A Note on Inner Confidence

rydogg707 · 2012-05-10T14:32:29+00:00

I grew up being extremely sensitive and living in my mind, dwelling on everything everyone ever said about me. I took everything personally. I'm 33 years old, and over the past 15 years since I graduated high school (fuck me) I've gradually toned down how personal I take things, to how much I let what people say affect my mood.

I still struggle with living inside my mind, and in fear. Constant “what –if” scenarios for every aspect of my life. I started having therapy with a counselor about 6 months ago, and she’s helped me with some of these key issues. Finding seddit last week was the final piece of the puzzle for overcoming who I was, to who I want to be.

This video really helped me get some perspective on how to feel on a daily basis: No Fear in the Now, but it also emphasized a point my counselor talked about and that concept is:

We are 100% in control of our feelings

I had never really considered this concept before. I was unaware that all the feelings I have I generate, based on events that occur. One thing she taught me was to do a course correction, or a re-evaluation. If something happens and it makes me feel angry, sad, upset, embarrassed, I made those feelings. So I can re-evaluate, re-asses and course-correct my feelings into something I want to feel.

This entire concept was mind-blowing for me, and has completely changed my life. Since then, I don't get angry anymore when I drive (I used to get really upset and be in a bad mood for the rest of my drive). If someone does something idiotic, I might get angry for a second, but then I re-assess, realize that it’s not really anything I can control and let it go.

TL;DR: We control 100% of our feelings/emotions and we can choose how we feel or react to any event in our lives.

TofuTofu · 2012-05-10T14:33:14+00:00

Excellent point. Opinions and criticisms are great, but at the end of the day live your life to please no one but yourself.

Being self-validated is a critical part of becoming truly awesome in life.

geek_in_a_suit · 2012-05-10T17:39:26+00:00

I used to be the exact same way. This quote I heard when I was 18 has resonated with me since.

Hear all, trust nothing - Rules of Acquisition #190

Since then I listened to to every piece of opinion and criticism out there whether it be for my work or personal choices. Good or bad and I never take it to heart. If I felt their input was logical, I would keep it in mind. If I felt the opinion was destructive to my goal, I would discard ever having the conversation. Bottom line, I'd do what I felt was right. After listening to others, I would do my own homework at the same time. Make my own decisions and be accountable, most importantly - take risks. I've hit some walls but for the most part, it's paid off well. I can't imagine going back and not changing my frame of mind like you have recently learned. It feels great, even when I failed. I have no regrets and learned from mistakes. Congrats to you for discovering!

TL;DR: Start watching Star Trek, will bring logic into your confused life

UnapologeticalyAlive · 2012-05-10T14:34:02+00:00

Inner confidence is everything.

I'm a performance salsa dancer. People are always critiquing my style. I welcome it. Some people hesitate to say anything negative because they're afraid they'll hurt my feelings. I see criticism as a means to improve my style. I can't see what I look like from the outside, so I rely on other people's feedback to improve. Without it, I could be making the same mistake a thousand times and never know it.

The key is to realize that no one has ever gotten perfect at anything. All the greatest athletes in the world have lost a good portion of their games. Everyone gets good at things by trying and failing. That's just how life works. Those who appear to be really good at something are just farther along in their training than you are. They're not better than you. They're not super-human. They're just better trained.

ThrowawayPUA · 2012-05-10T15:57:53+00:00

People all have inner self-destructive opinions of themselves. Since we get exposed to all sorts of opinions from all sorts of people, some of them are bound to connect with our inner issues and then we feel like we have exposed our flaws to the world. But it's not personal, even though it feels that way.

ymrhawk · 2012-05-10T15:31:17+00:00

This probably has more to do with achieving goals than it does confidence. Confidence arises from experience and competence and you really can't fake it internally.

lovesushi · 2012-05-10T18:18:50+00:00

Inner confidence is knowing that nobody will ever understand your mental state, motivation, and goals.

This!!! I always find inner peace and satisfaction following exactly what you said. I'd rather be happy and content from the inside than the outside.

Arro · 2012-05-10T21:16:47+00:00

You had me 'til the lottery analogy. Don't play the lottery. Really, don't.

IAmTheOmNom · 2012-05-10T21:25:41+00:00

Nobody thinks you'll win the lottery either, but every day so many people do.

Damn ... that analogy sucks. because so little people win the lottery.

netcowboy · 2012-05-10T23:25:10+00:00

For me, it was understanding that other people have that same complicated dialogue going on their head that I was having in mine. One day, I looked at everyone I saw and studied them living in this conversation in their mind. All the stress left my body when I realized that (most) other people live in this unique world of their own trivial matters. It made me a better listener and gave me tons more confidence. Most people would rather talk about themselves, but somehow doing that with them has made me more popular and made others more comfortable with me. I have no agenda, but if I want to persuade someone else, I play like I'm in their crazy little movie with them.

nycprowl · 2012-05-11T00:55:02+00:00

Even if a girl you're after seems unimpressed- assume that's because she doesn't yet know you well enough to be impressed, and then press on.

I usually just think she must be boring. Me? Ego? Naaaaaah....

Alec105 · 2012-05-11T07:56:00+00:00

"The number of times my friends assured me that a girl didn't seem interested when she ended up very interested is astounding. Don't rely on them."

A thousand times this.

unclejoesmomma · 2012-05-10T19:11:08+00:00

best advice ive heard in a while, thank you

2012-05-11T08:05:59+00:00

Another note on self-confidence: stop trying to 'impress' people

squarehouse · 2012-05-11T02:30:28+00:00

I'm going to go out and disagree, only because you're only halfway there.

True inner confidence is like framing: You create the reality that other people judge by. I've been reading parts of the Book of Pook, and he stumbles onto something insightful:

How do successful men act with women? They bring the lady into their world. When they date (at the beginning especially), it is HIS date ideas, he gets to be as creative or dull as he wants. And she will judge you based on the world you are creating for her.

[...]

What is confidence but the LINK between your world and yourself, between your DREAM and DAY?

Guys with no confidence can create no worlds. She will see the wimpy rich guy and think how she can use him, not love him.

This implies that there is no actual true reality out there, but you don't believe this, because reality is arbitrary, but you must be the arbiter.

Inner confidence is knowing that nobody will ever understand your mental state, motivation, and goals. Some people will be close, but nobody will ever really know these things as well as you.

This is only half way there. You're only saying that confidence is knowing that people can't see your inner state, and so they're unable to judge you. But this sounds more like a psychological defense than actual confidence. You're still unsure if you're right, but at least others can't judge you wrong.

True confidence is framing your reality. If you have any doubt that you might be right, then it just means that someone else's frame is stronger than yours (your parent's, your employer's, the government's, etc), your very will has been impeded on, and someone else's will has overcome yours.

Nothing less than this is genuine confidence.

2012-05-11T03:06:29+00:00

Awesome.

Title	A Note on Inner Confidence
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	216
Comments	82
Date	May 10, 2012 2:12 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tghdd/a_note_on_inner_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/a-note-on-inner-confidence.1332474 https://theredarchive.com/post/1332474

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