a horrible trait I have is being a bad listener.

TomUdo · 2022-09-07T17:42:28+00:00

That makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. Has anything like this happened to you before? Because you don't deserve this. It's not fair.

AlbanischerBauer_ · 2022-09-07T18:51:11+00:00

To be a good listener is to make sure that you consciously tell yourself to stfu. Next let a girl rant and speak, you have to listen to her stupid mf problems. Then, you should repeat 2-3 main words from her previous sentence and make a question of those words. To illustrate,

“Evening-Read is such a 2- faced bitch!” “2 faced bitch?” “Yes, she did say this about Maximus Decidus” “Did she?😳”

Anyways you get the jist, it’s fun to do actually

goodgirlathena · 2022-09-07T19:22:26+00:00

Just remember women/girls are capable of solving their own problems and usually we know our next move, it just feels so much better to tell someone first. I know my husband means well when he gives me solutions, but it makes me feel like he thinks I’m an idiot when I just want him to listen and say things like, “uh-huh, yep, that’s messed up, what an asshole…” or whatever in response. If I’m not sure what to do, I usually ask what he’d do.

Edit to add…men need to talk shit out sometimes too. Especially after work, my husband will come home and tell me about an issue he had at work. I don’t even understand what he’s talking about half the time but I listen because I know he just needs to get that shit off his chest. Same thing. : )

ChiangRai · 2022-09-07T18:16:24+00:00

Consider reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus, which addresses this issue directly.

ftdrain · 2022-09-07T21:37:41+00:00

Yea, I find that most people dont want their problems fixed, they want you to commiserate and validate their pain

Nullroute127 · 2022-09-08T00:49:31+00:00

Women engage in "Trouble Talk" with men and women. Very seldomly do they actually want a solution. They just want someone to empathize with them and understand their viewpoint.

You can do this in a few ways:

You can repeat back their position/viewpoint using a few words of theirs but introducing your own (mirroring). "So you feel like your boss in unfair because _____"
You can describe how that makes you feel, "That feels like an amazing opportunity" or "That makes me so sad"
You can label HER emotion of the story, "That seems like it really got to you." "I can't see that level of frustration coming from you, that interaction must have been extremely intense."

When women want a solution it's pretty explicit, "What do you think I should do?" When women do this, they invite any response you give and are significantly more likely to receive it.

You have to be careful with things like, "So what do you think?" Which is commonly code for, "How does this make you feel?" - but not always. By default, respond to this with the above. If she then responds explicitly with a request for guidance, give it.

CometAzur42069 · 2022-09-07T19:10:58+00:00

it's really easy to be a good listener. stop fucking talking and listen. literally treat listening to her and not commenting like an exercise or habit you need to hone.

some of you guys are legit like children. wtf is this lol

Technical_Hawk8547 · 2022-09-07T19:40:13+00:00

I ask one simple question. “Do you want solutions or do you want to vent?” Majority of the time they just want someone to vent to about things and have you be there to support them. Works wonders.

Magicfx852 · 2022-09-07T19:20:31+00:00

Don’t give solutions. I find it’s better to give examples of similar scenarios or just actively listen and ask for clarifications or details in the situation. Usually when a girl wants to talk about their problems, they don’t really want you to fix it, they just want someone to listen and sympathize

Impulsive666 · 2022-09-07T21:49:42+00:00

I‘ve had good success by imitating Geralt‘s grunt from the witcher. Blew my mind that it even works. I‘ll take it.

appolonysian · 2022-09-08T03:41:22+00:00

I actually went through the same thing with my girlfriend. Learned the hard way not to just blurt out logical fixes to the problems she was complaining about.

Most of the time, when a woman complains about stuff, she’s actually just venting an emotion which needs to be let loose. The actual content of the complaint is not so much a cry for help so much as a vessel for the emotions. Definitely be there for her (especially if you’re in a relationship), but don’t just spout fixes.

L_CHAPO7 · 2022-09-07T19:08:05+00:00

I saw a book in chapters the other day “listen like you mean it” I thought about trying it after the one I’m on right now, could always use help

ZEUSAJ · 2022-09-08T14:08:17+00:00

Just keep repeating what she says back to her. Let her know that you acknowledge what she's saying. Say "tell me more" "what else happened" "really?" and keep doing this till she stops and looks at you. Here she might ask your advice then or will say "thanks for listening. I feel much better."

zapadz · 2022-09-07T17:34:43+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuM7ZS7nodk

lifeintraining · 2022-09-07T22:45:26+00:00

I get that. You just need to realize that it’s not your fucking problem and she’s not interested in doing anything about it either.

TalkShit247 · 2022-09-07T19:58:09+00:00

you are the nice guy that doesn’t mind if she dumps all her problems on you then yells at you for “not listening” .. the last girl that tried that shit with me i told her “i really don’t care to hear about your problems cuz i got problems of my own” and by the end of the night i still got laid ..

python834 · 2022-09-07T23:12:58+00:00

If you are 6 foot tall and chad looking, you can forget the girl’s name and she would still want to bang.

MO_drps_knwldg · 2022-09-07T19:07:56+00:00

Lost Art of Listening has some good points and Charisma Myth has a portion about being present

Jadelizard247365 · 2022-09-07T22:13:53+00:00

Ok first your a problem solver by nature it seems. Welcome to the club. You sound like your a great listener but a horrible presenter. Or they wouldn’t be getting solutions from you. Women don’t understand problem solvers . They think every guy should not have answers . But us problem solving ones always do. Here is how I fixed it.

I listened to them.. and kept my mouth shut and just kept eye contact and nodded letting them know I’m engaged. When they were done venting..my response is always .. wow that’s amazing. What are you going to do about it? And see if they had any solution to what they just vented about . Their “stories” are them in the driver seat.. not you.. your just there as a backdrop character.

revente · 2022-09-07T23:51:31+00:00

Just focus. It's not a 'personality trait' but a bad habit that you can control.

mundqnity · 2022-09-08T02:39:09+00:00

would tell ya, but you sound like a bad listener

userisauser · 2022-09-08T04:04:47+00:00

You know what your problem is so just stop it I guess? Or do you only have solutions for women's problems?

Majestic_Meal_5655 · 2022-09-08T04:57:03+00:00

Girls just want you to listen. Unless they ask your opinion or advice. Always keep them talking 80% of the time and you only 20% or less. Stop shooting yourself on the foot.

RicoEStrong · 2022-09-08T06:03:52+00:00

I know this feeling. I thank most of my dating problems would be lessened if I wasn't so ditzy

theprufeshanul · 2022-09-08T09:54:56+00:00

What advice do you need?

Just STFU, make regular eye contact and nod.

When the time comes for you to speak just STFU.

If she ABSOLUTELY insists on hearing your opinion, start and end it by acknowledging how she feels.

That’s it.

Listen, STFU, nod. Repeat.

EducationalMeeting95 · 2022-09-08T10:12:58+00:00

They don't need solutions.

They just need an ear. Someone to understand and comfort their emotions.

This alone will boost your relationship many magnitudes.

Now when she starts talking about her problems just say...

Ohh.. is that so ?

Oh damn !

Yeah that sucks..

Tell me about it !

That's unbelievable!

Yep that's right !

Yeah Karen Seems like a bitch tbh .

Zealousideal6669 · 2022-09-08T10:48:22+00:00

Sometimes people just wanna complain about their problems and share it with others. I'm the same so I always ask people before they go into details. I just want you to know that if you tell me your problems I'll try to solve them so do you wanna get advices or you just wanna tell me what's on your mind. So don't get into that mistake that you wanna solve other people's better than they do. It's just frustrating for you and a waste of time.

Bandit_Beamish · 2022-09-08T10:48:26+00:00

Here's the solution, don't listen to their problems. Are you trying to seduce them or be their therapist?

Bret_Abderahmen · 2022-09-08T12:16:28+00:00

Wanna here best answer

j314314 · 2022-09-08T13:03:50+00:00

Yes indeed. As men we try to find solutions. Just use eye contact, nod, say “I understand”, and show empathy. It’s actually simpler to listen than to give solutions.

Always keep in mind people only want solutions when they ask. And even when they ask, most times they want to hear what they want to hear lol. Give out vanilla opinions, unless some loved one of yours (family, friend, mentor, etc) asks for an opinion for real.

HopeElectronic8711 · 2022-09-08T17:28:20+00:00

I like to do both, listen and validate feelings. Then suggest solutions. I’m a girl though.

Title	a horrible trait I have is being a bad listener.
Author	Evening-Read-2799
Upvotes	35
Comments	41
Date	September 7, 2022 5:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/x8b35i/a_horrible_trait_i_have_is_being_a_bad_listener/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/a-horrible-trait-i-have-is-being-a-bad-listener.1250406 https://theredarchive.com/post/1250406

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