A buddy reached out for some girl advice. Situation was this:

He is moving to SF to start a new phase of his life. Before getting in he visited and hooked up with an old crush.

She invited him out to a party at her company. Then uninvited him a few days later, citing some thin excuse.

He saw her later to watch a movie and they didn’t touch. It was awkward. She admitted after to friend zoning him because he is in a “transition phase.” He wants to date her and asks me what to do...

Charlie

she is all over the place, from one day to the next she wants it or she doesnt

B----

haha

sounds about right.

Charlie

and if you ride her wave, its gonna suck and at the end there will be a crash

whether you date her and it blows up

or she just strings you along

so you need to set some standards for your interactions

which is just clearly saying

“this is what I'll tolerate”

“if thats not cool with you, no sweat, we just shouldnt spend time watching movies together”

if you follow her every whim

come watch a movie ....

come to the party....

no dont....

its very needy

and very unnattractive

B----

how do i get back to dictating things

Charlie

you just do

you set your boundaries in your own head

then you share them with her

you say, i’m cool with:

not seeing one another

seeing one another and hooking up

being just friends

but i'm not cool with this back and forth movie watching

(or you’ll say whatever your answers truly are)

B----

but what if she is being honest. what if she does like me but is being mature and trying not to get involved in my situation (transition phase, etc)

Charlie

if you play the "whenever you're ready" game, it will never work

neediness is like the plague

people run from it

if you set standards

you have a legitimate shot

because that is confident and attractive

B----

i so agree. and unfort, thats been my weakness in this situation bc i just moved here

Charlie

dude

you can go out and meet a cool girl any weekend

forget that

any day

walking the steet

when this girls senses you have an abundance of women in your life she'll be clawing to date you

transition phase be damned

B----

but how the f do i show that, just short of telling her. its not like we frequent the same bars often

Charlie

you live it

the reason you don’t know how to act it is because you're not there in your head

you keep thinking "how do i get this girl"

you don’t have abundance

if you were meeting cool hot girls every day, would you sweat this one?

would you go watch a movie and let shit just be awkward?

B----

probably not.

Charlie

exactly

you'd hang out with her when you had time, between your other dates and then if shit got awkward you'd be like: hey i don't want this arrangement, we can be friends or date, but I don't feel like waiting around watching awkward movies and being uninvited to parties because I'm new in town

B----

are these things you say through actions or do you explicitly come out and say it?

Charlie

both

I'd have a very candid conversation the next time

and be willing to "lose" her

if you're not willing to lose her, you aren't setting real boundaries in your life

and that's super unattractive, not to mention bad for your own self-esteem

stepping back

i think an issue that is causing a lot of problems is that you have a bit of a philosophy of scarcity when it comes to dateable girls right now you are new in town

she is the only one you feel like is a prospect

so you feel like it NEEDS to work with her

B----

yes, but more importantly, i am genuinely attracted to her.

Charlie

https://www.google.com/search?q=population+of+san+francisco&oq=population+of+san+francisco&aqs=chrome..69i57.3753j0j1&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=91&ie=UTF-8

half of those are girls

B----

hahahaha

Charlie

there are thousands of single attractive girls in SF

the scarcity you are placing on this girl is undeserved

B----

but the girls here aren't that hot either

Charlie

how often do you see a hot one?

one a day walking in the street? one every few days?

B----

once a day

Charlie

your best strategy is to haul ass after that one a day

imagine if you approached the one hottie a day for 2 weeks and say 5 had BFs, 5 said no, and 4 wound up going on dates with you

B----

fuck. the problem is that i actually don't think she is mature enough. she's 24 and although professionally successful, she still plays games. its clear

Charlie

i buy that

but trust me on this

she only plays games with people who let her

you get the behavior you tolerate from other people

if you draw a line and mean it, one of two things happens she stops playing game: awesome

or she keeps playing them and you walk: you're better off

B----

haha. fuck. got to be willing to lose it all to win everything.

lets the fun begin!

Charlie

one last thing

B----

yeah sep?

Charlie

seriously

go talk to the hotties

that will get your head in the right place

then you wont feel like you can

"lose it all"

B----

dude, i am an the shyest fucker you will meet

its tough. i can do it when I'm wasted

Charlie

your call man, but otherwise you're at the whim of the girls you know and the ones you meet when shitfaced

we're talking about 100lb girls here

not bullets

no physical threat

just anxiety

your call