I had a very trying time to control my frame under a torrent of shit-test rage last night. But I think I was 90% successful.

So I've been trying to get my act together to really get my marriage back on track and just recently started putting into practice what I'm learning here.

Also, I don't feel so much like I'm starting a new course so much as this is a "coming home" of how I acted before I was slowly neutered by my marriage over the course of 10 years.

Some things to know beforehand: My wife doesn't work, by her choice and I'm fine with that so long as she does more of the housework and daytime child (we have ONE) ferrying. She volunteers on the PTA and will spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy on that (at night, during the day, etc etc). She doesn't want for food or a house. We just have to scrimp on the extras a lot (I've got a whole other post on what I'm about to do to get my finances back under control). I help where I can and when asked. Dishes more than 1/2 the time since she cooks, I do my own laundry and clean up my own stuff when necessary. Do my own car repairs, and all of the house maintenance and 90% of the yard work. You'd think she'd be happier than could be. But I get diatribes constantly of how I do nothing. She doesn't respect my work and constantly refers to that I do nothing all day. We never have sex. We've had 2 year long dry spells with the intermittent once breaking it up here and there. After the baby is when it started dwindling. Now I take a lot of ownership of that because I was failing (didn't know it) shit tests and would back off. "You only are romantic when you want sex"...blah blah. She has a habit now of getting the attention from some foreplay to them protest she's too tired and like a beta I'd just say something reassuring and roll over.

Last night (Thursday) I get home and see my kid dressed to go to an after school activity. I'm supposed to take them Tuesdays and my wife (by our last conversation) Thursday or Saturday (they only have to go twice a week). I'm looking at what my wife is doing, leisurely putting up some groceries and by the clock on the wall I can tell she's expecting me to take them. She hates taking them to this and sitting for an hour. I don't enjoy it much either , but it's for my kid and important. She has a selective memory and always "forgets" which is her night and since it apparently means more to me as an afterschool program, we would bicker and then I'd usually just take them.

She justifies this by saying she'll have to cook dinner during this time period. In my mind, if she remembered, she could have planned ahead. This is the lady that keeps every activity on her fucking google calendar. And she forgets.

I maintained strict eye contact and told her "Thursday's your night". She flips a 180 and goes batshit. She starts citing that I've been taking them Thursdays lately so she had NO IDEA (even though we just solidified our official nights 2 weeks before). Sidenote: The times I caved and took them on Thursdays was to A) Let her do school orientation B)Because she just wasn't up to it...etc (see how I set myself up to fair here). I mildly (I think?) broke frame. And said "That's because I've been picking up your slack". Of course this allowed her to go full tantrum. She dropped everything while spewing verbal carnage and stormed out (taking my kid to class). On her way out she made sure to drive home >I< messed up dinner so I knew I was makin' a sammich for dinner (I've since stopped giving a fuck if she cooks as she uses it so often as a trophy point in arguments). I care more that she keep her commitments, and that I only have to come home from work once a week and turn right back around and leave. Also if I take my kid thursdays it blows away my ability to go to a scheduled activity I have some thursdays. Well, I knew the sheeooot wasn't over (it never is quickly). Time goes by, more than an hour after the class is supposed to be over, so I check the bank account on line. She's took my kid to eat at her favorite resturaunt! This has the added benefit of A) exclusion B) getting kid home late enough I'll have no time to socialize/play with them.

When they get home I can tell my kid's a little weirded out that they went without me. She's barking at them to get up stairs and get in the shower.

This sucks , but I maintain. I wait till my kid's in bed, say goodnight and knowing it'll be a night of cold shoulder I get on the computer and start playing. I WISH.

I hear the door creak and start hearing severe tones. I restate the fact: Thursdays or saturdays are her day by her choice. She now states she wont take her at all. This gets me pissed. I tell her she really needs to. And that when she regains her sanity, she can pick and stick a day. She wont during the week, and she wont on the weekend because she NEVER gets any me time. I start playing a small violin for her. The house wife. Who is a house wife when she wants to be, has hobbies and time to shop. She states she wont take them, then I tell her if so then there will be things that I will not do for her when she requests and I get "You do nothing anyway". She attempts to grow it to full spiral. At this point I tell her I'm done talking about it. She wont stop. I keep starting dead straight at her while she whines and spirals , and I tell her if she wont remove herself from the room then I must and go downstairs to watch TV. I've never really done this mid spiral so she starts actually saying "I can't believe this, I can't believe this." and I sense a little panic.

I'm not downstairs for more than a minute and I hear the footsteps. You've got to be shitting me. I actually say this outloud. She tries to tell me I can't come to my kid's school function the next morning and I just laugh. I'm totally disgusted by her selfishness at this point, but just tell her.

"No. I'm coming, I told our kid I'm coming, you are insane." She prattles on about her family being there and how she just wouldn't want me around. So I paraphrase back : "Since you're mad at me, I can't be around your family and at my kid's function." and she's the whole time nodding like that's exactly sane and alright. "No , see you there." Her family,if any,would empathize as they've all been on the shit end of her temper on multiple occasions, and they love me to death. Also my kid was really excited I'd taken the morning off to come see them. What a selfish shit move, even for a hamster at full spin. She then has to audacity to call me mean. Takes the most umbrage that I said I was picking up her slack...and that I called her an idiot. Which happened when she kept saying "I don't understand" to why I took a firm stand or why I wasn't backing down on anything. My exact words were "For the final and last time, my only irritation is that you forgot you were supposed to take them today and that you acted like a baby about it. She repeated that she didn't understand (practically wailing as if I had a gun to her favorite pet and was about to blow it's brains out)..and taking the bait ... I said "Since I've repeated it and told you directly multiple times... you must be an idiot". I really REALLY maintained my composure (which must have been what unnerved the fuck out of her).

She finally leaves. When I finally get to bed (once I hear movement stop) I see she has moved her pillow and is SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR OF THE SPARE ROOM. This is nuts, but a funny echo of the fact that in the past I would have gone and punished myself by sleeping on the couch.

This morning was a fun fest of her and I completely ignoring each other at school while we independantly socialized with her family, but I was fucking there for my kid. I do think her sister-in-law picked might have picked up on the silence.

I'm hoping even though this went sour that I established more of my frame and busted up some of hers.

Didn't mean for it to be , but damn this will really rock her world when she hears about our new home budget and she's going from full access to all funds to an allowance so we can get out of debt. I've been with her when she didn't talk to her mom for a year so I know she's capable of massive shit-testing and I am a bit worried this may push her over the edge to finally threaten divorce. Even if just to ultimate shit-test.

TLDR: Wife shit tests me last night when I tell her she needs to hold up to an agreement. Tries to tell me I can't go to my kid's school function. Maintain frame, am there this morning high-fiving kid.