage and kids issue much earlier, the regret of not having his kids will chase me for the rest of my life.

If you made it all the way here thanks a lot for reading me and sorry for the extremely long post!