Unsatisfied with a “good” man.

Substantial-Worry289 · 2024-12-19T19:40:01+00:00

Red Pill life does not mean toxicity. While I could go on about this at length, it really does sound like you have plenty of stuff to work through and it might be enough to muster the courage and talk to him about what you wrote here, but you may also need some outside assistance in the form of therapy.

You speak predominantly negatively about him and you should ask yourself why.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-12-19T19:58:40+00:00

Few things you could try:

You could roleplay more in the bedroom
You could also ask him to wrestle more or pin you down
You can request that he make a decision and cite you being too stressed - "can you pick the show tonight, I'm feeling overwhelmed"
You can request that he make a decision and cite you wanting to be surprised - "can you decide the restaurant, it makes it more exciting for me"
You can request that he make a decision and cite you wanting to do something nice for him - "what would you like for dinner tonight, I'd like to treat you"

Anytime you notice him make a decision you compliment/thank him for doing so and taking that responsibility off of you.

Some theory:

Humans adapt very well to their environment. Almost too well. What you're seeing in your boyfriend is similar to what Jordan Peterson talks about with the whole lobster thing. Your brain is analyzing your environment and how others treat you to determine how well you're doing in life. If your brain determines you're not well-respected and that you don't have a great life, then it releases more stress hormones and causes you to have larger negative emotional reactions. Your brain is basically in "survival mode". People in this state actually have a lower immune system because their brain is firing on all cylinders all the time. They have a harder time with discipline because the brain isn't sure that they'll have regular access to pleasure and dopamine (hence what sounds like a past issue with porn for your bf).

Changing your boyfriend's mindset and resetting his brain will take a long, concentrated effort. Him getting into lifting would help a lot, but you can't control that. Him getting a new job would likely help but you can only help with that if he agrees. What's mostly in your control is your ability to "treat him like a king" and see if that slowly starts to change his brain. Talk him up in public. Ask him to open the pickle jar.

Overall, my guess is this boyfriend is an overcorrection from past boyfriends and there's some part of you that might prefer the extreme you had before to the extreme you have now. There's a good chance you might go back to what you had before. There's also a chance you relive all the crappy things about those guys and then miss the type of guy you have right now. There is a balance, and you could eventually find it, but it sounds like at this point in time you're someone who'd be safer taking date recommendations from friends and family in healthy relationships.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-12-19T19:57:13+00:00

Have you talked to him about what kind of sex you like? You could start by asking him if he has an “fantasies” and then share that you like rough sex or you wanna be tied up or smacked around or whatever it is.

Reasonable-Mischief · 2024-12-19T22:38:33+00:00

I want to be able to go home after work and turn my brain off because I know my man has shit under control. Instead im deciding what we watch, what we eat, when we go to bed, it’s tiring and draining and it makes me lose attraction fast.

This part sounds like the two of you need to talk about how to distribute your responsibilities.

Us guys also like to come home from work and turn our brains off. Not because someone else has things under control, but because there's someone to provide us comfort.

Warmth, a clean home, food on the table, a kiss and a hug and some words affirming that we're welcome there.

These are like a hundred small things intruding on our ability to keep the three important big things in check - those things that you want someone else to have under control.

It's far easier to keep things in order and accounted for and ward off anything that could disturb that peace when there is someone providing that peace in the first place.

All of which is to say your boyfriend doesn't sound like the ideal man for you. Sorry to hear that. However there's also nothing in your post indicating that you're the ideal woman for him, either. These are roles you grow into jointly over the course of a relationship, and an important aspect of that is communicating clearly what you both want and need and negotiating how you could best fulfil that in each other.

Consistent-Citron513 · 2024-12-19T23:06:41+00:00

I've been in a similar situation. I've had several abusive relationships and grew up with abuse as a child. Our mind becomes addicted and conditioned to the chaos. You could try roleplaying and looking at Dominant/submissive dynamics. It would also be beneficial for you to work with a trauma therapist.

-Zxart- · 2024-12-20T04:17:18+00:00

Therapy. You need to fix yourself before dating. You can get excitement outside of subjecting yourself to abuse if you get your head right.

Laynas2004 · 2024-12-20T06:19:41+00:00

Your boyfriend is a gentleman. Masculinity doesn't mean that a man has to beat the shi# out of his lady , spank and came her leaving red marks. If he is protecting and providing for you .... that's what real masculinity is. By protecting I mean he must protect you from external threats (in roads, from predators, antisocial elementsl) and from internal threats too (from bad habits, addiction to destructive things like smoking, vaping or drinking). By providing I mean he has enough salary to pay the bills, rents and a certain amount of passive income+ a good enough portfolio to support his lady, kids and their material needs. Your boyfriend loves you, respects you , pays the rent and is committed to you....he is a gentleman. Just tell him that you have some BDSM fantasies or something like that .... it's simple. Then too he will do that in a way which will not harm you.

Hot_Blacksmith_3404 · 2024-12-19T20:54:20+00:00

This is something you need to work through in therapy.

Margareydragonslayer · 2024-12-20T02:14:06+00:00

I am from a western liberal community and I low key agree that arranged marriages have an appeal. I really like clarity and clear lines and knowing exactly what is expected of me. I tried to get my boyfriend to write a “relationship contract” with me where we outlined our values and expectations etc and he thought that was weird lol. I think we’re normal I think some people just like knowing EXACTLY where they stand. I’m also sorry to hear you were abused in the past, that is very wrong and you didn’t deserve that at all.

I don’t know you and this is probably irresponsible for me to just straight up offer advice but tbh I think you would regret breaking up with him. He sounds amazing! It sounds like your head is just going a million miles an hour and you’re struggling with adjusting to a healthy relationship.

Feeling vaguely unsatisfied in a happy relationship is totally normal and totally fixable. I would try and stick this one out. Maybe try therapy or skimming through some relationship advice books? Maybe direct that “unsatisfied” energy into a productive hobby or art or improving your career; you might just be bored. I would try and go to therapy sooner rather than later though because you may start to accidentally criticize him which can be destructive to the relationship.

Go get your hamster sorted, sister 💗You got this💪

SeminoleDollxx · 2024-12-20T14:13:03+00:00

Damaged. You are 100% the problem and I hope he finds a better girlfriend

Remote_Purpose_4323 · 2024-12-21T12:01:07+00:00

When you say you never contribute to his low self-esteem, are you truly being honest with yourself? Women have an incredible capacity to uplift a man’s confidence, and deep down, you must know that it’s not always those who treat you poorly who are inherently better or more powerful. Truly great individuals inspire others to feel empowered, valued, and equal—they don’t diminish them or make them feel inferior.

Perhaps there are unresolved personal dynamics at play, including preferences or fantasies that you might not fully understand yet. It could be beneficial to explore these feelings with a professional who can help you navigate them. Importantly, open and honest communication with your partner is crucial; instead of seeking validation from others, address these issues directly with him. This will help ensure that misunderstandings don’t harm your relationship or either of your emotional well-being.

daniel_leinadd · 2024-12-22T20:17:29+00:00

Sad truth is you cannot be a "Nice guy" with your woman. You need to ne a good man, which will sometimes disagree with the woman. Women like this, makes things more interesting. Another sad truth the women like a limited dose of drama, which is incompatible with a "Nice guy".

Intelligent-Age-1787 · 2024-12-24T16:11:25+00:00

Firstly, clear conversation & transparent one with all honesty, in a polite tone. It might come out of the blue and might catch him off-guard but from his reactions, a lot of things could be cleared out. Secondly, the obsession of men you had in your previous relationships, may not be the same you had for him because you had him in all ways, you didn’t have to live on “breadcrumbs” from his end. It’s a matter of “too much” for you. I think distance (meeting on weekends/alternate days) might help you feel more grateful about him, and if he spends some time with his “male” friends he might feel his masculine self more (it might seem silly but small things like this do make a difference) Third, try role-playing and give both your “alternate personalities” a go (iykwim) which might also help keeping your seggs life improve ! Fourth, if he doesn’t, you can try having discussions about femininity and masculinity so he can gain a clear vision on how you perceive those gender roles. Hope this helps :)

maidentootsies · 2024-12-26T05:57:44+00:00

You don’t respect him, and that’s a problem. Unless he undergoes a transformation, the relationship is doomed. It’s natural when trying to correct errors to overcorrect before coming back to the middle. It sounds like he is your overcorrection after the abusive men. He’s too weak, and you instinctively don’t like it. That’s a natural and healthy reaction and it doesn’t mean you need an abusive man to be satisfied. There is a middle ground, which is where you should aim for - a strong, dominant man who would never hurt you. Who will lead you and still respect you. What you’ve described are the two opposite ends of the spectrum and I don’t think you should settle for either one. There are many good, solid men in between.

ColeIsBae · 2024-12-20T15:15:16+00:00

I’m in sort of a similar boat. Got out of an abusive and toxic relationship that, let’s face it, was pretty hot in some ways, and into a relationship with a man who respects me and defers to me. Here is my advice (and what I’m trying to do). Read Laura Doyle and similar stuff. Become more feminine. Intentionally ease into your feminine. Use her techniques to do that. And that should translate into this man becoming more masculine. You draw out his masculine energy by becoming more feminine.

m_spoon09 · 2024-12-19T19:52:08+00:00

If you want your man to lead, you should talk to him about it and push him into that role. He may have no idea how to or lack to courage to. A lot of millennial and gen z men have this problem. Communication is everything.

Russian_Rebel · 2024-12-20T03:22:39+00:00

Here they are, women, first they complain about abusive relationships, and then when they find a calm guy who does not beat or humiliate them, they immediately lose respect for him and say that he is not manly enough. You can't have everything at once.

You want the perfect human, a robot. Although you are not an ideal yourself.

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-12-21T23:11:41+00:00

It's normal for women to be attracted to dominant men although that doesn't necessarily mean they have to be toxic, they just need to be capable of leadership and putting you in your place when you become aggressive.

You are going to be even more bored by a beta guy compared to average women after experiencing toxic relationships with aggressive men and being alpha widowed (I'm guessing you equally contributed to the fights).

Theoretically a guy can be a confident leader while still being kind and respectful although the traits are generally inversely correlated, confident and dominant men tend to be more violent and abusive for example ESTP personality type like Andrew Tate.

Anyway it sounds like you aren't even remotely attracted to him so just leave and look for someone who's more dominant or go back to one of your exes. You are going to cheat on him eventually or just become more emotionally and possibly physically abusive towards him if you stay in the relationship.

Common-Researcher-88 · 2024-12-21T13:59:06+00:00

You will regret leaving new guy. Maybe, tell him what you want sexually. Just Don't be toxic. Also there may be a misperception of being mistreated and abused feels good. You may need some advice from professionals. Maybe therapy. There are so many types including sexual. But I say start with self. There are so many women that have been lead to believe the toxic guy will fall in love with them one day and turn life around and everyone will be happier and happily ever after. That's TV. It's fake. Abusers are just that. Reform may be a little farther away than we'd fantasized.

Classroom_Lumpy · 2024-12-21T00:53:37+00:00

"weak and soft" often means not wanting to ever do to a woman what was done to a mother or sister. When you've seen your mother sliced open by a drunken boyfriend or lowered your sister into a grave after a "strong confident man" murdered her in cold blood, you're not into ever behaving aggressively toward a woman.

Go seek the thrills you clearly haven't gotten over, but it doesn't end well. Ever. And that's a massive understatement.

AutoModerator · 2024-12-19T19:30:29+00:00

Title: Unsatisfied with a “good” man.

Author LowerMasterpiece4748

Full text: I’m at a loss. For the longest time I’ve been in toxic, abusive, relationships. I’ve had my fair share of black eyes and DV police calls from neighbors. Now I have a boyfriend (we’ve been together one year as of December 17) and he’s so nice to me. He respects me, pays rent, is kindhearted and doesn’t look at any woman but me. But im so unsatisfied. The sex is good. It didn’t start that way he used to ejaculate prematurely but now he lasts long. I think what I miss may be termed as aggression or dominance. I feel like im providing the masculine energy and leading the relationship. He does what I say, whimpers, whines, and it’s hard for me to respect him. He has very low self esteem and confidence - I NEVER want to contribute to that. He has a dead end job but I believe that with a good attitude you can turn a situation around. He’s weak spirited and soft. I want a man to choke me, tell me what to do, I want to be able to go home after work and turn my brain off because I know my man has shit under control. Instead im deciding what we watch, what we eat, when we go to bed, it’s tiring and draining and it makes me lose attraction fast. Im also sober now (1 year today) so it’s hard not being able to instill passion by drinking or other means and having to rely off of just our own feelings.

Truthfully sometimes I miss the toxic relationships because I knew where I stood. Those guys were solid in their character and I felt protected in public even if they hurt me behind closed doors. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If I break up with my boyfriend will I regret it? Is there even a point of breaking up because the alternative may not be a healthy sort of man? I’m painfully confused and over this whole dating thing and sometimes wish there was just arranged marriage in my culture but I know that’s insensitive.

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dahle44 · 2024-12-22T14:01:15+00:00

Just a observation, you mentioned you have been sober for as long as you've had this BF? Do you practice all the BB principles in All your affairs? It takes quite a few years to get your brain back, and it is strongly recommended to not make major changes in your life until that has happened. Service to others, accepting reality for what it is and living in the moment is very important to your recovery. Instead of trying to change your BF, which doesn't work, change yourself. Until you start accepting ppl as they are, you will continue to be unsatisfied. I say this from 30+ years of sobriety. Have you done all 12 steps? Have a sponcer and have a home group? If you are not working the AA program, doing the work healing yourself, judging others, you ARE slipping backward. Talk to your sponcer, make a plan and stick with it. I wish you much luck, and don't miss out on the miracle that will happen if you focus on yourself and helping others.

ganoomo · 2024-12-27T01:31:15+00:00

how about counseling, if your poor at communicating it all?

AnonTheGreat01 · 2025-01-15T12:12:28+00:00

I think this is quite a common challenge to a degree, although it manifests in different women's lives differently.

The holy grail for a lot of women is a man who is dominant, Stoic and strictly enforces boundaries. But at the same time adores you very much and once in a while lifts a part of the veil and show some emotion/vulnerability.

A man who has the ability to be aggressive and manipulative, but has it under control and doesn't use it against their partner. At least, rarely.

The thing is, these men are not common. There are quite a few abusive men, and there are plenty of more submissive-ish, insecure men.

My 2 cents for you are that you are not going to change a more submissive/effeminate man into a dominant man. He can only do that himself, under the right circumstances, according to his own desire. The odds of that happening in your current LTR though, are close to 0. Do with that as you like.

LimeRepresentative50 · 2024-12-19T23:58:30+00:00

This post was written by a man

Specific_Day_240 · 2024-12-20T19:30:34+00:00

Dont be a dick nor a whimp, be gentle and be dominant , not nice nor abusive, in between. It is possible. And always be misogynistic, women love misogynistism

saintmilli · 2024-12-24T14:57:57+00:00

honestly, you should just break up with him. he deserves better and im pretty sure there are plenty girls would love him for being the gentleman that he is. of course, the people in the thread wont agree with me since the solution is "role-playing" 🙄

LaCherieSoLonely · 2024-12-19T21:40:25+00:00

sounds like your man is the weak beta type. most women dont feel attracted to it as women dont feel feminine with a man like this

Title	Unsatisfied with a “good” man.
Author	LowerMasterpiece4748
Upvotes	42
Comments	57
Date	December 19, 2024 7:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1hi0yff/unsatisfied_with_a_good_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/unsatisfied-with-a-good-man.1538984 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538984

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