Telling a bloke you intend to stay a virgin until married

needmorefat · 2015-03-24T17:54:00+00:00

Realistically if you want to be a virgin till marriage, then you need to choose a guy who wants the same thing. You should probably find him at the same religious institution that convinced you that this is what you want.

Speaking as a man, few men who have experienced sex is going to commit without having sex. Because we know, if the sex isn't good, the relationship will suck, and who wants to gamble on that?

aZombieKitten · 2015-03-24T19:17:44+00:00

Perhaps it's better to say that you're focused on LTRs/are marriage-minded instead of being focused on flings and short-term relationships like many people. If he also says he's marriage-minded, you have something to work with and may be able to bring up the "virgin until marriage" aspect without it being an immediate scare for a guy.

Camille11325 · 2015-03-24T17:12:10+00:00

Hey I know exactly where you're coming from but could you answer some questions so that I can give a more tailored response?

Where are you meeting these guys?
How soon are you telling them your intentions regarding sex?
Where and when are you telling them? In a restaurant or in bed, 5 seconds before he tries to go all the way?
How are you telling these men? What are the words and tone that you generally use?

Looking forward to your response!

tofeelforever · 2015-03-24T18:43:00+00:00

Your phrasing is all off. Whether you intend to or not, you are giving them an ultimatum.

Instead, you should try approaching it with "I am not ready to have sex with someone until I am sure of the relationship". Which is true without putting marriage on the table in the very beginning of the relationship.

DoctorWelch · 2015-03-24T19:39:33+00:00

From what I have read it seems to me you are simply telling them too quickly before the guy has any time to get to know you.

For instance, if I know a girl is not going to have sex with me I am much less likely to engage with her because I feel like I am wasting my time. Yet, if I know a girl is a virgin I am much more likely to desire a LTR with her and excuse the lack of sex but ONLY IF everything else she is bringing to the table is good and we have a connection.

No matter what you do some guys will leave you because they just want a lay, other guys won't leave because that is what they want, and others will be in between and be scared off if you tell them to early. So, my advice would be to get to know them fairly well, go on a few dates, and then maybe talk about it after you feel like you have a connection.

Reddthrown · 2015-03-24T23:01:29+00:00

You should look for those men where they are likely to be. Mostly churches, and other conservative groups. There may also be religious dating websites you could consider.

Also, don't mention it on the first date. I might be willing to date someone like that, but would see it as attention seeking if it is mentioned immediately.

Ojisan1 · 2015-03-24T18:16:52+00:00

Am I going about this wrong?

Dating (as my shrink always tells me) is a filtering process. The ones who vanish are probably not what you're looking for. Let them filter themselves out, so you aren't wasting your time.

That being said, what do you mean you tell them "upfront"? If it's your first thing you say before you get to know anything else about the person, that seems to me to be a bit too forward. It would definitely put me off if I go on a date and the first thing the girl tells me is "I want to be a virgin on my wedding day". I'd be thinking "whoa! let's get to know each other a bit first, before we start talking about weddings and your virginity!"

Have some comfortable, fun time to get to know each other a bit before you bring this up. It should only be relevant if you start to get intimate, not before that. Then if they still vanish, you know it's because they don't want that, and not because you scared them off by talking about such a detail too soon.

DevilishRogue · 2015-03-24T19:24:37+00:00

The younger and less serious the guy the more likely they are to bail on you. The more serious the guy the less likely they are to bail on you. But bear in mind that this isn't exactly the sort of topic you should be having on the first few dates anyway.

A-Promise · 2015-03-24T23:57:17+00:00

1) Meet men who are already like minded to filter out men who want a ONS or FWB. Not at clubs, perhaps through mutual friends, maybe either younger guys who haven't had sex yet and want to wait or older guys who are ready to settle down soon.

2) Make clear in the first few weeks of getting to know each other that you are looking for exclusive long term relationships to weed out anyone who may have slipped through the net.

3) When you have both decided that you want to date exclusively let him know where your boundaries are ("we can kiss but I don't feel comfortable doing more than that with anyone until I'm married because I'd like to save myself for marriage.") and if he voices that he doesn't want to continue to date you then you just stop.

ThorsdaySaturnday · 2015-03-25T01:14:30+00:00

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I am not at all religious, but I feel that sex is a sacred and highly intimate experience meant to be shared with only the worthiest. This would be someone to whom you are married.

Your virginal status is no one else's business but your own. It's not necessary to disclose it so early on in the relationship. If you must disclose, I would say wait until after the third date. If a guy is really interested in you, he will pursue the relationship even after you refuse sex. If he ditches you, then that's a clear sign that he's not worthy. I actually know quite a few men and women who are not religious, but prefer to hold out for marriage. They are out there!! Take heart.

cxj · 2015-03-24T18:54:21+00:00

I'm not trying to change your mind or anything here, but one important thing to consider is that society really is not structured towards waiting till marriage anymore. The wait till marriage model is based around societies where people marry as teenagers, and there are practical working gender roles in place. In modern society, being middle class requires a dual income family model where two adults have finished extensive educations, have established careers and purchased property. The fastest most people can really do this is their late 20s. Most people, especially guys, cant wait that long for sex and shouldn't have to. Its unnatural. People didn't date for years before marrying most of the time, they courted for a few months while their families hashed out a business deal or whatever.

RP goes strongly against the grain in many ways for both genders.

FleetingWish · 2015-03-24T21:50:18+00:00

Most guys now-a-days won't go for that deal because there are too many women willing to give it up cheap and easy.

DrJawn · 2015-03-25T00:05:28+00:00

I'd say that you're going to have to meet a guy half way. Once you like him enough to allow him into your feelings and continue to pursue a relationship with him, instead of having sex with him as most people would do, you'll have to tell him you want to wait but in the meantime you're ok with oral or something along those lines. You make your ground rules and see where everyone is at.

Also, if you're not religious, don't marry a religious guy. It'll be a clusterfuck.

Also, everyone is right about looking for men in new places. I'd try trying to meet someone at yoga or somewhere else where centered intelligent people gather (i.e. not a bar) OR really, your best bet is online. That way you can weed out the idiots who are just trying to jump in your knickers before you even go out on the first date.

EvidentlyTrue · 2015-03-24T17:19:53+00:00

These guys are probably not worth your time and they only want to bone you. Find a man who likes you for who you are, and not for a chance at sex.

Red-Zen · Tue Mar 24 19:12:22 2015 UTC

In today's hook up culture

In this post-9/11 world...

But there's been many that are "cool" with the idea but just vanish off the face of the earth first chance they get.

Good. They obviously werent right for you, and you obviously werent right for them.

want to be a virgin on my wedding day.

Good for you. I wouldnt marry any woman who wasnt a virgin.

Am I going about this wrong?

From what you're written, nope. But who knows what you've left out... are you looking for Mr. Right on Tinder? Probably not a good idea...

Title	Telling a bloke you intend to stay a virgin until married
Author	woowho-vintage
Upvotes	15
Comments	98
Date	March 24, 2015 5:03 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/305f1g/telling_a_bloke_you_intend_to_stay_a_virgin_until/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/telling-a-bloke-you-intend-to-stay-a-virgin-until.166146 https://theredarchive.com/post/166146

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